Shame on you

[ni****]

If i dont understand a particular kink (thats rare lol) then I simply scroll on. Ive had so many fakers in my inbox that seem to think that im just into one off fks and that "you can call me sir" just so they can get laid without consequence they seem to think because im kinky im into one night stands. There are those that have spent literally weeks building conversation talking limits etc just to try their luck and disappear. Im lucky to have found my Dom and yes I found him here as well as a few amazing friends that we can all talk freely without judgement.
Its sad we have to learn to filter out the idiots but to be fair on any side of dating site you have to learn the skill of selection anyway.
I do not discuss CNC unless Im in a committed dynamic as that sort of play must be within a solid trustworthy dynamic. Not a conversation for early play IMO

[Ha****]

Just because, it’s a kink app doesn’t mean people automatically have the entitlement to anyone’s body. Tbh main issue I have is the guys that don’t meet my size queen minimum. I get told “You’re asking too much” or “Come on make an exception just for me.” Like I’m sorry but, if you’re butthurt because, you can’t get past the cheeks, just say that. Just because, I’m a freak doesn’t mean I’m worth less than basic common decency. Idk maybe I’m “asking for too much.” 🤣🤣🤣. No, for real though what is it with people who can’t read a bio then get all asshurt when I sit there and point out the answer is in my bio? 🤣

[un****]

Perhaps this is just text-to-s***ch not bringing your point across properly, and obviously we don't know exactly what posts you're talking about and there may be nuances to those you haven't brough across, but I feel as though there's a *big* conceptual difference between the two scenarios you're complaining about that hasn't really been drawn out in comments to date.

Completely agree about the kink shaming part, there was a pretty egregious example of that recently, as has been mentioned, and it was shut down hard, and quite right too.

But I'm afraid saying you're annoyed about people "complaining about someone springing CNC on them on the first date" is victim blaming. If someone "springs CNC on you" then they don't understand the relevance of what the first C in CNC stands for. Which I hope we can all agree is frightening, whether or not we're into CNC as individuals.

Sure the sub could have protected themselves better by expressing their limits more clearly in advance, but that's like saying someone wearing a miniskirt is asking for it. It is implicit in what you've said that they're a new inexperienced sub exploring a world new to them, so if they haven't got the knowledge or confidence to express themselves better yet, it's 110% the dom's responsibility to check in with them super carefully beforehand and not just make assumptions about what energy they should be bringing to their first scene. In fact who cares how experienced the sub is, "spring on" is not a verb that should be used in the same sentence as CNC, period. The victim has every damn right to complain here about their experience - and/or to relevant authorities IMHO.

[Ja****]

7 hours ago, DarkCherry28 said:

I don’t really come across people who shame for kinks as much as those who jump in with what are you looking for my profile says friends yes but honestly i get a lot of “you realize you’re on a kink app right” and the answer is yes i do but i’ve found that most who actually read my profile and are receptive to it actually end up talking to me rather than immediately jumping into my kinks and when we’re going to fuck. People not discussing their limits and making it clear of what they like or don’t like that is on them like someone else had mentioned it’s not the app’s fault for them not having that discussion ahead of a meet up

I personally never blamed the app and I just think there’s more and more people that are joining this app for what I feel is the wrong reasons and don’t have the other folks safety in mind and think kink is all about sex and it’s not

[Ja****]

6 hours ago, mysticmasa420 said:

I've never had anyone on here kink shame me. I have had men that think sex is what BDSM is about so I stay away from men who claim they are good in bed.... Because BDSM involves way more just your dick.

Amen

[Ja****]

3 hours ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

I have unfortunately met quite a few who are fairly vanilla, or want much less then I do for a D/s relationship. I have also had a few that expected a CNC relationship without consent and usually through simple vetting, I figure this out fairly quickly. I block those individuals or at the minimum make sure they know that they need to do further research as to what a true D/s relationship should look like. I ask them if they truly read my profile and understand what I am looking for as well. Because often that is ignored. However, I do not ever feel unsafe, because I have options to make sure those that are not great do not bother me further. I do agree that lately this has increased; (the not so great individuals) but, I have found that because I want a very specific type of lifestyle this is one of the best apps I have used. I also love the app because it has brought me a community that thinks like me and I love that I have that.

