Autism/ Neurodivercy in kink settings

[Vi****]

Autism is something that seems to be sexualized a lot.
I understand why, in some ways, people find autistic behaviour attractive, because autistic people have very intense emotions, and can be very ***.
As an autistic individual myself, one of my favourite things about myself is that I can love and feel things very intensely.
But I think a lot of the time, when people (especially doms) have an autistic partner, they sexualize the highs but then disregard the lows that come with the disability.
While I’m usually good at taking care of myself, I often have trouble reading my body queues. So sometimes I need help with daily tasks, staying on track with routines and/or addressing and working through sensory shutdowns.
Do any other neurodivergent individuals relate?
Any tips on how to find a ddlg relationship or caregiver who isn’t based solely on activities in the bedroom?

[Sn****]

I had a Sub with autisme & Age reg. It worked well with my ADHD in the bedroom (my allover the placeisme kept her mind busy). I think the best way is to find another Neuro divergent partner or to be with a reaaaallly educated person on the subject

[AlphaWolf_01]

I don't mean this to sound negative.. but a bit more vetting at the beginning helps to make sure the relationship isn't just a bedroom relationship.... Good communication is key, make sure he knows how to spot your lows, and what helps...

[Co****]

I have audhd. For me it's a throuple dynamic that fits best

[PL****]

I agree with the other commenters especially the comments made by Snöree and AlphaWolf. I would also add, do not be afraid to state something in your profile similar to the statement you made here about taking care of yourself and where you need help from a caregiver/ddlg dom types.

[Fo****]

I can’t believe this is the first time I’m actually hearing this talked about. I was diagnosed with ADHD about five years ago and definitely see my ability to hyper focus and feel deeply as a thing that comes in handy in the bedroom, but I wouldn’t say that my experience has beenone or I’m always hearing about neurodivergence being sexualized. I think the perspective is fascinating though i’m regretting glad you wrote about it.

[Fo****]

*really glad

[Deleted Member]

Finding a non-sexual activity-based relationship, especially a DD/lg or D/s, seems outrageously out of the realm of possibility at this point.
People in regular situation, society/societies on the whole are not equipped nor set up to handle, interact, support Autists, ND's, the debilitated respectively.
Throw in sex, romantic ideation, and Gods forbid love, and it seems we're talking in a non-human science fiction fantasy language.

I think all the same things apply here as they would under Any relating, relationship circumstance: put out there what You want, as best you can, get to know folks/let others get to know you. As the apparent and self-proclaimed neuroweirdo I myself am, I don't understand the why's and how's of typical interaction, the ways others fall into like or love or becoming or wanting to become involved. So much of the surface norm is performative, and veering into kink where performance is and can be a large part of many relationships, interacting therein, it is even more confusing and seemingly fake-feeling TO and FOR ME.

So, my simple answer is 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♀️🤷🏾‍♂️.
I'd excitedly pass along helpful practical advice once I actually encounter some [viable for myself, ND's.]
❤️‍🩹

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for bringing this topic up. It’s refreshing to see it.

[DirtyDaddyx]

Great post.

[ey****]

4 hours ago, AlphaWolf_01 said:

I don't mean this to sound negative.. but a bit more vetting at the beginning helps to make sure the relationship isn't just a bedroom relationship

how?

what should the OP do to ensure sufficient vetting? consider also how this ties in with autism?

[Ob****]

Well done for posting this and for the honesty. It's refreshing. I think that finding someone with experience of autism in their family or in friendships would be key for you if you're feeling that way. You need to be looked after and accepted for who you are. In day to day relationships you can't take the good without the bad. Even if the good is really, really good! The problem here is that sometimes you only find people willing to accept the good parts from you rather than the honest you.

