What Makes a Good Dom?

[Deleted Member]

We often hear people in the scene talking about this Master or that Mistress, this Dom or that Domme, we hear good things and bad things, things to make our hair stand on end, things to make us laugh and things to make us cry. Of course, believing everything you hear, is not a good idea, as many statements come from rumours and hearsay although, word of mouth recommendations are usually accurate, and so if someone tells you that Master X or Mistress Y is a good Dominant, then you could reasonably expect that to be close to the truth.

Originally by me written in 2013, much of the information in this article was taken from an article written by my good friend Kim Debron who actually helped me with the re-write. For the sake of my sanity, I am referring to Dominants as male, but the same applies to all Dominants, regardless of gender.....

With the recent pandemic of 50 Shades and other such books, there are an extraordinarily high number of people that are new to this lifestyle. So many of them are submissive, or think they are submissive and unsure of what to look for in a Dom. It got me to thinking about the differences between a good Dom and a bad one, the kind you NEVER want to come across and should ALWAYS be on the lookout for.

My greatest *** is that in desperation to find a Dom, people will rush into bad relationships and not realize their mistakes until it is far too late. We see it happen in the vanilla world far too often, but the BDSM world is so secretive that the lines tend to blur. A bad Dom may not actually kill you, but some part of your personality, your heart, your mind, some part of you will surely die a terrible and unnecessary death if you settle for what feels good now instead of waiting for what you need. Notice I didn’t say what you want there. What you want and what you need are often two completely different things. A Good Dom will provide for your needs, and at his biding, reward you with your wants as he sees fit and as your negotiations and contract permit.

I know what follows is a lot of information and it sounds like I may be describing the “perfect guy” or the “perfect Dom”. By the time you get to the end you will probably be thinking “Well that person doesn’t exist, so I’ll settle for just some of those qualities” this could be a grave mistake.

Good Doms do exist. I have seen them, I have spoken to them, I have many friends who submit to them, I consider myself to be one and have many more friends who ARE good Doms themselves. The problem is people are not taking the time to get to know exactly who they’re getting in bed with before they climb in. They rush, worried that if they let this one go, there will never be another out there for them. They jump into a commitment, beg for that collar and then excuse the problems away, until they are frail shadows of their former selves. And by the time they realise their mistakes, they are too damaged to try again.

In the beginning of a relationship in BDSM you will hear the words “Safe, Sane and Consensual” or “Risk Aware, Consensual Kink”. For beginners, and especially for those who only play (or scene) from time to time, these are not merely descriptive words for BDSM, they are the essence of it. The key word though is “consensual”. It appears in both phrases for a reason. If your relationship is not consensual then it is not BDSM, it is ***. And I beg you to RUN from that relationship. Don’t think, just run. There will be plenty of time for thinking later. Right now, your safety is at stake.

A good Dom will not simply read a few pages on the internet, have a look through a book and then declare himself an experienced master with many years’ experience and several “trained submissives” under his belt. Most have taken the time and trouble to attend workshops and seminars or have perhaps had lessons from or sought advice from other Dominants more experienced than themselves.

There are many so called Dominants who do not know the difference between being dominant and being domineering. A domineering person thinks that it is all about “being in charge” no matter what. Domineering people are often overbearing, loud and tyrannical – yes they exercise control, but it is done in an oppressive way, they are unjust and severe in their treatment of the people around them and their control is often en***d with threats of physical punishment and with no thought for anyone but themselves.

On the other hand, although a Dom also exercises complete control, it is done in a more subtle way, with influences and thoughts rather than threats and physical punishments. Doms care about the people around them, and though they can be authoritarian and powerful, they have the utmost respect for others and a high level of care and consideration.

So, what is it that makes a Dom worthy of your submission? What sets Dominants apart from the abusive idiots who desperately try to *** that title down your throat?

First and foremost, a good Dom has an extraordinary amount of self-control. Sometimes he is so patient that it is infuriating. But it is because of this self-control that he will never hit you out of anger. He will put you FIRST. Even though you’re the one serving him, he makes sure that your needs are met. That your mental, physical and emotional health is in good shape. Those rules about taking your meds and working out? They’re not for his benefit, they’re for yours. Making sure you eat well? Another way to make sure you’re healthy. A good Dom understands the importance of AFTERCARE and will move mountains to make sure you get every minute of it that you need.

