Shame on you

[Ja****]

October 16, DarkCherry28 said:

No that’s not kink shaming that’s setting a boundary and that is perfectly okay for someone to have. CNC takes a whole lot of trust in the person you’re going to play with so having that kind of boundary isn’t wrong. The last time I had someone ask if I was into CNC and I told them it wasn’t my thing and was asked why is it not i told them straight up why which is because i was a victim of *** and dv and was told that i should be into it because of that, that to me is not a safe person on top of the fact he wouldn’t leave it alone. Setting a boundary is not kink shaming but shaming someone for setting a boundary isn’t any better

Nobody said anything about setting boundaries or people or not sitting boundaries

[Ja****]

October 16, Slats said:

Ummm, I don't see how that is kink shaming. It sounds like a rational precaution to me.

What??? Hard nos and yeses are supposed to be discussed before meeting anyone off the site in my opinion. I genuinely don’t understand what you’re commenting on though cause it doesn’t make any sense from what I wrote, please explain. 

[Ja****]

October 16, eyemblacksheep said:

if there's a safeword (or three) then it's not CNC

why do so many people get this wrong.  

I know there's assorted folk who think CNC and just think "r*pe play" but while there is overlap they're different things.  Which probably ties in with the point of conversation. 

I don’t know what you’re getting your information but that is a definite red flag for you think that. That would be NC not CNC my friend 

[Ja****]

October 16, eyemblacksheep said:

no.

But you are shaming him for saying no.

That IS kink shaming.

Where did I shame him for saying no??? I only brought up the fact that they never discussed hard no’s prior to meeting up

[Ja****]

October 16, DarkCherry28 said:

No that’s not kink shaming that’s setting a boundary and that is perfectly okay for someone to have. CNC takes a whole lot of trust in the person you’re going to play with so having that kind of boundary isn’t wrong. The last time I had someone ask if I was into CNC and I told them it wasn’t my thing and was asked why is it not i told them straight up why which is because i was a victim of *** and dv and was told that i should be into it because of that, that to me is not a safe person on top of the fact he wouldn’t leave it alone. Setting a boundary is not kink shaming but shaming someone for setting a boundary isn’t any better

It’s Kink shaming to say that they wouldn’t do that for obvious reasons

[Ja****]

October 15, unlikelylad said:

Perhaps this is just text-to-s***ch not bringing your point across properly, and obviously we don't know exactly what posts you're talking about and there may be nuances to those you haven't brough across, but I feel as though there's a *big* conceptual difference between the two scenarios you're complaining about that hasn't really been drawn out in comments to date.

Completely agree about the kink shaming part, there was a pretty egregious example of that recently, as has been mentioned, and it was shut down hard, and quite right too.

But I'm afraid saying you're annoyed about people "complaining about someone springing CNC on them on the first date" is victim blaming. If someone "springs CNC on you" then they don't understand the relevance of what the first C in CNC stands for. Which I hope we can all agree is frightening, whether or not we're into CNC as individuals.

Sure the sub could have protected themselves better by expressing their limits more clearly in advance, but that's like saying someone wearing a miniskirt is asking for it. It is implicit in what you've said that they're a new inexperienced sub exploring a world new to them, so if they haven't got the knowledge or confidence to express themselves better yet, it's 110% the dom's responsibility to check in with them super carefully beforehand and not just make assumptions about what energy they should be bringing to their first scene. In fact who cares how experienced the sub is, "spring on" is not a verb that should be used in the same sentence as CNC, period. The victim has every damn right to complain here about their experience - and/or to relevant authorities IMHO.

I wasn’t saying I was annoyed with someone not being privy to anything m. I said they messed up by not going over each others boundaries prior to meeting irl from this app

[Ja****]

October 15, Goodbicpl said:

Totally agree that all the kink sites are being flooded by Vanillas to use it as a vanilla dating site then act surprised when kink comes into it.

Don’t know why they’re here. And then there’s this kinky gifts thing that stops things like spanks and messaging to get peoples attention blocked by these so called messaging filters. We’ve complained to site owners that the site is going down hill rapidly

Interesting, I have a problem with kink shaming and people not setting boundaries prior to meeting in irl and in my opinion we should all be mad and worried about this but that’s a red flag for me if it doesn’t upset you tbh. I’ll go get some fresh air now though

[Ja****]

October 15, nikmac said:

If i dont understand a particular kink (thats rare lol) then I simply scroll on. Ive had so many fakers in my inbox that seem to think that im just into one off fks and that "you can call me sir" just so they can get laid without consequence they seem to think because im kinky im into one night stands. There are those that have spent literally weeks building conversation talking limits etc just to try their luck and disappear. Im lucky to have found my Dom and yes I found him here as well as a few amazing friends that we can all talk freely without judgement.
Its sad we have to learn to filter out the idiots but to be fair on any side of dating site you have to learn the skill of selection anyway.
I do not discuss CNC unless Im in a committed dynamic as that sort of play must be within a solid trustworthy dynamic. Not a conversation for early play IMO

I agree but some people are into that and that’s their right as long as both parties have given consent prior in my opinion

[Ja****]

October 15, Starbucket said:

James, I don't feel attacked in the slightest. Nothing I said even remotely reflects that. But its obvious that you have gone through something that is troubling you. Perhaps you should address it with the FET. Team and get their opinion on said troubles. Be safe and have a great day.

