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What Does ‘Experienced Dom/Daddy’ Truly Mean?

BbyGirlKuromi

By BbyGirlKuromi
in BDSM Forum

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BbyGirlKuromi

BbyGirlKuromi

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I’ve been a subby little for 13 years, and this lifestyle is deeply meaningful to me. I’m also demisexual, so trust, bonding, and emotional safety have always been the foundation of any dynamic I enter.

What confuses me is how many men call themselves “experienced Doms or Daddies” yet open conversations with disregard to my role entirely, and dismiss my boundaries simply because “it’s a fetish site.”

To me, an experienced Dom/Daddy understands how delicate (littles) can be, knows how to build connection before intimacy, and never pushes a little into discomfort.

So I’d really like to ask the community:
What do YOU believe makes a Dom/Daddy truly “experienced”? How do you approach creating a safe, respectful space? And why do so many think it excuses ignoring the basics of connection and role-respect?
RedFoxUK

RedFoxUK

Posted
The trouble with the statement is that 9 times out of 10 it is utter BS. Many men, sadly, will tell you what you want to hear until they get what they want... and then drop you like a stone. Actions speak far louder than words, if someone doesn't approach you with respect and sensitivity, then they don't have the first clue what they are talking about.
Kn****

Kn****

Posted
I think it is part of the problem with meeting online. Men feel pressure to stand out from the hordes potential mates sliding in your DMs. When meeting in a more organic environment, there is less pressure to make a connection instantly allowing for trust to build over time.
I am new at this and can admit that I am struggling trying to find a respectful alway to gain a perspective little as attention.
St****

St****

Posted
I consider myself an inexperienced Dom. Simply because well…I have met many who lived the lifestyle 24/7. I have only had small scenes and a few relationships where it wasn’t full time but we did create ways for me to know my sub was in sub space and needed something.

Honestly, I feel a lot of anxiety when trying to speak with people about things online as were when I meet them in person the anxiety is gone and I feel more myself.
I never know what to say and over think my words when typing plus there is so much information that can be gained in body language alone. Cues that I can’t pick up on online.
Jo****

Jo****

Posted
If they're not listening, then they're not able to fulfill their role as a Dominant, which is fulfilling their submissive's needs, wants, desires while respecting their limits & boundaries. That's not a Dominant; that's a user/***r.
BbyGirlKuromi

BbyGirlKuromi

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13 minutes ago, KngBull said:
I think it is part of the problem with meeting online. Men feel pressure to stand out from the hordes potential mates sliding in your DMs. When meeting in a more organic environment, there is less pressure to make a connection instantly allowing for trust to build over time.
I am new at this and can admit that I am struggling trying to find a respectful alway to gain a perspective little as attention.

Some advice for gaining a perspective little attention... I'd say slow down, communicate, and show genuine effort. I believe that will get their attention.

BbyGirlKuromi

BbyGirlKuromi

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18 minutes ago, RedFoxUK said:
The trouble with the statement is that 9 times out of 10 it is utter BS. Many men, sadly, will tell you what you want to hear until they get what they want... and then drop you like a stone. Actions speak far louder than words, if someone doesn't approach you with respect and sensitivity, then they don't have the first clue what they are talking about.

Exactly. Words are easy, anybody can say the right thing. What actually matters is how someone shows up, how they communicate, and whether their actions match what they claim to be. Respect, consistency, and sensitivity aren’t negotiable for me. If a man can’t lead with that, he’s already shown me everything I need to know.

Ch****

Ch****

Posted
"Experienced" is the "new and improved" of the kink world. It might be good; it might be decades of wrong. As to other questions, if I (Chrome) were to approach you, I'd read your profile and still not know, so I'd approach you as a human woman. Keep it vanilla at first. The questions are, how do you want to be approached? What is "connection and role-respect"? Do you want to be approached in your role, or as vanilla to build connection? Human woman or little? Are you playing virtually at first or only when connection and trust are established, maybe IRL? Some guys will just jump to inappropriate statements or play from the jump, not reading profiles...nothing you can do to prevent that overall. For the rest, you can clarify how you want to be treated and hope that the safe and respectful players find you. (I hope this doesnt come across as defending bad actors...it absolutely isn't. Just that subs have some agency for guiding doms as to how to start things off, what to expect, if they approach. Doms, or anyone else, should know if you want kink play to start, or if it only proceeds if conditions are met). Doms, even the most experienced, are not mind readers and shouldn't assume, even if they've done 112 daddy dynamics before you. Define your expectations.
BbyGirlKuromi

