Things Nobody Told Me Before I Popped My Monogamous Kink Bubble

[ro****]

4 hours ago, calgary533698 said:

After being in a marriage where anything outside the normal was met with shame, I’ve finally reached a place where I’m embracing the side of myself that has always been there. Allowing myself to be naturally submissive has been incredibly freeing, but has also been far more challenging than I expected. One thing I’ve learned quickly is that many people hear submissive and assume it means easy, desperate, or available. It doesn’t. Submission, at least for me, isn’t about saying yes to everyone. It’s about choosing the right person to trust. It’s something earned through consistency, respect, safety, and genuine connection. Ironically, the more secure I feel, the more naturally submissive I become.

What I’ve struggled with is being told that because I won’t rush into sex or because I set boundaries, I’m not really a sub or that I am a switch. Having boundaries doesn’t make someone less submissive, it makes them emotionally healthy. Saying no to someone I don’t trust doesn’t mean I secretly want to be in charge; it means I take submission seriously enough to reserve it for someone who deserves it.

You’re so right having boundaries doesn’t make you less of a sub, hope you have fun on your journey to finding someone who deserves it x

[ok****]

Excellent insight

[B-****]

I’ve found a lot of people will talk and make plans then disappear like our conversation is just gone mid conversation

[To****]

14 minutes ago, buffalo10695 said:

I’ve found a lot of people will talk and make plans then disappear like our conversation is just gone mid conversation

sometimes the system engineers have set up automated detection systems for bots that are pretending to be people and have sometimes stolen other people's pictures in our pretending to be real people whose conversations they've copied and are using with other people and a trip something in the alerts and they get their accounts deleted or banned

[Fo****]

Real doms know that respect and trust are absolutely necessary in a dynamic and that the sub holds all of the power through their consent. If the first messages that a sub gets is a command without earning the submission, that just goes to show that they aren’t real doms, they just like the idea of bossing someone around.

A thing to note about the second spank you mentioned: you gave consent the first time but didn’t set a proper boundary about how many. I wasn’t there so I don’t know the full context but clear communication and boundaries are necessary in this lifestyle.

I’m sorry you’ve had bad luck with dipping your toes in the waters and I hope you find a dynamic that works for you and your partner so everyone involved can feel safe and happy.

[po****]

Really hearing what you said makes me want to be a better DOM and ask more in depth questions after hearing what I might want to hear said because vetting goes both ways and I’d hate to find out consent wasn’t more than a level of anxiety and thoughts of what was felt as what one was supposed to say instead of true understanding and a level of trust about 85 % of what your experience was like I do make sure I don’t participate in because my opinion of dominance is more gravitated toward understanding and getting to a true level of trust I feeel is needed to experience in my opinion the exchange necessary for the dynamic to be fulfilling for both parties. Which is where I have come to believe it’s important to have a Dom who is empathetic like myself this way I can feel your unease and slow down and address those feelings and establish an environment where you’re comfortable and then proceed with the experience we both desire because in my limited understanding it’s just better when your comfortable in submission this drives my comfort in dominance and overall is just a more fulfilling experience for both , but you have to have the ability to feel someone else’s emotions to fulfill the true experience that you both desire
I hope this makes sense but more than likely will come off as what’s referred as soft dominance either way this is just my two sense and I can’t change the fact that I feel others emotions and have to navigate this while establishing control of another human

[De****]

This!!!! I've also never used apps and have met everyone I've ever been with in person. The thought of meeting someone off an app terrifies me, but I can promise you, starting off the convo with some extremely kinky message is not going to calm the nerves at all. And holy cow... does anyone read any part of profiles to see if we are looking for men or women etc? (Rant over lol)
I wish you and your partner the best in your adventure though! 😊

[Go****]

I've been kinky for a while and just keep going deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.
My wife however is NOT kinky and it's putting a major strain on us, well me (plus other things), to the point we almost got a divorce a couple months ago and it wouldn't surprise me if it comes back up.
I PREFER knowing who I'm with, which is why I've never had a threesome, never a one night stand, nothing like that. And I pay attention to what they like and don't like, not just by words. I feel it makes me a better Dom, plus I absolutely love (like probably the most of everything in the world) to make a woman cum (even more so when it's in cnc style) and me paying attention means she's always at my fingertips like my own little puppet.

[Yo****]

I didn't want to just leave a heart and not comment I'm kind of new to this too and I'm going to read through the other comments from people and leave it another one later but that does help

[qu****]

I found Fet over 20 years ago. The movement to social media and apps has made it vastly more of a disgusting interaction. These apps make me feel dirtier than my actual scene play ever has. Why? Because people read "kink" and immediately assume it is an open door invitation for disgusting behavior. At some point, SSC, the pillar of the lifestyle, became lost in the weeds.
As a submissive female, opening messages, specifically on kink sites or apps, where it is straight out the gate a whole dissertation on how they want to use me and my holes, is absolutely unacceptable. This isn't acceptable on vanilla dating apps. A kink app doesn't change the rules on basic human decency, manners and etiquette, and yet, here we are. I block anyone who opens that way, because they clearly do not having a solid understanding of what this lifestyle truly means to those seeking something deeper, more.
People truly need to do better.

