Double standards?

[jinxed]

I'm asking myself whether I'm applying double standards in respect to sex between a person of the age of 19 and one of the age of 30+. If the latter was a man and the younger person a woman, I'd be inclined to claim that the man might be taking advantage of the naiveté of the woman. But if the roles are reversed, I'd be inclined to say that the younger man receives a gift. Clearly very biased. So I'd love to hear opinions on this, because I cannot make up my mind. 

[Ca****]

It’s a great question. I’ll we visit this when I’m not at work.

[kinkydarling]

It’s absolutely a double standard. I think that 18 through 21 if you’re in your 30s is sketchy. But definitely the ***s is really icky. Gender doesn’t matter. You have such a vast amount of life experience on them that they have yet to comprehend. The power balance is completely unfair. It can lead to a toxic relationship, even if you’re not trying to have one.

Personally at 35, 25 is the youngest. I’m even willing to talk to. At least at 25 your brain has fully developed. Although personally, I prefer to have sex with people who are 28-ish. I’m not comfortable with anyone being that much younger than me.

[la****]

I think it all depends on who approach who. I think that is what makes the biggest difference. If the 19 year old m or f approach the older person I think that 19 years young person is getting a gift. If the 30+ m or f is who approach and push on the experience then I think that is a little on the taking advantage.
I’m probably wrong I’m known to have wrong ideas. So 🤷‍♂️ 

[Sa****]

This is completely circumstantial. Every woman matures at a different age. I was 19 him 29 married and having my first son. I now have an 18 year old daughter and her life is much different than mine. If my daughter brought a 30 year old man home I would be extremely uncomfortable as she’s on break before her first year of collage and still a V.

[si****]

Yo this is an incredible question. I also feel the way u do. As a 34 yr old man I like 2 date women 26-42 I have a lot in common and spending time feels more comfortable and when I see someone 21 and under wanting older men I’m like no sweetie enjoy some 21 and under men. But either way she could meet terrible people but with a 21 and under male I’m like u go, I’m envious, but a young guy can also be taken advantage of. I think to hear a woman feels the same way, makes it feel like society collectively (men and women) feel like they own/need 2 protect women. And anybody enjoying a young woman who isn’t ourselves need 2 answer 2 the people. But young boys is like fend for yourself enjoy everything u get

[no****]

As a 26 year old I’d say it could be taken both ways. Men don’t necessarily mature with age where women definitely mature from the age of 18 to 45. Most older women I’ve been with know how to express what they want, where younger ones are still battling with their own emotions. But compared to when it comes to a man doesn’t matter the age you can find a 40 year old acting like he’s 21 ready to take on the new world and willing to play games. So my thought is if a younger woman consents to being with a older man that’s her lesson to learn, where if a younger man is with an older woman it’s because she knows and sees the man he can be. Women are better visionaries where men are there for the what they see in front of them

[is****]

So I feel it’s definitely a Double Standard & it 100% should be.
First because I know female might mature faster then Males.
But As I get older I’m seeing more & more of the age gaps in relationships.
I’m realizing the sex with a young female and older Man.
Mostly Ends with the female feeling used & taking advantage of.
Because most of the relationship was built on Lust or just pure Attraction.
And nothing real because they had nothing In common.
And I feel same goes for the age gape reversed.
However there is a higher chance that the Female that’s older will not try to take advantage.
And or not control them as much I feel.
I feel this way because I’ve been in the situation before.
Me being the younger at 18 while she was 42 years old.
But I’ll be honest from my PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
I didn’t feel taking advantage of or anything.
I felt it was just fun, of course I had no idea the seriousness of the situation.
But i know a lot of guys with the same stories and they all say it was what they wanted and they pursed the older woman.
Where’s A older Man pursuing a young girl is completely different.
So this why I feel it definitely is & should be a double standard.

[si****]

I feel like your view make a lot more assumption about all women, I’ve met some young women that are so grounded and in control of their emotions. I think it’s more women and men are a lot more similar than we realize and society lead mostly by the most wealthy people, want us to think we’re very different and keep us divided so we spend time worried about who’s hooking up with who and not how many *** are starving

[le****]

Double standards don't exist. Only contradictions you try to rationalise... If it's *** and manipulation one way, it's *** and manipulation the other way also....

[kinkydarling]

6 minutes ago, sitonhippo said:

I feel like your view make a lot more assumption about all women, I’ve met some young women that are so grounded and in control of their emotions. I think it’s more women and men are a lot more similar than we realize and society lead mostly by the most wealthy people, want us to think we’re very different and keep us divided so we spend time worried about who’s hooking up with who and not how many *** are starving

Honestly, I feel that so valid. I feel both sexes have immature and mature people. Either way though when you’re that young the age gap hits way too hard. Unfortunately I have experience in that. I was pursued by a man in his 30s at 16. Which is younger than what we’re talking about, but it persisted until around this age. Fortunately it was just online but he wanted me to travel to him. AT THAT TIME I FELT IN CONTROL. I felt flattered and like it was OK. When I got to his age, I suddenly realized I would never do what he did. For some people that’s what it takes to re-process the trauma.

