Limits (or lack thereof)

[de****]

Definitely

[Ne****]

A lot of it is the last option. People are lazy, and most don't bother to fully even fill out a profile, let alone list all their wants, needs desires, and kinks. Let alone their limits. Many are under educated or un educated in the lifestyle/seen and really don't know what to put out there. Most just want a quick fuck or a no stings attached hook up / repeated hook ups with out care or worry for there sexual health or the sexual health of others. They just want. They don't bother to build and seek what is a connection between themselves and another person, witch is sad really, because while I like getting what I want out of life id rather have a connection and trust, then a quick thing that could leave you with well something that may or may not be able to be rid of. STDS STIS, or if you're a woman, let's face it, protection can fail, and pregnancy can happen, and if you're not already prepared for all those situations should you really be hooking up so casually? I feel like Bdsm for those who like being well a slut or slutty or if I may say it a whore or whorish and thats fine when done in a manner that is controlled . But unless you are able to be in Control of that type of a dynamic well I wouldn't suggest jumping into the deep end without a game plan. Most just in my 2 cents just crave the unobtanable the I want this give it to me or else type mentality. Passion ,desires time, effort, love, connection, safety those those should all matter, and if you want to find what you're looking for, you will In Time. But you gata put in the work the prep ect to make it happen casual is fun, but I prefer casual with a heavy dose of familiarity and trust as well as a connection involved but thats just me.
Anyway, that's my wall of text 2 cents worth or thoughts for the moment, I could converse on subjects like these for hours with people in person because it's nice to just enjoy an adult conversation so if you want to here my opinion/more from me on this or any subject let me know. Have fun, be safe, my kinky darlings.

[TH****]

I feel like the red flags in general are enormous through most people. If I had a choice I would have never had media romanticize a Dom relationship. Being a great one isn't romantic on camera. And genuinely has nothing to do with how hard-core you are and what you brag you can do. It would be boring on camera as it takes ample amounts of communication and trust in your partner to form what your dynamic will be cause absolutely every single one should be lightly different. I think leaving blanks on your boundaries truly means you haven't taken yourself seriously and just wanna get off with the power trip you may get.

[ra****]

Yes

[Bi****]

4 hours ago, Curiously_Exploring said:

I avoid interacting with anyone, regardless of role, who states that they have no limits.
To me, it shows complete immaturity and irresponsibility.
I'm at the start of my personal journey exploring kinks, but for decades I've had friends who have been actively involved in the lifestyle. I have always been aware that kinks are about consent, and understanding your boundaries.
Before I even joined this site or any others, I had already "done my homework", developing a strong understanding of my hard and soft limits so that I won't put myself in any situations that could be emotionally or physically dangerous. I would expect the same from anyone that I engage with.

Strong opinions for someone brand new to the LS.

You are free to do what you like. But the idea that you can “do your homework” and actually think you’ve got a “strong understanding of [your] hard and soft limits” is pretty naive. I did my homework, my reading, my research, and a whole lot of talking with kinksters & other curious explorers. I took multiple kink tests, created lists, etc. If I were to take a look at so the things I either wasn’t interested in trying at the time, or was firmly opposed to, most of them would be things I am super into now. The rest would be things I may not seem to do myself, but I would more than happily do with a partner if they were into it. An ever-shrinking few, I still haven’t tried yet, but I’m willing to if the opportunity presents itself. Maybe one of them will become a limit for me. The idea that you know anything about your limits just BEFORE beginning to practice this lifestyle is something I’ve only ever heard complete newbies say.