[Yo****]

Consent is crazy important. I would never send a photo of something without someone asking for it. And telling someone to do something submissively before they said it was okay is crazy. You have to get a whole lot of trust built between two people for a lot of submission stuff. I personally think I'm better in person but I'm not great at Q's sometimes.

[JackJonesHull]

I'm f@@cking nbsp;old, as a user here once pointed out. That's purely a point of view of course, but it does mean I experienced most of my mistakes before the internet and instant communication really were so ingrained in lives.

As you say it is encountering and discovering people at an alarming rate we do predominantly not, that is more than frequently not a particularly pleasant experience and our preconceived notions, what are thought was true, is usually not.

People aren't as nice nor as polite as I expected.

[No****]

Saying someone violated your autonomy by slapping your a** after you said they could is actually a wild take. Rolled eyes or not, I begrudgingly affirm my partners desire all the time. Nobody can read your mind.

As far as how people behave on the internet, you seem already aware that you are not accustomed to it. It is a numbers game, it brings out the worst in people, and expecting the same pleasantries as a natural interaction when they can already read all about you on your profile is just not what the game is on the internet.

Id analyze this a bit further if you're a sex expert.

[Dr****]

20 hours ago, Novasomething said:

Saying someone violated your autonomy by slapping your a** after you said they could is actually a wild take. Rolled eyes or not, I begrudgingly affirm my partners desire all the time. Nobody can read your mind.

As far as how people behave on the internet, you seem already aware that you are not accustomed to it. It is a numbers game, it brings out the worst in people, and expecting the same pleasantries as a natural interaction when they can already read all about you on your profile is just not what the game is on the internet.

Id analyze this a bit further if you're a sex expert.

It is not a wild take. She did not give permission for anything more then one slap. The second slap without a prior second request is a ***.

Think of it in a less sexual scenario. Say a friend asks to borrow your car. Of course you say yes. Does that mean your friend can borrow your car whenever he wants now just because you said yes once?

[ro****]

Sunday at 11:30 AM, Novasomething said:

Saying someone violated your autonomy by slapping your a** after you said they could is actually a wild take. Rolled eyes or not, I begrudgingly affirm my partners desire all the time. Nobody can read your mind.

As far as how people behave on the internet, you seem already aware that you are not accustomed to it. It is a numbers game, it brings out the worst in people, and expecting the same pleasantries as a natural interaction when they can already read all about you on your profile is just not what the game is on the internet.

Id analyze this a bit further if you're a sex expert.

It’s wild to comment before you’ve actually read something…

[ro****]

Yesterday at 07:51 AM, Dragongirl97 said:

It is not a wild take. She did not give permission for anything more then one slap. The second slap without a prior second request is a ***.

Think of it in a less sexual scenario. Say a friend asks to borrow your car. Of course you say yes. Does that mean your friend can borrow your car whenever he wants now just because you said yes once?

Thank you ☺️ x

[br****]

I think this take is acceptable personally I gotten some really rude interactions with complete strangers and it's a complete turnoff to me too

[ab****]

Definitely true about "doms" online. A lot of them just want essentially an old school sex line, where they just get to say whatever they want; you can also tell those people don't actually interact with real people. The first lesson any dom should know is at the end of the day, the person that holds the most power is the sub, because they're the ones who willingly gives up their power to you. Without that, a dom is nothing.

[ho****]

I definitely get the "doms" being one-liners and so straight to the point of it being a turn off. I wasn't getting replies on regular messages (I use dating apps). However, when I talk with people that have a super long friend list on here, they don't want to talk, just "sex line". I guess it works out for them cause most people don't communicate well and they're just wanting more bodies to fit the schedule.
To accredit you though, experienced people that behave in a healthy manner do prefer normal messages

[sp****]

This!!! And that’s where I as a single woman , I feel afraid to explore and open up about my sexuality because men and women have taken advantage of my sexual side…. Any advice would be appreciated

[Lu****]

Actually a really interesting read, especially for one exploring the scene themselves

[Sp****]

This is a very insightful perspective. I’m very new to the bdsm/kink world and this post was eye opening.

[jinxed]

Thank you, thank you! Yes, unfortunately it is so very true that sometimes a "yes" comes out despite an actual conviction not being present. And this might be the moment when actual and proper knowledge of and consideration for each other could be so helpful. 

As to your question whether those blatant messages ever work: yes they do. With absolute newbies. With my first two interactions on apps like this one some years ago, it took two messages before I was ready to strip down and offer myself for whatever was demanded, and of course there were no limits to be found in my submission.. F.R.E.N.Z.Y is all I'll say. Takes a nervous breakdown to learn that this might not be the way forward. 

P.S.: Rage baiting a la @Novasomething is best simply ignored..