Recover from a Bad Experience

[ge****]

2 hours ago, Sylver13 said:

Did you just pretend like she didn't say she shared her limits and sensitivity?

It is pretty obvious from this and your previous comments that you are looking for someone to antagonize and argue with and for ways to make yourself feel righteous. It is also clear from your latest comment that your apparent need to do so has gotten in the way of your comprehension of the points that were made and I am not going to entertain arguing with you or at all validate your incorrectly reduced interpretation.

Your comments of immediate flight-to-the-poor-defenseless-submissive-wronged and your apparent hero complex is not nearly as compassionate as you seem to think, and I am betting that there are others here that see through it just as well as I do. At worst, your comments here are enabling and at best they are empty and unhelpful to the practice and lifestyle. Just saying things like "Good god, that is horrible"... "I am so sorry" ... and "He absolutely should have..." and then devolving any measured, thoughtful points through reductionist misrepresented absolutes in a clear attempt to antagonize and draw a target into an argument is classic violent communications tactics. Furthermore, it doesn't at all address what the post was actually asking for, which if you take an honest look you will realize you seem to have completely missed and have not meaningfully contributed to at all... which (shocker) was not asking for an argument around falsely assumed absolutes but rather some real practical advise and input into how to process scenes that didn't go as hoped, how to interpret it, and learn from it in a mature in a real manner that enables this person to continue to improve and grow within the practice.

This lifestyle and set of practices is highly nuanced and it strives to be more than taking-sides. Are you sure this is the right community for you and are you sure that you are really up to making meaningful contributions within it? If not, there are plenty of other communities out there that are all about having highly reductionist and polarized discourse.

I am going to respectfully ask you to refrain from any further attempts at reducing measured points of mine or others as well as any direct or implied antagonization aimed at drawing me or others into an argument with you. Thanks.

[Adam2034]

There’s no excuse for someone going at it full pelt without even knowing your limit. It’s better to leave the submissive wanting more the next time. And you do that by working up you don’t go all out from the off. There is no excuse for that. Other than they were not put in the submissive first, which every real Dom does.

[ge****]

2 hours ago, LostLittIe said:

This is why the whole thing is affecting me the way it is. They knew very well that I was not familiar in ANY sense with impact play. That this would be a FIRST for me.
Is it not common sense to test someones *** threshold? Start light, then gradually intensify. That is what I was expecting. For someone who does not know my body, At All, it was reckless at the very least to start off how they did. They claim that they were only at about a 4/10.... but that is what they perceive a 4 to be.... I perceived it at an 8/10. Regardless of the difference in perception, he should have started at a ONE and not at a four.
They were told prior to our meeting that night that I am fairly sensitive and I dont have a high *** tolerance, but I was wanting to explore and willing to try things.
I was very much into it, until it was introduced to me at such a high intensity, beyond my capabilities, right out the gate.
Imagine someone curious about e-stim being hooked up, then jacking the machine up to the highest level right after turning it on rather than starting at a low setting.
When trying a butt plug for the first time, you don't insert one that is going to rip going in, you start small.

Thanks for the clarification and I do understand. At the same time, I am sure that you can acknowledge that many submissives do get off on exactly that kind of thing (eg caning in the same spot over and over...).

Where we all can sit here and point to what he did wrong, your original post specifically asks what you can do to process it and what you can do to avoid it poisoning future encounters.

There are two patterns here that I think that you can take away, neither of which work well in a bdsm practice:

1) There is a pattern where several things were combined at the same time, each of which you consented to individually but that once combined created an environment that led to the bad experience. I know that in my practice, I adopt a policy of introducing new elements one at a time so that I can assess, control, understand, and develop a sixth sense of what my submissive is feeling and what turns her on.

I would recommend when working with a new Dom, start with something that you know you like (eg rough sex) and make sure that goes well. Then next time (or if it's going very well even in the same session) consent to one additional thing and make sure that it goes well... that he is learning to do that one thing well with you and that you like it... And so on and so forth. For example, you could do rough sex while gagged but you would not be tied up (and no *** implements). Or you could do rough sex while tied up but not gagged and again no implements. Or you could do impact play with an implement but not be tied or gagged. Even within each of these options, consider taking it one at a time have your hands tied first then try having your hands and feet tied, start with one implement before progressing to the next, etc... In any case, you are taking things that you know you like and you are consenting to one additional thing that you want...

2) There appears to also be a pattern of wanting to rely on implicit communications (eg body language, what seems sensible, what would be "normal" in a bdsm setting). This kind of thing is very problematic in bdsm.

