Common D/s Misconceptions We Really Need to Stop Repeating

[To****]

I keep seeing the same myths circulating in kink spaces — especially among newcomers — and they cause more confusion, frustration, and unsafe dynamics than anything else.
So here are some of the most common “truths” that are actually completely wrong.

Let’s talk about them.

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1. “Subs have no power.” — False.

Submission is a choice, not a weakness.
A healthy dynamic is built on consent, negotiation, and trust — not blind obedience.

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2. “Doms don’t need aftercare.” — Wrong.

Domdrop is real.
Doms need emotional grounding, connection, and decompression just as much as subs.

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3. “Being dominant means being aggressive.” — Absolutely not.

Dominance is clarity, calm, direction, and control.
Aggression without purpose is just emotional noise.

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4. “Subs shouldn’t have limits.” — Dangerous myth.

Everyone has limits.
Having them doesn’t make a sub “less submissive.”
It makes the dynamic safer and more honest.

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5. “D/s only happens in the bedroom.” — Incorrect.

For many, the psychological exchange is felt:
• through rituals
• routines
• tone
• structure
• emotional presence

It’s deeper than physical play.

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6. “Brats just need harsher punishment.” — Not true.

Bratting is a communication style, not a malfunction.
Understanding the motive creates better dynamics than escalating consequences.

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7. “Long-distance dynamics aren’t real.” — False.

Some of the most disciplined, connected D/s relationships I’ve seen were long-distance.
Structure and consistency can be stronger than physical proximity.

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8. “Doms shouldn’t show emotion.” — Wrong again.

Stoicism doesn’t equal dominance.
Presence, awareness and emotional intelligence are what keep a dynamic stable.

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9. “A sub must be available 24/7.” — Unrealistic.

People have lives, work, responsibilities.
Being a sub doesn’t mean abandoning autonomy.

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10. “New players should dive into ‘no limits’, CNC, or extreme play.” — Absolutely not.

Beginners should build trust first, learn basics, and understand negotiation before touching anything involving risk.

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So… what other misconceptions have you all seen constantly repeated?

I’m curious which ones annoy the community the most or which myths you personally had to unlearn

[theSir_ObservingU]

I keep coming across people who don’t realise consent goes both was. Same as safe words. At a munch a sub threw herself at me. Touched me and by past my boundaries without even asking anything. When I pointed out she did not have consent to do that. She was confused. She didn’t realise she needed consent from a dom. but wanted to be asked consent.

[jo****]

Excellent list. Another misconception is that “rough sex” is the same as D/s play or that D/s play is “rough sex.” Some of my most pleasant moments as a Dom have been in playful interaction, teasing and sexual tension. Rough play is hardly ever the focus.

[Mr****]

They’re not myths as such, it’s just a bad preconception of the kink scene due to a higher influx of people who rather than joining the scene with a curiosity to find their likes/dislikes away from the vanilla.

We’ve got an influx of people who have seen stuff on TV/Social media who’ve ***ted certain elements of the scene in a certain light, so you end up with couples coming in treated every female like they’re going to be their personal little unicorn from the get go, you’ve got guys coming in who see someone has CNC in their likes and immediately hyperfocus on it with no second thought for safety measures, because they’ve seen it in porn or some shit.

The scene need more educational based introductions to certain ‘darker’ elements as the majority don’t realise 75%+ of the darker kinks are actually illegal (legislation wise) in most parts of the world 🤣

[cl****]

Man, the many many nails you hit on the head here are factual the biggest one i can say is the new "doms" wanting honorrifics the first 5 seconds of meeting a sub

[75****]

Thank you for this. I'm the newest of newbie trying to understand and grow my understanding of D/s. I've been reading and observing D/s. But, sometimes I felt like Doms were acting like an a**hole 24/7. That's not a Dom I wanted to be. What you're saying makes that system possible. This is well-rounded information it feels like.

[BD****]

Hear hear!!!! Get this man a beer! I concur. Trust and respect are everything. Know your worth Subs. Not all Doms are ready for their role. Don’t be scared to check them!!! Be safe. Stay kinky!

