Help for a new Dom (dynamic changed after the sub went for a solo playdate)

[decadentdude]

The wife and I have been enjoying an active sex life for many years. We're swingers, and have begun to start exploring the power dynamic.

She is submissive, I am dominant. She loves praise and being dirty (e.g. she loves it when I praise her for being a good whore).

Recently she went away for 5 nights to NYC to visit an old friend, and on the last night she [with permission] played with a single male whom we've played with before.

It went well.

However.

She admitted to me that she feels as though she got the better half of the deal there. I was at home with the kids, she was out partying in NYC getting laid. This has led her to feel a little less submissive to me.

She mentions that because she was in charge of the sexual experience in NY (the male was a gentleman, as he should be), she's having a tough time accessing the willing sub again.

I had suggested: of course she got the good part of the deal, and that she should be grateful to me. And her gratitude should involve her doing [x, y, z].

She seemed to feel as though this was a good way of framing it, but I'd love to dissect this a bit with knowledgable folks.

I also worry about how much to involve her in me figuring out what to do about this. I worry that my inexperience might further impede my Dom persona in her eyes.

Please let me know thoughts/comments/tips/tricks/etc, thanks!

[Do****]

Alpha males do not share their woman this easily! You must own your woman!

[MsDrawers]

I can't speak to your dynamic, that's personal to you both, of course. As a submissive though, I will say that being dominant is about feeling comfortable in that role, rather than a matter of tonnes of experience. Is it possible she's pushing a little, to encourage you to flex? Might framing it that way allow you to devise a means of "training" her back in her place? Depends how you guys roll of course but it doesn't sound like she's suggesting she's in a more dominant headspace, just that she's not feeling so submissive because of recent developments. As if she's inviting you to take it back? I don't work that way at all so not my area but can you exert your authority while asking her? E.g. "you clearly need to be reminded who is in charge, is that right? And how might you best learn? (Cue presentation of whatever the fuck it is you want, within boundaries etc).

[GspotGuru]

The female mind is complex! As the DOM you are expected to know the puzzle of her submissive triggers already, as all submissives have triggers that stimulate their submissive nature and fires up their desires to submit and serve. The triggers can be a word, a command, a play scene and of course a flirtation or suggestive statement such as “you really need a hard spanking”. Triggers come in many varieties and variations as each women is unique, this is the base mental aspect of understanding your sub, her needs, desires and turn one and turn offs. She may just need some transition time or depending on the level of confusion or difficulty she may be experiencing in returning back to her former submissive role, she may just need to talk it out with u just hearing her feelings and accepting that it can be hard to switch between dynamics , play partners and scenes without some in depth understanding, communication and experience to get back on track of your primary relationship. Certainly any appearance of uncertainty on your part can be a buzz kill for your Dominant role! Best Wishes!

[Ne****]

Is it possible She hasn’t had that sort of room to explore in such a role prior or in that particular manner and now that’s more what She wants? At least wants to try Her hand at and explore further?
What is She IS a switch or decides She doesn’t want to submit right now to you to anyone?

[De****]

If it was me, which she is not, I would be wanting a reclaim of dominance. If I said that I should absolutely expect to ***d on me knees, hair pulled, and a dick stuffed in my mouth. However, that may not work in your dynamic. You can’t cross the boundaries of consent, so you need to decide what will work.

[De****]

57 minutes ago, DomDadLondon said:

Alpha males do not share their woman this easily! You must own your woman!

Sharing your sub does not make you less dominant. In fact it could be argued that it makes you more dominant. Confidence and security are a part of dominance and knowing your sub is still your even after hooking up with someone else is pretty dominant.

[Deleted Member]

She probably needs to be reclaimed. But only do so if this is part of your dynamic. If you are not totally sure check for consent. “Do you need me to show you who owns that pussy? Would you like me to show you how hard you can come? I think you need a lesson in proper behavior” gauge her reaction. Does she melt and cast her eyes down while nodding? Yes. Does she look at you with fire in her eyes? Also maybe yes. Does she laugh or give you a look of disgust? Time for an out of roles convo!