When I say "consenting" above it sounds like you are allowing what he proposes. While "consent" is obviously a requirement it is not something to strive for (that would be like saying that the key to success is to just not violate the laws). It is much much better to be desire driven and take control of your practice by very specifically telling him exactly what you want. I cannot overemphasize the value of this and how this is perhaps the largest part of the practice and the exact muscle to strengthen the most. This can be a very arousing part of the buildup phase where you are interacting in ways that build up both of your desires while creating mutual safety which itself is a turn on without ever having to be out of character. Specificity ends up increasing the turn-on during the build up because it gives meaning to the acts to come and it creates safety for both. This is kind of build up play is what can transcend to make even the slightest or most minimal bdsm acts or the most severe and radical be overwhelmingly wonderful and exciting. Concepts like "Impact Play" is far too general and a cane is far too advanced to start with (it is pretty high up there at the top of the *** chart for impact play). Impact play is something for you to study internally, learn about impact play and where to start, then in your interaction, dont recite "impact play theory" but state specifically what you want... for example that you want to be paddled... and even buy the exact paddle that you want used or tell him that you want him to get a paddle for you and ask him if he has any paddles that he has in mind.... you can literally make shopping for the paddle I to part of your play... So specifically tell the new Dom what it is that you want and use playful roleplay for doing so. Non-specificity and passiveness from a submissive is a red flag that I would advise Dominants to be on the lookout for because it also leads to poor experiences for them.

This is one of the most important lessons for submissives which can be counterintuitive but that the more the submissive drives the dynamic by developing and explicitly communicating their own fantasies, the safer and more erotic it is for both parties. Many mistake submission with playing a passive role and this is simply incorrect or at the very least is highly limited in that it increases the risks while decreasing the pleasure and meaning. The Dominant leading is a fantasy and illusion that is enabled by the submissive being active and driving the interaction by explicitly stating her ardent desires in ways that build them and develop them. The notion of a Dominant having to guess is obviously flawed but also turning the entire engagement into a burden that the Dominant has to do the submissives work for them by finding every limit etc is tedious and virtually every Dominant has had poor experiences where we put up with it... but it is not enjoyable and it is all too common and it even leaves many Dominants embittered... it desensitizes them (because their submissives weren't sensitive to them at all) and it can wear their patience thin which again is not at all good for the practice.

This is where again I double down on the point of focusing on what you liked. You say that you loved the rope. Then focus on describing to your next Dom exactly what you want... No implied anything is needed here... in fact the more specific and explicit, greater the turn on. For example, that you want to have your hands tied in front of you so that you can only touch his c**k and so that he can slowly and sensually take advantage of you until he is rough fucking you in your "***" state... Again, you are fantasy building and you are telling him exactly what your fantasy is... exactly what you want... exactly what you want him to do.

This practice is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage and devotion and I think that you will find that submissives and Dominants have all had bad experiences but hopefully you will make this make your practice better and can even be a part of your personal growth as well. Wishing you luck and the best of experiences ahead.

[Lo****]

2 hours ago, gentleman_in_nyc said:

Thanks for the clarification and I do understand. At the same time, I am sure that you can acknowledge that many submissives do get off on exactly that kind of thing (eg caning in the same spot over and over...).

Where we all can sit here and point to what he did wrong, your original post specifically asks what you can do to process it and what you can do to avoid it poisoning future encounters.

There are two patterns here that I think that you can take away, neither of which work well in a bdsm practice:

1) There is a pattern where several things were combined at the same time, each of which you consented to individually but that once combined created an environment that led to the bad experience. I know that in my practice, I adopt a policy of introducing new elements one at a time so that I can assess, control, understand, and develop a sixth sense of what my submissive is feeling and what turns her on.

I would recommend when working with a new Dom, start with something that you know you like (eg rough sex) and make sure that goes well. Then next time (or if it's going very well even in the same session) consent to one additional thing and make sure that it goes well... that he is learning to do that one thing well with you and that you like it... And so on and so forth. For example, you could do rough sex while gagged but you would not be tied up (and no *** implements). Or you could do rough sex while tied up but not gagged and again no implements. Or you could do impact play with an implement but not be tied or gagged. Even within each of these options, consider taking it one at a time have your hands tied first then try having your hands and feet tied, start with one implement before progressing to the next, etc... In any case, you are taking things that you know you like and you are consenting to one additional thing that you want...

2) There appears to also be a pattern of wanting to rely on implicit communications (eg body language, what seems sensible, what would be "normal" in a bdsm setting). This kind of thing is very problematic in bdsm.

