Healthy Sub Coping Skills

[Deleted Member]

As someone who naturally falls into a submissive role (a role which depends on another person) when it comes to being ***, I often find myself struggling to have patience when a partner is not readily available.
The fact of the matter is, I’m not currently in a committed or monogamous relationship so I can’t expect a partner to always be available to respond to me or make me the priority.
Does anyone have suggestions for a sub struggling in this area?
I just don’t want to have unfair expectations for my partner(s). I also want to find healthy coping skills when I feel lonely because my needs are not immediately being met.

[Da****]

Use an AI companion or focus on Arts and Creativity during the times they're not available rather than bombarding them with more than two messages at a time when they've not responded.

[Cu****]

I don't know if it is, definitively, a sub thing. Denial of hedonistic pleasure is always frustrating and, even in committed and monogamous relationships, sometimes it happens.

Not an expert by any means, only going from lived experience, but sounds like a feature of ADHD - doing stuff just to get that yummy dopamine 🤤.
On the above basis there's:

- Medication, although your profile says you're already medicated. Hard to be specific without more details but maybe a conversation with the GP about impulse control.
- Exercise. This can suck, although there are those that love it, and it's not really an in-the-moment solution, but it can push those dopamine levers and just make things a bit easier generally.
- Balancing. No, seriously - just stand on one leg for a couple of minutes. Swap legs. Repeat. It's not particularly mainstream but there is a whole section of the internet that swears by it. And, for a cost of minutes worth a try.
- Alternative behaviours. I don't really know what your unhealthy coping behaviours are to suggest specific healthier alternatives. If, for the sake of example, you tend to rush off and have unprotected sex with strangers, just using protection would be one step healthier. I also don't know the precise nature of the sub itch you are trying to scratch - if you need to be physically restrained no amount of RP is going to do it for you.

Probably, not really what you wanted to hear. Sorry about that. If you care to share more details I can try to be more specific (possibly measurable, achievable, realistic and time bound too, if that's your jam).

[Mr****]

Literally. Never. Ever. Use an AI companion to fill any social or emotional need. That guy is a potato. Fuck that. Seek out community. Look for local events on FetLife.com

[Deleted Member]

This is something I very much needed, so thank you for bringing up this topic. Also thank you to everyone who responded with helpful tips 😊 💜

[jo****]

I’m sure there are a ton of people probably trying to message you that maybe are not paying for the app, people that are liking your posts/ people that are willing to fulfill ur needs but you’re not giving them the opportunity, and no I am not talking about me

[Ro****]

It would be easier with a long term because they could give you tasks between meets. But... one thing to try might be to think about how you can prepare yourself for a potential new Dominant. What could you practice or work on to improve? Things like learning new skills or your health, for example. Then set yourself goals and give these the importance of commands from a dominant.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, CurlyP said:

I don't know if it is, definitively, a sub thing. Denial of hedonistic pleasure is always frustrating and, even in committed and monogamous relationships, sometimes it happens.

Not an expert by any means, only going from lived experience, but sounds like a feature of ADHD - doing stuff just to get that yummy dopamine 🤤.
On the above basis there's:

- Medication, although your profile says you're already medicated. Hard to be specific without more details but maybe a conversation with the GP about impulse control.
- Exercise. This can suck, although there are those that love it, and it's not really an in-the-moment solution, but it can push those dopamine levers and just make things a bit easier generally.
- Balancing. No, seriously - just stand on one leg for a couple of minutes. Swap legs. Repeat. It's not particularly mainstream but there is a whole section of the internet that swears by it. And, for a cost of minutes worth a try.
- Alternative behaviours. I don't really know what your unhealthy coping behaviours are to suggest specific healthier alternatives. If, for the sake of example, you tend to rush off and have unprotected sex with strangers, just using protection would be one step healthier. I also don't know the precise nature of the sub itch you are trying to scratch - if you need to be physically restrained no amount of RP is going to do it for you.

Probably, not really what you wanted to hear. Sorry about that. If you care to share more details I can try to be more specific (possibly measurable, achievable, realistic and time bound too, if that's your jam).

I was cool until you apologised!! 😉❤️‍🩹 Your response is one of the best I've read in a minute; well-thought out, considerate, kind. Just reading this hit some notes for ME and I thank you [as a kinky NeuroWeirdo who struggles with such things.] 🔥🔥🔥

[Deleted Member]

What you’re describing is actually very common, and you’re already doing something healthy by questioning your expectations rather than acting on them.

