Recover from a Bad Experience

[Lo****]

This is a question for impact play subs
How do you cope in the aftermath of bad engagement?
Some context: I met with someone for about an hour prior to the evening where everything went wrong. We talked about my experiences (or lack thereof regarding impact). I shared info about my body's sensitivity, things I don't like, and what my hard limits are. They shared some of their experiences with me and settled my nerves some when they told me how long they have been in the lifestyle... 20+ years... so that, along with having met them through a close mutual friend, left me feeling pretty confident that I was going to be in good hands.
How wrong I was.
The rope was great. Loved the rope. It was the severity of the impact. For the first few I was in a bit of shock. As it continued I was trying to get my brain to function around my restriction of movement, attempting to convey that it was too intense but had difficulty speaking past a gag.
Now, at this point, you would think someone with 20+ years experience would be able to read body language. Nope. They just told me that shaking my head isn't a safeword and continued.
Finally I was able to push my voice out. He stopped. Untied me. Then brought me back home.

I am having a rough time sitting here in the aftermath of my first experience with impact play. Is there anyone else who has had an experience like this? How did you move forward? And not let the experience poison future endeavors?
As if I didn't already have difficulties trusting people. My regression has kicked into overdrive.

[pu****]

um… consent can change at any time. you expressed you were uncomfortable with what was happening. he is not someone safe that should be working with any sub.

[Ginger1741]

WOW, I am so sorry for you x.
Read something here a couple of days ago, regarding sensory deprivation, and it raised the issue of someone having a gag and not being able to use a safe word… the one major thing I took from that was a comment from someone with far more experience than me (not difficult), was along the lines of have something in your hand, such as a coin, and by dropping it, that is your safe word… thought that was brilliant. Obviously a bit late for your recently negative experience, but something to move forward with. Oh, great pics by the way… Take care x

[Lovingcouple1980]

Ouch I'm sorry to hear that you got a false dom he should have been able to read you body language he should have talked you through your first time and a gag shouldnt have been involved unless you both agreed to it.
Then in that cause I ask my subs or play partner to give me a hand gesture to simulate their stop word and lasts a nod in your cause or bad sounds definitely meant stop I'm glade it didn't go completely wrong for you and that it only went their.
My advice talk safty measures a bit more and if any red flags appear don't play with them because it's as much about your pleasure as theirs and I'm a Dom with only 5 years exp and I know that

[Lovingcouple1980]

Oh I also forgot to say none of that was on you that was all on the Dom I don't want you to think it was your fault at all

[Dr****]

As a Dom it should never happen, but unfortunately does when you get inexperienced or narcissistic players. And I am sorry it happened to you.
If this dom is part of a local community or goes to Munchs let the organisers know, if it was a 121 meet its difficult, but you can spread the word on here or FL, nobody should feel unsafe in this community.

[Sh****]

This is why I prefer not to have anything in my mouth during any type of sensory or impact play. Blindfolded sure... Nothing at all that will prevent me from speaking. Communication is so important.
First, aftercare for yourself. Give yourself time to process, rest, do things for yourself that mKe you feel good. The movies, the ice cream or snacks, the extra skin care...whatever that looks like... Take time...Think about the lesson you can learn from this situation. Second, closure. If you are comfortable, go back to this Dominant and have a conversation about what happened. It's not just the bottom or sub that learns from an experience. He won't learn or grow from this if you don't use your voice.
Regardless of what he says, what you experienced is valid. It's not a debate, and if he is mature he will understand and respect that.

[Ge****]

That definitely doesn't sound like someone with experience, or their experience is taking advantage of people. The catch-22 of gagging you and demanding a safeword is abusive; when I gag I always put something in the hands they can drop in lieu of a safeword, I believe that's standard practice.

My first experience with impact was also mixed and it's been tricky moving forward from it. I found it helpful to get some books on BDSM and immerse myself into learning more and identifying values, besides that therapy and friend support.

[BatshivaVonDangerous]

Hi, I am sorry that you had this experience. Happy to have support you- drop me a DM X

[cum4meSlowly]

Sorry for this bad experience. I suggest you find another submissive you can chat to. Hope your next experience is better and not more red flags 🚩

[Li****]

I agree with GenuineBeam this was someone without experience or abusing people. I would definitely bring this to someone's attention.

First an experienced person who actually knows what they are doing would likely never do anything in addition to the impact play for 2 reasons. First this was the first time you bottomed with this person, an experienced person would be careful of pushing past a basic minimum with someone new. Second this was your first experience with any impact.

Restrictions on your body and ability to speak then demanding a safe word nothing to drop from your hand and not doing a check in and removing your gag when you were struggling definitely sounds like an abusive sadist hiding in a community.

My best advice is learn more and talk to more people. Possibly talk to a bdsm friendly therapist also if you wish to try again in go to a local dungeon. They have more safety protocols and many have a night to try new things with trusted community members. Also stay away from private sessions at someone's house you don't know well. You can always have a session in a much safer environment until you know them.

