Pro-Dommes vs. Pro-Doms?

[Deleted Member]

This is an honest question. Why, in the Kink Community, are Professional Dommes/Dominarix... Female Identifying Dominants, so much more accepted than Professional Male Identifying Doms?

Don't get me wrong. I know several Pro Dommes. They are all exceptional Dominants and consummate professionals and would vouch for them in a heartbeat. I LOVE working with them. Full support.
Several Pro Doms as well. Same sentiment.

So why doesn't anyone bat an eye at a Pro Domme but lose it over a male Pro Dom?
Both provide the same services with the same level of professionalism, knowledge, safety and confidentiality.
So why the hate for the Males?

Now, before you hit me with the Predator factor; believe me, I know the *** and the need for safety. I teach classes on it. I also know from being in the Kink world for a very long time, and you do too, if you have been around long enough, that the predator factor is pretty evenly spread across all gender identities, but still a legitimate concern. So we will go ahead and acknowledge that that is a real concern. Would you mind expounding on why YOU feel it's more of a concern for males?

 

[Deleted Member]

Really thoughtful question. I think the skepticism toward male Pro Doms often stems from broader cultural dynamics, many subs, especially femmes, carry trauma or mistrust around male authority. That makes hiring a male Dom feel riskier, even if he’s professional and safe.

Female Pro Dommes are often seen as empowered or reclaiming control, while male dominance is more frequently linked with harm or ego, because we rarely see healthy male dominance modeled in nuanced, service oriented ways.

It’s not always fair, but it’s real. The predator concern does exist across all genders, but for many, the emotional charge around male dominance is just heavier.

[An****]

I also think male Doms have a tendency to inherently link sex and BDSM; whereas female Dommes don’t. And if you’re paying just to be dominated, sex is not expected. Many male Doms I know wouldn’t take on a submissive they can’t have sex with.

[bi****]

I also think it’s just a numbers game. There are a lot more males who lean dominant than females, so it’s easy to find a male dominant partner for free than a female. At least this is what I’ve seen as I’ve looked to explore my submissive side.

[Deleted Member]

48 minutes ago, ParsleyTree said:

Really thoughtful question. I think the skepticism toward male Pro Doms often stems from broader cultural dynamics, many subs, especially femmes, carry trauma or mistrust around male authority. That makes hiring a male Dom feel riskier, even if he’s professional and safe.

Female Pro Dommes are often seen as empowered or reclaiming control, while male dominance is more frequently linked with harm or ego, because we rarely see healthy male dominance modeled in nuanced, service oriented ways.

It’s not always fair, but it’s real. The predator concern does exist across all genders, but for many, the emotional charge around male dominance is just heavier.

I agree with all that you have said. Though I would debate the misconception that Males are more dangerous than Females... But I do understand and agree with you. It is real.
My questions to you now are, why then are Male Non-Pro Doms still so in demand? Is it just not ok for Males to be sex workers? To charge? Is there a creep factor?
Thank you for your response and discussion! Great reply.

[Ch****]

Personally, I don't hate on either. So long as the person is respectful and safe I am not concerned. That applies to female-identifying, male-identifying, non-binary identitying or anywhere in between.

I can see people raised in the patriarchal world having a problem with men getting paid for it.

[mu****]

Its the fact he's a man. Men are naturally considered more dominant in general so its like why would you assume any different = less attention. Whereas with a woman being dominate it stands out more from a cultural norm and perspective of what is precived as "normal"

[Ex****]

It's a natural desire for genetic dominance. Male doms are sub consciously threatening because they are in a position to breed more and decrease another man's odds of producing offspring (even if that doesn't happen for real). Female doms are seen as playing a part and are subconsciously still available as a reproductive candidate (even if they really aren't).

[Deleted Member]

It’s a really good question and I honestly think the answer for it is rooted right there in Hollywood movies..

The hero is the strong dominant man, he takes charge in a bad situation and he dominates. But then ever notice they always have to throw in that love scene for him to show his soft side that he’s not the villain

I mean, every single movie has the hero. Being this dominant guy takes charge and every single movie. He’s gotta be intimate with the woman to show that he’s not the villain and then every villain it’s like never has a girlfriend and the hero even if he’s single in the beginning, he’s not at the end of the movie

They wanted to portray men as being non-villains when they are loving. BDSM with the whips in the chains gives people the impression of the man who is in control and he’s gonna lay down the law and tell somebody how it’s gonna be they don’t see him with anybody that’s not lower than him because his submissive or slave would be bowing down to his greater power, the same ideology that we see in movies being portrayed as the villain

I mean, that’s my honest mistake on it

[ki****]

I think it’s cause there is just an abundance of males that aren’t actually Dom they just claim to be cause they have little to no control in their own life. They instead just like asserting dominance in personal relationships to be in some type of control and find it easy to control woman. They want things (especially sexual things ) and use the term Dom so they can get those things fulfilled for them with little to no effort. I think enough of us have experienced a “Dom” that actually has no idea what they’re doing (other than fulfilling their own pleasure) and have no clue what it actually entails to physically(or emotionally)please their partner. Straight females in physical relationships with straight men are statistically not being fulfilled sexually (aka not achieving orgasms) I think also in these spaces we’re not even fully focused on the predatory factor as much as the general knowledge that that term gets used a LOT by those who don’t actually understand or fulfill it to the extent and degree that we are looking for.