[st****]

There is a fine line between dom and douche, if you don't know it, we know where you fit.

[De****]

All of these annoys me to be fair and I appreciate that you bringing this up on forum as more it comes up ND said better

Even though AI make it more easy to research on own but misconception will keep on rising as there is no shortage or fakes and red flags and to be fair I do feel there numbers are equal if not more.

That's where personal responsibility comes up when you explore lifestyle but also responsibility of LL veteran lifestyler comes into play. To be very vocal about this especially with newbies, even if it doesn't click with them.

Again kudos for the post and bringing it to light

[li****]

Thank you! Great, you took the time to write all this out. It is well thought out and written.

[Ha****]

Agreed!

[Tr****]

The assumption some Dominants have that they can automatically have the right to degrade any sub without prior discussion or formulation of a dynamic. And this probably goes both ways to be fair. I guess this sentence maybe describes what I am trying to convey.
"Yes I'm submissive but I'm not your submissive"

[Se****]

Number 6/ Absofreakinglutely, couldn’t agree with this more. When someone actually cares to understand why I “brat” it says a huge amount about them and helps me to better explain myself.

Number 7/ again couldn’t agree more, one of my most memorable and “deep” (for want of a better word) connections was with someone I’ve never met face to face. He lives in the USA but he understood me in a way very few people ever have and he brought out sides of me that I didn’t know existed. He remains the only Dom who has had the ability to put me on my knees anywhere because of the way he controlled my mind 🥰

[ta****]

I couldn’t agree more!! Thank you for posting! 🥰

[Ec****]

This is actually very helpful information, I've been a bit curious about the dom/sub lifestyle and have even considered giving it a try at some point, and some of the things that you have pointed out have been very helpful. Now it doesn't feel so intimidating/ terrifying.

[Ma****]

Thank you for saying something that I have always struggled to explain to new people. Some of the people that are not into the lifestyle but are aware of my life are always amazed that I don't just call my sub up whenever I want. This is because she has a life of her own as well. I would never expect someone to drop everything for me and it is unrealistic to believe that would ever happen.

[Pr****]

Unfortunately as I've come to learn the people that need this education will never see it or engage with it. Anyone willing to learn rarely dips into these territories or misconceptions naturally and are quick to realize many things.

It's usually the other end coming to learn after a bad experience. That's where I try to promote better vetting techniques, understanding how a role should function, and patience.

[Ta****]

Totally agree with all these & may I add that Doms can & should safeword in play/scene just as subs should.
This is a great post BTW

[ey****]

I'd add

"the sub is the one that holds all the power"

"you're not a real sub/dom/whatever if...."

"submission is a gift"

and, one that isn't a misconception but meaningless on it's own : "Communication is key" (true, but what does that mean in the context. People bandy it around without actually communicating what they mean, showing they're failing at their own text book  phrase")

[Mo****]

I'd like to add one that shouldn't need to be said at all but apparently needs to:
Long distance aftercare is a thing. Having fun with a scene via video chat or texting is fun but being left in the dust immediately after (for either side) is hard. Touch base, make sure your person is doing okay.

[Si****]

I frequently see “pillow princess” being used incorrectly, newbies thinking it’s a submissive position when by definition it’s not, often being dominant when non reciprocating. It’s kind of the ultimate switch dynamic, and if I’m totally honest, confusing.

The OP covered a lot as well, primarily is unrealistic expectations. This is ideally a sharing of power, not something to be forc@d or ripped away, not without communication at least.

[Lo****]

This is so true!

[gi****]

I am scared to know that someone has ever said someone needs to jump in to cnc. That is beyond dangerous and a major red flag.

[kd****]

As a Domme I get a lot of first interactions that start off as "I want you to dom me and do this, this and this." manners matter. Communication on an adult level matters. And always play safe sane and consensual.

[Ba****]

I’ve also heard a counter to your first one: subs have all the power - again, wrong. Obviously. It is a power exchange, with both being equal in that exchange.

And

It only takes the sub to give their submission. Completely ignoring that the Dominant must also accept the submission.