[Deleted Member]

I’ve worked with people on the spectrum, and I’m going to have to say that people who don’t understand your social cues are just not paying attention or not interested in doing so. And it’s the same without Autism, I think. People who care see you and pay attention to your feelings.
The fact that your emotions can be so deep also makes it harder to hide them- so I really feel that anyone who doesn’t see them is making an active choice not to care. In my experience, even when a person with Autism shuts down it’s loud- there’s a rigidity, the eyes avert more consistently. Quiet is an emotion, and it’s not invisible.
I agree with those who’ve stated you probably should be very clear in what you need- and I’d choose someone who is low on sadism in their BDSM test, and very high on caring.
The issue, here, I think is that some of the doms are just violent, misogynistic people who have found an outlet in BDSM. One of the ways I thin the herd is to ask what it is to them to be a dom. If they say that it’s about pursuing their pleasure through service it’s a huge red flag. Some think that being a dom is just about having one’s every needs catered to with no consideration for the other person. I don’t think that’s healthy at all. I like those who look for the sub’s pleasure, who want to get to know them on a deeper level, because healthier control comes from mutual understanding. Focus on the human to understand the worth of the dom, and set clear boundaries, state your needs, in writing, and make sure they are acknowledged by the other person. A trick that works wonders is having the other person repeat back what you told them you need. It makes them hear it better (apparently we tend to listen to ourselves more than we do others) and commit to it more.
And, especially, if your needs are not met walk away. You have a right to be safe and cared for. Don’t ever let them make you feel like you’re the problem, or too much work, or anything else. You have a right to demand what you need from the people who’ve chosen to be in a relationship with you.

[Gracen]

As someone already said here, the people who really care about you will want to pay attention to your needs and wants, as well. Or if my partner does not know what I need, he wants me to tell him so he can help if he can. I would not describe our relationship as DDlg but he does have a dominant/caring energy. I remember early on when we were dating, I was starting to feel highly emotional one day and was having trouble bc I’m not used to showing or processing emotions around anyone (from *** of being seen as “too much”). I just wanted to get away bc I didn’t know how he’d react. Then he came over to me and held my face in his hands and basically said, “It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling and it’s ok to tell me about it.” I’ve never felt so seen by a partner. He will also do things like remind me to tie my shoes or ask me if I’ve been drinking enough water lol.
💕You deserve to be around someone that sees you💕

[Deleted Member]

And… I’ve just seen your age and the comments people leave on your pictures. It says you’re eigh***, which might very well mean your younger than that- and by all means, you do you- but people around my age who message you - that’s a red flag in and of itself. Grown ass doms attracted to ***agers are likely to be looking to exercise and ever deeper, and creepy, control. I’m sorry, it just gives me creep vibes all around. If a thirty, forty, fifty, sixty year old man wants to dominate someone who’s so young and with a condition that makes social interactions trickier- just no. Just fuck no. Please, please be safe.

[he****]

As someone also on the spectrum yes I get super deep emotions I love being kinky but I do large amounts of aftercare...

[DominantesHerz]

6 hours ago, GabsGabsinG said:

I’ve worked with people on the spectrum, and I’m going to have to say that people who don’t understand your social cues are just not paying attention or not interested in doing so. And it’s the same without Autism, I think. People who care see you and pay attention to your feelings.
The fact that your emotions can be so deep also makes it harder to hide them- so I really feel that anyone who doesn’t see them is making an active choice not to care. In my experience, even when a person with Autism shuts down it’s loud- there’s a rigidity, the eyes avert more consistently. Quiet is an emotion, and it’s not invisible.
I agree with those who’ve stated you probably should be very clear in what you need- and I’d choose someone who is low on sadism in their BDSM test, and very high on caring.
The issue, here, I think is that some of the doms are just violent, misogynistic people who have found an outlet in BDSM. One of the ways I thin the herd is to ask what it is to them to be a dom. If they say that it’s about pursuing their pleasure through service it’s a huge red flag. Some think that being a dom is just about having one’s every needs catered to with no consideration for the other person. I don’t think that’s healthy at all. I like those who look for the sub’s pleasure, who want to get to know them on a deeper level, because healthier control comes from mutual understanding. Focus on the human to understand the worth of the dom, and set clear boundaries, state your needs, in writing, and make sure they are acknowledged by the other person. A trick that works wonders is having the other person repeat back what you told them you need. It makes them hear it better (apparently we tend to listen to ourselves more than we do others) and commit to it more.
And, especially, if your needs are not met walk away. You have a right to be safe and cared for. Don’t ever let them make you feel like you’re the problem, or too much work, or anything else. You have a right to demand what you need from the people who’ve chosen to be in a relationship with you.