A good Dom knows that communication is key to this lifestyle, more so than any other. He knows that talking things out, discussing and understanding your views, your limits, your ***s and your desires is the very core of how you will serve, how he will teach and how well you two will succeed in a relationship together. He may not enjoy going down memory lane of his past, but he will do it willingly and openly to help you understand him better. He’ll be open about his own ***s, desires, fantasies and limits. He will encourage you to talk about anything and everything you desire. He would expect you to be as open with him as he is with you and he would never want you to hide things from him.

A good Dom does his best to understand you, even if that means having to research topics in his own time, having to learn new skills, or having to go out of his way, he will do it because it means getting to know you better. The better he knows you, the better he can talk to you, the easier it will be to understand what makes you tick, why your limits are what they are, how to respond when you’re in a session. He works hard to make sure that he knows your verbal cues as well as your mannerisms. It's his job to protect you even from himself. He takes that to heart.

A good Dom will push you past your limits but will never break them. He will check in on you during a scene “are you okay? How are you doing? What colour are you at?” It might be annoying at times but it’s for your safety. He may even end a scene before you think you’re ready. “No, if we keep going, I will break skin, or bruise nerves that won’t heal properly” or “I think you’ve had enough, little one.” You may not enjoy hearing these things, but your well-being is HIS responsibility, and you are his most valued possession.

A good Dom will let you walk away. He will fight for you but not to the point of stopping you. He will respect your safe word and cut you loose if you ask him to. He will let you walk out of his life forever if you want, even if it nearly kills him to do so. Because when the day is done and the scene is over, he knows that you are the one that is really in control. If the relationship is not consensual at all times, then it is not something he is interested in being a part of. You CHOOSE to submit to him, and in return, he fills a void that only the Dominant can for a submissive.

A good Dom is honest to the deepest part of his being. Honour and duty are important to him. He prides himself on always doing the honourable thing, even if it costs him. He requires the same high expectations of you that he does of himself. He will never lie to you or deceive you or trick you into doing anything. He may tease you, he may joke around with you, but he knows where the line is, and he stays far away from ever crossing it.

A good Dom is humble. He recognizes his own flaws and will gladly point them out to you time and time again. “I am not perfect; I am far from it.” is a common saying for him. “I can’t read minds, I need you to talk to me” is his way of reminding you that he may be good at reading you, but he still needs your permission, your confirmation, your trust and honesty as well.

A good Dom never stops looking for new things to learn. He looks to learn about you, about new skills he can use (be they in the bedroom or outside of it), for new ways to help others. A good Dom understands the importance of a well-read mind and need to exercise it. He reaches out and volunteers his time, skills and sometimes even *** to those less fortunate than him. He asks the same of those who serve him, because he knows that the lessons that helping others can teach us are more valuable than anything else in life. He understands that helping others is what fuels his need for compassion, loyalty, honesty, self-control, humility, and communication with others.

A good Dom doesn't have to blow His own trumpet – he just “IS”. He doesn’t have to demand respect, He gets that anyway, He doesn’t have to announce to the world who He is, because His reputation and the respect of His ***rs precede Him.

A good Dom takes responsibility for the submissive(s) in His life, he controls them and dominates them, but He is empathetic to them and sympathetic to their needs, understanding that for any submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. He is respectful of others, both submissive and dominant, and is not too proud to ask for advice or help if it is needed.

A good Dom is the one whose name comes up in conversation time and time again, he is the one who is sought out for advice, or help. He is the one who other Dominants aspire to be like, he is a role model to up and coming Dominants, and he is the one that many submissives would like to belong to.

A good Dom is popular within the scene and makes time for everyone, and more importantly, does not belittle others, no matter what he may think. He treats everyone with respect and kindness but does not suffer fools and is not afraid to speak his mind and tell someone off should it be necessary. He also tries to be non-political, as far as is possible, not entering into arguments or disagreements, but instead is more likely to act as a pacifier and an arbitrator in an effort to diffuse the situation rather than inflame it.

And of course, with this, comes the “tall poppy” syndrome. There are jealous people in every group or society, people who are consumed with it and who will try to discredit someone at every opportunity. A good Dom will simply ignore the criticisms and barbs aimed at him, as he is secure in himself and know that fires without fuel will eventually die.

Belonging to a Master whom many consider to be a “good dominant” and being well respected and high profile within the scene, also affects his submissive and their life with Him. They have to constantly share Him with others who need or want His attention. They have to understand that when they are out, people will gather around Him, He seems to draw people to him no matter where they are. They also have to be very careful of any comments or actions of their own, as their behaviour is a direct reflection on Him.

