An**** Posted January 20 This is a topic a tend to turn over in my mind often. What is the diference to you between performing dominance/ submission and embodying it? Playing a role situationally in a scene versus that energy being a part of who you are. Extending into the way that you live your life in all aspects. I would be curious to see the way different people answer this question.
KnightOfCydonia Posted January 20 Really interesting question! For me, authenticity is key. Which I know is a bit of a vague answer, but I'll do my best to explain what I mean. To me, you agree a dynamic up front, and stick to it. People's needs and desires change over time, of course, and the dynamic naturally evolves alongside, but the core principle remains the same. One person sets the rules, the other follows. And for me, it's important that those rules are en***d, as that's the element that brings the authenticity. If I disobey, or fail to live up to my partner's expectations, then I should be punished however she sees fit, and - crucially - it has to be a punishment I dislike and very much wish to avoid again in future. Knowing there are real, unpleasant consequences for breaking the agreed-upon dynamic we both chose and both need is what shifts it from being performative and into a real, lived lifestyle choice. It's not a desire to be punished in a masochistic way, it's a need to be held accountable when it comes to living up to my end of the D/s relationship. Tangentially, I also think it's important - as the submissive partner in a dynamic - to make an active effort to reassure and rein*** your partner's authority and let them know you welcome their control and decision making, even when it might be unpleasant or uncomfortable in the moment (such as when being punished). Dominants are still human beings with feelings and empathy, and aren't immune to second guessing or feeling guilt. So I just feel it's part of my responsibility as her partner to ensure she knows that her authority is wanted and valued, even when it might be unpleasant in the short term for me, because overall it's the dynamic I need to be fulfilled.
Go**** Posted January 20 Oh, there is. As a dom, I notice: for a real sub, it's the attention to detail, the way they get excited even about nonsexual submission, and the eagerness to please and be chosen. The dynamic feels more about security for them than just mindless scenes of pleasure. The discipline they exert when they are being contained is just chef's kiss. A real sub to a dom scratches that spot in your mind of a surrendering and trust bond: like you really trust me like that ?
An**** Posted January 20 Author 13 minutes ago, Godessy said: Oh, there is. As a dom, I notice: for a real sub, it's the attention to detail, the way they get excited even about nonsexual submission, and the eagerness to please and be chosen. The dynamic feels more about security for them than just mindless scenes of pleasure. The discipline they exert when they are being contained is just chef's kiss. A real sub to a dom scratches that spot in your mind of a surrendering and trust bond: like you really trust me like that ? I agree with this whole heartedly. It is to me, much to do with a Fom creating a space safe enough that a sub surrenders willingly. Out of a desire to please rather than impress. To see them begin chopsing submission on their own without guidance. And as a Dom showing restraint, steadiness, and an ability to contain. Both sides share the emotional labor equally.
La**** Posted January 20 I will give my perspective how it feels as a dom bcs Godessy already gave insight about genuine sub. A natural dom would not see leading, dominating as a chore. Problem solving and guiding is just a nature for us. It’s just what we do like it’s breathing. No overthinking no nothing. It would be easy to assess a situation and condition that is fitting for both parties. Rather than it makes you (a sub) want to keep resisting, you will feel drawn to let go and submit bcs how easily it would make you feel safe and comfort. You will get clarity rather than doubt.
Odd-1086 Posted January 20 You may as well asked what's the difference between game play and lifestyle.
