Asking a dom personal questions?

[nn****]

I appreciate the responses from everyone! They are very helpful and really kind! For context I’m new to the whole sub dynamic, I’ve been talking to this person for a long time but we’ve never had a proper conversation about rules or boundaries. She asked me a personal question and I asked the same one in return and that where the problem started. I will try and have a conversation with her about boundaries and hopefully i can get a better idea about whether I should run or if we’re just not communicating well

[ic****]

Bottom line is this. If your dom doesn't care about your safety and happiness, you are not being dommed, you're being ***d.

[Da****]

There are so many red flags. They want to know everything about your personal life, but they don't want to give you anything about their personal life. I think it is to develop trust communication honesty and holding them accountable. It brings into question what they are hiding. I discourage getting involved in an online relationship with any submissive. It is time to lay down boundaries. It is almost border line ***.

[ki****]

You need to outright tell your Dom that you feel unsafe following through on that punishment and that you'd like another option. There are ways to set boundaries without being bratty. But it sounds to me like this person doesn't even respect you if one of their solutions to you asking questions is to ignore you. Silent treatment is never a "good" punishment. I think it would be a good idea to approach the topic outside of a scene and let them know how it makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask them what types of questions they're comfortable answering so you don't cross some unknown line with them. Tell them to just tell you if they'd prefer not to answer the question you're asking. Unless it is a protocol between you that you must never ask personal questions, there's no reason that should warrant punishment/silent treatment.

[ic****]

TBH if your dom doesn't care about your safety and happiness you are not being dommed, you are being a bused

[De****]

There are people out there who will claim to be Dom/mes, but are just ***rs, manipulators and con artists. While it is a lot work to be a Dom for a sub, a Dom is actively being given the gift of your submissiveness. That is valuable and needs to be respected. That also means that if you are giving your submission because you think you are supposed to see yourself as less than, than you are not in a healthy relationship.

A Dom should be training only by informed and agreed consent. Coerced consent is not consent. If you do not agreed with the punishment, it is not wrong to not do it. The dynamic is trust, and by the sounds of it, this "fake Dom" is not willing to engage at a deeper level to show you you can trust them. (Use "fake dom" for someone just performing being dom, without embodying it. A bad dom can still be just not skilled or is learning, but actively engages with their sub, to improve the relationship).

You are not a bad sub for pushing back. If you don't push back with a real dom, you can serious traumatized them if they hurt you and didn't see the signs they were pushing to far.

It is always ok to push back. Just clearly make sure there is a distinction between bratting (pushing back within a scene or part of a dynamic for agreed fun (your dom needs to be on board with that as well), and serious concerns. If you have a true Domme/sub relationship (which is what I am assuming you want), then you need you need to push back for them as well as you.

But I think you already know the answer here. It sounds like you need to keep looking for a true domme and grieve this relationship.

[Deleted Member]

sounds like you might be getting scammed. be careful

[Mi****]

As a Dom you agree boundaries and review them but don’t cross them unless you’re ready.

For me a submissive can ask me anything I answer always as best I can. If I can’t I explain the reason.

I would expect similar from a submissive. A simple explanation would suffice.

Personally I would be careful if a Dom for no reason won’t share with you information but expects you.

Hope that helps.

[Ch****]

Wow that's just all kinda of red flags. If a Dom/me isn't willing to answer personal questions then how is trust supposed to be built? It would be one thing to give a reason if they had one for not answering but to just not answer and then punish you for asking is just a big nope. Secondly if a punishment makes you uncomfortable especially if you feel unsafe then that is exactly when a sub needs to speak up and discuss what is going on.

[Ha****]

A Dom’s responsibility is to keep the sub SAFE, and to PROTECT them. Not put them in harms way. I agree with @coon-rapidsmike, you may be getting scammed. Try this… do a VIDEO CALL! If they can’t, or won’t, walk away. Block him/her!!

[Ma****]

A big thing that we (doms) are supposed to do is make sure that subs feel safe, protected, and build mutual trust. If you know nothing about us then there is no trust. I’m not a big fan of video calls myself but if a sub wants to confirm I am who I say, it isn’t difficult to find an hour to talk about our boundaries! I also can’t relate completely to a sub but I could NEVER even talk to someone whom will not show a mutual respect and tell me about themselves. My opinion is attempt to set up a time where you can talk about your boundaries and if they aren’t respectful of that then they can find someone else who doesn’t want to be respected

[FOX-UKDD]

Just going to repeat what the chaps have said about this already.