[toycaged]

if she feels more appreciated u should consider if there is some imbalance in ur way to use her. probably she's not into vanilla but then again she maybe felt she got back something that she doesn't get from u. ask her what she got back

[hrafnblod]

I agree with all thats been said by others. Id just add that it might be that she is either finding she has a bratty side, or, she has a latent D side.
If its the former, then follow the advice others have given.
If its the latter, it might be that she need to be able to express that from time to time ( thats like me). In my xp, a person can only ever really truly be a s OR A D in anothers eyes. Once that barrier has been crossed, its very diffixult to go back.
Imo, if you cede your D side, you will lose it. Theres no need to be nasty or domineering, but you need to maintain your Dominance in her eyes. You can still allow her to experience taking control, but she needs to know youre in control of that ( ofc, within the limits of your dynamic and your personalities)

[Ne****]

10 minutes ago, hrafnblod said:

I agree with all thats been said by others. Id just add that it might be that she is either finding she has a bratty side, or, she has a latent D side.
If its the former, then follow the advice others have given.
If its the latter, it might be that she need to be able to express that from time to time ( thats like me). In my xp, a person can only ever really truly be a s OR A D in anothers eyes. Once that barrier has been crossed, its very diffixult to go back.
Imo, if you cede your D side, you will lose it. Theres no need to be nasty or domineering, but you need to maintain your Dominance in her eyes. You can still allow her to experience taking control, but she needs to know youre in control of that ( ofc, within the limits of your dynamic and your personalities)

Meaning… perhaps She continues being sub to Him but maybe gets one or more subs of Her own?

[hrafnblod]

Then shed have, what id see, as a perfect scenario. And hopefully thatd also be a perfect scenario for yourself

[Lu****]

Interesting situation. I’m no expert here but the responses so far seem sensible and pretty much aligned.

[ey****]

one thing particularly about new dynamics is there will be a lot of trial and error, a lot of adapting and learning

Some stuff there's no "one size" solution for - but the two of you may have to revisit what works and what doesn't

On the concept of "who gets the better deal" well, dynamics should never be a oneupmanship situation or an attempt to game the system - and, ultimately, you as her Dominant used your authority to grant her permission to play with someone you both trust.  This is something you can put to her.

That it was a granted permission.

If this isn't something which puts things right - it might be worth talking to try to find out what might.  

[Me****]

Im thinking asking the question of: What makes you feel little? Or what makes you feel submissive? Could be productive if she wants to access that. there’s nothing wrong with wanting to explore ones switchiness, but if you both desire the D/s dynamic, creating a play scene where agreed upon punishment and show of your physical strength as the Dom could spark it back up. Sounds like she is maybe experiencing some shame about having an amazing time without you. Spank that shame out of her! And she will thank you for it?? (I would)

[toycaged]

I think the main thing a sub wants (my personal sub feel) is u are safe. sex is just the fun part

 

[Deleted Member]

I know just what i would do… thought about scenarios not far off this allot.

Id assert my dominance, hard. Fuck her like shes never been fucked before. Choking, bondage, step on her face while fucking her ass, Make sure she knows why im the dom. But those are things I do with my sub so gotta do your things.
That boys a plaything making sure your ranks alpha and he was simply a tool YOU used to pleasure her body which belongs to you (if that last bits your dynamic, if not i strongly recommend it)

In my mind id have goals:

Show her why youre the dom, give the 100% experience.

Completely envelop her with your domination, make it the entire world in that session so it feels like nothing else exists outside that session.

Own her. Own her body. Own the experience she had. Own the pleasure she had as your own. Tell her it pleased you that she so obediently went and did all of that.

Talk dirty and fuck her hard while making her talk about the sex she had FOR YOU.

Gotta take this advice though as my dynamic not being your dynamic, so you might need to tweak the wording.

[De****]

1 hour ago, UnicornFury said:

I know just what i would do… thought about scenarios not far off this allot.

Id assert my dominance, hard. Fuck her like shes never been fucked before. Choking, bondage, step on her face while fucking her ass, Make sure she knows why im the dom. But those are things I do with my sub so gotta do your things.
That boys a plaything making sure your ranks alpha and he was simply a tool YOU used to pleasure her body which belongs to you (if that last bits your dynamic, if not i strongly recommend it)

In my mind id have goals:

Show her why youre the dom, give the 100% experience.

Completely envelop her with your domination, make it the entire world in that session so it feels like nothing else exists outside that session.

Own her. Own her body. Own the experience she had. Own the pleasure she had as your own. Tell her it pleased you that she so obediently went and did all of that.

Talk dirty and fuck her hard while making her talk about the sex she had FOR YOU.

Gotta take this advice though as my dynamic not being your dynamic, so you might need to tweak the wording.

🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍😍😊😊😊