[be****]

Look, Im not saying I agree with this idea but it is for the way men and women have dealt with each other sexually for a very long time. So that is part of the heterossexual norma, i suppose on kinky gay community prodoms are super welcome and loved, is it? Or not really

[be****]

5 hours ago, ParsleyTree said:

Really thoughtful question. I think the skepticism toward male Pro Doms often stems from broader cultural dynamics, many subs, especially femmes, carry trauma or mistrust around male authority. That makes hiring a male Dom feel riskier, even if he’s professional and safe.

Female Pro Dommes are often seen as empowered or reclaiming control, while male dominance is more frequently linked with harm or ego, because we rarely see healthy male dominance modeled in nuanced, service oriented ways.

It’s not always fair, but it’s real. The predator concern does exist across all genders, but for many, the emotional charge around male dominance is just heavier.

That makes a lot of sense

[ey****]

20 hours ago, DevilsAdvoc8 said:

Why, in the Kink Community, are Professional Dommes/Dominarix... Female Identifying Dominants, so much more accepted than Professional Male Identifying Doms?

As a general rule, I don't see any hate or lack of acceptance towards Professional Male Dominants - there are of course challenges many face and most of that is around client base.   

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, DevilsAdvoc8 said:

I agree with all that you have said. Though I would debate the misconception that Males are more dangerous than Females... But I do understand and agree with you. It is real.
My questions to you now are, why then are Male Non-Pro Doms still so in demand? Is it just not ok for Males to be sex workers? To charge? Is there a creep factor?
Thank you for your response and discussion! Great reply.

I think a lot of it comes down to fantasy vs. transaction. People often seek out unpaid male Doms because the dynamic feels ‘organic’ or romanticised,,less like a service, more like a connection. Once payment enters the picture, some people perceive it as transactional, or even suspicious, especially if it’s a man charging.
There’s definitely still stigma around male sex work. I think the ‘creep factor’ plays into it, often unfairly. Some assume a man charging for dominance must be doing it for ego or control, not out of care or skill. Meanwhile, Pro Dommes are more easily seen as empowered professionals offering a service.

It’s a double standard worth unpacking, and I’m glad we’re doing just that here.

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, AnnieD3miUrge said:

I also think male Doms have a tendency to inherently link sex and BDSM; whereas female Dommes don’t. And if you’re paying just to be dominated, sex is not expected. Many male Doms I know wouldn’t take on a submissive they can’t have sex with.

I think we enter dangerous territory when we say one gender is more prone to sexual activity than another. That being said, a Professional Dom/Domme would negotiate any scenes just like any other. If we assume Professional ethics, and grown men fully in control of their urges, what would be your take then?

[Deleted Member]

I really enjoy the responses so far. Very interesting.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, kitten43 said:

I think it’s cause there is just an abundance of males that aren’t actually Dom they just claim to be cause they have little to no control in their own life. They instead just like asserting dominance in personal relationships to be in some type of control and find it easy to control woman. They want things (especially sexual things ) and use the term Dom so they can get those things fulfilled for them with little to no effort. I think enough of us have experienced a “Dom” that actually has no idea what they’re doing (other than fulfilling their own pleasure) and have no clue what it actually entails to physically(or emotionally)please their partner. Straight females in physical relationships with straight men are statistically not being fulfilled sexually (aka not achieving orgasms) I think also in these spaces we’re not even fully focused on the predatory factor as much as the general knowledge that that term gets used a LOT by those who don’t actually understand or fulfill it to the extent and degree that we are looking for.

Love this. Their are a LOT of 20 year old "doms" And those who claim knowledge they don't have and are straight up dangerous. So is it a bad thing to be able to engage a professional with verifiable skills and knowledge, that will negotiate and perform a scene exactly the way you want, safely? Someone you can vette and verify yourself? Which do you feel would provide you with a more enjoyable experience? Frat Bro Kyle or a Professional with verifiable references?

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, betinaflag said:

Look, Im not saying I agree with this idea but it is for the way men and women have dealt with each other sexually for a very long time. So that is part of the heterossexual norma, i suppose on kinky gay community prodoms are super welcome and loved, is it? Or not really

I agree, the bias is definitely based in the "heterosexual" norm to some extent. Shouldn't we, as kinksters, be beyond that? Look at the shit we do to each other. Lol
I don't have much experience with the Gay kink community, so I can't honestly answer that question. Thank you for your input?

