Need perspective from other subs

[Be****]

I've been talking to a Dom for a few weeks. It started great but now it feels strained. Like he has lost interest and doesn't really care to continue or grow the dynamic but won't come out and say so. But I also know I have a lot of history with anxious attachment and could be reading it wrong. But it feels like he is fucking with my head which has got me feeling all kinds of backwards. What used to be good conversation and connection, reasonably quick responses that appeased my submissive need for attention and praises for being good and following through on tasks....... has turned into delayed responses, minimal conversation, no specific tasks given and no reward or punishment for not following through.
This all happened really quick though which makes me think it could just be me. Two weeks of good dynamic and making me feel alive, then 10 days of making me feel like I'm not important. I did talk to him about it and he didn't make me feel unheard, he validated my feelings etc. But I feel like it didn't really change anything.
And I can see it and point out the fucked up problems and potential red flags with it, but I can't stop the way my stomach flips and and the sub voice in my head whimpers when his name flashes across my screen. He is very DOM and the sub side of me craves it so fucking much. But it feels like he is toying with me and it's making my depression really bad.

If you made it this far, any advice? Is this a normal give and take with the dom/sub dynamic and I should be patient? Is it normal to attach to a dom so quickly and feel so perfect when you get that attention and then so shitty when you dont?

[Ch****]

Trust your gut feelings.

[D_****]

5 minutes ago, Chase***615 said:

Trust your gut feelings.

This always trust your gut

[Ta****]

Only based on what you have said he could have avoidance issues with himself which will feed into your attachment issues, which isnt good for you, your mental & emotional health.
Trust yourself, you know you better than anyone & dont be afraid to reach out if you need to.

[mi****]

It's been a few weeks. If you told him and he actually heard you like you said and nothing changed then end it. He isn't a safe person if he is making you feel like this. Maybe your stomach is actually flipping out and telling you to end. You see the flags, they don't go away. And you taking the step and walking away will help you with your anxious attachment. You have the power. The worst thing any sub can do is think they don't have power. We have all the power.
Please don't wait till you're months in and more flags have popped up

[Ka****]

I’ve had the same thing happen time and again.,I don’t think this is how it is supposed to be. It would be extremely wonderful in the beginning. Constant attention. Then out of the blue they tell you they are incredibly enamored of you. Or that they even feel like they love you. You let yourself believe their words and jump through all their hoops and tacks proving you are that good girl they call you. You open up and share you dreams and deepest desires. You get used to the good mornings and good nights. The phone calls or voice messages in between. You go against your better judgment and agree to move to a different communication method than here. Then you agree to meet. You have a wonderful meet and believe they could be the Dominant you’ve searched for. Only to find they start pulling away. The good morning texts are forgotten or come after lunch with a “I’ve been very busy”, the good night texts stop coming because they accidentally fell asleep.
In my opinion most of the men here are after the thrill of the chase. Once they catch you the adrenaline lessens and they no longer feel the all consuming need to make you theirs.
This has happened to me even with someone that has claimed to love me. Now I am very explicit about not letting anyone to close. I don’t trust any man. Nor do I chase after a man when he starts pulling away.,I only make friends and I don’t fall for the adrenaline inspired “love”. Nope, I will be content in the dynamic I have. I will stay where I am and be grateful that I have Him. And when he goes through his silent times I will let him have his space. I will not chase him. I will try to have more respect for myself and know I deserve better than this.

[Be****]

10 minutes ago, aligurl80 said:

I’ve had the same thing happen time and again.,I don’t think this is how it is supposed to be. It would be extremely wonderful in the beginning. Constant attention. Then out of the blue they tell you they are incredibly enamored of you. Or that they even feel like they love you. You let yourself believe their words and jump through all their hoops and tacks proving you are that good girl they call you. You open up and share you dreams and deepest desires. You get used to the good mornings and good nights. The phone calls or voice messages in between. You go against your better judgment and agree to move to a different communication method than here. Then you agree to meet. You have a wonderful meet and believe they could be the Dominant you’ve searched for. Only to find they start pulling away. The good morning texts are forgotten or come after lunch with a “I’ve been very busy”, the good night texts stop coming because they accidentally fell asleep.
In my opinion most of the men here are after the thrill of the chase. Once they catch you the adrenaline lessens and they no longer feel the all consuming need to make you theirs.
This has happened to me even with someone that has claimed to love me. Now I am very explicit about not letting anyone to close. I don’t trust any man. Nor do I chase after a man when he starts pulling away.,I only make friends and I don’t fall for the adrenaline inspired “love”. Nope, I will be content in the dynamic I have. I will stay where I am and be grateful that I have Him. And when he goes through his silent times I will let him have his space. I will not chase him. I will try to have more respect for myself and know I deserve better than this.

