Very frustrating life long problem

[Deleted Member]

Enough people have said you are not broken and offered narratives, so I will skip that.

What is missing here is data.

Facts.
You can orgasm.
You still enjoy sex.
Your body is capable.
Another person’s involvement appears to be the obstacle.

Working assumption (not a conclusion).
You felt safety or pressure may be gating access.

Questions.
Is solo climax harder only when you are seeing or imagining a partner?

Do you feel pressure to finish (from yourself or from a partner)?

Do you tense up or lose focus when you get close?

Do you prioritize your partner’s experience over your own, or assume your needs will not be met anyway?

Has overall life stress increased recently?

If you are comfortable, you might try approaching this experimentally rather than emotionally. With a trusted partner, explain that you are focused on self discovery rather than performance. Observe what happens without rushing. Journaling after (or during) about what helped, what did not, and what you noticed could give you some insight.

[Deleted Member]

To add to all fab suggestions, you mentioning the thoughts gone and just feeling. I would also add reading on climax and ADHD. Perhaps you will find pointers there too. We don't have to be labeled to use neurodiverse tools.

[cr****]

You could introduce toys with partner to help get you there. It definitely helps to bring additional teammates into the mix. My and my partner love toys from Hello Nancy.

[Br****]

You need to check yourself mentally and physically. If you don't have proper diet or exercise that makes it harder to cum in general. Sane with being in the wrong head space. Diet, exercise,meditation.

[Br****]

Even if you are "broken" all people can be repaired. Believe that

[wb****]

6 hours ago, DaddyUchoose said:

I think potentially neither. It's about not being fully present. If you review even most sentences are incomplete, although clear. Try not thinking of the goal of multiple tasks and attend to only one task at a time. Once fully completed, take time to register and acknowledge it, so your brain can witness evidence that you can do it. Then the next and next and next. Micro habits, make great chances. Avoid multitasking no matter how rushed . One mind, one task, one result, then repeat.

The reason sentences are “incomplete” is because I was focus on the wording to prevent blocking.
I was get straight to the point as previous threads I have try to post were rejected for being to wordy.
To insinuate I am multitasking during intercourse, is both rude and insensitive. As I have stated I do “enjoy every part of the experience”. Do you honestly think I could enjoy this if I was “multitasking”?
Additionally at no point in my inquiry did I use the word next must less multiple times.

[wb****]

6 hours ago, ***pingBom said:

A sex therapist could probably give much better info than anyone here.

With artificial you mean toys? Weren't they working for you?

If you're able to finish alone, why not do the exact things you do alone but with a partner? When I finished early with a girl, I would sometimes just lay beside her and help herself finish.

Yes I meant toys, I was trying to not have any word censored. Yes they were working but so was manually. I stop using toys because I didn’t want vibration to be the only I get off. I can’t climax with someone on the phone, I highly doubt in person would work but I’ll give it a try,

[cr****]

You can always warm up with a toy and then move to partner and then if you want to go back to the toy during playtime you could bring it back in. Also when we do toys, I control it for my partner so the edging can be pretty sexy.

[Firepit]

4 hours ago, DonMan-3133 said:

I think it is beyond fucked up that people admit to faking orgasms. As a man that would feel fantastic to hear, but then later down the line you say it was fake? Never made sense to me, then again not a lot does.

It's not like they want to. It's the culmination of many factors. A good example of why Feminism is good for everyone, not just women.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, ***pingBom said:

A sex therapist could probably give much better info than anyone here.

With artificial you mean toys? Weren't they working for you?

If you're able to finish alone, why not do the exact things you do alone but with a partner? When I finished early with a girl, I would sometimes just lay beside her and help herself finish.

I agree with obtaining professionally trained input and also commend for reaching out wherever one can.
FOR ME, Self-pleasure is a separate entity from pleasure derived with others, though there be occasional overlap, it all presents somewhat differently. I don't Need to org and that isn't the point of interaction with others For Me. This is NOT saying partners can just do their thing to climax thenselves and do even less to and with and for Me!!!
🤷

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, ***pingBom said:

A sex therapist could probably give much better info than anyone here.