[ul****]

I’m sorry this happened to you. Sadly, there are so many predatory people within this community. They know the right things to say and how to put you at ease. You were taken advantage of, this was ***, and this was not your fault. Some people are just sick and that’s the unfortunate truth.

Give yourself time before you decide to try again. As much time as you need. When and if you do try again, more communication about boundaries beforehand. It’s ok to move slowly. Personally, I need someone to show me he can be trusted in little ways before we build up to serious impact. For me, that means starting with less sensitive body parts, hands only (no objects), no restraints or gags. Let him learn your body, inflection, communication style.

I’ve learned the hard way as well, some people want to do things “with” you and some people want to do things “to” you. Moving slowly with people will help you spot the difference.

[ja****]

Yes, I had a similar experience and never trusted him again, still don't. I have learnt that in this lifestyle there are so many guys claiming to be experienced but in actual fact they are ***rs, control freaks or just mental.

You did nothing wrong, take time out and learn from this experience what you would do differently. Even though you voiced it next time don't allow anyone to cover all your senses at once till trust is built.

Unfortunately, there are way too many fake Doms, and hou just don't know. Stay safe, love yourself first and know that he is the dickhead 🫶🏾

[Ha****]

@LostLittle I'm so sorry, that your pkay partners in this case were such assholes (I don't know how to call them otherwise) :(

[yo****]

Why was it bad because bad Dom?

[ge****]

Did you tell him that you liked high-severity impact play? Was that not the premise from his perspective? It is possible this guy is just terrible and that is what everyone here is going to say... but you should also think about whether it is possible that he genuinely understood that that was what you wanted... a feeling of being out of control... severe impact play (***)... elements of cnc (which is why you had a prenegotiated safe word)... ***...

I think you need to be honest about relying on "body language" in such a situation where part of whole the turn on such scenes might be such body language (eg struggling against rope). Using a gag when you are largely relying on a safe word when it is your first encounter is obviously a mismatch. In my own practice, I rarely use a gag until pretty far into the relationship after I have gained a strong confidence in what my submissive loves and I can see through the external body language but there are some exceptions where I feel that the signals are clear enough that the submissive wants that. Recently I used a gag but didn't fasten it which is a good in-between. Is it possible that he was under the impression that you wanted to be gagged and ***? That you wanted *** and high severity impact play and bruising... Is that not a main element of such forms of play? One way you could have mitigated that was to say no to the gag until you felt that your dynamic was ready for it. You could have used the safe word right when the gag came out.

I am not excusing him of anything if he exceeded boundaries on purpose and is truly "bad" but Dominants are also human and can be misled or mistaken... the illusion and fantasy is that they are all powerful and all knowing but of course they are subject to error and some element of accepting their imperfection is important because otherwise would be simpler inhumane.

There are risks in such play. This you must acknowledge and you must mitigate and both sides carry responsibility in mitigating and communicating. This is a thrilling lifestyle not unlike racecar driving or something like that. You have to mitigate the risks and there are multiple parties who are responsible for mitigating the risks.

I am a big fan of reflecting on your practice and what you can do to make your practice better for you. If there are areas where you could have communicated better or been more mindful about what you were really ready for, then learn from those. If there were elements that you liked (the rope, the impact maybe a bit less severe) don't forget to also focus on that and the parts of your practice that you love.

I hope this helps and you should know that bad experiences can happen on both sides and hopefully the good far outweighs the bad and you will continue to thrive in your practice.

[Ju****]

That sounds really horrible. I'm really sorry to hear about this. I really hope you well in your recovery!

[bu****]

lol yet your profile says all kinds
Of rough stuff don’t stop ect

[Sy****]

Good god, that is horrible. Im so sorry to hear that. He absolutely should have removed the ball and checked on you and allowed you to voice your discontent.

[Re****]

You should not have been gagged for a first time session. Thats ridiculous. When you shook your head he should have checked in with you removing the gag. Sorry you went through that. Thats a bad dom.

[Dadbod-7035]

Sounds like you don’t like things you think you like

[Sy****]

1 hour ago, gentleman_in_nyc said:

Did you tell him that you liked high-severity impact play? Was that not the premise from his perspective? It is possible this guy is just terrible and that is what everyone here is going to say... but you should also think about whether it is possible that he genuinely understood that that was what you wanted... a feeling of being out of control... severe impact play (***)... elements of cnc (which is why you had a prenegotiated safe word)... ***...