So then why attack me?

[Da****]

1 hour ago, JamesLoveBites said:

It’s Kink shaming to say that they wouldn’t do that for obvious reasons

How is that kink shaming? So is me telling someone who is into CNC who approaches me wanting to do CNC who makes it very clear what they’re after in that CNC that it’s not my thing for obvious reasons me shaming them for a kink? Because i don’t know what your DMs look like but i’ve had a good handful of people who were into CNC approach me tell me what they’re looking for and i’ve told them simply it’s not my thing and then when they don’t take that simple answer and they keep pushing they’re going to get a not so nice answer. Now i’ve only had one person who actually approached me differently and actually made me a little curious about it but not enough to be willing to try it.

[Ja****]

October 14, rosalicious said:

If someone says no to what you want and you keep pushing them for it, that's not okay. It's not kink shaming, it's the need for consent.

I completely agree. Also, they should probably discuss boundaries and what they want prior to meeting up, don’t you agree??

[Ja****]

October 14, ChameleonLady said:

I don't entirely understand your question, likely due to the run-on sentence in the middle. Would you mind clarifying?

Read it again. If you see the grammatical error then I’m sure you can understand the quest if not, I’m totally fine with breaking it down in an even simpler dialogue

[Ja****]

7 hours ago, DarkCherry28 said:

How is that kink shaming? So is me telling someone who is into CNC who approaches me wanting to do CNC who makes it very clear what they’re after in that CNC that it’s not my thing for obvious reasons me shaming them for a kink? Because i don’t know what your DMs look like but i’ve had a good handful of people who were into CNC approach me tell me what they’re looking for and i’ve told them simply it’s not my thing and then when they don’t take that simple answer and they keep pushing they’re going to get a not so nice answer. Now i’ve only had one person who actually approached me differently and actually made me a little curious about it but not enough to be willing to try it.

What are the obvious reasons??? Saying that makes people feel like they should be ashamed for obvious reasons because they do like it

[Ja****]

7 hours ago, DarkCherry28 said:

How is that kink shaming? So is me telling someone who is into CNC who approaches me wanting to do CNC who makes it very clear what they’re after in that CNC that it’s not my thing for obvious reasons me shaming them for a kink? Because i don’t know what your DMs look like but i’ve had a good handful of people who were into CNC approach me tell me what they’re looking for and i’ve told them simply it’s not my thing and then when they don’t take that simple answer and they keep pushing they’re going to get a not so nice answer. Now i’ve only had one person who actually approached me differently and actually made me a little curious about it but not enough to be willing to try it.

The op and the person they met up with should’ve discussed boundaries and what they wanted before meeting in irl for obvious reasons

[ey****]

4 hours ago, JamesLoveBites said:

 

The op and the person they met up with should’ve discussed boundaries and what they wanted before meeting in irl for obvious reasons

yes, that's right.

That's the point

They had discussed.   CNC was not brought up prior

It was then brought up during play/sex - and the other person (rightfully) said no.

[Ja****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yes, that's right.

That's the point

They had discussed.   CNC was not brought up prior

It was then brought up during play/sex - and the other person (rightfully) said no.

Because they never discussed boundaries or intentions  They had not discussed anything from what I read

[ey****]

2 hours ago, JamesLoveBites said:

Because they never discussed boundaries or intentions  They had not discussed anything from what I read

yep, in which case it was then not the time or place for the other person to raise CNC - and the OP there was right to say no, which was the point. And was right to double down on the no when the other person pushed it.

I guess some things is that whatever pre-discussions happen, they're not exhaustive.  There is rarely a perfect pre-discussion. But certainly the other person should have made a point of raising CNC if that's what they wanted.  There was no reason for the OP to go "by the way, this is a boundary" cos boundaries are very much non exhaustive

The other thing is - it is an idea which is often nice, but - I dunno, straw scenario. Someone gets chatting to someone on here, they feel they're on the same page - like the text book thing is to chat more, meet for coffee a few times, then maybe play - but the reality is far from text book.  Two people hit it off over coffee and someone is like "look, we could go back to mine if you like" the other person is going to be a yes or no, not a "we first need to go through several pages of discussion of what a coffee at your place entails" 

 

[Ja****]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yep, in which case it was then not the time or place for the other person to raise CNC - and the OP there was right to say no, which was the point. And was right to double down on the no when the other person pushed it.

I guess some things is that whatever pre-discussions happen, they're not exhaustive.  There is rarely a perfect pre-discussion. But certainly the other person should have made a point of raising CNC if that's what they wanted.  There was no reason for the OP to go "by the way, this is a boundary" cos boundaries are very much non exhaustive

The other thing is - it is an idea which is often nice, but - I dunno, straw scenario. Someone gets chatting to someone on here, they feel they're on the same page - like the text book thing is to chat more, meet for coffee a few times, then maybe play - but the reality is far from text book.  Two people hit it off over coffee and someone is like "look, we could go back to mine if you like" the other person is going to be a yes or no, not a "we first need to go through several pages of discussion of what a coffee at your place entails" 

 

That I can agree with except I’m 30 years into Domming and I don’t ever hear about a non-full disclosure of desires during a “pre-discussion”