With artificial you mean toys? Weren't they working for you?

If you're able to finish alone, why not do the exact things you do alone but with a partner? When I finished early with a girl, I would sometimes just lay beside her and help herself finish.

Question, what is the point of having them finish themselves if you're there and y'all are engaging in activity together? That would just further frustrate ME. Since climax is rarely the point for Me, esp with others, if I don't get what I require in all the steps prior, leading up to would-be climax, there'd be very little to no reason/need for me to even engage in that manner...

[DonMan-3133]

6 hours ago, turtlequeen93 said:

I’ve got a very similar issue. I can almost always reach my happy ending by myself but have sadly perfected the art of faking it when with a partner. I enjoy the journey to the happy ending and it usually feels amazing but don’t experience the stars and rainbows. Used to think it was because of past trauma messing with my head but I’ve come to terms with that over the years and it doesn’t enter my mind when I’m with someone. Then thought I wasn’t experiencing the type of sexual relationship I wanted so have experimented with different things with no luck. Know this probably doesn’t help you at all, apologies. But it’s nice for me knowing I’m not alone in feeling like that part of me might be broken.

The man in your photos.. does he know you’re faking it? 😂 let buddy leave if that’s the case, be fair

[wb****]

2 hours ago, MDQC said:

Enough people have said you are not broken and offered narratives, so I will skip that.

What is missing here is data.

Facts.
You can orgasm.
You still enjoy sex.
Your body is capable.
Another person’s involvement appears to be the obstacle.

Working assumption (not a conclusion).
You felt safety or pressure may be gating access.

Questions.
Is solo climax harder only when you are seeing or imagining a partner?

Do you feel pressure to finish (from yourself or from a partner)?

Do you tense up or lose focus when you get close?

Do you prioritize your partner’s experience over your own, or assume your needs will not be met anyway?

Has overall life stress increased recently?

If you are comfortable, you might try approaching this experimentally rather than emotionally. With a trusted partner, explain that you are focused on self discovery rather than performance. Observe what happens without rushing. Journaling after (or during) about what helped, what did not, and what you noticed could give you some insight.

To answer your question; 

There has only been 2 partners I did not feel  pressured by. I did feel safe with both, however I did not climax. 

Solo climaxing is only hard when on the phone or video chat. I had previously been successful while on the phone, it is only recently I have been unable to.

I don't feel any overt pressure or frustration just a over feeling of, if I don't then they won't be content. 

By myself I tend to sort of focus & tense ups little but mostly just let it happen.

 I have both focused of them and not during intercourse.

Being as it is been this way from the being I don't think stress is a factor.

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, wbl51265 said:

To answer the question about trauma, yes and no. The kind of trauma I think your talking about, not until years and a few partners after my first time.

What am I thinking about before or during, nothing. This is one of the few times my brain actually stops thinking and just feels. 

Yes I feel pleasure just not the joy joy a lot of people feel.

@Cheekysmiles the only thing in your first sentence I have had was what I thought was connection.  That's why I added the could not feeling safe be part of the issue, but knowing I have ever truly had "communication, transparency , honesty , consent and trust". Realizing it is more than just not feeling safe definitely would explaine it. 

 

Quite simple to overcome your problem: Find a partner who likes you and you him. Ask him to masstrubate in front of you and enjoy yourself with your finger. If he is emotionally sensible enough to do it for you a couple of times and you both can enjoy it without any penetration then your mindset is changing already. In the next step and you both have build trust use a page out of the kamasutra. Sit down with crossed legs and face to face and let him grow hard . Then let him penetrate you. But tell him not to move an inch. He has only to fill the space nothing more. If he is a good guy and stays passive you will feel safe and the warm body part inside of you tells your mind something positive. Then do your thing and try to reach the climax. Let him stay passive until the last wave .then decide if you want to tell him to finish or not. When you reach this moment you already changed a lot. Should you become to tight in the process to rrach the final , no problem there is a much better way for it. Try it . Maybe it helps. Have fun.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, wbl51265 said:

To answer your question; 

There has only been 2 partners I did not feel  pressured by. I did feel safe with both, however I did not climax. 