“…but for the kids I’ve had friends who have been actively involved in the lifestyle. I have always been aware that kinks are about consent, and understanding your boundaries.” Not having identified any limits for yourself in no way negates consent or boundaries. My limits are FOR ME—not having identified any limits if my own (yet) in no way suggests that I’m not going to respect yours. Not, for that matter, does it mean I don’t understand me boundaries. How do you know what I’ve tried? How do what I’ve considered? How do you know how much thought I’ve put into it? I may simply be way more open to a lot more experiences than you; I may also have done my due diligence, and not found any limits among the experiences I’ve had and those I’ve considered, yet one day comes across something I’d never considered or been exposed to before, and identify a limit for the first time. And that’s fine, you know why? Because my boundaries include having clear, specific, open conversations before playing; revisiting that conversation before introducing something new; being very clear before play begins about how any new experiences will be approached; maintaining clear & open communication throughout; and being clear on what out safe words/signals are, and what is expected to happen if either of us uses them. If you think doing some homework and making a list makes you safer than all this, I think you have a lot to learn. If you think I’m not able to play safely using all the above, because I don’t have a list like ties, I think you have a lot to learn.

“… so that I won’t ever put myself in any situations that could be emotionally or physically dangerous.” This is either disingenuous, or reflects I need for better understanding. The implication here is that people who don’t list their limits, or who maybe don’t fully know all their limits beforehand, will be unsafe going into new interactions, relationships, etc. But you’re missing some pretty crucial steps. They most important is that new play partners should have a conversation before they play—about what they’re looking for out of this interaction or relationship, what they need to feel safe, what dynamics they want to explore, what they have experience with, what they haven’t experienced yet but might want to explore together, what their limits and boundaries are, and how they’re going to communicate with each other if/when they get too close to one if those limits, it discovers a new limit they didn’t realize they had. That should include a discussion of safe words/signals, and the expected response when those safe words/signals are used. For example, many use traffic light colors, where yellow might mean I’m starting to become uncomfortable and to ease off/not push (much) farther, and red means stop right tf now. It’s very common for these conversations to bring up things you haven’t considered before, giving you the chance to identify a new limit, choose whether you want to explore it, etc.

The idea that you’re only safe if you’ve completely predetermined your list of limits & boundaries only holds up if you assume this conversation isn’t happening—because if it dies hair, you have every opportunity to define those limits at that time, and in fact, your expected up. If your premade list of limits is the only thing keeping you safe, you’re doing it wrong.

[he****]

I think it's funny that people worry about that, I have found this site is allllll talk no action, I have more luck on Facebook for crying out loud, this site is a bunch of talk, it's really weird

[Bi****]

5 hours ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

Yes, I tend to avoid anyone who actually states that they don’t have any limits. For all of the reasons you’ve listed, but also I’ve found that those that do this never match my own criteria of the type of person I get along with.

Limits and boundaries involve discussions, not assumptions that you’ll do things just because you’ve not listed them as such.

Of course there will always be things you’ve not thought of yet, and the list could go on infinitely, but anyone that actually believes those will be the only limits and can twist them to fit their agenda, is absolutely NOT the person I want to be involved in.

I don’t get those here assuming that the project who list on their profiles (which people fill out to all degrees of completeness) that they don’t have any limits, aren’t having discussions about limits and boundaries, and are making assumptions.

[Bi****]

5 hours ago, DomNox69 said:

All valid, and another layer I've noticed: some use "none" as a weird flex to signal "I'm the ultimate dom, I can handle anything." It's performative more than practical. Seasoned players know the opposite is true...listing thoughtful limits (and asking for yours) shows you understand risk, consent, and the mental side of power exchange. Blank means they're either clueless about the risks or pretending not to be.

Here too. Nothing about not listing limits on one’s profile, or even actively claiming to have none, implies that they haven’t been thoughtful about whether they have any limits, much less that they’re not going to ask for yours, or that they don’t “understand risk, consent, and the mental state of power exchange.” Just like listing their limits in that field doesn’t guarantee that they’ve considered everything, not that they’re going to ask for and respect your limits, etc.

[Bi****]

5 hours ago, TenInchDaddy-Chri said:

If it’s truly none, then red flag. But could be that they either didn’t put anything or assume it’s no limits towards the sub? Either way, everyone has limits even if they haven’t discovered any yet

You’re doing the same thing to them that mainstream vanilla normies do to you, you’ve just moved the goalposts further down—far enough to accommodate you, but not the person you’re judging.