This sounds very familiar, and that really sucks 😔. Glad you have the dynamic you do have!

[Gracen]

Sounds like insecure/disorganized attachment on your part, which I get bc I am currently doing a lot of f*cking work to change my own attachment style which is just that. All this is said with care and respect for you. Don’t base how you feel on what type of attention you are getting/or not getting from anyone else. Work on forming a secure attachment with your own self. Don’t give your power away 💝

[ch****]

I'm not a sub, but I know of a very knowledgeable woman in the life style that would be a very good voice of reason for you and in person. If you want me to introduce you shot me a message.

[ja****]

Lame

[Ph****]

To be honest, you need to go with your gut feeling.If you're having to ask how you feel in a certain way , you already know the answer is time to move on. Don't
Let someone make you feel a certain way.
Reopen an honest and let the person know how you were feeling.If they can't respond with being concerned and willing to change , then it's time to move on.

[py****]

Dom here: sounds like he’s lost interest. He may be exploring other options and not being honest about his intentions towards you. You’ve only known him a few weeks, are you really attracted to him personally or is it just your desire for dominance?

[Be****]

15 minutes ago, pyracanthus3141 said:

Dom here: sounds like he’s lost interest. He may be exploring other options and not being honest about his intentions towards you. You’ve only known him a few weeks, are you really attracted to him personally or is it just your desire for dominance?

Completely honest, it could be either one. I was originally looking for just a dom/sub friends and bedroom only type relationship and even told him he was welcome to keep looking for a sub that could give him the 24/7 like he was looking for. I can't do that right now as a single mom, even though I'd like to get to that point eventually when my kids are older.
We clicked right away and almost instantly the dynamic changed to more of a caregiver /daddy dom type I think (I'm still new to all of this and might not have the terminology right). Giving me tasks to do, things important to my over all health, reminding me to eat and drink, to journal at night before bed to help my depression..... praising me when I did good and punishing me when I did bad (he had me whip myself when I disobeyed which worked for me as im a bit of a masochist and need the *** too).
He is the one that started talking about more and long term. It seems like when I agreed to the new terms, he stopped being as responsive. At least that's how it looks and feela to me.

I do have a history of anxious/reactive attachment and getting attached quickly. I am extremely submissive, crave dominance and people pleasing. It could just be the dominance I'm missing

[Ra****]

Your gut is telling you everything you need to know. Perhaps explore in therapy so that you can soften that baseline anxiety. Within that work, you’ll find your worth. This really is about if he / the dynamic is serving you and they are not. It’s a very rough ride and it’s understandable that you’re having all the feels. 🫂

[ey****]

Sometimes things fizzle. It may well be nothing either you or he have done wrong, just after the first couple of weeks it's not become a struggle and probably isn't going to work.   It's worth a conversation if you both actually want to continue this, and part amicibly if not.

[An****]

In my opinion, your gut feeling is generally on point. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. A very high possibility that he's exploring other options or maybe have found one.

[Hezzair]

I think you are right to go with your gut on this as well. Move on.

[Gi****]

As a fellow sub I have experienced almost exactly the same treatment. At first I thought it was part of our budding dynamic, but in reality she had just lost interest. She said she felt that I was going to be emotional or depressed over the rejection, but it was the feeling of being tolerated, but not the way a sub feels purposed and blessed to serve, but more like everything we expressed to each other meant nothing.

