Negotiating and the everyday scene

[Deleted Member]

I noticed that there is alot of NSA and FWB on the site. When it comes to D/s and Dd/lg how much do you negotiate the pre and post scenes? I believe communication is the most important part of SSC and negotiations. When you are just in it for a fun time and not a real time how can you have effective negotiations? I am looking for any suggestions that have worked for you personally. I realize every dynamic is different so generalized information is accepted.

[Whovian2318]

Eventually you find someone on your level by just being yourself. Let your freak flag fly, respectfully

[SE****]

I negotiate upfront before I agree to take on any role for anyone quite a bit. I’ve determined it’s often what the sub needs and what I “don’t want” are the key points.

Then I communicate three key things to influence the “during” parts so that the “post” part comes up naturally and simple.

1. Hard and soft limits
2. Begging/ theme based requests and feedback.
3. My orders come with options, “you can do W, X or Y, but you WILL make sure Z (the theme/ goal) is done” or something along those lines.

These are respectful guardrails that don’t break immersion or undermine my role as Dom for those that I’ve had less time with to build large levels of trust with.

[FL****]

I don’t negotiate immediately post scene. Wait a day or two. For one, it can spoil the moment immediately going into the mechanics of what you’ll do next time but also they need a chance to absorb and digest it. Especially early in a relationship. Once you’ve been together long enough things can be more flexible. As far as negotiating pre scene it depends on what you’re doing and if they’ve done it before. I’m always way more careful and specific with newbies. But go slow. (For example) if they say “hit me as hard as you want” I’ll never start off doing that. I might slowly work up to it. Probably one of the biggest things to inform them of is that it’s not a problem if they safeword. They aren’t a bad sub, it’s not giving up, it’s not disappointing , it’s communicating. It’s possible to over negotiate a scene. Because you get so involved in the planning that you lose track of paying attention to what their body is telling them or telling you.

[SE****]

Follow up: I didn’t realize that comment would get as much attention as it has. Feel free to DM me if you want more context, specifics, etc. Happy to discuss!

[Bi****]

Everyone is on a different level here. Some for show, some for teasing flirting, some even think there snatch is gold and cost ***.(lol). Just go with the flow and find your lane. Don’t take anyone too serious on here. Remember, this is Fetlife, we all just want to f#*k each other one way or another. You will find a lot of snide ass c*nts and then you will find alot of good conversation also. Just don’t judge and do what you do best. You. That’s why you are the special little kinkster that you are! Stay in the shadows Viper.

[ey****]

tbh - not really that different than with a partner

Like, when someone is a FWB - they're, a, ahem, friend - and so there is still an ongoing relationship even if play/scenes are ad hoc or one off - even things you'd consider to be NSA still need to go through discussions on what you would do

This isn't a "hey, come to my house Friday do kinky stuff", "yeah ok - see you then" -- there is of course that what we would do, likes, limits, interests, etc.

Like, when you're with a regular/long-term partner (which could include FWBs) you do gather likes, interests, etc etc and can probably feel more comfortable bouncing ideas and/or working off the cuff.  

But, like, scene negotitation with someone where it will be a one-off isn't all that different from discussions with someone where it isn't. 

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

tbh - not really that different than with a partner

Like, when someone is a FWB - they're, a, ahem, friend - and so there is still an ongoing relationship even if play/scenes are ad hoc or one off - even things you'd consider to be NSA still need to go through discussions on what you would do

This isn't a "hey, come to my house Friday do kinky stuff", "yeah ok - see you then" -- there is of course that what we would do, likes, limits, interests, etc.

Like, when you're with a regular/long-term partner (which could include FWBs) you do gather likes, interests, etc etc and can probably feel more comfortable bouncing ideas and/or working off the cuff.  

But, like, scene negotitation with someone where it will be a one-off isn't all that different from discussions with someone where it isn't. 

I love how you gently reminded me that FWB is still, duh a friend. Lol I guess I get caught up in the conversations that never seem to want to get to the get to know you as a person parts. I just always wonder how you stay safe and sane when skip negotiations. Not everyone does but it seemed like the ones I talk to do.

[lo****]

It feels like alot of the new people here are just using this sight like a regular hook up site. It makes it harder to find genuine connections, whether trying to find actual Partners or at least friends. And everybody has so many filter blockers you can't even talk to half the people on here.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, ShadowViper1212 said:

 

I love how you gently reminded me that FWB is still, duh a friend. Lol I guess I get caught up in the conversations that never seem to want to get to the get to know you as a person parts. I just always wonder how you stay safe and sane when skip negotiations. Not everyone does but it seemed like the ones I talk to do.

I think part the problem is sometimes online there are (particularly) guys who stated they're looking for 'FWB' but kinda want to skip the friend bit  Like, I'm going to a club on Thurs and if I happened to do any form of play with a friend, then they're a friend.  I don't feel at this juncture I'd do something with a total stranger.  But then. If said stranger was with a friend of mine and there was an introduction cos they thought we'd be in line with each others interests - then that's another thing

I guess for example at some point today I will go to my wife "do you want to play on Thurs, what should we do?" and while there's stuff I know about them (we have been together 17 years) I still would take a discussion on what we'd like to do.  