In my opinion you are here for the right reasons and individuals like you are why I enjoy this app

[Ja****]

2 hours ago, doggyman said:

just reading comments and posts shows the issue and importance of talking and laying everything out. we all view things differently and do things differently.

everyone see laying everything out early as bad but wondering why so much misunderstanding goes on. people see as rude and so many negative things. but stating ur intention and interests i feel should be first thing. thats best way to create an understanding. rather then 12 dates later figuring out someone has kinks that make u feel uncomfortable.

now as far as kinks and why so many people are joining is they are learning we all have kinks haven’t met a person one that couldn’t google and find a kink they relate to.

now saying someone wrong because they view something differently is wrong. even with labels thats just opening basic knowledge of kinks or action so on. thats why it means so little to bring up to me. now the full details and experience of that a different thing. some mix kinks unknowingly thats why that uncomfortable conversation earlier can save time and hurt feelings later.

last wanna add is blocking or saying there not true dom sub or is judging them without effort to understand them. internet knowledge only gets you so far with the confusion i mean everyone exploring just some got more opportunities then others. like someone associating kinks with rough sex they ain’t wrong or right there. blocking doesn’t break it down for them. bet u ask what makes rough sex kinky they gonna actually give info that would allow u to find there actual kinks.

stop judging and blocking we all people exploring talk if it’s someone truly ignorant and hard to talk to suggest an event or a starting point and kindly end conversation or at least attempt to do kindly. the toxicity of someone supposed to know everything and have same view of labels crazy

Well said

[Co****]

I think that people tend to blow past the idea that for CNC especially, there is a very high bar of trust on BOTH parties. It's obvious why for the woman, but for a man there is a very real possibility of legal repercussions. Absent documentation (waiver, film) the aftermath of CNC looks very much like a crime; to have someone drop that kink on you MID ACT as a requirement is a huge red flag and a clear sign they don't respect your autonomy.

[TripleXHexxx]

I joined hoping to find someone knowledgeable about BDSM and service but I am quickly realizing that the men that hit me up do not understand roles nor negotiation.

I am polyamorous and queer. I have exactly one male partner who I tie up and have my way with. We engage in CNC. I think people forget that the first C stands for consensual. I also think people (especially here) want to jump into something without proper negotiation ahead of time.

I wouldn't participate in CNC with a stranger but I certainly wouldn't kink shame someone who does. I'm responsible for my own risk profile, my play partner's risk profile, and not anyone else's.

[Ro****]

Just like every app there is a healthy mix of "easy sex" and low effort. I definitely notice the undesirables on here too. Personally, I closely watch how people approach me right from the start. If their opening or conversation is anything less than polite, or if they lack basic communication skills, I don’t let them get any further. Setting that boundary early on filters out most of the people who aren't taking safety or consent seriously.

[Goodbicpl]

Totally agree that all the kink sites are being flooded by Vanillas to use it as a vanilla dating site then act surprised when kink comes into it.

Don’t know why they’re here. And then there’s this kinky gifts thing that stops things like spanks and messaging to get peoples attention blocked by these so called messaging filters. We’ve complained to site owners that the site is going down hill rapidly

[Kf****]

Wow dude you’re so angry, maybe you should log off and get some fresh air. It could help calm you down. Maybe you’re not as angry as it appears but take a moment to see how you’re coming across to everyone else, that may help you be able to get your point across better

[Starbucket]

James, I don't feel attacked in the slightest. Nothing I said even remotely reflects that. But its obvious that you have gone through something that is troubling you. Perhaps you should address it with the FET. Team and get their opinion on said troubles. Be safe and have a great day.

[ey****]

the thread you're refering to

the problem wasn't CNC.  The problem was it was sprung on the other person without any prior discussion on what it was, what it looked like, and what they were both happy with.  CNC isn't something you just do on a whim.

The other issue on that thread if that one person said no to engaging in it, at that point, and the other person didn't respect that no.   

[TripleXHexxx]

Did this culture vulture really just say that AND kink shame?

