Confessions of a Newbie: Trying to Figure Out Where I Fit in Kink

[br****]

One thing I’ve noticed since starting to explore kink is that it’s made me question things about myself that I thought I already knew.

I’m a fairly average guy. I work hard, pay my bills, look after the people I care about, and generally try to be a decent human being.

But then I started asking myself: what actually makes me masculine?

For me, it’s not about acting tough or being the loudest person in the room.

It’s knowing that if life throws a problem at someone I care about, I’ll be there to help solve it.

It’s being the shoulder they can lean on when things get rough.

It’s taking them out and not reaching for a calculator to work out what half of a £987 bill is. If I invited you, I’m probably paying. If you want equality, buy the next round, take me out next time, or surprise me with something thoughtful. That’s equality to me—not arguing over who owes £17.43.

At the same time, I keep finding myself drawn toward dominance.

The funny thing is, I’m not much of a talker.

I don’t have a hundred commands lined up.

But if you’ve ever had someone give you that look, you know words aren’t always necessary. Sometimes a glance says more than a paragraph ever could.

That said, I also care deeply about consent and boundaries.

Before I get involved in anything, I ask questions. Lots of questions.

And part of me wonders: does that make me less dominant?

The more I learn, the more I think it probably doesn’t. Leadership without understanding seems reckless rather than dominant.

Another thing I’ve discovered is that I’m naturally quite empathetic.

I care about people. I care about ***s. I care about feelings.

Because of that, *** doesn’t come naturally to me.

Can I understand it as a kink? Sure.

Can I use harsh words? Of course.

But do I instinctively want to degrade someone? Not really.

So then I wonder: should I even approach people who enjoy ***, or should I stick to dynamics that align more naturally with who I am?

And here’s another one that keeps rattling around in my head…

I like giving power to women.

Not because I’m weak.

Not because I’m confused.

I just genuinely enjoy seeing a strong, confident woman take control sometimes.

So does that make me less of a Dom?

Or does it simply mean I’m not interested in living inside one box all the time?

Finally, the question every newbie eventually asks:

Where does a male Dom actually start exploring in real life?

Because from where I’m standing, every profile within a hundred miles seems to be looking for a 10/10 experienced Dom with movie-star looks, unlimited confidence, and a waiting list.

Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to figure out where I fit while learning the difference between confidence and arrogance.

Maybe that’s the real answer.

Stop trying to fit.

Keep learning.

Keep communicating.

Keep being authentic.

And trust that the right people will be interested in the person you actually are.

Curious to hear from people who have been in the lifestyle longer than me.

Which of these thoughts are normal newbie overthinking, and which ones did you struggle with yourself?

[da****]

All of these worries/insecurities/questions are all apart of getting into this world, the fact you are identifying these things shows how much you care in wanting to do this right. Thing is there is no ‘right way’ to this, it’s a journey within one’s self as long as you can show empathy and sympathy and kindness along the way and be willing to learn you will succeed. When it comes to labels such as ‘dom’ it’s not a one fit criteria for everyone, it’s what feels natural to yourself which comes with confidence which I am very sure you will get there. You are on the right tracks and honestly I’ve come across a lot of newbies and you are shining from the rest of them as someone who has done their research and is genuinely interested in doing better and learning about themselves. I wish you luck on this journey, and you are more than welcome to message me if you wish to chat more about this.

[Deleted Member]

There is nothing sexier than consent. A day of helping others with problems just to walk in the door at home tired and dirty. To have my man push me against the wall, grabbing my throat, and saying "you were such a good girl today, let's see if you can be good tonight too". MELT to the floor. Tie me up here. Sir. 1. Your everyday life is not the same as sex life. Accountants are freaky too! 2. Being aware of others needs without needing them to tell you or ask (in daily between life, not necessarily sex life) is fucking hot!
3. Nothing you mentioned makes you less dominant in the bedroom. Does are always super respectful until you don't want them to be. In a dom sub relationship, the sub holds most the "control". At least in a good one. The Dom would never cross the trust line. There are so many everyday characteristics that people consider dominating, and they differ widely in the bedroom. Most of those "dominate men" in the wild are just scared boys. The newbie overthinking is real. Real everything I have a new convo even. Hope this helps settle those ***s a bit. Some women know exactly why they are here, some are open to lots of things, and some just want cash.

[Curiously_Exploring]

What a great post!
You're asking yourself all the right questions and that is brilliant.

