Popular Post Wh**** Posted September 3 Popular Post I finally met someone I had a strong connection with, we will call him D. We’ve met twice and planned a getaway tomorrow for a much needed play session. I’m stressed at work and at home and need to reduce my anxiety. Context: I was married for 24 yrs to a vanilla adulterer. So trust is something I rarely give anyone anymore. Well I started to open up to him about my f@ars and concerns about being able to open up and trust someone and he brushed it off, saying my reality is what I make it. I became short with him and did not answer with more than one word responses. I blocked him and reloaded Fet ( as he had asked me to leave here) I unblocked him long enough to explain that brushing me off after being vuln@rable with him triggered me. My fight or flight instinct immediately surfaced. My chest is tight, my muscles are tense and I can’t focus. I blocked him again and came here. I’ve asked several times to take it slow, my survival skills are honed right now. From bad dating, fake Doms and horny millennials looking for a cougar. I KNOW this is a survival reaction because my entire body is tensed for flight. Am I overreacting or is my intuition telling me he’s not the one who will help in my healing journey??
ma**** Posted September 3 I wouldn’t say over reacting, but it almost sounds like you’re looking for someone else to help you with your healing when usually we have to heal on our own before we welcome someone into our world. It’s not as fun doing it on our own but it means you don’t fall into any codependency or other traps
Pi**** Posted September 3 Both can be true. He may not be the one to ease you into this. (Sounds like you need a soft/pleasure dom). But it also sounds as if you’re in a highly triggered state. You’re not over reacting. You’re entitled to every emotion under the sun, yet at the same time you’re responsible for working through them. EMDR AND CPT helped me a lot. Taking a step back from things at times works wonders as well.
an**** Posted September 3 Not the one, and you’re not ready either just speaking from someone with cptsd, all of us are different but I come from a 25 narc *** relationship that I ended almost 2 yrs ago, and I think I can speak alittle here, this time is all about you and self discovery, figure out what you want and who you are and do not settle…by all means play though 😆 your body is telling you everything you need to know, listen to her
su**** Posted September 3 Some people are just not available or in a place themselves to help with a journey like that. It’s up to you whether you continue with him or not - but if it were me I would find it too easy to fall into a situation I don’t want to be in where I want more from them than what’s available. There will be other people who are at least considerate of what you’re going through.
Fi**** Posted September 3 Not overreacting at all. You need someone to recognize your says ***s and issues from the past and help you through them. Acknowledging what those are and reassuring you that you can trust.
po**** Posted September 3 I think you're right on.. don't second guess your gut and look for vulnerability in men, don't settle!
de**** Posted September 3 You opened up to him and he ignored what you said. In fact, he discounted it as not real. He’s the problem here, not you. In addition, anytime someone tells you to remove yourself from a social platform, they have insecurity issues and likely many more. Walking away was the right thing.
DarkArts1066 Posted September 3 I think, honestly, that you’ve answered your own question here. You’ve explained your ***s, tried to rationalise your feelings with Him, but it doesn’t sound like the message has arrived in his inbox yet. Ans if that’s the case, it’s probably not going to sadly. We can’t shape people into what we want them to be, and we shouldn’t try. (NOT saying that’s what you’ve tried to do here!…) You know, in your heart if you can develop trust with this person. For me, if there isn’t the slightest sign of that straight off the bat, then they aren’t a good fit. No need to be anxious though. Just find a way to move on … quietly, and without stress. I hope that helps.
xl**** Posted September 3 You should probably go with your gut on this one. I dont think there's enough context RE what happened immediately after before the blocking. Did he say anything else about it? In my experience when ive taken immediate action on one thing someone's said then its usually because I was subconsciously looking for a way out and I would take anything I could. I mean zero offence by anything ive said and apologise if it comes across that way, if we were talking about this over coffee (hypothetically obvs) then you would see from my body language and tone of voice that I mean it with the best intentions. Side note: if my partner never trusted me or accused me of cheating because I was late home, checking my phone etc, I'd leave. Maybe that is the reality hes referring to. Trust me or someone else will, we arent all bad I promise.