Go**** Posted January 20 1 hour ago, KnightOfCydonia said: Really interesting question! For me, authenticity is key. Which I know is a bit of a vague answer, but I'll do my best to explain what I mean. To me, you agree a dynamic up front, and stick to it. People's needs and desires change over time, of course, and the dynamic naturally evolves alongside, but the core principle remains the same. One person sets the rules, the other follows. And for me, it's important that those rules are en***d, as that's the element that brings the authenticity. If I disobey, or fail to live up to my partner's expectations, then I should be punished however she sees fit, and - crucially - it has to be a punishment I dislike and very much wish to avoid again in future. Knowing there are real, unpleasant consequences for breaking the agreed-upon dynamic we both chose and both need is what shifts it from being performative and into a real, lived lifestyle choice. It's not a desire to be punished in a masochistic way, it's a need to be held accountable when it comes to living up to my end of the D/s relationship. Tangentially, I also think it's important - as the submissive partner in a dynamic - to make an active effort to reassure and rein*** your partner's authority and let them know you welcome their control and decision making, even when it might be unpleasant or uncomfortable in the moment (such as when being punished). Dominants are still human beings with feelings and empathy, and aren't immune to second guessing or feeling guilt. So I just feel it's part of my responsibility as her partner to ensure she knows that her authority is wanted and valued, even when it might be unpleasant in the short term for me, because overall it's the dynamic I need to be fulfilled. Wow, that was beautiful. I wish all those performative subs who keep losing their way in my DM could read that
An**** Posted January 20 Author 3 minutes ago, Godessy said: Wow, that was beautiful. I wish all those performative subs who keep losing their way in my DM could read that Performative subs and performative doms. I think alot of what it comes down to is whether the need for validation and attention is stronger than a genuin desire for meaningful connection.
Go**** Posted January 20 13 minutes ago, Andrew_in_japan said: Performative subs and performative doms. I think alot of what it comes down to is whether the need for validation and attention is stronger than a genuin desire for meaningful connection. Yes, that's exactly it. My ***ve with performative subs, which often happens with men who are here for their personal reverse 50 Shades of Grey reenactment, is they tick me off by ordering me around: "Oh, I have been a bad boy; I am going to do xxx as punishment - litteraly them living their favorite kink"- It makes me laugh. I don't know; maybe I am doing something wrong to attract the wrong kind ,
An**** Posted January 20 Author 2 minutes ago, Godessy said: Yes, that's exactly it. My ***ve with performative subs, which often happens with men who are here for their personal reverse 50 Shades of Grey reenactment, is they tick me off by ordering me around: "Oh, I have been a bad boy; I am going to do xxx as punishment - litteraly them living their favorite kink"- It makes me laugh. I don't know; maybe I am doing something wrong to attract the wrong kind , They are just narrating their own jerk off material. Inviting a submissive to explain the way something makes her feel and reflect on it is much more powerful than imposing my fantasies on her or ***ting over her fantasies with my interpretation of them. Thats not dominance at all. Its self centered egoism.
Go**** Posted January 20 9 minutes ago, Andrew_in_japan said: They are just narrating their own jerk off material. Inviting a submissive to explain the way something makes her feel and reflect on it is much more powerful than imposing my fantasies on her or ***ting over her fantasies with my interpretation of them. Thats not dominance at all. Its self centered egoism. I hear you; hope you're getting better quality subs at your door with respectful ones that can adequately name the dynamic and their needs. On my side, the males are wild and often out of bounds and don't seem to quite grasp the dynamic for most (there are a few exceptions)... so we"ll see if I find more gold than gunk here (I am new to this website). Thanks for opening the discussion.
An**** Posted January 20 Author 2 minutes ago, Godessy said: I hear you; hope you're getting better quality subs at your door with respectful ones that can adequately name the dynamic and their needs. On my side, the males are wild and often out of bounds and don't seem to quite grasp the dynamic for most (there are a few exceptions)... so we"ll see if I find more gold than gunk here (I am new to this website). Thanks for opening the discussion. Absolutely. I appreciate your reflections. Thank you for chopping it up a bit.