Solo climaxing is only hard when on the phone or video chat. I had previously been successful while on the phone, it is only recently I have been unable to.

I don't feel any overt pressure or frustration just a over feeling of, if I don't then they won't be content. 

By myself I tend to sort of focus & tense ups little but mostly just let it happen.

 I have both focused of them and not during intercourse.

Being as it is been this way from the being I don't think stress is a factor.

Thank you, that actually clarifies a lot.

From what you said, what is consistent is that being perceived (even remotely) seems to be the blocker, not safety, attraction, or ability. The pressure you feel is not overt, it is internalized responsibility for the other person’s satisfaction.

If you want to gather cleaner data, you could try a few low-stakes experiments. Obstruct observation or sensory removal (sight, sound, touch), mask, costume, lights off (blackout, zero light), curtain between partners, turning away (headphones on) and note any change.

Or explicitly remove orgasm as an outcome and see how your body responds. Try intentional denial for a period and observe whether desire or access shifts. Explain to your partner so they don't inadvertently skew your data. Log your results. Where is your mind? How do you feel?

Compare how your body responds when presence is felt versus when it is fully removed.

No conclusions needed, just notice what changes when perception, expectation, or outcome are altered. Log your data.

Test things a few times and map any patterns. Have fun with it, remember, you lose nothing if this doesn't change, and trying new things could be interesting and exciting and fun in their own way.

What we know is that something it's sitting at a priority above what you are seeking, you first have to attempt to identify what that is, then find ways to try to reduce that priority.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, wbl51265 said:

To answer your question; 

There has only been 2 partners I did not feel  pressured by. I did feel safe with both, however I did not climax. 

Solo climaxing is only hard when on the phone or video chat. I had previously been successful while on the phone, it is only recently I have been unable to.

I don't feel any overt pressure or frustration just a over feeling of, if I don't then they won't be content. 

By myself I tend to sort of focus & tense ups little but mostly just let it happen.

 I have both focused of them and not during intercourse.

Being as it is been this way from the being I don't think stress is a factor.

You answered it yourself. Think of a couple scuba diving. If one lost his air supply underwater ,the buddy would let him use his own supply, risking his own life. When you select a partner for intercourse, who you trust him enough to dive with you? Change your criteria and better find someone who is communicating more on the emotional channel as only the abstract channel.

[my****]

I was with a girl like this for a long time. Her issue stemmed from trauma and embarrassment about said trauma. I pulled out my A game, my B game, my C game and tried not to ever get frustrated. I never stopped trying but I accepted that she needed space to finish. In the end I would work her up and leave, then watch tv so she could get to her happy place and finish. Then she would come back to me and get her aftercare and cuddles. My ego took some bruises while I figured things out but that look of utter contentment made everything worth it.

[Deleted Member]

My wife is experiencing this now as part of perimenopause - she simply can’t. Even with HRT she hasn’t been able to… until recently. We had to find some mental and verbal aspect of our D/s connection to really get her body to kick into gear and get that happy ending. Once I get her into that mindset, I can lightly touch her nipple and she’ll have a mini-o. Grab her by the hair and get balls deep rather roughly and she rides a wave of organs like never before, one after the other.

Find your most arousing ideas and ask a partner to try and get you into that headspace. It’ll take patience and practice to get there the first time, after that it’s a bit easier. Hopefully this helps.

[Ge****]

Having helped someone through a first time during intercourse recently…. It seems takes a number of things to happen.

It may be a result of trauma, or self consciousness, or some other form of inhibition. That’s just the cause… but I do not believe it means your body is somehow “broken”.