[PL****]

20 hours ago, SEA-Sir said:

I negotiate upfront before I agree to take on any role for anyone quite a bit. I’ve determined it’s often what the sub needs and what I “don’t want” are the key points.

Then I communicate three key things to influence the “during” parts so that the “post” part comes up naturally and simple.

1. Hard and soft limits
2. Begging/ theme based requests and feedback.
3. My orders come with options, “you can do W, X or Y, but you WILL make sure Z (the theme/ goal) is done” or something along those lines.

These are respectful guardrails that don’t break immersion or undermine my role as Dom for those that I’ve had less time with to build large levels of trust with.

As a sub who negotiated for FWB relationships, allow this but I also include an actual friendship in which we include some D/s dynamic within the friendship itself. He/she reminding me or setting up a system in which I can receive the support I need to be healthy and happy without conditions past friendship that includes play. An example of this might be my dom encouraging me to push past my oain and complete tasks that I wish to complete but often have difficulty because of lack of motivation. If I achieve this I receive rewards. And of course the opposite occurs if I do not. We keep track using an app designed for this. Then tally occurs when we play or sometimes it's a simple response depending on the nature of the task completed or not. They interaction just as my other friends do, but play is to fullfil needs on both sides just as the friendship dies this too, without having to be in a further relationship.

All of this is negotiated prior and as things change. We use communication and we respect what has been negotiated.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

As a sub who negotiated for FWB relationships, allow this but I also include an actual friendship in which we include some D/s dynamic within the friendship itself. He/she reminding me or setting up a system in which I can receive the support I need to be healthy and happy without conditions past friendship that includes play. An example of this might be my dom encouraging me to push past my oain and complete tasks that I wish to complete but often have difficulty because of lack of motivation. If I achieve this I receive rewards. And of course the opposite occurs if I do not. We keep track using an app designed for this. Then tally occurs when we play or sometimes it's a simple response depending on the nature of the task completed or not. They interaction just as my other friends do, but play is to fullfil needs on both sides just as the friendship dies this too, without having to be in a further relationship.

All of this is negotiated prior and as things change. We use communication and we respect what has been negotiated.

What app do you use if you dont mind sharing.

[PL****]

3 minutes ago, ShadowViper1212 said:

What app do you use if you dont mind sharing.

I use obedience. I love it because I add multiple partners. I don't use the pay part, but its simple and each partner can set it up with all limits, rewards, punishm3nts, notes, its the perfect kink app for me and my partners.

[PL****]

7 minutes ago, ShadowViper1212 said:

What app do you use if you dont mind sharing.

Oh and when we negotiate prior, the app helps keep track of the negotiations so we achieve our written contract there to because it's all written for both parties to see.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

Oh and when we negotiate prior, the app helps keep track of the negotiations so we achieve our written contract there to because it's all written for both parties to see.

Thank you I haven't heard of that one.

[SE****]

5 hours ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

As a sub who negotiated for FWB relationships, allow this but I also include an actual friendship in which we include some D/s dynamic within the friendship itself. He/she reminding me or setting up a system in which I can receive the support I need to be healthy and happy without conditions past friendship that includes play. An example of this might be my dom encouraging me to push past my oain and complete tasks that I wish to complete but often have difficulty because of lack of motivation. If I achieve this I receive rewards. And of course the opposite occurs if I do not. We keep track using an app designed for this. Then tally occurs when we play or sometimes it's a simple response depending on the nature of the task completed or not. They interaction just as my other friends do, but play is to fullfil needs on both sides just as the friendship dies this too, without having to be in a further relationship.

All of this is negotiated prior and as things change. We use communication and we respect what has been negotiated.

Absolutely! These are part of the negotiations as the “needs and don’t wants” a FWB situation can sometimes have a heavy or near 0 emphasis on friends. Getting aligned on the foundation and sustainability of the dynamic is critical. Sometimes, it may not be a good match… And that’s ok, that’s why we talk.

[la****]

Tuesday at 02:33 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

I think part the problem is sometimes online there are (particularly) guys who stated they're looking for 'FWB' but kinda want to skip the friend bit  Like, I'm going to a club on Thurs and if I happened to do any form of play with a friend, then they're a friend.  I don't feel at this juncture I'd do something with a total stranger.  But then. If said stranger was with a friend of mine and there was an introduction cos they thought we'd be in line with each others interests - then that's another thing

I guess for example at some point today I will go to my wife "do you want to play on Thurs, what should we do?" and while there's stuff I know about them (we have been together 17 years) I still would take a discussion on what we'd like to do.  

This!!!!! Not everyone wants a 9
one-night stand
I want to feel safe with someone, feel trust level. I know security is an illusion but most people have a gut feeling that helps determine is this someone I am willing and wanting to play

[la****]

1 minute ago, lake-oswego271905 said:

This!!!!! Not everyone wants a 9
one-night stand
I want to feel safe with someone, feel trust level. I know security is an illusion but most people have a gut feeling that helps determine is this someone I am willing and wanting to play

Forgive fat fingered typos - ".....wants a one-night stand......."

[BlueGrace]

I’m in a 24/7 D/s dynamic with my 4 Doms. Everything is negotiated, communicated, expected, and discussed continually. Negotiations never stop. Expectations don’t change. Communication is constant. I am never in relationships for fun. I am closed poly and I take my dynamics serious.