A few things that may help:

First, it’s worth separating submission from dependency.

Submission is a chosen dynamic that happens with someone. Dependency is when your emotional regulation rests entirely on someone. When there isn’t a committed structure in place, it’s natural that gaps will feel louder - especially if connection is one of the ways you feel grounded.

Second, unmet needs don’t mean unreasonable needs - they just mean the container isn’t defined yet.

In non-monogamous or uncommitted dynamics, availability is often fluid. That doesn’t invalidate your feelings, but it does mean the solution isn’t “expect more,” it’s “build more support around yourself.”

Some practical coping strategies many subs find useful:

Creating self-soothing rituals that still feel connected your submissive identity (journaling, tasks, routines, body care, music, grounding exercises).

Having more than one source of emotional nourishment (friends, creative outlets, community spaces like forums).

Naming your needs internally before seeking them externally - sometimes the need is reassurance, sometimes structure, sometimes simply human contact

It can also help to communicate patterns rather demands. For example:

”I notice I struggle when I don’t hear back - I’m working on it, but wanted to know where my head goes sometimes.”

That invites understanding without pressure.

Finally, loneliness doesn’t mean you’re failing at being a sub. It usually means you’re someone who bonds deeply - which can be a strength in the right dynamic, with the right person, at the right pace.

You’re asking the right questions. That’s already a sign of emotional maturity and self awareness.

[Daddybrains]

Meditation and neuro-linguistic programming might help you to understand yourself as more than the sum of your desires. This will free up time that you can spend on developing yourself and the things that you will contribute to the relationship - the heart of service. That in turn will keep you busy, so you will have less time to spiral or frenzy.

[cr****]

It’s hard not getting what you want for ANYONE!🥹 I think it’s a real thing you’re going thru and how to “cope” is Sucha case by case thing. Can one feel subby online or with someone that can’t have that consistency?? I am learning that building my community and friends who just know who you are is a comforting thing cuz if you can’t have it then at least you can vent admit it with people who understand 🤘 the real thing might not be readily available but having a support system is a pleasant second place 🥰 but if you don’t have anyone to tell you; iiiiii think you’re being a very good and brave little girl and it’s nice that you’re even putting yourself out there and looking to improve🏆

[CJ_SilverQueen]

Google “The Submissive Guide” it’s a subscription but has lots of free things to check out first to see if it might work for you before you buy into the service (only like $5 a month). Lots of articles on relevant topics to learn from. Periodic newsletter. Online classes. Etc.. I have really enjoyed it. They even have a workbook of activities and they provide topics for self journaling so you can improve yourself or your skill set. The journaling can be considered a task and give you a specific point to focus on.

I have also started watching YouTube tutorials for self Shibari to feed some of my direct needs.
See if there is anything like that for some of your direct needs.

I have started taking better self care not only to make myself more attractive to a potential partner but also just for me. The exercise provides me some of the endorphin rush I miss and the routine helps keep me grounded. Skin care and hair care gives me the pampering I miss with aftercare.

When I hone my “non-sexual” skills that would please a partner like cooking I turn it towards me. With a partner I might focus on his tastes/preferences with his healthcare needs. I am now putting that energy towards mine but expanding the palette. Learning new flavors is fun and benefits me now and may benefit someone else later.

I am artistic so I routinely schedule myself “art time.” I go to a museum. Watch a YouTube or read an article on something of art interest to me. I will ***t or knit or sew something. This feeds my soul in a way nothing else does. No you can’t command creativity or schedule it, but having planned time to either indulge in activity or to or go see something an exhibit or performance, the act of making time for just appreciating art or music or whatever your interests are is indeed giving yourself a meaningful and for me a fulfilling task.

These are things that work for me. Maybe something in here will help you. Best of luck my fellow sub.

[CJ_SilverQueen]

***t is the censored word

[CJ_SilverQueen]

🙄 color either liquid medium is the definition since I can’t use the word

[ChocolateRopeBunny]

As cliche as it is going to sound, find a/some hobby(ies). While your submissive side is wanting to be seen/fulfilled a D-type can't do it all the time. You still need to be happy within yourself. If you have to journal your feelings, get a coloring or sketch book, go for a walk (as someone mentioned exercising), meditation, volunteering at a shelter, etc. just find something(s) that you enjoy and get immersed in it/them. That way when your D-type is available you have stories to tell them.