I don’t think any of us here will be able to support this behaviour at all. As @HandyMan says, our responsibility is to hold a space where our submissive feels SAFE!

This is a non-negotiable obligation for any of us who understands even the slightest amount about the psychology behind our lifestyle. Without the safe space there is no place to build trust, without the trust there is no place for open communication as a dynamic is built.

I would heed the advice here and make steps to get clarity on the person in full before agreeing to continuing further. RED FLAGS 🚩

[ti****]

Ask

[Do****]

Ok well when it comes to that kind of relationship or whatever you want to call it, the idea is to make sure that both people are safe and if you don’t feel comfortable doing stuff she is wanting you to do, then you need to tell her “ok we need ground rules that we both agree” if she is wanting to make sure you safe she won’t have a problem with that. If she gets upset or mad then she is wanting the kind of relationship that is completely one sided and that what this life style is about. Don’t be afraid to share with your partner on this.

[ma****]

Daddy Dom here. I concur that you should always be allowed to speak your mind and feel safe. D/s relationships are an agreement not a right. If the “dom” refuses this, they are just an insecure pretender.

[Ji****]

As a Daddy Dom I encourage my submissive/little to ask questions. Something seems off with this.

[pa****]

Sounds like a bad Domne. Yes, they exist.

[Deleted Member]

Punishments are all well and good (fun sometimes!) but boundaries and limits need to be set down before punishments can be issued and there needs to be understanding that boundaries can change. This is why open communication and trust are so absolutely vital in a dynamic.
Honestly, it sounds like your domme doesn’t take any accountability.
A a D-type myself - that’s not the type of person I’d trust if I were ever to sub (which won’t happen!) for someone.
I’d run.

[Co****]

With respect to personal information, it fits the power dynamic for the sub to be required to be more open and *** than the Dom. What you are and aren’t allowed to do and how you are allowed to talk to the Dom are also part of the dynamic.

As for safety concerns, you are under no obligation to do anything you feel is unsafe. However, some risk can be exciting for some people. You need to find and communicate your boundaries.

“Push back” against punishment is not appropriate sub behavior. I wouldn’t want a sub who argued with me every time I imposed any punishment or discipline. However, the limits of what sort of punishment can be handed out is something that should be discussed and agreed to.

If the type of punishment this Dom imposes is a problem for you, you need to have a discussion. Keep in mind that coming up with appropriate punishment ideas long distance can be challenging. Perhaps you can make alternate suggestions.

What are you each trying to get out of an online relationship? Perhaps you can talk to the Dom about the types of control and punishment that you find appealing and will give you what you want.

Keep in mind that the relationship goes two ways. Doms have needs and desires to fulfill too - as well as limits. If your Dom is not willing to share personal information in an online relationship, that is their limit. If that is not acceptable to you, then you need to find someone with whom you are more compatible.

[Deleted Member]

Good luck. It sounds like a complete mind f*** to me. The Domme should be a caretaker also. Putting you at risk isn’t being a caretaker

[kinkymasterandrew]

Communication is the bedrock of any good relationship, you deserve a response to your questions just as much as she deserves answers to her questions.

You should both have a frank discussion on boundaries before anything serious happens. Not doing so will lead to confusion and hurt you, her, and the relationship.

If anyone pushes you to do something you don't think is safe, they have a right to know how you feel and you have a right to have your ***s addressed.

[kinkymasterandrew]

LOL ok, ...you have a right to have your CONCERNS addressed.

[Deleted Member]

This just all sounds extremely toxic. Someone who is probably just using you for their own pleasure. Not caring about you as a person nor your safety. Maybe they are just experimenting with you. Also if she is not opening up means she’s not emotionally available, it doesn’t matter why, she is just getting what she wants from you while you are not getting what you want and deserve (at the very least your dom should be someone honest, transparent, safe, caring and respectful of your limits). Hope this helps.

[Bu****]

Sub here! Asking questions isn't always questioning authority. Your dom should know the difference.

[Deleted Member]

Get out while you can