I recently went to a really great little workshop about discovering your inner Domme, as I'm very much exploring who I am, too.
The questions that were asked in the workshop were exactly the sorts of questions that our facilitator was asking us.

A lot of people on here who consider themselves Dominant are not actually Dominant at all; they are reckless fools who haven't put the work in.
You're going to be a great Dom.

[Ba****]

Oh i‘m similar in a few ways, aka calm, borderline non-verbal dom with low interest in *** and a taste for strong and confident women

So let’s start with the „giving power to women“-part, tell me;
Does a actually dominant person need someone to be weak for them to feel strong??
Does he get discouraged or even intimidated by someones ability to challenge them??
Isn’t uplifting someone to reach higher for their own potential a fundamental part or leadership-/mentorship??
No, dominance isn’t really about taking power from those who already don’t have much, it can also be about humbling the arrogant or guiding(sometimes even bullying) the weak/less confident into standing up for themselves

Next up, sure asking a lot of questions about consent and boundaries can feel like you are asking for permission and have someone decide for you what you can and can not do but there are two things to keep in mind to mitigate that feeling;
First with every question you are also asking them to expose their most private parts to you, there can be a lot of vulnerability, shame and even guilt in their answers
Second you are basically asking now(before the scene) what could happen to later(during the scene) decide what will happen, so you are equals now to safely be on top later
Also as the dom you need to know most of these answers for their safety and enjoyment while most of your own boundaries are functionally irrelevant because if they don’t like „X“ you have to know to not do „X“ to them while if you don’t like „X“ you can just not do „X“, in practice that difference is a whole lot bigger than it sounds in theory

And for your final question;
People usually put their ideal in their profile, actually read the profile(yes sadly this has to be said) and ask whoever looks interesting to you, sure some inexperienced people want someone who can actually teach them and some experienced don’t feel like wasting their time raising potentially incompatible partners but there are plenty of inexperienced people with similar newbie insecurities about being inadequate in comparison who are looking for people to share a learning journey with and experienced people with the patience to teach you how to handle them
Yes most of the ones who state on their profile that they want experienced partners may ghost or block you, some may tell you to go back to mommy but quite a lot of them still prefer one willing to learn new things over one who thinks they know it all

But yes maybe don’t go for people you know to be looking for what you don’t intend to deliver, aka someone with verbal *** as their main kink just wouldn’t be compatible

Just don’t do what i did
Don’t ever lie about your level of experience
It’s a miracle i never crippled anyone

[Ba****]

11 minutes ago, Barthold said:

Oh i‘m similar in a few ways, aka calm, borderline non-verbal dom with low interest in *** and a taste for strong and confident women

So let’s start with the „giving power to women“-part, tell me;
Does a actually dominant person need someone to be weak for them to feel strong??
Does he get discouraged or even intimidated by someones ability to challenge them??
Isn’t uplifting someone to reach higher for their own potential a fundamental part or leadership-/mentorship??
No, dominance isn’t really about taking power from those who already don’t have much, it can also be about humbling the arrogant or guiding(sometimes even bullying) the weak/less confident into standing up for themselves

Next up, sure asking a lot of questions about consent and boundaries can feel like you are asking for permission and have someone decide for you what you can and can not do but there are two things to keep in mind to mitigate that feeling;
First with every question you are also asking them to expose their most private parts to you, there can be a lot of vulnerability, shame and even guilt in their answers
Second you are basically asking now(before the scene) what could happen to later(during the scene) decide what will happen, so you are equals now to safely be on top later
Also as the dom you need to know most of these answers for their safety and enjoyment while most of your own boundaries are functionally irrelevant because if they don’t like „X“ you have to know to not do „X“ to them while if you don’t like „X“ you can just not do „X“, in practice that difference is a whole lot bigger than it sounds in theory

And for your final question;
People usually put their ideal in their profile, actually read the profile(yes sadly this has to be said) and ask whoever looks interesting to you, sure some inexperienced people want someone who can actually teach them and some experienced don’t feel like wasting their time raising potentially incompatible partners but there are plenty of inexperienced people with similar newbie insecurities about being inadequate in comparison who are looking for people to share a learning journey with and experienced people with the patience to teach you how to handle them
Yes most of the ones who state on their profile that they want experienced partners may ghost or block you, some may tell you to go back to mommy but quite a lot of them still prefer one willing to learn new things over one who thinks they know it all