I think u are right with this.

[si****]

8 hours ago, GabsGabsinG said:

I’ve worked with people on the spectrum, and I’m going to have to say that people who don’t understand your social cues are just not paying attention or not interested in doing so. And it’s the same without Autism, I think. People who care see you and pay attention to your feelings.
The fact that your emotions can be so deep also makes it harder to hide them- so I really feel that anyone who doesn’t see them is making an active choice not to care. In my experience, even when a person with Autism shuts down it’s loud- there’s a rigidity, the eyes avert more consistently. Quiet is an emotion, and it’s not invisible.
I agree with those who’ve stated you probably should be very clear in what you need- and I’d choose someone who is low on sadism in their BDSM test, and very high on caring.
The issue, here, I think is that some of the doms are just violent, misogynistic people who have found an outlet in BDSM. One of the ways I thin the herd is to ask what it is to them to be a dom. If they say that it’s about pursuing their pleasure through service it’s a huge red flag. Some think that being a dom is just about having one’s every needs catered to with no consideration for the other person. I don’t think that’s healthy at all. I like those who look for the sub’s pleasure, who want to get to know them on a deeper level, because healthier control comes from mutual understanding. Focus on the human to understand the worth of the dom, and set clear boundaries, state your needs, in writing, and make sure they are acknowledged by the other person. A trick that works wonders is having the other person repeat back what you told them you need. It makes them hear it better (apparently we tend to listen to ourselves more than we do others) and commit to it more.
And, especially, if your needs are not met walk away. You have a right to be safe and cared for. Don’t ever let them make you feel like you’re the problem, or too much work, or anything else. You have a right to demand what you need from the people who’ve chosen to be in a relationship with you.

Well said!

[po****]

Severe ADHD.
Can write a whole thesis about how it completely ruined my life, but also how it saved me as well.
Having a partner is hard, sex life is like a roller coaster.

[Si****]

More often then not a lot of doms are not very good at switching from being dominate to being very nurturing! My advice is to not rush in selecting a dom and express up front to a potential dom that you need more attention/aftercare and be really vocal about that as you’ll deter the doms that are only there for the sexual aspect! I get your frustration as my exe was neurodivergent as you are and it takes time to cultivate the right dynamic.

[Deleted Member]

I relate a lot. I am annoyed by disingenuous people. Finding it hard to communicate with people means I look for particularly patient individuals who can be serious enough to respect me through clear open communication. Creative compliments and green flags like setting boundaries are a turn on. Working to compromise and or talk things through. But I also vibe better with other neurospicy individuals. My counselor was actually telling me about a study where they put a neurodivergent person with a group of neurotypicals, and no surprise the neurodivergent understands other neurodivergents better than neurotypicals.

[ia****]

Audhd switch here. When I first got into kink I was in total burnout from my high stress job In vanilla life and I can relate. It's a struggle but can be really rewarding. I think thee key part in your question is "DD" in DDLG. The caregiver part is important for someone who needs to be reminded to take care of themselves. The caregiver dom selected should be someone who is not a people pleaser. And someone who is experienced. The rest is really up to living in that dynamic 24/7 with clear written directives and goals. IE my punishment for not drinking enough water in the day was that there would be no sexy time. Or if I stayed up all night my punishment would be to stay in bed all day with no breaks and no entertainment. Working with someone who is neuro spicy is basically like working with a child. The punishment must fit the crime and the goal must still be met.

[Da****]

A good daddy will always look out for you. Whether that be helping with choices, outfits, or just opening car doors when he drives. At least in the experience I have. Bedroom stuff is always fun, but a good protector/provider will be there no matter what time of day.

[ja****]

One that loves for your heart will come

[DD0001]

Have long conversations with them. If they are always only talking about one thing, you know where their focus is. Some are only in this for sex (as much as they would like to deny it), whereas, from conversations, you will eventually work out if they actually want more from you than just bedroom activities.