Non-Binary Kinkster | Finding the 'Real Me' Through Kink

The BDSM and Fetish world is often touted as an open-minded, welcoming, and tolerant space to experiment with self-expression. But does it still have some learning to do about non-binary and trans identities? Non-binary kinkster and queer activist, writer, and artist Quenby explains finding the 'real them' through kink, and why more awareness and education is still needed.

Navigating the fetish and BDSM world as a non-binary kinkster

I'm here to tell you about my personal experiences on the kink scene – from the good, to the bad, and to the way forward. For those who don’t know, non-binary people (sometimes known as enbys) are people who don’t identify as entirely male or entirely female, and are generally viewed as falling under the trans umbrella. The term 'non-binary' speaks to a wide range of labels and lived experiences, with each non-binary identity expressed uniquely with a range of different pronouns.

I want to preface this article by acknowledging that this is my story, shaped by intersections of my privileges and disadvantages as a fat, white enby who can 'pass' as a man. Non-binary kinksters with different intersectional experiences (for example, people of color, enbys who are perceived as female) will no doubt have different perceptions of the kink scene. And beyond that: the kink scene is not a singular space. It is a loose network of local fetish & BDSM scenes spread across the world, as well as online, and non-binary kinksters will naturally find differences from place to place. My story comes from the London and Leeds kink scenes in the UK.

Finding a safe space to explore the 'real me'

The kink scene is especially close to my heart because it's where I first started to explore my enby side. Before I realized I was non-binary, all I knew was that I enjoyed cross-dressing. Lingerie and skirts made me look and feel beautiful before I had even come to terms with my transness. And before I was ready to put a label on that feeling of rightness when I wore makeup, I had kink. I felt so supported in the kink scene.

What I love about the kink scene is the ethos of respecting experimentation and different forms of expression within that space. While people didn’t necessarily understand why I was exploring these alternate forms of clothing and self-expression, they gave me the stage and tools to do so without judgement. I felt comfortable playing with the non-binary kinkster inside me before I did anywhere else. I tried different looks, experimented with clothes and makeup at play parties, and one play partner introduced me to the joys of having my hair styled. The kink scene is a space where everybody is playing around with dynamics and behaviors that wouldn’t be accepted in the wider world. As long as me wearing makeup and traditionally feminine clothing was a kink, I wasn’t shamed for it.

I will forever be grateful for that kind and kinky atmosphere, which allowed me to play around with my gender expression without *** of prejudice. I wish I could end this article here, proclaiming that being a non-binary kinkster is all roses and butterflies. Unfortunately, the truth is a little more complicated.

Credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection (Vice.com) Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) license

What kink spaces can get wrong about non-binary self-expression

One issue that occasionally comes to light is the assumption that my femininity was a form of *** play. This misunderstanding was rare; but still deeply uncomfortable. And as I became more comfortable as a non-binary kinkster (and as non-binary in the wider world), other problems started to arise. Generally, people in the kink scene are incredibly tolerant and open-minded, but these same people didn’t necessarily respect my non-binary identity when I started to explore different pronouns. I asked people within my local kink scene to understand that this isn't simply role-play – this is who I really am. Many friends and partners did respect this, but others refused to recognize or respect my lived experience as a non-binary kinkster. I wasn't exactly surprised: I went through the same thing in most social spaces when I came out as non-binary. But it was quite heartbreaking to see this pattern repeated in a space which had previously felt so welcoming.

So what can you do to make your local kink scene a welcoming space for non-binary kinksters?

The first step is asking that very question. It's important to recognize that there is an issue to begin with, and be open to learning from the experiences of enby kinksters in your local scene. Like with any marginalized group, we know best when it comes to our own identities and experiences.
The next step is education. There is a lot of miseducation about trans and non-binary issues, so take the time to educate yourself using resources provided by reputable LGBTQI+ organizations.
Respect people’s identities. If someone asks you to refer to them as “they/them” instead of “he/him” or "she/her", try your best to respect that. Fortunately, people in the kink scene are already pretty accustomed to people using new names!
You’re going to fuck up a little. We all do from time to time. If and when it happens, don’t make a huge deal out of a small mistake, but recognize the mistake, move on, and try to do better next time!

Quenby (they/them) is a queer artist, activist, and writer whose work focuses on themes around identity, alternative sexuality, and queer culture. You can check them out on social media @quenbycreatives, or find more of their work at quenbycreatives.com

Gender and sexual expressions of all kinds are welcomed and celebrated here at Fetish.com. Share the non-binary and gender-bending love in the forum!