But yes maybe don’t go for people you know to be looking for what you don’t intend to deliver, aka someone with verbal *** as their main kink just wouldn’t be compatible

Just don’t do what i did
Don’t ever lie about your level of experience
It’s a miracle i never crippled anyone

F@cking sh1t

The censored words are both
D.E.G.R.A.D.A.T.I.O.N

[br****]

Thankyou @@barthold nbsp;🙌

[br****]

I love all of this. Being your authentic self is the best way to start

[Si****]

3 hours ago, Barthold said:

Oh i‘m similar in a few ways, aka calm, borderline non-verbal dom with low interest in *** and a taste for strong and confident women

So let’s start with the „giving power to women“-part, tell me;
Does a actually dominant person need someone to be weak for them to feel strong??
Does he get discouraged or even intimidated by someones ability to challenge them??
Isn’t uplifting someone to reach higher for their own potential a fundamental part or leadership-/mentorship??
No, dominance isn’t really about taking power from those who already don’t have much, it can also be about humbling the arrogant or guiding(sometimes even bullying) the weak/less confident into standing up for themselves

Next up, sure asking a lot of questions about consent and boundaries can feel like you are asking for permission and have someone decide for you what you can and can not do but there are two things to keep in mind to mitigate that feeling;
First with every question you are also asking them to expose their most private parts to you, there can be a lot of vulnerability, shame and even guilt in their answers
Second you are basically asking now(before the scene) what could happen to later(during the scene) decide what will happen, so you are equals now to safely be on top later
Also as the dom you need to know most of these answers for their safety and enjoyment while most of your own boundaries are functionally irrelevant because if they don’t like „X“ you have to know to not do „X“ to them while if you don’t like „X“ you can just not do „X“, in practice that difference is a whole lot bigger than it sounds in theory

And for your final question;
People usually put their ideal in their profile, actually read the profile(yes sadly this has to be said) and ask whoever looks interesting to you, sure some inexperienced people want someone who can actually teach them and some experienced don’t feel like wasting their time raising potentially incompatible partners but there are plenty of inexperienced people with similar newbie insecurities about being inadequate in comparison who are looking for people to share a learning journey with and experienced people with the patience to teach you how to handle them
Yes most of the ones who state on their profile that they want experienced partners may ghost or block you, some may tell you to go back to mommy but quite a lot of them still prefer one willing to learn new things over one who thinks they know it all

But yes maybe don’t go for people you know to be looking for what you don’t intend to deliver, aka someone with verbal *** as their main kink just wouldn’t be compatible

Just don’t do what i did
Don’t ever lie about your level of experience
It’s a miracle i never crippled anyone

I really like some of the ideas you raised. Intuitively I have felt these things but never found an explanation within myself for why I feel these things.

[po****]

I feel the same way.

[An****]

You should look up what Alpha submissive is I think that fits someone like you a lot more 

[br****]

Ok. Appreciate it

[ey****]

A lot of people when they are new struggle on where they fit.   Particularly if they think they have to be/act a certain way which is not them, or have traits they feel are contradictory.

Now, obviously, not saying there won't be stuff you won't need to learn or work on, as we all do - but developing from your core likes and dislikes is important

there are prospective partners who don't like the way you'd like to do things.  That's ok. They're not the partner for you.

A lot will take time, but the more you talk with people, especially in community spaces, the more you'll find some stuff you think is different is actually common and that your own style shines through 

[Bl****]

Wow! That really hit the button! I have found [in my own head] that commanding a sub to take over an sit on my face still makes me a dom but I also enjoy the relaxation of "handing over" so I can relax. If that makes sense.

[su****]

You sound like the perfect candidate for a true Dom either a daddy Dom, or a pleasure Dom.

And yes, any true Dom asks questions. Studies. It’s the hallmark of a real Dom.

Because how can you know what another person needs in order to give it to them if you don’t ask Christians? If you don’t learn their history? If you don’t know, what makes them tick?

Being a Dom is a service position. You use your dominance to lead your submissive. Your masculinity to hold her femininity.

Keep studying. Go to fetlife (the non-dating kink website ) and learn some more.

Sounds to me like you’re on the right track

[su****]

I hate that you can’t edit. That was supposed to say ask questions. I also hate spellcheck lol

[Ch****]

Damn, that was an interesting read. I havnt read any of the comments so there may be some redundancies. But here is where I will start...