[An****]

1 hour ago, DevilsAdvoc8 said:

I think we enter dangerous territory when we say one gender is more prone to sexual activity than another. That being said, a Professional Dom/Domme would negotiate any scenes just like any other. If we assume Professional ethics, and grown men fully in control of their urges, what would be your take then?

At that point, it still falls back a little to my original point. Pro Male Doms are far more likely to lose clients to non-paid/ non-Pro Male Doms because if you can pay the man in sex, why would you pay him in *** (not my mindset; just one I’ve witnessed)? I’m in a social circle that has both. And their experience is that if a woman is sexually attracted, she’d rather pay with her body than with ***. And the Pro Male Doms are not as interested in having sexual relations with their clients - its work.

[ey****]

couple of spin off points I'll come onto in different posts.

The first is the story of the would be Male Escort.     This is a story which is as old as time.

There's someone made a blog about it about the heart sinking moment when there'll be with a client - they'll fake a few orgasms during oral and the guy will say the dreaded words, "I'm good, eh...." then laugh, "maybe you should be paying me" and before you know it he's switched his profile from client to provider (with all the feedback about how he's a good guy transferring over to the new profile so it looks like he's had clients) and set up an awful profile in the wait for offers.... that very rarely come.  And that usually this person is hetero, and only looking for paying women - but the women who book male providers take on look at the cringe and go lolno - or take a booking and don't go back cos it really wasn't that special.

Does this happen with men deciding they want to be Pro Doms.   Sometimes.   And that type of thing folk can be understandably judgey about.

[ey****]

My next spin off is the question of "but who are the clients?" folk assume that Pro Dommes only get cis het men.  They don't.   A lot depends on the desired outcome from the session - but someone going to see one might do so on reputation, as well as other factors.   

This somewhat surprisingly can include gay men - particularly if with a provider who won't do an orgasm at the end if it's a style they otherwise enjoy (remember the whole "kink doesn't have to be sexual" thing) but certainly this can include clients across the scale

Most Pro Dommes tend not to care too much about the gender or sexuality of their client, providing the whole session is within their limits and they understand what is wanted and what isn't -- though while there are more women booking then used to, the client base is mostly men.

 

On the flip - for private sessions most Male Pro Doms get mostly, or exclusively, male clients.  

There is an interesting blog about a male Pro Dom who ONLY sees women (and, couples) and, ahem, his rate is "whatever people offer" - which, doesn't take a lot to work out the intent.

And an issue maybe is that some guys try to do the Pro Dom thing expecting female clients, and thinking they can handle male clients - and actually doing neither.  

There's a few Male Doms I know and in a lot of cases it's not their only/main income and in some where all their income is adult based they make more from content than private sessions 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

19 hours ago, ChameleonLady said:

Personally, I don't hate on either. So long as the person is respectful and safe I am not concerned. That applies to female-identifying, male-identifying, non-binary identitying or anywhere in between.

I can see people raised in the patriarchal world having a problem with men getting paid for it.

This is also my personal take on it.

[Deleted Member]

BTW, I am not a Pro Dom, I just noticed some discussions about it here and on Fetlife.

[Pe****]

It's probably a combination of things. Mainly societal perceptions and availability.
.
Society has taught men that they should be strong and dominant. As such, a good number of men who want to submit only feel comfortable doing so in a discreet, private manner. This means they can't attend parties and munches, so non-transactional ways of finding a partner don't work for them. Women have never had such discrimination in regard to submission.
.
The same holds true for sexuality. Acceptance in general has been on the rise, but for a long time gays were not as accepted as lesbians. This means that doms only get clients who only want a male dominant while dommes get the clients who only want a female dominant as well as the majority who would be comfortable with either gender.
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Even in the replies here, there are people bringing up a creep factor and/or that men are more sexual. Men are viewed as untrustworthy, unable to control their *** instincts, and dangerous in general. Women, on the other hand, are seen as caring, incapable of inflicting ***, and generally safe. Plenty of hetero women entering the scene choose to submit to a domme because they're under the belief that there are men who will *** them, but another woman will always be safe. Bisexuals and other sexualities follow the same idea. Couples and polycules are often only looking for women as well. On the other side, finding a hetero man willing to submit to a male is practically unheard of. The result is lots of people eager to find a domme and significantly less willing to even consider a dom. This creates a situation of there always being doms eager to find a submissive, and why would the few people interested in a dom pay for what is abundantly available for free?
.
Casual, relationship, transactional, sexual, non-sexual, no matter what dynamic you look at, there is always more demand for women than men.

[Deleted Member]

It is more common to find males using the titles to simply get what they want, claim whom they want, and be abusive within the lifestyle than it is to find women doing the same. Men are accepted quite easily when they actually have the knowledge and present themselves well within the community. -personal experience serving both-