BbyGirlKuromi

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9 minutes ago, ChromeStarz said:
"Experienced" is the "new and improved" of the kink world. It might be good; it might be decades of wrong. As to other questions, if I (Chrome) were to approach you, I'd read your profile and still not know, so I'd approach you as a human woman. Keep it vanilla at first. The questions are, how do you want to be approached? What is "connection and role-respect"? Do you want to be approached in your role, or as vanilla to build connection? Human woman or little? Are you playing virtually at first or only when connection and trust are established, maybe IRL? Some guys will just jump to inappropriate statements or play from the jump, not reading profiles...nothing you can do to prevent that overall. For the rest, you can clarify how you want to be treated and hope that the safe and respectful players find you. (I hope this doesnt come across as defending bad actors...it absolutely isn't. Just that subs have some agency for guiding doms as to how to start things off, what to expect, if they approach. Doms, or anyone else, should know if you want kink play to start, or if it only proceeds if conditions are met). Doms, even the most experienced, are not mind readers and shouldn't assume, even if they've done 112 daddy dynamics before you. Define your expectations.

Thank you very much for this! I've had a very detailed profile before but felt NO ONE reads it. I will take this advice and do so again, very clear points made 👏🏽 Thank you Ms Chrome

Mr****

Mr****

Posted
It’s another one of those, they’ve seen someone else use it and think it sounds like a good addition to their profile and makes them more approachable.

I’ve seen and spoke to people, who according to them are ‘experienced’ because they’ve been doing it for years, but when you listen, you see/hear some of the dangers it’s actually quite worrying.

The thing is, every person I’ve come across is different in so many different ways, you can’t come approach every person you meet with the same mindset.

People have different *** levels/limits, no one person is alike and I feel if you don’t get to know someone before going full frontal into things, that’s where you start crossing boundaries and thing become unsafe or someone’s experience is ruined because they didn’t actually like/want what happened.

But the problem with that also, is you’ve got ALOT of people these days who talk a big game because they’ve seen/read or researched, but in actual fact they can’t handle the realities of their own fantasies! But they jump the gun and don’t actually take their time to weigh out situations before hand.
zu****

zu****

Posted
I really like Chrome’s perspective. I manage people in my job and I think it’s interesting to look at your question from a hiring perspective. I have interviewed people with a ton of experience and those with none. I’ve hired both and have come to find that I’ve made both good and poor choices and had to learn from them. Experience doesn’t necessarily mean a good fit or even that a person truly knows what they are doing. In the world of D/s that’s even more complicated because I’m finding that there is a massive range of wants and needs and what people think a Dom is. Is a Dom a person who dresses in leather and ties you to a plank and whips you until you’re marked and bruised? Or someone who uses you and degrades you? Or is a Dom someone who gives you care and direction and corrects you when you’re misbehaving and rewards you when you’re good and follow their instructions? I could go on but my point is to really think about your needs and what you’re willing to do for your Dom and approach potential Doms like you’re interviewing them for a job. Also unfortunately I’m finding a majority of fake people or people who really don’t know what they want on here so I wish you luck.
Ch****

Ch****

Posted
14 minutes ago, BbyGirlKuromi said:

Thank you very much for this! I've had a very detailed profile before but felt NO ONE reads it. I will take this advice and do so again, very clear points made 👏🏽 Thank you Ms Chrome

Jenna loves that you called me Ms. Chrome.  Just "Chrome" is fine 😆 

Ev****

Ev****

Posted
I don't think there should be any disregard or disconnect when it comes to your LG needs, they are first and foremost in my understanding. Anything less sounds like a good catch of a red flag.
Ev****

Ev****

Posted
Really sounds like you have a good capture of meanings and intentions, I think using your intuition is capital.
DO****

DO****

Posted
No, Dom is truly experienced. Experience comes from the time spent with the sub. Each sub is different. Dom’s understand that your sub has true control in the aspect of when the switch is turned on or off. Without the sub willingness to participate. A dumbass is just a sad man with a narcissist issue.
Ch****

Ch****

Posted
24 minutes ago, BbyGirlKuromi said:

I get it 😅 Mr and Ms. Sorry guys. Chrome is Mr (I said Ms 🤭 oops)