"For me",
Im pretty sure the previous quote is all the explanation required. However ill add some context because you laid out you thoughts well. For me, I prefer more of natural flow approach kind of you "that look" comment of yours. Ofcourse there needs to be that cosmic connection before you can pick up on that. For me, discussion is anti sex. For me it should be flow. Too much discussion and and it becomes a production / performance and that's not for me. Sure, going in know some basics before hand is great. I always feel corrective action on the back end (after a session) provides the best feedback for both parties. Again, if it feels like I need to get through a checklist I shouldn't be there because all I would be thinking about is getting out of there.

We share very similar personalities and I could never disrespect another human being like that........
Until playtime begins. Then I can give the bitch what "she wants" and there lies the other piece. She wants you to push those buttons and give you control. She is wired for that sh*t or she wouldnt be there. Im not talking about your first date that you met at class, you might want to ease into that one a bit.. Another way of looking at it is hopefully there is an understanding that there will be more play time dates and you can build on each list. Or you might find someone that submissive dominates you from the bottom, giving you instructions. If that happens I would advise to immediately impose the opposite .

Your completely normal no matter how you continue on your journey here. The fact that you either a)cared enough to pose that question here or b) figured out a creative ploy to implement that will bring the ones who would love to show you, either way your doing okay. The only difference between you and the normal people is action and your getting out of your head.
Also don't be surprised when when you notice the evolution inside of yourself. Your gonna have to decide whether your gonna follow along or redirect. Try to keep it fun the whole time. If there is guilt then for you, thats a punishment for going outside of who you are.. consider that guilt , the reason and what part of your core value system did you violate before continuing. That's where you decide because a couple more times and you would have successfully removed that block effectively advancing the front line foward to the next value. Stay aware. That's the main advice. Be aware and in control and you will always be doing what's right for you.

[Da****]

I love this level of self awareness. If we could sit down and have the conversation could we come up with answers or would it just raise more questions? I’d rather be here than walking around in a haze. Nice to meet you friends.

[Je****]

Wow, very nicely put in words what I’m also living through!

[Ju****]

I say youre thinking and pondering and figuring it out. Just like your write up, you had great answers for your own question just from “hearing yourself” ask them. I think you keep doin what youre doing bro. Youre coming from a genuine place it’s obvious. Keep following your instincts I trust your judgement already lol. You should definately.

[br****]

8 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

A lot of people when they are new struggle on where they fit.   Particularly if they think they have to be/act a certain way which is not them, or have traits they feel are contradictory.

Now, obviously, not saying there won't be stuff you won't need to learn or work on, as we all do - but developing from your core likes and dislikes is important

there are prospective partners who don't like the way you'd like to do things.  That's ok. They're not the partner for you.

A lot will take time, but the more you talk with people, especially in community spaces, the more you'll find some stuff you think is different is actually common and that your own style shines through 

🙌. Ty

[br****]

11 hours ago, bratty_milf26 said:

I love all of this. Being your authentic self is the best way to start

🫶🏻

[So****]

you’re doing well already bro !
Briefly ….something to remember its your own and partner story… you can go for a walk and hold hands you can laugh and cry, do normal things, it’s not all about “hard core” dominance and submission 24/7 . A little knowing look , or whisper in her ear can have more effect than a whip ever could … she wants to be submissive, she desires you to take control.. be yourself ! take it slow, be open with her and she will open up too you, ask her questions about what is ok , as she wants you to understand her, tell her what you expect from her… push her boundaries … once your relationship has trust you will both fall down the rabbit hole

[be****]

I really liked this and honestly as the polar opposite being a female that feels completely uncomfortable giving control I can relate.

[br****]

Yesterday at 08:52 AM, SouthCoastLife said:

you’re doing well already bro !
Briefly ….something to remember its your own and partner story… you can go for a walk and hold hands you can laugh and cry, do normal things, it’s not all about “hard core” dominance and submission 24/7 . A little knowing look , or whisper in her ear can have more effect than a whip ever could … she wants to be submissive, she desires you to take control.. be yourself ! take it slow, be open with her and she will open up too you, ask her questions about what is ok , as she wants you to understand her, tell her what you expect from her… push her boundaries … once your relationship has trust you will both fall down the rabbit hole

Appreciate it cheif 🫶🏻