“Everyone has limits even if they haven’t discovered them yet,” is an assumption, a judgment, and a requirement you’re placing on them, based in your experience and with zero understanding of their own experience, the same way normies make the assumption and judgment that anyone who engages in the things you do must have been ***d, be mentally ill, be immoral, worship Satan, etc., based in their experience and with zero understanding of your own. Just like the normies do to you, you’re saying, “The way you do it isn’t allowed, healthy, or valid, because it’s not the way I do it.”

[Ba****]

To be fair the doms limits can just be less relevant depending on how you do things

I mean you can ask for whatever you want, just because it’s not among some doms limits doesn’t mean you’ll get it
Most of the thing I don’t do have nothing to do with my limits, it’s mostly just things that didn’t interest me enough to learn

Surely we all agree that i as a dominant sadist and rigger i actually need to know if my partner is claustrophobic, nyctophobic or has a really strong general distaste for anal stimulation, preferably before she is tied, gagged, blindfolded and a 10 wonderful neu vibration settings for me to enjoy
Or a relevant example I’ve seen on some profiles here; i like knifes, I don’t like cutting people, if you disagree with either statement i really need to know before i draw one around you
On the other hand me not being into the idea of pegging isn’t something that would naturally come up until i bet my ass on something
Which i why i basically say in my limits section that it’s more a conversation topic and listed my two hardest limits as examples, the one above being the softer one of them
Apart from that it’ll be generalizations like i’m a sadist: I don’t enjoy ***, i’m a rigger: I don’t like being restricted, or the ever stunning and brave common evasive filler on this site: I don’t like involving life that can’t consent

Most of the time it’ll be your ass
Your potential partner needs to know your limits for your safety and your interests for fun, but you kind of need to look at their interests for safety and i’m not sure what practical use knowing their limits would give you in most cases

If I don’t want to do something i can usually just not do it
The benefit of being one usually supposed to be in control(and able to move^^)

[dr****]

Everyone has their limits and things that just turn them off. So limits and communication are important. Establishing clear boundaries and safe words are essential in a relationship 😈kink or 🙂vanilla.

I always implement to levels of safe words to know that the kinky activity:

Orange 🍊 so that we have reached the endurance or limit of the pleasure that can be extracted from the play at hand.

Red 🚨 as an all stop 🛑 safe word. Pleasure arousal and consent as been lost

[Si****]

Absolutely! Especially if they're younger.

[Bi****]

Last thing I’m going to say:

I think many of y’all are assuming everyone thinks exactly like you about this single field on a profile, and is answering it in the same way as you.

For example (to the person who said, “How do you feel about extreme ***? Ball-busting? Being branded? …”): I’m 100% dominant, I’m not interested in anything that puts me in a submissive position. So maybe YOU think I should put anything submissive in that field asking about limits. But there’s a separate area to indicate roles, just as there are areas where I can indicate my sexuality, what kind of interactions and/or relationships I’m looking for, and more. AND there’s even a place where I can use my words to say even more, if I want to, called a Profile. Why should I be expected to restate in this field, what I’ve already made clear in a different place? If I’ve indicated that I’m strictly dominant, why should I have to include submissive acts in my limits? That’s already been ruled out. By the time you get to my limits, you should have noticed that I’m only dominant, and if I list any limits, you should understand those as acts I am not willing to engage in AS A DOM. So maybe I would absolutely never want to be ***ed on—but if it’s already been made clear that I’m only dominant, then if I say I won’t engage in that, it means I do not want to *** on anyone.

Or maybe not! Maybe someone else approaches the way they want to fill out their profile differently! Who am I to say my way is the only correct, acceptable, or valid way?

But then, who are you?

You know what that brings us back to? The conversation we’re all able to have, which this tiny field at the bottom of your profile was never meant to replace.

Most of what I see here is a bunch of people throwing stones from the stoops of their glass houses—forgetting why they’re here; being just as judgmental and closed-minded as uneducated yet highly opinionated vanilla folks; and acting self-righteous and condescending toward those that don’t approach deathly serious act of filling out a damn profile the way they do, i.e., the “right” way.

[Mo****]

1, 2, and 3.