ho**** Posted September 3 Trust is important but its also bi-directional. If my partner flew into a survival reaction every time conflict came up between us I wouldn't feel safe topping her at all. As to whether or not its your intuition or an overreaction I couldn't help you...but the advice I would give is that if you know your on a healing journey your more likely to find a longer term sense of peace if you finish the journey before you look for a partner. If you can't then maybe there are better environments than a BDSM community to find one. Just a suggestion. No Judgement
Co**** Posted September 3 Yes, your reality is what you make it, but that in no way means it's necessarily easy to change. Knowing ourselves and being able to face our ***s is a journey that takes a lifetime. If this community is what you need, then great. If either you or him shut down the conversation and aren't able to move past it, then your ability to move through any *** that has arisen together ends. Maybe that's the right move.. but maybe not...
si**** Posted September 3 I think communication is key in any relationship, but especially here. It's concerning to me that he blatantly disregarded your feelings when you opened up to him. I feel like he should have been more supportive. The person that I'm seeing right now is incredibly supportive no matter what ***s or issues that I express. I understand him wanting you off of the site, but I had a very very strict Dom who did allow me to stay on Fet because I enjoy reading the forum. The way we resolved that issue was that I deactivated my account after reading the Forum each day and I reactivated it when the next day I wanted to come and read the forum. So for me, there are red flags concerning your person. I don't know him the way that you do, so I may not have all the info. I would tread very lightly if I were to move forward with an individual like the one you're describing. I have always been a big believer in trusting my intuition and trusting my gut. The times that I have not listened to it, I've regretted it. As with any advice, take what you need and leave what you don't. Blessings to you!
Ol**** Posted September 3 You absolutely were not overreacting. Does he remind you of your former partners dismissal of your wants and needs. Take your time and hopefully you’ll find someone willing to help you through your ***s and concerns. Good luck.
fa**** Posted September 3 13 minutes ago, Oldmanpapabear said: You absolutely were not overreacting. Does he remind you of your former partners dismissal of your wants and needs. Take your time and hopefully you’ll find someone willing to help you through your ***s and concerns. Good luck. I agree with what he said. Honestly him being dismissive of your issues is itself a red flag so your instincts are serving you well. Honestly somebody who is like that (dismissive) shouldn't even be on this platform IMHO
wi**** Posted September 3 Hell no something like that the guy needs to understand and take the time to ensure you that what you need is what he can give not just dismiss it like that..you was in the right cause it triggered you
LadySusweca Posted September 3 Someone may be a submissive, but they are always a person first. If someone is not willing to acknowledge that you have concerns and trauma then they will not be safe for you. You need to be allowed to heal and finding someone who will at least take the time to listen even if they do not understand is important. Unresolved trauma can cause the fight or flight instinct to come to the forefront. It is our mind protecting us and it is normal behavior. This is just my suggestion of what to do when you feel like this. Splash your face with cold water and do some intense exercise for 5 minutes. Inhale through your nose for a count of 4, exhale through your mouth for a count of 6 then tense a muscle group like your arms and relax. It may sound strange to do, but it is a dialectical behavior skill to help relieve stress.
Rainydaye88 Posted September 3 You should congratulate yourself. Emotional and mental safety are always the prime directive and you didn't abandon yourself just to have connection. Great job! 💜
Du**** Posted September 3 I agree ^^. trust your instincts. If something is causing you anxiety or leaving you feeling unsettled or unfulfilled, it may be best to go your own way. There will always be someone out there who understands your situation and can offer the empathy and support you deserve.
bl**** Posted September 3 Always Trust Your Instincts…and honestly, this is the last place you should be looking for someone. Seriously lady. There are a million true dating apps. This is the for the freaks and geeks ;)
Ta**** Posted September 3 I would guess it's your intuition. Brushing of ***s and concerns shows you you can't trust him to respect them. There are a lot of shitty people out there, and they trigger. They might be less shitty - but still shitty. I've only ever met men I did not really mesh with - but who appeared to be less shitty, or not shitty in ways I recognized. I second-guessed my instincts for *** of being unfair, which of course was unfair towards myself.
Deleted Member Posted September 3 I have experienced a similar situation. If I could go back, I would tell myself to trust my gut instincts. I don’t think you do yourself any favors by ignoring your intuition. Even if it is “off”, due to adverse circumstances- it deserves to be (at least) examined ♥️
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