The most important and largest organ related to sexual release is your brain. And it’s also the one that can most get in the way. Getting through those barriers takes much patience (for both you and your partner), exploration, trial and error… it also takes very close observation and diligence by your partner. Most of all, it takes a very deep sense of trust. There isn’t a one-size-fits all answer because you, like everyone else, are a product of the sum of your experiences, and those are distinctly unique to you.

That aforementioned trust can be about emotional connection. It can be about perceived skill set in your partner (I say perceived because while it definitely matters what they are capable of… it matters just as much that you believe they have what it takes). It can be a combination of several things… but at some level, you have to have someone pick the lock and figure out what gets you there. It may be (though not necessarily) a kink, a word/manner of speaking, a specific action or sensation.

So my best recommendation I guess is to not give up, but also to be open about your issue with a partner you feel you can trust enough to be *** with, and one that is willing to be that level of patient and diligent. But there is absolutely hope. If you can get there on your own, the problem is locked between your ears. That’s both good and hard news.


And along the way… enjoy the process of exploring. It can be fun exploration regardless of the outcum!

[BK****]

Next time your intimate try using a blind fold. Settle down and really feel but using your sense. Focus on the experience relive your mind of all other thoughts, live in the moment.

[Deleted Member]

You’re not broken — and what you’re describing is actually far more common than people admit.

 

A few important things to separate out first:

 

• The fact that you can reach orgasm alone tells us your body works.

This isn’t a mechanical failure or “damage.” It means the issue is almost certainly contextual rather than physical.

 

• Difficulty climaxing with a partner is often about safety, pressure, or attention — not attraction.

Many people enjoy intimacy, arousal, closeness, and pleasure but struggle with the final release when:

– they feel observed or evaluated

– there’s pressure to “perform” or reach a goal

– their nervous system doesn’t fully relax

– they don’t feel entirely emotionally safe, even if they trust the person

 

That doesn’t mean you don’t feel safe — just that your body may not feel safe enough to let go.

 

• The mind plays a bigger role than we like to admit.

Orgasm requires a certain degree of surrender. If part of your brain is monitoring, pleasing, worrying, or self-conscious, it can quietly block that last step — even when everything else feels good.

 

• The recent change (not even reaching orgasm via phone/video anymore) is a clue.

That suggests something has shifted internally — stress, emotional fatigue, pressure, disappointment, or even frustration about the situation itself. Sometimes the *** of “what if it doesn’t happen again?” becomes self-fulfilling.

 

A few gentle reframes that may help:

 

– Try removing orgasm as the “end goal” altogether. When it stops being a test to pass, it often returns naturally.

– Notice whether you feel more relaxed when you’re leading the experience versus being watched or guided.

– Pay attention to whether you feel emotionally held, not just sexually stimulated, when with others.

 

If this is something that causes distress rather than just curiosity, a sex-positive therapist or counsellor can be genuinely helpful — not because something is “wrong,” but because they’re trained to work with exactly this kind of mind-body disconnect.

 

Most importantly:

Your worth, desirability, and sexual identity are not defined by whether you climax with a partner. Pleasure doesn’t have to end in fireworks to be real, valid, or meaningful.

 

You’re not broken. Your body is communicating — and it’s worth listening to it with curiosity rather than judgement.

[Ge****]

10 hours ago, Gentlemandom47 said:

You’re not broken — and what you’re describing is actually far more common than people admit.

A few important things to separate out first:

• The fact that you can reach orgasm alone tells us your body works.

This isn’t a mechanical failure or “damage.” It means the issue is almost certainly contextual rather than physical.

• Difficulty climaxing with a partner is often about safety, pressure, or attention — not attraction.

Many people enjoy intimacy, arousal, closeness, and pleasure but struggle with the final release when:

– they feel observed or evaluated

– there’s pressure to “perform” or reach a goal

– their nervous system doesn’t fully relax

– they don’t feel entirely emotionally safe, even if they trust the person

That doesn’t mean you don’t feel safe — just that your body may not feel safe enough to let go.