[Va****]

Very much... very hard to gain trust that way

[on****]

5 hours ago, AdeelTheDom said:

If a sub told me she has no limits I’d consider that a red flag too

Same.

[se****]

Doms should never write your limits. And yes

[on****]

I respect what people say about finding limits as they go, but even before we enter into play we need to know where our boundaries are — in fact I think it’s more important when we’re less experienced.

A limit doesn’t mean “I don’t like it,” to me.
A limit means “this causes me harm or goes against my ethics.”

The time to find out something is harmful or unethical to you is not *after* the fact.

And as far as tops and doms go, your entire role is about boundaries. How can you maintain safety for someone without boundaries for both them and yourself?

“No limits” sounds like someone trying to be edgy, and someone who is immature, and/or irresponsible.

[Ba****]

I'm not sure, but it is something that makes me less likely to talk to them. If you can't put in the effort to fill out a simple profile, how am I to trust that you're going to put in any effort into anything?

[Em****]

Big red flag

[Ja****]

Limits are quite a spectrum and, whether these Doms are inexperienced or not, a lot of it comes to down to presentation.

Using myself as an example, I know I only have someone's attention for so long. Now with limits being limits, to a lot of us, these are either extremely gross or perhaps something we would consider experimenting with the right person.

For the first point, I'm trying to present an honest but attractive version of myself within a small amount of time. Limits are less important to me than my kinks, because a potential partner is much more likely to look at my kinks and think we have chemistry rather than looking at my limits.

That actually wraps into my second point, my limits are usually based around what I find gross or morally reprehensible, and having those included in my presentation only seems like a bad idea. I can only imagine that its more likely to subconsciously gross people out, or give them a strange feeling that might be counter-intuitive to getting them interested in me. Limits are definitely better discussed between us after some contact, and when we feel comfortable.

However, inexperience and trying to "cast a large net" are probably the main reasons. As much as I don't like posting my limits, I say that I'm open-minded and let it lead to a discussion, rather than say something obviously idiotic and dishonest than "I don't have any."

[Curiously_Exploring]

3 hours ago, BigDDaddyDom said:

Strong opinions for someone brand new to the LS.

You are free to do what you like. But the idea that you can “do your homework” and actually think you’ve got a “strong understanding of [your] hard and soft limits” is pretty naive. I did my homework, my reading, my research, and a whole lot of talking with kinksters & other curious explorers. I took multiple kink tests, created lists, etc. If I were to take a look at so the things I either wasn’t interested in trying at the time, or was firmly opposed to, most of them would be things I am super into now. The rest would be things I may not seem to do myself, but I would more than happily do with a partner if they were into it. An ever-shrinking few, I still haven’t tried yet, but I’m willing to if the opportunity presents itself. Maybe one of them will become a limit for me. The idea that you know anything about your limits just BEFORE beginning to practice this lifestyle is something I’ve only ever heard complete newbies say.

“…but for the kids I’ve had friends who have been actively involved in the lifestyle. I have always been aware that kinks are about consent, and understanding your boundaries.” Not having identified any limits for yourself in no way negates consent or boundaries. My limits are FOR ME—not having identified any limits if my own (yet) in no way suggests that I’m not going to respect yours. Not, for that matter, does it mean I don’t understand me boundaries. How do you know what I’ve tried? How do what I’ve considered? How do you know how much thought I’ve put into it? I may simply be way more open to a lot more experiences than you; I may also have done my due diligence, and not found any limits among the experiences I’ve had and those I’ve considered, yet one day comes across something I’d never considered or been exposed to before, and identify a limit for the first time. And that’s fine, you know why? Because my boundaries include having clear, specific, open conversations before playing; revisiting that conversation before introducing something new; being very clear before play begins about how any new experiences will be approached; maintaining clear & open communication throughout; and being clear on what out safe words/signals are, and what is expected to happen if either of us uses them. If you think doing some homework and making a list makes you safer than all this, I think you have a lot to learn. If you think I’m not able to play safely using all the above, because I don’t have a list like ties, I think you have a lot to learn.