I think you need to be honest about relying on "body language" in such a situation where part of whole the turn on such scenes might be such body language (eg struggling against rope). Using a gag when you are largely relying on a safe word when it is your first encounter is obviously a mismatch. In my own practice, I rarely use a gag until pretty far into the relationship after I have gained a strong confidence in what my submissive loves and I can see through the external body language but there are some exceptions where I feel that the signals are clear enough that the submissive wants that. Recently I used a gag but didn't fasten it which is a good in-between. Is it possible that he was under the impression that you wanted to be gagged and ***? That you wanted *** and high severity impact play and bruising... Is that not a main element of such forms of play? One way you could have mitigated that was to say no to the gag until you felt that your dynamic was ready for it. You could have used the safe word right when the gag came out.

I am not excusing him of anything if he exceeded boundaries on purpose and is truly "bad" but Dominants are also human and can be misled or mistaken... the illusion and fantasy is that they are all powerful and all knowing but of course they are subject to error and some element of accepting their imperfection is important because otherwise would be simpler inhumane.

There are risks in such play. This you must acknowledge and you must mitigate and both sides carry responsibility in mitigating and communicating. This is a thrilling lifestyle not unlike racecar driving or something like that. You have to mitigate the risks and there are multiple parties who are responsible for mitigating the risks.

I am a big fan of reflecting on your practice and what you can do to make your practice better for you. If there are areas where you could have communicated better or been more mindful about what you were really ready for, then learn from those. If there were elements that you liked (the rope, the impact maybe a bit less severe) don't forget to also focus on that and the parts of your practice that you love.

I hope this helps and you should know that bad experiences can happen on both sides and hopefully the good far outweighs the bad and you will continue to thrive in your practice.

Did you just pretend like she didn't say she shared her limits and sensitivity?

[Lo****]

2 hours ago, gentleman_in_nyc said:

Did you tell him that you liked high-severity impact play? Was that not the premise from his perspective? It is possible this guy is just terrible and that is what everyone here is going to say... but you should also think about whether it is possible that he genuinely understood that that was what you wanted... a feeling of being out of control... severe impact play (***)... elements of cnc (which is why you had a prenegotiated safe word)... ***...

I think you need to be honest about relying on "body language" in such a situation where part of whole the turn on such scenes might be such body language (eg struggling against rope). Using a gag when you are largely relying on a safe word when it is your first encounter is obviously a mismatch. In my own practice, I rarely use a gag until pretty far into the relationship after I have gained a strong confidence in what my submissive loves and I can see through the external body language but there are some exceptions where I feel that the signals are clear enough that the submissive wants that. Recently I used a gag but didn't fasten it which is a good in-between. Is it possible that he was under the impression that you wanted to be gagged and ***? That you wanted *** and high severity impact play and bruising... Is that not a main element of such forms of play? One way you could have mitigated that was to say no to the gag until you felt that your dynamic was ready for it. You could have used the safe word right when the gag came out.

I am not excusing him of anything if he exceeded boundaries on purpose and is truly "bad" but Dominants are also human and can be misled or mistaken... the illusion and fantasy is that they are all powerful and all knowing but of course they are subject to error and some element of accepting their imperfection is important because otherwise would be simpler inhumane.

There are risks in such play. This you must acknowledge and you must mitigate and both sides carry responsibility in mitigating and communicating. This is a thrilling lifestyle not unlike racecar driving or something like that. You have to mitigate the risks and there are multiple parties who are responsible for mitigating the risks.

I am a big fan of reflecting on your practice and what you can do to make your practice better for you. If there are areas where you could have communicated better or been more mindful about what you were really ready for, then learn from those. If there were elements that you liked (the rope, the impact maybe a bit less severe) don't forget to also focus on that and the parts of your practice that you love.

I hope this helps and you should know that bad experiences can happen on both sides and hopefully the good far outweighs the bad and you will continue to thrive in your practice.

This is why the whole thing is affecting me the way it is. They knew very well that I was not familiar in ANY sense with impact play. That this would be a FIRST for me.
Is it not common sense to test someones *** threshold? Start light, then gradually intensify. That is what I was expecting. For someone who does not know my body, At All, it was reckless at the very least to start off how they did. They claim that they were only at about a 4/10.... but that is what they perceive a 4 to be.... I perceived it at an 8/10. Regardless of the difference in perception, he should have started at a ONE and not at a four.
They were told prior to our meeting that night that I am fairly sensitive and I dont have a high *** tolerance, but I was wanting to explore and willing to try things.
I was very much into it, until it was introduced to me at such a high intensity, beyond my capabilities, right out the gate.
Imagine someone curious about e-stim being hooked up, then jacking the machine up to the highest level right after turning it on rather than starting at a low setting.
When trying a butt plug for the first time, you don't insert one that is going to rip going in, you start small.

[Lo****]

2 hours ago, burnttoast213 said:

lol yet your profile says all kinds
Of rough stuff don’t stop ect

Nowhere on my profile does it say I like intense impact play though, does it.
Sure, I like rough sex.
That doesn't mean that I'm into being caned, repeatedly, in the same spot, much harder than I can handle.
HUGE difference.

[Adam2034]

If you are gagged, you need another another way of expressing the safe word. Constant blinking is one way.