[Be****]

6 minutes ago, GimpinAintEasy said:

As a fellow sub I have experienced almost exactly the same treatment. At first I thought it was part of our budding dynamic, but in reality she had just lost interest. She said she felt that I was going to be emotional or depressed over the rejection, but it was the feeling of being tolerated, but not the way a sub feels purposed and blessed to serve, but more like everything we expressed to each other meant nothing.

Yes! That's a great explanation. I don't want to be a burden to tolerate. I want a dom that desires to help me and tend to me, and by doing so, makes me desire to please and submit.

[st****]

I recognise this pattern, and in my case it was an indicator of a loss of interest but in true Dom fashion, he maintained control of the narrative right until the very end.

Be careful of hollow validations and assuages. If you want clarity, you need to pry it from him. Make it a non-negotiable.

I’m not sure what your conversation included when you brought it up, but in practice this would look like reframing your concerns into critical touch points.

So, instead of saying “I’m feeling anxious about the changes i’ve noticed” (example) you can say “i need you to help me address the anxiousness i’m feeling”. Reframe the concern into something that is necessary for you in a dynamic - he should be leading. This rightfully places the onus on him and not on you. Your Dom is meant to provide a safe space not a confusing one.

[di****]

My Dom is sometimes distant. Sometimes it’s non-stop contact all day. His view on the lack of communication was to remind me that I am owned. That we are not friends, we are not dating, and I have no say in anything beyond what was negotiated in our contract. He did tell me that sometimes he will communicate less. This bothered me at first. But I realized he has a life beyond planning scenes and catering to my insecurities. Would I like his attention 24/7? That is too much like a relationship and it is exhausting to be on call constantly. When it first started and was new yes but now I like to just wait for him to miss me. And he does eventually but in the meantime I try to be the perfect sub. I’m on the forums learning constantly. I suppose communication is absolutely the key to a great Dom/s relationship. If he isn’t interested anymore then move on. But it could just be something is going on in his personal life.

[da****]

Coming from someone with zero kink experience but enough general life experience to understand you're likely not gonna get anything more from this situation than trust issues and extra baggage to lug around. You've already done the work of acknowledging and saying the hard part out loud. You don't need any of us to tell you what you already know your next step should be. I hope you choose to protect your peace and remember your worth but don't beat yourself up for being human 🫶🏽

[no****]

You’ve become an afterthought, not cool but it is what it is.

[Deleted Member]

I’m neurodivergent, and it’s not until I realized how that plays into my anxious tendencies that I’ve been able to sort of redefine what consistency means from another person.

I feel like the biggest problem in searching for a man who I can trust to lead boils down to an overall lack of self awareness in people in general. When someone is confident enough in who they are as an individual, they seem to “show up” more consistently, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re consistently doing the same things like checking in, sending good morning messages, etc.

Many neurodivergent people are drawn to the structure and protocols of a dynamic, but I’m not interested in, nor do I have the time to invest in a dynamic that is so strict that I rely on those to thrive in it and outside of it as an individual.

My experience with men for the most part is that they tend to show a ton of interest early on and as their interest wanes, so does their effort. I don’t think it’s a problem that they need to work on, but it just seems to be something that’s easier to accept is a fundamental difference between the way men and women approach relationships.

My advice is to sit back and think about the type of structure, routines, and consistency you feel like you need to keep your anxiety at a manageable level in a dynamic so that you can be up front and confident about asking for it early on.

There are some doms who are willing and have the motivation to engage in daily protocols or assign tasks regularly, but it can be a lot of work for both people sometimes. Finding a way to compromise on something that works for both of you is something that requires communication.

As a submissive, there is usually the assumption that we need more guidance and attention or be explicitly told what to do. The key is understanding where your needs come from otherwise a dom can spending time and energy creating routines and protocols that based on the assumption that they know what you need or want. It’s not being “difficult” by communicating what you really need or want. You just have to be able to accept that not everyone will be willing or able to meet those needs.

A good d/s dynamic involves a minimal amount of co-regulation because it involves two individuals who are capable of regulating their emotions independently for the most part. So understanding the things that trigger your anxiety, which I think are fairly common in most women, is something that is absolutely worth taking the time to think about on your own so that it’s less likely that you’re depending on the other person to feel responsible for keeping your nervous system regulated.