Also completely agree billionaires suck and benefit from us squabbling over petty differences instead of fighting their oligarchy rule. We have more in common than we have different.

[Deleted Member]

At 19 a 45 year old woman took advantage of me and I loved every minute of it
But it definitely had long term effects because I have a older woman fetish big time now because of her

[si****]

I’m starting 2 think maybe we need 2 be a little more protective of young men but don’t stop at that and be even more protective of young women. Make sure it’s not normal for anyone 30 + 2 purse people 21 and under

[si****]

People in their 20’s should enjoy living in the gray and making morally questionable decisions and we can let the justice system handle the ones that cross the line 🤷‍♂️

[Deleted Member]

I was an adult at 19 but she definitely used me as her boy toy and I know older women do this all the time

[Do****]

I went through something like this when I was younger. I was that young male sleeping with the very hot older female. Mix in a power dynamic in that she was my therapist and I can see how so many people thought I was being taken advantage of. And in hindsight, I can see it too.
At the time of us dating, I got the typical "yea she's hot" and "holy shit bro, your therapist?!" from my male friends. I would get absolute bewilderment from others on how I was able to start dating my therapist. All of which was a boost to my ego that was admittedly very low at the time.
We dated for many years and I can honestly say it felt like the most healthy relationship in the early days. That feeling is what kept me scoffing when someone would suggest that she isnt well and that she is taking advantage of me. Then came the full on breakdowns when she felt like I was "pulling away". Her need for approval from me was so strong that she would lose it if she ever thought I was leaving her and her mind would come up with the smallest thing I did or said to validate her thoughts of me wanting to leave. I was too young to be aware of what was happening. I mean, shes the therapist so she has to be the stable one, right?

Having worked through it now, I can see that her want to be desired from someone young, very into her, and seemingly emotionally strong (I wasn't), was just her way of getting approval from outside sources in a time when she felt very ***. She latched onto me in a very unhealthy and codependent way and in a time that I was young, ***, and just starting to learn who I was.
All the blame isn't on her though. I chose to stay for my own selfish needs too in the beginning. I was getting some of my self worth from being with the hot therapist. I really didn't feel "taken advantage of" at the time.

All this to say I had people over the years try to make me aware of what was happening and how unhealthy it was but nothing more than a quick comment here and there. If it was a older male therapist with a younger female client, I can imagine the uproar would have been much greater than what I experienced.

[su****]

If young adults cannot be trusted to form relationships with older adults, why should those younger adults be trusted with voting?

[Sm****]

What's the law say? It bears no further discussion than that. There is a point in your life you need to start taking responsibility for your actions. That age is 18. Anyone saying otherwise is on a high horse being an ageist. If they are so mentally deficient they can't take responsibility for their actions then they need to be secluded from society until mentally capable. This comes up every couple months it seems and I love how everybody wants to get all in their feels about it. Your feelings don't mean crap, thankfully, otherwise KINK would have no place in society. If you don't like the law, change it, otherwise stop being derogatory about other people's relationships, unless you want people to talk chit about yours.

[OB****]

Age is just a number. Don't get hung up on it unless it's illegal.

[Deleted Member]

I totally support this as long as you are careful and thoughtful about it. Which it appears that you are.
I had numerous girlfriends throughout high school. But I dated a 22 year old my senior year. We worked at the same ski shop and formed a connection. She was gracious and informative and taught me what a clit was 😂 But she also called me out on my dickbag behavior. I’m eternally grateful for that relationship.
That being said, I think you are right to point out the maturity of a young person’s brain and how it doesn’t actually achieve maturity until 26 or perhaps later.
Which is why you have to be careful. Based on your yoga poses I can easily understand him becoming infatuated with you. Or confusing sex with a relationship. It’s a tough dance, but if you are measured in your actions I think you could be a mind blowing and informative fling which you both can enjoy. But anything more serious would be a bit dicey

[Ja****]

That’s sexist, both are in the wrong unless clear spoken intent is understood and it’s not anything more than a one off playtime or it’s done as sex work in the industry

[de****]

I mean it is kinda sexist, but hell I am too then. Though I tend to think all guys close to my age or lower are too young and it's icky. Though my friend says if I stopped screwing guys with dementia they wouldn't forget I exist so I'm trying 😂

[ey****]

14 hours ago, jinxed said:

I'm asking myself whether I'm applying double standards in respect to sex between a person of the age of 19 and one of the age of 30+. If the latter was a man and the younger person a woman, I'd be inclined to claim that the man might be taking advantage of the naiveté of the woman. But if the roles are reversed, I'd be inclined to say that the younger man receives a gift. Clearly very biased. So I'd love to hear opinions on this, because I cannot make up my mind. 

a lot depends on context

but a way I might see it - is, often the problem with older man, younger woman - a younger woman is specifically sought, and whether the intent is there or not, there can be a play on naivety. But when an older man might defend himself on the whole "you cannot help who you develop feelings for / connection with" I would say that is on paper fine, but of course if there is this constant aim/revolation on the younger women then that goes against the statement

I feel, like, look - I very rarely see older women specifically targeting younger men - I'm not saying it doesn't happen, nor am I saying it's not a play on naivety if it does especially from a patterned behaviour.  But because of that it is easier to assume it falls onto good intentions

I guess a thing for example - if a 19 year old woman said she was looking for an older man, how many men would be all over it?  For assorted reasons.

