The Darker Side of Being a Sub That I Don’t Hear People Talk About Enough

[Deleted Member]

I’ve been in the lifestyle long enough to know the beautiful parts of being a submissive, the surrender, the trust, the intensity, the peace. But I’ve also felt the darker side of it, and I don’t think we talk about that as openly. There are moments where I hit a sub drop so low that I can’t even explain it to anyone. It feels like my chest is hollow and my emotions are too heavy for my own body.

I’ve had times where I’ve given myself completely to a dom, emotionally and mentally, only to end up feeling alone in the silence that follows. There are nights I’ve gone to sleep feeling invisible, even though I technically “belong” to someone. Times where my needs were heard during a session but somehow ignored in real life. Times where I felt deeply connected in the moment, then deeply lonely afterward.

Sometimes the lifestyle brings out a level of vulnerability that hurts in ways that are hard to put into words. The crying that comes out of nowhere. The emotional crash after giving so much of yourself. The feeling of being devoted to someone who doesn’t always show the same level of presence or attention outside of the dynamic.

I guess I’m wondering how others experience this. Do you go through the same lows, the same drops, the same emotional emptiness sometimes? How do you deal with those moments where you’re submissive to someone, but you still feel lonely or unheard?

I’m not looking for perfect answers, just real conversations with people who understand the raw side of this lifestyle, not just the pretty parts.

[80****]

There is definitely a drop after such a dramatic release for both. It's nice to float on that cloud after in peace, for me. Just need a Dom with the chemistry and awareness to maintain your needs.

[Fo****]

I have dealt with this more than once and looking back on the individuals that it happened with, they were the problem not me. I communicated and said what my wants and needs were and did not receive that but they made sure their needs were met. They were not true doms and they were not in it for the right reasons. Unfortunately I didn’t see that bc I was being genuine and in the end that’s where we get into our emotions bc we don’t feel heard or good enough and we don’t understand why, when in reality it’s the other way around. If your needs and wants are not being met take back your submission bc they don’t deserve it!

[Deleted Member]

Im not sure if im barking up the wrong tree here but i think what you are talking about is that point that after the fun there should be some sort of bond whether or not its being held in the others arms and falling asleep together or just something as simple as holding hands while watching the TV. I think sometimes we let the role of Dom and sub take over from the fact we have bonds with our partners

[Ne****]

This is beautifully expressed. Raw and ***, and nothing I've known folks to talk of directly, but perhaps we've meandered in and around it...
I've experienced a lot of what I think You have brilliantly laid out here, and whilst the themes are common occurrence, I share in your ascertaining that we don't talk about these aspects, and this post has me realising I desperately NEED to - ravenous for it!

I've dealt in unhealthy ways; stifling, internalising, self-punishment, and more.

Thank you for writing, sharing this.

[Ch****]

Thank you for sharing. I'm just learning things in this lifestyle. Never experienced the good or sensitive. It's definitely something to think about

[de****]

Find a dom that cares about aftercare and emotional healthy support, use your words to make it clear what you’d like

[Ms****]

I could not have written this better myself. When I went through this a few times, I thought something was wrong with me. When I talked to my therapist (she just happens to also be kink positive) thinking BDSM wasn't for me, she explained sub drop to me. It made sense. Then she made some suggestions for aftercare, due to the other person being 2 hours away from me. Unfortunately, I learned that I need to work through some of my own emotional junk and am not even sure what type of aftercare I need to prevent such a drop. So I have taken a break from intense BDSM play, to learn what I really need. Its not fair to a partner to make them responsible for intense play, aftercare and figuring out what I need to feel supported and loved. Its a hard choice to make, but it also made me reflect on my partner and think about if they are right for me. Maybe a long distance partner just doesn't fit what I need, no matter how great the play and chemistry is.

[wb****]

The way you wrote this and some of the comments make me realize I was mistreated even more than I thought I was. I am going to have to talk to my therapist about this, here’s hoping she understands.

[Ba****]

No words, but this resonates. Even with an amazing partner supporting me. I wish I could offer advice, off to read the comments now for some myself, but immediately wanted to acknowledge you aren’t alone.

[Pe****]

THIS!! OMG

[Ne****]

8 hours ago, wbl51265 said:

The way you wrote this and some of the comments make me realize I was mistreated even more than I thought I was. I am going to have to talk to my therapist about this, here’s hoping she understands.

So sorry for that. Being open and in pro the***utic exchange is excellent.

[mb****]

This 1000% I by all rights should be dead by my 1st experience a predator saw my nature and befriended me and when I trusted him all hell a
Happened

[Qu****]

I do believe everyone feels this. The problem is the sense of identity you've assigned to me is not all I am. Therefore just the roles of sub and Dom if you put your other in that area will never feel fulfilling long term. I've never felt seen with any of my submissives, they want you to play a role they decided before speaking. A dissonance between what we want and what we need.

[du****]

This sounds horrible

[Deleted Member]

So sorry to hear this. A good Dom will do his after care. To make sure u still feel safe wanted.

[sa****]

This sounds so ***ful. I’ve felt the very same way you’re describing and wondered how the hell I ended up there…in a different context. But whether it’s a long term relationship or a dom/sub dynamic, both are two way streets and reciprocation is necessary for both people to feel fulfilled. It’s supposed to be fun. If you’re not getting what you need, that includes emotional needs, I would encourage you to speak up. If after that, you receive no reciprocation, then it’s your choice to stay or go. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Deleted Member]

This is why aftercare and open, frequent communication comes in. Some people don't drop until days or even weeks later. You can't plan for it. However, you can have a plan in place for if this happens and your Dom is not around. Sometimes a phone call can help. Sometimes something more is needed. It really depends on what works best for you. Let your Dom know how you are feeling. Be open with any new Doms you play with. This is not uncommon to feel like this. You just have to take measures for when it does.