wb**** Posted January 20 When I started this journey I was put in the sub position (I have since realized yep that’s me). I was good with it in the bedroom (to a point) but when he wanted it 24/7 I was not ok with it. (He ended up being a very not good individual) Now it’s what I crave, need, want. With the guy who got me where I’m at I never felt safe to even half way submit ever. However now I found someone I feel safe with, seen, heard, cared for & about and respected I want nothing more than to be fully his. I want nothing more than to know he is happy, feels safe, seen, heard, care for & about and respect. Kind of like what KightofCydonia said it is about being able to be who I really am. You, Godessy & Lady_King all mentioned performative subs, I agree they’re probably just looking for attention or to fulfill some fantasy. The same can be said for the fake dom’s, the (in my experience) guys who seem to see “sub” and automatically assume easy piece. Unfortunately there seem to be 20 little d dom’s for every 1 actually Dom. At least here in my area, I hope it’s not like this everywhere but I’m sure it is. In my opinion the biggest difference between performance and embodiment comes down to one things; being honest with yourself, about who you are and what you actually want.
An**** Posted January 20 Author 18 minutes ago, wbl51265 said: When I started this journey I was put in the sub position (I have since realized yep that’s me). I was good with it in the bedroom (to a point) but when he wanted it 24/7 I was not ok with it. (He ended up being a very not good individual) Now it’s what I crave, need, want. With the guy who got me where I’m at I never felt safe to even half way submit ever. However now I found someone I feel safe with, seen, heard, cared for & about and respected I want nothing more than to be fully his. I want nothing more than to know he is happy, feels safe, seen, heard, care for & about and respect. Kind of like what KightofCydonia said it is about being able to be who I really am. You, Godessy & Lady_King all mentioned performative subs, I agree they’re probably just looking for attention or to fulfill some fantasy. The same can be said for the fake dom’s, the (in my experience) guys who seem to see “sub” and automatically assume easy piece. Unfortunately there seem to be 20 little d dom’s for every 1 actually Dom. At least here in my area, I hope it’s not like this everywhere but I’m sure it is. In my opinion the biggest difference between performance and embodiment comes down to one things; being honest with yourself, about who you are and what you actually want. This is really beautiful and i love that for you. I think it can be hard to tell at times how deeply a dominant or submissive nature is apart of any of us until we are relationally invested in a bond with someone in a way that allows expressing those qualities of ourselves to feel safe. That being said, I also feel like womce you have experienced the real deal one time, it sets an undenialble standard that imprints on us on a psychological, even spiritual level.
Ne**** Posted January 20 I may indulge on rare occasion in the performative, a scene, novelty, new partner(s) and I vibing and just having a go because. Otherwise, this is one of the most annoying aspects of this lifestyle. I am a Cosplayer, Creative, highly imaginative, sometimes visually thrilled person, who can also appreciate Ritual. However, pretending to be [D/s etc], playing at being such, hooking up like you've walked onto a film set, are method (total bs btw) and are suddenly expected everyone to accept/give you the command as if you actually ARE said person and not merely adopting a role for a few hours, And expecting others to automatically fall into roles of being whatever counterparts You Think Yours deserves is absurd to me. I don't PLAY. I even try to not refer to interactions as scenes or as "play" for these reasons. I am also not 24/7 "in the lifestyle," though, by mental, philosophical, emotional, spiritual criteria that notion may apply. It isn't a lifestyle that I adopted. Rather, it simply is and is so because I know myself well enough to know that while I may have silly fun here and there within these arenas, I don't play. I am simply Me.
An**** Posted January 20 Author 10 minutes ago, NexumSange said: I may indulge on rare occasion in the performative, a scene, novelty, new partner(s) and I vibing and just having a go because. Otherwise, this is one of the most annoying aspects of this lifestyle. I am a Cosplayer, Creative, highly imaginative, sometimes visually thrilled person, who can also appreciate Ritual. However, pretending to be [D/s etc], playing at being such, hooking up like you've walked onto a film set, are method (total bs btw) and are suddenly expected everyone to accept/give you the command as if you actually ARE said person and not merely adopting a role for a few hours, And expecting others to automatically fall into roles of being whatever counterparts You Think Yours deserves is absurd to me. I don't PLAY. I even try to not refer to interactions as scenes or as "play" for these reasons. I am also not 24/7 "in the lifestyle," though, by mental, philosophical, emotional, spiritual criteria that notion may apply. It isn't a lifestyle that I adopted. Rather, it simply is and is so because I know myself well enough to know that while I may have silly fun here and there within these arenas, I don't play. I am simply Me. I feel this absolutely as well. There is nothing wrong with performance or roleplay. It makes things interesting and exciting. But when it masquerades as identity in dynamics involving deep trust and identity level surrender or ownership, its not only disingenuous, it becomes potentially harmful. Posturing to create or elicit a desired effect instead of building a foundation of trust and security.