Although to some it may not seem real, don’t make the mistake of thinking that the D/s lifestyle is game. To the people who make the choice to live this lifestyle, it is VERY real. It is not just role play, though it can be, depending on the dynamic of the relationship. Some people only do this in the bedroom or when they play - for those people - at that time, it is real - even though they are role playing, but for people who choose to live 24/7, this is not pretend, it is their life, and it is real.

So, in my opinion, a Good Dom is one who is friendly and approachable, has integrity and has great self-awareness. He will put in the effort to get to know you, will help you to feel at ease and will never demand or take what is not freely given. He gives much of himself to others as he is well respected and well liked due to his nature and personality, looked up to by his ***rs and sought out by others, for friendship, and advice. 

And he doesn’t have to blow his own trumpet! 

[Go****]

Love this and finding a real dominant male as described is like finding a needle in a haystack

[Wo****]

I've been incredibly lucky with the Dominants that I've met through this site. Mainly through vetting potential Doms and guidance from friends.

Mist of my kink experiences have been positive with genuine people @LazyPirate, @VoyagerX and @Boldbald.

I've met one Dom from here who was a bit of a fraud, he ended up ghosting me and one "Master" in a vanilla chatroom who was pure evil. A snake. He very nearly destroyed my life.

 

My idea of a good dominant may be different to some but I do, now at least, know what makes a Dominant good for me.

[Ar****]

I feel this is exactly the sort of advice which should be handed out at the most basic level before anybody begins play, thank you so much for sharing.

 

May I have permission to copy the text to pass it on to any kinksters who are not on this site but I feel would benefit from it please? Credit to yourself and Kim, of course.

[Si****]

I really loved reading this post. Thank you for posting it.

[Si****]

55 minutes ago, Bounty said:

I've been incredibly lucky with the Dominants that I've met through this site. Mainly through vetting potential Doms and guidance from friends.

Mist of my kink experiences have been positive with genuine people @LazyPirate, @VoyagerX and @Boldbald.

I've met one Dom from here who was a bit of a fraud, he ended up ghosting me and one "Master" in a vanilla chatroom who was pure evil. A snake. He very nearly destroyed my life.

 

My idea of a good dominant may be different to some but I do, now at least, know what makes a Dominant good for me.

You dont love me no more... lol

[Wo****]

@SirGreen Told you I was fickle......

Do you like my switch? 😇

Terribly sorry I seem to have acquired boldness and partial baldness.

[Deleted Member]

Great post Ty for sharing. ❤️ Trust and integrity are paramount. 

[Si****]

12 minutes ago, Bounty said:

@SirGreen Told you I was fickle......

Do you like my switch? 😇

Terribly sorry I seem to have acquired boldness and partial baldness.

We love your fickleness, its what makes you unique. hahaha

[Si****]

14 minutes ago, Bounty said:

@SirGreen Told you I was fickle......

Do you like my switch? 😇

Terribly sorry I seem to have acquired boldness and partial baldness.

OMG, Ive just noticed youve moved.

[Wo****]

9 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

We love your fickleness, its what makes you unique. hahaha

Thats a polite way of saying mad isnt it? I am actually. Did a schizoprenic test the other day. Results showed that "probably" schizophrenic lol. (So am i)

 

10 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

OMG, Ive just noticed youve moved.

Wind blows in different directions 😊

[ol****]

Good post OP. much wisdom in these words.

[Deleted Member]

This is what I have been looking for.  It has been tough, discouraging and tiring.  Thank you for the reassurance that this kind of Dom does indeed exist!

 

[Th****]

17 hours ago, ARCH73 said:

A good Dom is humble. He recognizes his own flaws and will gladly point them out to you time and time again. “I am not perfect; I am far from it.” is a common saying for him. “I can’t read minds, I need you to talk to me” is his way of reminding you that he may be good at reading you, but he still needs your permission, your confirmation, your trust and honesty as well.

 

17 hours ago, ARCH73 said:

A good Dom doesn't have to blow His own trumpet – he just “IS”. He doesn’t have to demand respect, He gets that anyway, He doesn’t have to announce to the world who He is, because His reputation and the respect of His ***rs precede Him.

 

17 hours ago, ARCH73 said:

A good Dom takes responsibility for the submissive(s) in His life, he controls them and dominates them, but He is empathetic to them and sympathetic to their needs, understanding that for any submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. He is respectful of others, both submissive and dominant, and is not too proud to ask for advice or help if it is needed.

These resounded with me.  Very well said, thank you.