• The mind plays a bigger role than we like to admit.

Orgasm requires a certain degree of surrender. If part of your brain is monitoring, pleasing, worrying, or self-conscious, it can quietly block that last step — even when everything else feels good.

• The recent change (not even reaching orgasm via phone/video anymore) is a clue.

That suggests something has shifted internally — stress, emotional fatigue, pressure, disappointment, or even frustration about the situation itself. Sometimes the *** of “what if it doesn’t happen again?” becomes self-fulfilling.

A few gentle reframes that may help:

– Try removing orgasm as the “end goal” altogether. When it stops being a test to pass, it often returns naturally.

– Notice whether you feel more relaxed when you’re leading the experience versus being watched or guided.

– Pay attention to whether you feel emotionally held, not just sexually stimulated, when with others.

If this is something that causes distress rather than just curiosity, a sex-positive therapist or counsellor can be genuinely helpful — not because something is “wrong,” but because they’re trained to work with exactly this kind of mind-body disconnect.

Most importantly:

Your worth, desirability, and sexual identity are not defined by whether you climax with a partner. Pleasure doesn’t have to end in fireworks to be real, valid, or meaningful.

You’re not broken. Your body is communicating — and it’s worth listening to it with curiosity rather than judgement.

Very well put!

[wb****]

22 hours ago, Gentlemandom47 said:

You’re not broken — and what you’re describing is actually far more common than people admit.

 

A few important things to separate out first:

 

• The fact that you can reach orgasm alone tells us your body works.

This isn’t a mechanical failure or “damage.” It means the issue is almost certainly contextual rather than physical.

 

• Difficulty climaxing with a partner is often about safety, pressure, or attention — not attraction.

Many people enjoy intimacy, arousal, closeness, and pleasure but struggle with the final release when:

– they feel observed or evaluated

– there’s pressure to “perform” or reach a goal

– their nervous system doesn’t fully relax

– they don’t feel entirely emotionally safe, even if they trust the person

 

That doesn’t mean you don’t feel safe — just that your body may not feel safe enough to let go.

 

• The mind plays a bigger role than we like to admit.

Orgasm requires a certain degree of surrender. If part of your brain is monitoring, pleasing, worrying, or self-conscious, it can quietly block that last step — even when everything else feels good.

 

• The recent change (not even reaching orgasm via phone/video anymore) is a clue.

That suggests something has shifted internally — stress, emotional fatigue, pressure, disappointment, or even frustration about the situation itself. Sometimes the *** of “what if it doesn’t happen again?” becomes self-fulfilling.

 

A few gentle reframes that may help:

 

– Try removing orgasm as the “end goal” altogether. When it stops being a test to pass, it often returns naturally.

– Notice whether you feel more relaxed when you’re leading the experience versus being watched or guided.

– Pay attention to whether you feel emotionally held, not just sexually stimulated, when with others.

 

If this is something that causes distress rather than just curiosity, a sex-positive therapist or counsellor can be genuinely helpful — not because something is “wrong,” but because they’re trained to work with exactly this kind of mind-body disconnect.

 

Most importantly:

Your worth, desirability, and sexual identity are not defined by whether you climax with a partner. Pleasure doesn’t have to end in fireworks to be real, valid, or meaningful.

 

You’re not broken. Your body is communicating — and it’s worth listening to it with curiosity rather than judgement.

Thank you, I appreciate you going through a lot of different aspects.

[Ha****]

Part is psychological you can feel comfortable with somebody physically but not mentally they have to be combined before you can actually let go and experience that with another person it's like a block or a lock put on your brain it's like somebody that can walk around naked down the middle of the street but gets edgy when somebody touches their sandwich the only way to get past it is it's really not actually think about it which is really hard cuz of course it's like telling somebody not to look down