Gentlemandom47 Posted January 20 For me, the difference is where the power lives. Performing dominance or submission is situational. It’s something you do for a defined period of time, often within a scene, with a clear start and end. It can be a skilful, consensual, even deeply enjoyable - but contained. You step into it, you step out of it, and the rest of your life remains largely unchanged. Embodying it is different. That’s when the dynamic isn’t switched on by a scene, but expressed through presence, consistency, and how you relate to people and responsibility more broadly. Embodied dominance, to me, isn’t about constant control or intensity. It shows up as steadiness, discernment, and an ability to hold space - especially when things are quiet, uncertain, or emotionally charged. It’s how someone listens, sets boundaries, manages themselves, and takes responsibility for the impact they have on others. Scenes then become an extension of that, not a performance layered on top. The same applies to submission. Performed submission can be about behaviour: kneeling, obedience, ritual. Embodied submission is about trust, attunement, and the ability to yield without disappearing. It’s a way of relating - choosing to place yourself in someone else’s care while remaining whole and self-aware. Neither is “better” in an absolute sense. Some people enjoy role-based play and have no desire for it to bleed into the rest of their lives, and that’s completely valid. But when people talk past each other in kink spaces, I often think this is the mismatch underneath: one person is performing, the other is embodying. Problems arise when someone performs dominance without the emotional maturity to hold it - or when someone performs submission hoping it will turn into being seen, contained, or cared for. For me, the most satisfying dynamics are the ones where scenes feel almost secondary - because the power exchange is already present in how we show up for each other when nothing “kinky” is happening at all. That’s the difference.
An**** Posted January 20 Author 8 minutes ago, Gentlemandom47 said: For me, the difference is where the power lives. Performing dominance or submission is situational. It’s something you do for a defined period of time, often within a scene, with a clear start and end. It can be a skilful, consensual, even deeply enjoyable - but contained. You step into it, you step out of it, and the rest of your life remains largely unchanged. Embodying it is different. That’s when the dynamic isn’t switched on by a scene, but expressed through presence, consistency, and how you relate to people and responsibility more broadly. Embodied dominance, to me, isn’t about constant control or intensity. It shows up as steadiness, discernment, and an ability to hold space - especially when things are quiet, uncertain, or emotionally charged. It’s how someone listens, sets boundaries, manages themselves, and takes responsibility for the impact they have on others. Scenes then become an extension of that, not a performance layered on top. The same applies to submission. Performed submission can be about behaviour: kneeling, obedience, ritual. Embodied submission is about trust, attunement, and the ability to yield without disappearing. It’s a way of relating - choosing to place yourself in someone else’s care while remaining whole and self-aware. Neither is “better” in an absolute sense. Some people enjoy role-based play and have no desire for it to bleed into the rest of their lives, and that’s completely valid. But when people talk past each other in kink spaces, I often think this is the mismatch underneath: one person is performing, the other is embodying. Problems arise when someone performs dominance without the emotional maturity to hold it - or when someone performs submission hoping it will turn into being seen, contained, or cared for. For me, the most satisfying dynamics are the ones where scenes feel almost secondary - because the power exchange is already present in how we show up for each other when nothing “kinky” is happening at all. That’s the difference. This is a great response to the base question. And i couldnt agree with you more in every regard. At the core more than anything it boils down to knowing yourself. Neither performance or embodiment is good or bad. Right or wrong. But power exchange handled clumsily is really just lack of responsibility, accountability, and emotional maturity. Very well said🙌
se**** Posted January 20 I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with performance.Dominance is also nothing wrong with occasional dominance.Switching or anything like that For me the natural form of who I am to always take lead But it's important to also differentiate physical *** dominance or *** Separate from the ability to hold power has given to the dom who knows emotional and mental dominance Boys know physical , it's traditionally only the adults that understand the mind comes first
Bu**** Posted January 20 For me my true submission comes from a sacred place. I can kneel for anyone but that would be performative. When trust and even love and adoration are involved my submission is out of respect, love and deep devotion. This is why I am a slow burn, my submission is woven into my being and I save this for a meaningful connection.