[Soulful_Kinkster]

Very good article for new beginners and a good refresher for experienced Doms and subs. It resonated very well with me and was a good refresher for me. It’s about being humans first respecting each other’s space, then consensual agreed upon dynamics boundaries. To me knowing hard limits is more important than desires and kinks. I always start in trying to know more about them and breaking them into hard limits and soft limits as foundation to figure out the boundaries. Once we define that, it helps me identifying the kinks and fetishes that can be explored. Aftercare is very important to me just as being control as it is very important for subs to be assured and mental health after the dynamic as subs can experience different levels of “drop”. Ultimately D/s is more than sexual play but creating a safe space for sub to explore and attain personal goals of life. Always wanting to learn more as each sub will challenge me, as she is unique person wanting different things. 😇

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, DaveT99599 said:

Very good article for new beginners and a good refresher for experienced Doms and subs. It resonated very well with me and was a good refresher for me. It’s about being humans first respecting each other’s space, then consensual agreed upon dynamics boundaries. To me knowing hard limits is more important than desires and kinks. I always start in trying to know more about them and breaking them into hard limits and soft limits as foundation to figure out the boundaries. Once we define that, it helps me identifying the kinks and fetishes that can be explored. Aftercare is very important to me just as being control as it is very important for subs to be assured and mental health after the dynamic as subs can experience different levels of “drop”. Ultimately D/s is more than sexual play but creating a safe space for sub to explore and attain personal goals of life. Always wanting to learn more as each sub will challenge me, as she is unique person wanting different things. 😇

Couldn't agree more!

[Deleted Member]

Of course it’s obvious for most of us who study the bdsm scene before taking in a submissive under our wings but thanks for giving some of newbies the chance to read your resume. A good basic tool kit to any top/Dom even sub who wish to start their path into bdsm world. Too many start that journey based on porn movies. 
All dynamics and Ds relationship are different but as long you got in your head some  of the advices above then you should be fine. It’s between you and the other partner whatever you decide to get into but we all have few basic commun practices and ethos. 
Communication, agreements, respect, care, consent, safety.
thanks  again Arch

[Koby]

Apologies OP,  but there is a lot presumptions in your post.

Personally, I avoid terms such as "Good" or "True". These terms are relative and not universal.

The post has good intentions, but to avoid binary thinking or "One Wayism"  its important we reflect on our needs and develop our own perspective of a good partner .

[Wi****]

A True Dom/me Doesn't just take control of you or try to order you around that not what i understand as Dominance thats bullying. A true Dom/me is ALWAYS respectful, will guide you, instruct you, encourage you, help you and drive you to reach your full potential. Not in the bedroom in LIFE A true Dom/me will be the most supportive person you've ever met. They'll challenge you and teach you things about yourself you never new. They'll bring the very best out of you.

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for such a great post! Well written and well thought out. Your point is very valid and very well made. Being a Dom is so much more than people realise and I do worry about people newer to the scene. Im returning myself after a long stretch away and even I feel like I'm starting afresh in many ways. Every day is a school day and if your not learning about your craft your should be learning about your sub. It's a good Doms responsibility to their sub that we should hold ourselves to a higher degree of accountability and act with integrity at all times.

[OMGwhatsgoingon]

This feels like looking for a needle in a haystack, but very good to read. I ***ed I was being too picky/demanding/high standards but it's true: this is serious business and its about our safety and wellbeing.. love your posts!

[Deleted Member]

This post should be flagged up for beginners! Beautifully written and perfectly put.

[Urassismine]

Excellent post. In addition to all of those things you’ve listed. I would also add, IMO, that a good dom is extremely, extremely observant. He will observe your every little reaction to every..little...thing, and be able to store that in his memory bank and pull it out at a moments notice. He will observe to the point that he becomes so I intimately familiar with you, that he knows what you are thinking or feeling, often before you do. And he will use this to push your limits, while feeling confident of not breaking them.

[Si****]

On 12/21/2020 at 5:33 PM, OMGwhatsgoingon said:

This feels like looking for a needle in a haystack, but very good to read. I ***ed I was being too picky/demanding/high standards but it's true: this is serious business and its about our safety and wellbeing.. love your posts!

I agree, people should stay true to their own standards and hold them in good standing. Having standards that are decided when the mind is clear when making sound decisions. The only person who suffers is the one who lowers them to something they don’t want or need. It’s about having the courage to stand by your own convictions in life and play.

[Deleted Member]

A wonderfully reflective narrative on what being a Dom is truly about, usefully giving clear points of reference and guidance or both Doms and Subs. Thanks to you both for taking the time to write this piece.

Edited January 17, 2021 by Deleted Member