You changed me forever

January 14

I know that we now live on opposite sides of the world, but I keep thinking of you lately. It was around this time, 3 years ago that I met you and you changed my life forever. I know that sounds corny, so I will explain.

I’ve realised that for a whole decade prior, I was in a marriage empty of intimacy, care and love. It was completely one sided and I was taken for granted and used. Whereas, our time together was genuinely beautiful in a way that felt rare and un***d. Intimacy, love, friendship and playfulness that made every moment feel charged, exciting and alive. We supported each other through vulnerability and curiosity and created a space where trust could grow naturally and joy was shared. With you, I discovered my dominant side, not as control for its own sake, but as presence, intention, care and love. I watched you step more fully into your femininity and submissive energy with grace and confidence, choosing it rather than shrinking into it. What we had wasn’t just passion. It was connection, joy, growth and safety we found with each other that left a lasting imprint on me.

Since you've left, my life has been turned on its head. I've had to rebuild alone, but through time I have found my way back to who I truely am and completely embraced me. I feel like I’ve been reborn and in doing so, remembered who I once was. Through a long legal battle I’ve learned to stay steady for my kids. I've also discovered who I actually am when I stop performing and start choosing. Part of that awakening was owning my need for polarity, for leadership, for the quiet intensity of power exchange and the equal vulnerability that comes with it. You saw that in me early and you didn’t flinch. That mattered more than I could put into words at the time.

I also now know that I need to acknowledge that I hurt you. I was still married and new to ENM, trying to contain something that refused to be contained and I placed you in the role of secondary when my feelings for you had already crossed that line. Falling in love with you caught me off guard, it conflicted with my morals of marriage and scared the shit out of me. Instead of stepping fully into responsibility, I hesitated and stumbled. I didn’t have the capacity, nor understanding then to hold you with the care, presence and the love you deserve.

I’ve learned what it actually means to live my life with integrity, to take responsibility for desire, rather than hide behind structure and conformity. I’ve stopped doing what I think others would want me to do and instead I’m now being true to myself and leading with my heart.

If I were standing in front of you now, I would meet you directly, without confusion or half-measures. I want you to know that I see you, I honour what we shared those 3 years ago and I take responsibility for where I fell short.

I love you. I miss you, but hope, beyond hope that we will one day we meet again.