Odd-1086 Posted January 20 7 hours ago, Godessy said: Yes, that's exactly it. My ***ve with performative subs, which often happens with men who are here for their personal reverse 50 Shades of Grey reenactment, is they tick me off by ordering me around: "Oh, I have been a bad boy; I am going to do xxx as punishment - litteraly them living their favorite kink"- It makes me laugh. I don't know; maybe I am doing something wrong to attract the wrong kind , It seems that your expecting everything for nothing. If your not engaging and doing your part in the relationship, then the sub won't feel wanted and won't want to emerce themselves into their role. Submitting voluntarily doesn't let the dim off the hook,rather, makes the dom responsible for the subs actions. Schedules, rules, protocols and procedures, stop micromanaging, and gives the sub the structure it needs to remain in subspace with little effort from the dom once the dom has decided how they want their life be and to look like. For instance, Sub is to be up naked and serving the doms cofffe at 6.00am. Coffee, white two sugars medium strength Upon waking, some sort of gratitude that makes its dom want to dominate during the day. Once coffee is served the sub gathers the Dom's clothes for the day and lays them out. Dom goes and makes breakfast for its dom. Dom kneels beside its dom while the dom eats and continplates what specifics are required for that day on top.if what's on the schedule. The schedule guides the actions of the dub without the need for daily instruction. The structure is what allows the dom to not have to micro manage and allow both of them to get what they need out of the relationship. This is the Dom's job, a sub is not allowed to persume. Anticipation then becomes the hall mark of a sub who believes their efforts are being pleasing to its dom.
Odd-1086 Posted January 20 A sub only instructs its dom, when the dom isn't engaging with the dynamic. It's a sign that the sub isn't happy with yhe way it's going.
Ne**** Posted January 20 1 hour ago, ButterflyAngel11 said: For me my true submission comes from a sacred place. I can kneel for anyone but that would be performative. When trust and even love and adoration are involved my submission is out of respect, love and deep devotion. This is why I am a slow burn, my submission is woven into my being and I save this for a meaningful connection. Exquisitely expressed. 🏵
Th**** Posted January 20 I want to be submissive and yes I can definitely perform/ pretend pretty well, but it I can’t trust anyone to take care of me. That’s from my survival experience, unhealthy I think. Pretty much a street cat, if someone wants to adopt it, they have to perform a stable caring role. The most sweet submission comes from love and trust.
Odd-1086 Posted January 20 7 hours ago, Andrew_in_japan said: Absolutely. I appreciate your reflections. Thank you for chopping it up a bit. I'm sorry to say this, but as a sub, you and Andrew sound like you are lazy Dom's who think that the dynamic means that you don't have to take the responsibility for the dynamic. A bratty sub is one that's trying to find out if you're paying attention or not and if you're willing to en*** your needs over theirs. I've only met one women who was sadistic enough to en*** her will. But then she wouldn't commit to the relationship. Without both of these things you may as well be vanilla. I'm not saying this to be abusive, just pointing out that a sub is not a sub until it submits and commits to the relationship and a dom is not a dom unless they commit and en*** what they want from their sub. As a sub I have ask a potential dom to write an essay on what a sub gets from the dynamic. Most of the time the dom says that it's not my place, but the true Dom's can answer this with little effort. Separates the wanna bes from legitimate doms
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