[Ja****]

Yesterday at 07:24 AM, TripleXHexxx said:

I joined hoping to find someone knowledgeable about BDSM and service but I am quickly realizing that the men that hit me up do not understand roles nor negotiation.

I am polyamorous and queer. I have exactly one male partner who I tie up and have my way with. We engage in CNC. I think people forget that the first C stands for consensual. I also think people (especially here) want to jump into something without proper negotiation ahead of time.

I wouldn't participate in CNC with a stranger but I certainly wouldn't kink shame someone who does. I'm responsible for my own risk profile, my play partner's risk profile, and not anyone else's.

Well said

[Ja****]

Sure, let me get right on that. Thanx for your donation of time m. I always appreciate a good Thera pointing things out I had no clue existed. I wonder how you guys separate personal projection and reality, amazing

[Ja****]

20 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

the thread you're refering to

the problem wasn't CNC.  The problem was it was sprung on the other person without any prior discussion on what it was, what it looked like, and what they were both happy with.  CNC isn't something you just do on a whim.

The other issue on that thread if that one person said no to engaging in it, at that point, and the other person didn't respect that no.   

But also, this post has nothing to do with that. Check the comments section of that post though or how op on that post said he would never cnc on a first date “for obvious reasons”. Is that not kink shaming?

[Da****]

2 hours ago, JamesLoveBites said:

But also, this post has nothing to do with that. Check the comments section of that post though or how op on that post said he would never cnc on a first date “for obvious reasons”. Is that not kink shaming?

No that’s not kink shaming that’s setting a boundary and that is perfectly okay for someone to have. CNC takes a whole lot of trust in the person you’re going to play with so having that kind of boundary isn’t wrong. The last time I had someone ask if I was into CNC and I told them it wasn’t my thing and was asked why is it not i told them straight up why which is because i was a victim of *** and dv and was told that i should be into it because of that, that to me is not a safe person on top of the fact he wouldn’t leave it alone. Setting a boundary is not kink shaming but shaming someone for setting a boundary isn’t any better

[ey****]

4 hours ago, JamesLoveBites said:

if you’re playing HAVE A SAFEWORD or three

if there's a safeword (or three) then it's not CNC

why do so many people get this wrong.  

I know there's assorted folk who think CNC and just think "r*pe play" but while there is overlap they're different things.  Which probably ties in with the point of conversation. 

[ey****]

4 hours ago, JamesLoveBites said:

he would never cnc on a first date “for obvious reasons”. Is that not kink shaming?

no.

But you are shaming him for saying no.

That IS kink shaming.

[Slats]

4 hours ago, JamesLoveBites said:

But also, this post has nothing to do with that. Check the comments section of that post though or how op on that post said he would never cnc on a first date “for obvious reasons”. Is that not kink shaming?

Ummm, I don't see how that is kink shaming. It sounds like a rational precaution to me.

[FE****]

MODERATOR NOTE:

I have tidied the thread and removed various inappropriate comments.

Keep to the topic and avoid personal insults.

[Gr****]

I am genuinely open to anything. I think the point off this community is to respect we are all different and all have different wants / needs. People are entitled to there opinions but if they cant deliver them politely they shouldn't say anything at all.

[Wo****]

Lots of valid points all through these responses, CNC being "spring" on someone, is absolutely unacceptable. I see that on every adult oriented site, these days, they are becoming incredibly overrun with vanilla members, looking for unrealistic qualities, bold statements that they know what they bring to the table and through their attitudes, so does any casual observer. I believe it is in large part cultural, and a tic toc type mindset.
When in reality, these people are not "reading the room" in a community they have no understanding of. They are coming to these sights out of desperation because of their lack of success in finding people who "tick off" their delusional check list on all the other apps. People have lost the ability to see their own faults. It's easier to scapegoat and judge than taking a good long look in the mirror. When Tinder, and AFF began looking like match.***, the writing was on the wall....lol
Cis gendered, vanilla oriented people are especially hit hard by this societal change, and the worst behaved offenders it appears to me. Of course, this is a wide brush to ***t with, and I'm not denigrating that part of the community. I'm primarily cis focused, myself but the men and comments I see, are clueless and crude, and the women are the typical type focused on their wants, and expect the men to buy into their idea that just they themselves are the prize , just by their proximity.