When I say "consenting" above it sounds like you are allowing what he proposes. While "consent" is obviously a requirement it is not something to strive for (that would be like saying that the key to success is to just not violate the laws). It is much much better to be desire driven and take control of your practice by very specifically telling him exactly what you want. I cannot overemphasize the value of this and how this is perhaps the largest part of the practice and the exact muscle to strengthen the most. This can be a very arousing part of the buildup phase where you are interacting in ways that build up both of your desires while creating mutual safety which itself is a turn on without ever having to be out of character. Specificity ends up increasing the turn-on during the build up because it gives meaning to the acts to come and it creates safety for both. This is kind of build up play is what can transcend to make even the slightest or most minimal bdsm acts or the most severe and radical be overwhelmingly wonderful and exciting. Concepts like "Impact Play" is far too general and a cane is far too advanced to start with (it is pretty high up there at the top of the *** chart for impact play). Impact play is something for you to study internally, learn about impact play and where to start, then in your interaction, dont recite "impact play theory" but state specifically what you want... for example that you want to be paddled... and even buy the exact paddle that you want used or tell him that you want him to get a paddle for you and ask him if he has any paddles that he has in mind.... you can literally make shopping for the paddle I to part of your play... So specifically tell the new Dom what it is that you want and use playful roleplay for doing so. Non-specificity and passiveness from a submissive is a red flag that I would advise Dominants to be on the lookout for because it also leads to poor experiences for them.

This is one of the most important lessons for submissives which can be counterintuitive but that the more the submissive drives the dynamic by developing and explicitly communicating their own fantasies, the safer and more erotic it is for both parties. Many mistake submission with playing a passive role and this is simply incorrect or at the very least is highly limited in that it increases the risks while decreasing the pleasure and meaning. The Dominant leading is a fantasy and illusion that is enabled by the submissive being active and driving the interaction by explicitly stating her ardent desires in ways that build them and develop them. The notion of a Dominant having to guess is obviously flawed but also turning the entire engagement into a burden that the Dominant has to do the submissives work for them by finding every limit etc is tedious and virtually every Dominant has had poor experiences where we put up with it... but it is not enjoyable and it is all too common and it even leaves many Dominants embittered... it desensitizes them (because their submissives weren't sensitive to them at all) and it can wear their patience thin which again is not at all good for the practice.

This is where again I double down on the point of focusing on what you liked. You say that you loved the rope. Then focus on describing to your next Dom exactly what you want... No implied anything is needed here... in fact the more specific and explicit, greater the turn on. For example, that you want to have your hands tied in front of you so that you can only touch his c**k and so that he can slowly and sensually take advantage of you until he is rough fucking you in your "***" state... Again, you are fantasy building and you are telling him exactly what your fantasy is... exactly what you want... exactly what you want him to do.

This practice is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage and devotion and I think that you will find that submissives and Dominants have all had bad experiences but hopefully you will make this make your practice better and can even be a part of your personal growth as well. Wishing you luck and the best of experiences ahead.

Firstly, I want to say thank you and I appreciate you taking the time to write all of that for me.
I am still working through the emotional end of things which does make it difficult to be unbiased.
I understand that I need to improve on my communication and fully acknowledge finger pointing blame does not solve anything that happened nor does it fix the underlying issues.
I agree with many of the points you made, and I will keep them in mind when I do connect with someone in the future.
Those of which I don't are in respect to specific details not included in my original post. Nonetheless I will hang onto said points as a perspective (for a lack of better wording) once I am in a clear headspace and ready to fully dissect the encounter I had.

[BZ****]

What I take from this … all of this ….
Is that there are plenty of people out there calling themselves Dom without a molecule of a clue of what it actually means to be a Dom ….

A Sub … especially one that is a novice and explicitly saying she is there to try …

It makes me sick to my stomach…
The disregard for the sanctity of the sub and ignorance of the actual role of a real Dom is astounding!!!

And the worst of it … us certain figures coming here - without any professional knowledge or background and least of all understanding of the human psyche and act all sophomoric…. Please 🙄🙄🙄!

Spare us the pseudointellectual word vomit dressed up in a suit as if you hold the knowledge unto yourself!!

My dear … suggest you seek professional advice and professional help from a Psychologist specializing in human sexuality, to help you get past this hurdle and guide you through your journey!

[Da****]

First and foremost I’m so sorry that you had that experience. I haven’t had an experience like this but i have been in situations that weren’t any better. The way i’ve moved forward in my endeavors is by being extremely picky and cautious it seems like a weird way to move forward but for me it makes me feel safe. I’ve learned that people can say many things but it doesn’t mean they’re being truthful someone with 20+ years of experience should be able to one read body language adjust what is happening, understand that a gag prevents the use of a safe word so other forms of communication should have been established like shaking your head with the mmm-mm but even then telling you that shaking your head isn’t a safe word and continuing isn’t okay that to me is just someone who gets off hurting someone and that means that person is not safe at all. I too have a hard time trusting people so I do a lot of talking and understanding the person I’m with because trust is an essential part and if i can’t trust them outside of that role there’s no way i can trust them inside that role actions speak much louder than words