The origin of masochism

[jinxed]

A few weeks ago, I was lying next to a vanilla man and he tried to get me aroused by caressing me, giving me little pecks on my forehead and using light and gentle touch. Not only did it do nothing for me, it was like I didn't feel anything. So I took his hand and showed him how I need to be touched to feel something and asked him to hurt me. In less than 30 seconds my whole body was ready for more. 

Since then I have wondered about my need for p@in to get aroused. Is it down to my physical make-up as in more enduring p@in receptors or touch receptors in general? Or is it because I am emotionally so detached that only intense sensations can get through the walls? I don't have the answer, I just know that in tantric sessions with my ex husband there were moments when I really opened up to him and let go, but when he then started to touch me gently on body parts as inconspicuous as the upper arm, it felt like he was about to r@pe me, meaning that such loving touch was very much felt by my body, but in the worst way possible. 

Are there any masochists out there who have had similar experiences or are there even some experts who have looked into this topic? I'd be very curious and would love to understand this a bit better. 

[Sn****]

You're not alone. I've been looking for someone who wants to find their limits, with a person they trust. Bring held down if a gift, letting go to another.

[ba****]

The book “Hurts so Good” is helpful in trying to understand why we like *** more than others.

[To****]

I wouldn’t assume it’s simply about having more or fewer *** receptors. ***, touch and arousal are processed through a much more complicated interaction of sensory input, attention, expectation and context. The same physical sensation can feel completely different depending on what the brain associates with it.

There is also a psychological side to it. Intensity can sometimes cut through the background noise and create a much stronger sense of presence. Over time, the brain can also learn to associate certain sensations, anticipation or power dynamics with arousal.

That’s why I don’t think “I need ***” necessarily tells us what the origin is. It could be sensory, psychological, learned, or a combination of all 3.

As a Dom, I’ve learned not to assume that gentle automatically means comforting, or that *** automatically means something is wrong. What matters is understanding what that sensation actually means to the person experiencing it.

And honestly, that’s what makes masochism so interesting to me. The sensation is only one part of it. The meaning the brain gives that sensation may be the much bigger part

Hopefully I haven’t made that sound too scientific though 😄 I’m just sharing how I’ve come to understand it through experience… probably what you should do as well.

[to****]

For me I'm not really turned on until the man as long as we know and trust each other is pulling my hair and sla...ng my behind a bit to let me know he's the man and in charge of his bottom gurl!

[jinxed]

2 hours ago, barrie50380 said:

The book “Hurts so Good” is helpful in trying to understand why we like *** more than others.

Thank you for the recommendation. I read some reviews and found this quote from the book: "I have come to think of my experiences with masochism as a kind of biohacking: a way to use the electrochemistry of my body in a deliberate way for the purpose of curating a specific experience. Something about my response to *** is different, be it inborn or learned (or both, I suspect). It’s something that allows me to craft a little pocket of joy for myself, an engineered release [...]."

This still doesn't answer the question what causes anyone's need/wish for ***, but it's a very pragmatic way of looking at it. I also like the aspect of learned association as @TomWhttt has mentioned. Because if done with presence and reflection instead of the simple 'well it feels good' reasoning, I can see it as a part of a repertoire rather than a necessity. This would leave room open for more gentle touch becoming nurturing or even arousing as well which would be so amazing for some parts within! It would be a more holistic approach to intimacy. And this way, it doesn't feel anymore like an either / or situation, but an 'all the colours of the rainbow are welcome' one. Thank you for your comments! 🫶

[an****]

You're talking about conditioning and extinction protection of the familiar process.

Think of arousal as a key that fits into a lock.

The way that you get to arousal is by using whatever key works. Maybe it's a kink, maybe it's certain touch, maybe it's words, but once you repeat those patterns over and over again it becomes familiar and trusted.

Because we tend to repeat what works people are always relating kink to early trauma. However, just because it's early doesn't mean it's trauma, and just because you don't have a kink doesn't mean you didn't have trauma.

It just means that the first instance your sexual process was unlocked XYZ was present and then repeated until a habit formed.

There's so much rein***ment to that lock and key mechanism now that deviations to that setup feel unfamiliar, with uncertain outcomes or results and can create anxiety and unwant even though those actions may be more 'socially acceptable' or however you want to describe that, 'vanilla'.

Food for thought: try relearning how to ride a bike or relearning how to run or how to do a task that you have done repeatedly throughout your life.

The difficulty in trying to relearn a functional behavior for no real reason or benefit is the entire dilemma here your body doesn't know why you would need to forget this functional and efficient process. Might explain your reaction, your body was aci appalled by the idea 🤣

Similar to why addiction and repeat behaviors are so hard to break, your body just gets used to easy efficient familiar cause and effect, and a repeatable carrot and stick reward cycle.

Depending on the intensity level I would imagine it would be like trying to convince a junkie who's going through withdrawals that this hug from a family member is what they should be seeking 'now doesn't this feel nice' 😵‍💫 and the junkie just would rather be left alone and not touched if they can't get the fix that they are pre-wired to crave.

The familiar 'hurt me' is safer (in the certainty sense) than the unfamiliar 'hold me'. It's also not about 'hurt', that is just the key.

There is also nothing wrong about any of this it's merely the body gravitated towards the quickest most efficient way you found to unlock the lock, it's really that simple.

[Jester3]

Following. Would love any good book or psych reading recommendations on the topic bcs it hits home for me too.

[jinxed]

@anotherusername I love the analogy you gave. It made me laugh out loud because it's so ridiculously spot on. Thank you for this post! 

[an****]

3 hours ago, Jester3 said:

Following. Would love any good book or psych reading recommendations on the topic bcs it hits home for me too.

Start with Behave (Sapolsky) and then the Power of Habit (Duhigg). Behave has a nice Dom title for the shelf, but neither are BDSM reads, these are psyc focused.