If a 19 year old man said he was looking for an older woman, the women do tend to be more reserved cos often what they are looking for does mean more work for the woman.

[OB****]

People are really making assumptions about age. If it is legal and in love, then let them be. People can drink at 19, vote at 18, and die for their country at 16. With so many things wrong in the world, why not let them be. I can't relate, but I do know that society has a huge history of intolerance to love.

Absolutely. If you’re looking at the history of society restricting who people were allowed to love, the pattern is remarkably persistent. The rules have changed, but the basic idea—“those two people shouldn't be together”—has appeared in many forms.

A History of Intolerance Toward Love

Social class: For much of history, marriage was treated as a family and economic arrangement rather than simply a personal choice. Aristocrats were expected to marry other aristocrats, and relationships across class boundaries could bring disgrace or family opposition.

Race and ethnicity: Interracial relationships have repeatedly been condemned or prohibited. In the United States, laws banning interracial marriage remained on the books until Loving v. Virginia (1967). Similar racial restrictions existed elsewhere, including in Canada's history.

Religion: People have often been pressured to marry within their own faith. Relationships between Christians and Jews, Catholics and Protestants, Muslims and non-Muslims, and other religious combinations have sometimes faced intense family and community opposition.

Gender: Women historically had far less freedom to choose their partners. Fathers, families, and legal systems could have enormous influence over whom a woman married. Marriage could be treated as a transfer of family property, status, or political alliance.

Same-sex love: Same-sex relationships have been accepted in some historical cultures and condemned in others. In many Western societies, however, homosexual relationships were criminalized and socially stigmatized for centuries. Canada only removed criminal prohibitions against certain private consensual same-sex acts in 1969, with marriage equality arriving in 2005.

Age and expectations: Society has long imposed expectations about who is an appropriate romantic partner, including expectations about age, fertility, and whether a relationship is considered "suitable."

Nationality and citizenship: Families and governments have sometimes discouraged relationships with foreigners, particularly when marriage affected inheritance, citizenship, political alliances, or perceived national identity.

Disability and health: People with disabilities have historically been viewed as unsuitable romantic or marriage partners, sometimes through extremely discriminatory laws and institutions. Their right to sexuality, marriage, and family life was often denied.

Divorce: For centuries, leaving an unhappy marriage could carry enormous social consequences. In many societies, divorce was difficult or impossible, meaning people could effectively be trapped in relationships they no longer wanted.

Unmarried couples: Couples who chose to live together without marrying have frequently been treated as immoral or socially unacceptable. The idea that a relationship needed legal marriage to be legitimate has been deeply embedded in many cultures.

Non-monogamous relationships: Relationships outside monogamy have generally faced strong social disapproval, even though forms of plural marriage and other relationship structures have existed throughout history.

Sexuality and gender expression: People whose sexuality or gender expression didn't conform to prevailing norms have often been pressured to hide themselves, conform, or abandon relationships that society considered unacceptable.


The common thread

The fascinating thing is that the reason for intolerance changes, but the argument often sounds remarkably similar:

> Your relationship is unacceptable because it violates the rules of our society.



Sometimes the justification was religion. Sometimes race. Sometimes class, gender, inheritance, morality, or tradition.

And yet, over time, many relationships that were once considered scandalous or unacceptable became ordinary.

Love has repeatedly expanded beyond the boundaries society tried to put around it. ❤️

Don't be about intolerance, be about love.

[jinxed]

6 hours ago, camp_fire said:

I totally support this as long as you are careful and thoughtful about it. Which it appears that you are.
I had numerous girlfriends throughout high school. But I dated a 22 year old my senior year. We worked at the same ski shop and formed a connection. She was gracious and informative and taught me what a clit was 😂 But she also called me out on my dickbag behavior. I’m eternally grateful for that relationship.
That being said, I think you are right to point out the maturity of a young person’s brain and how it doesn’t actually achieve maturity until 26 or perhaps later.
Which is why you have to be careful. Based on your yoga poses I can easily understand him becoming infatuated with you. Or confusing sex with a relationship. It’s a tough dance, but if you are measured in your actions I think you could be a mind blowing and informative fling which you both can enjoy. But anything more serious would be a bit dicey

Very true! Yes, you'd have to be very careful. And also based on many very insightful comments in this thread, not push for it too hard. If the younger man were to show clear signals, then it could be pursued further. If not, then it is probably the responsibility of the older person to not make more obvious moves, plus of course the aspect you bring up here, to make absolutely clear that there is a difference between sex and a serious relationship.
As you say though, I can see how some older women could instill so many positives in a younger man. So I guess it really and fully depends on the maturity and good intention of the older person. Thanks for sharing your experience!