You know, it's funny how you accidentally opened a can of worms related to your OP. It's actually "Dr.", which you wouldn't know because I didn't write it and I dont care.  To jenna, Im "Master" or "Sir"...I dont ask or want anyone else to call me that. However, I've definitely read how some people HATE to be called Master or Mistress from the intro ("Im not YOUR Mistress" e.g.)...even though the user of these terms might be doing so to be respectful...Mr. is just polite and kinda bland, but you can see how some might think the same way about Master/Mistress...it's just being respectful, right? I dont care about the use/absence of honorifics here or IRL...but some very much do. The point is, sometimes if you dont spell it out (and sometimes even when you do), others will use their own code of behavior that may not match yours. (For the record, I find your use of honorifics sweet). 

De****

De****

Posted
56 minutes ago, BbyGirlKuromi said:

May you explain what you find False?

When men claim to be experienced but clearly are not. I've met some subs who said this happened to them a few times.

Daddybrains

Daddybrains

Posted
I have been with / mentored / daddied four dissociative littles and about six role-based littles. My thoughts: every little is unique; being an experienced dom does not make you an experienced daddy; daddies are not mind readers and, especially during initial online reactions, need time to learn when they are chatting with (for example) the little, the big, or the protector in your head whether that is a state of consciousness for you or a state of mind.

So, daddies make mistakes in early interactions sometimes - and we beat ourselves up over those just like a sub beats themself up over a failure. I can’t say whether the men you spoke with made a mistake, or didn’t know right from wrong, but I am saddened by that happening to you.

An experienced daddy is scared to death of you when you first meet ;-) Scared they are going to say the wrong thing to an aspect of you that they don’t yet know how to identify. Scared that they’ll treat you like a role-player when you aren’t. Scared they will say little things to the big, or big things to the little. Scared that not every part of you may be on speaking terms with the others.

So that’s how you tell: the ***.

wo****

wo****

Posted
Men will be men. Fantastic and shit heads as well as everything in between. If men will lie about being single and what they do for a living they will lie about other stuff too. BDSM tag doesn’t mean a man is a saint. Expect a man to be a man. Men on this site will blow smoke up your ass in dms and in public posts in an effort to appear a certain way to women. They do it everywhere.

Everyone wears masks. Everyone.

“Experienced Dom” is a claim. Buyer beware. That doesn’t mean what you THINK it means. What you think it means is a product of what your thoughts and ideas are, based on your particular life experiences.

You need to understand what HE actually means with that claim. Understand that even if he is ethical, he wants to put his best foot forward, just like women do when they are interested in a man. Is he sexually dominant and controlling in the bedroom? Has he had a series of flings with a few FWB and several ONS over the past decade? Is that not dominant?

Being dominant plays out thousands of different ways, just like being hetero vanilla does. In an effort to appear magnanimous while competing in a sexual hierarchy some men will try to present as the “proper” or authentic dom. In doing so they are subtly casting shade on other men in order to gain an advantage over them. It’s all part of the mating game.

Expect men to be men. The way they present themselves is just one of the masks they wear. Their claims are just that, claims. When the claim can’t be nailed down and measured concretely i.e. “I made X dollars last year” it doesn’t really tell you much.

“I care about people”, “I am honest”, etc. Just words, a small series of noises coming from the mouth of an adult male human. Those claims fall somewhere on a scale. You need to investigate to find out what he MEANS when he says that.
Does he mean “I’m trying to fuck but I don’t want her to think that so I am stating a platitude in the hope that she will see me more favorably” or does he mean “I value honesty and I hope she does too because I am fairly certain I am more honest than at least 95% of of people”?

Your burden is to 1. Figure out what he actually means when he says something, and 2. is he very honest and trustworthy or to what degree is he talking out of his ass to fool you.

Pr****

Pr****

Posted
Experienced is subjective. But there's a ***ful oversaturation of "doms" and even more of the "daddy's" that don't even have a clue what the title entails. I have seen quite a few who claim to be experienced and still don't have a clue; one example is one stating "he can make someone cum a lot" as his entire role as a daddy. At this point I think there's so many trying without actually learning or applying themselves that they take the "experienced" route to try to stand out. It doesn't take much conversation to sort out someone who is legitimately experienced and educated in things beyond their own role to call the bluff.
This is why I highly encourage thorough vetting, patience, and setting timelines before giving anything to individuals. People can only keep a front up for so long before the cracks start to show.
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