“… so that I won’t ever put myself in any situations that could be emotionally or physically dangerous.” This is either disingenuous, or reflects I need for better understanding. The implication here is that people who don’t list their limits, or who maybe don’t fully know all their limits beforehand, will be unsafe going into new interactions, relationships, etc. But you’re missing some pretty crucial steps. They most important is that new play partners should have a conversation before they play—about what they’re looking for out of this interaction or relationship, what they need to feel safe, what dynamics they want to explore, what they have experience with, what they haven’t experienced yet but might want to explore together, what their limits and boundaries are, and how they’re going to communicate with each other if/when they get too close to one if those limits, it discovers a new limit they didn’t realize they had. That should include a discussion of safe words/signals, and the expected response when those safe words/signals are used. For example, many use traffic light colors, where yellow might mean I’m starting to become uncomfortable and to ease off/not push (much) farther, and red means stop right tf now. It’s very common for these conversations to bring up things you haven’t considered before, giving you the chance to identify a new limit, choose whether you want to explore it, etc.

The idea that you’re only safe if you’ve completely predetermined your list of limits & boundaries only holds up if you assume this conversation isn’t happening—because if it dies hair, you have every opportunity to define those limits at that time, and in fact, your expected up. If your premade list of limits is the only thing keeping you safe, you’re doing it wrong.

You're making a hell of a lot of assumptions about me, and about others, too.
There is only so much that can be written in words on a page, and you are well off the mark.

You have made a lot of condescending and derogatory comments towards people in this forum topic.

Hopefully any potential future play partners will see your posts, and realise the sort of person you are before they go anywhere near you in person.

[Da****]

They're either new or it's a predatory act. Either way steer clear.

[on****]

3 hours ago, BigDDaddyDom said:

Last thing I’m going to say:

I think many of y’all are assuming everyone thinks exactly like you about this single field on a profile, and is answering it in the same way as you.

For example (to the person who said, “How do you feel about extreme ***? Ball-busting? Being branded? …”): I’m 100% dominant, I’m not interested in anything that puts me in a submissive position. So maybe YOU think I should put anything submissive in that field asking about limits. But there’s a separate area to indicate roles, just as there are areas where I can indicate my sexuality, what kind of interactions and/or relationships I’m looking for, and more. AND there’s even a place where I can use my words to say even more, if I want to, called a Profile. Why should I be expected to restate in this field, what I’ve already made clear in a different place? If I’ve indicated that I’m strictly dominant, why should I have to include submissive acts in my limits? That’s already been ruled out. By the time you get to my limits, you should have noticed that I’m only dominant, and if I list any limits, you should understand those as acts I am not willing to engage in AS A DOM. So maybe I would absolutely never want to be ***ed on—but if it’s already been made clear that I’m only dominant, then if I say I won’t engage in that, it means I do not want to *** on anyone.

Or maybe not! Maybe someone else approaches the way they want to fill out their profile differently! Who am I to say my way is the only correct, acceptable, or valid way?

But then, who are you?

You know what that brings us back to? The conversation we’re all able to have, which this tiny field at the bottom of your profile was never meant to replace.

Most of what I see here is a bunch of people throwing stones from the stoops of their glass houses—forgetting why they’re here; being just as judgmental and closed-minded as uneducated yet highly opinionated vanilla folks; and acting self-righteous and condescending toward those that don’t approach deathly serious act of filling out a damn profile the way they do, i.e., the “right” way.

Is it possible for you to make your point without insulting people?

To me, having “no limits” looks pretentious and immature.

I can say that in the abstract without saying “everyone with that in their profile is pretentious and immature.”

But in a lot of very lengthy posts you’ve made several unnecessary ad hominem attacks.

You say you value communication but deride people for having an opinion you don’t agree with.

Is that really the vibe you want to give off?

[Fr****]

Thank you for asking for the opinion of others and offering thoughts for consideration and not making assumptions. I'm a pleasure Dom new to public platforms and I feel intimidated somewhat when I see no limits. Important...Everything is done with consent. In my opinion, the sub sets the limits and has the real control. A Dom with no limits is a great potential partner (wide net theory). Maybe a yellow flag.