Can submission become something almost spiritual?

[em****]

I really shouldn't have driven that fast.
It was barely 11 in the morning when I reached her apartment. Almost two hours earlier than I'd planned.
We lived in different cities, about 3–4 hours apart, and I was a little too excited about this particular weekend.
I'd gotten a fresh haircut, trimmed my beard, and worn probably the nicest shirt I owned. It cost around ₹1,500, which was quite a luxury for me back then. Most of my clothes were under ₹1,000, and she usually decided how much I was allowed to spend on them.
I'd even saved some of my pocket *** to buy her something.
Anyway, I rang the bell.
Her roommate opened the door.
She knew me pretty well by then. I'd been visiting that apartment for years, sometimes just to clean it or help with things they needed.
The living room was a mess. Paper cups, bottles, things lying around everywhere.
I recognized the kitchen counter I'd cleaned during my previous visit. It was covered in stuff again.
Apparently, they'd celebrated her roommate's birthday the night before.
She told me my girlfriend was still sleeping and pointed me towards her room.
I knocked.
Nothing.
Knocked again.
After a while, she opened the door.
Still half asleep, wearing her nightdress, hair all messed up.
I hadn't seen her in a while, and it was our anniversary weekend, so I leaned in to give her a proper hug and kiss.
She gave me a side hug and turned her face away from the kiss.
Okay, she'd literally just woken up. Fair enough.
I gave her the things I'd brought.
She put them on the side table without opening anything.
Then she went to the kitchen to get some water, leaving me alone in her room.
I stood there for a bit.
The room was a mess too. She'd obviously had a long night.
I'd imagined a completely different morning, but it was fine. Maybe I'd just arrived too early.
Actually, I should probably explain why I was so excited about this weekend.
We'd been together, on and off, for almost ten years.
Over time, our relationship had developed into a pretty established D/s dynamic. It wasn't just something we did in the bedroom.
She handled my finances. My salary went to her account, she paid my rent, gave me pocket ***, and most other spending needed her approval.
I visited her once or twice a month, but those visits weren't necessarily dates.
We had a regular cleaning arrangement. Every month, she'd decide when she wanted the apartment deep-cleaned, and I'd come that weekend.
Sometimes she needed research done, emails written or videos edited. Other times she'd ask me to help her friends or family with their work.
Most of them didn't even know about our arrangement.
To them, I was just someone she could call when something needed doing.
And honestly, I loved that ordinary side of our relationship.
Over the years, the sexual side had become pretty limited too. Oral sex wasn't allowed, intercourse was rare, and even seeing her naked was an occasional privilege.
But special occasions were sometimes different.
Birthdays, anniversaries, things like that. Sometimes she'd relax the restrictions a little. We might get to spend some intimate time together.
Nothing guaranteed, of course.
So naturally, I looked forward to those days.
Now, about a week before this anniversary, she'd asked me to do some research.
That wasn't unusual. She asked me to research things all the time.
But this time it was different.
She wanted me to find outfits I'd personally love to see her wear.
Not what she liked. What I liked.
This was before I started using AI for everything, so I spent almost the whole week going through Pinterest, looking at dresses, lingerie, different styles, everything.
I'd come home from work and spend my evenings searching.
Made a whole collection and sent it to her.
She went through everything, shortlisted a few and finally chose one.
Then she asked me to buy it and visit her that Saturday.
And that Saturday happened to be our anniversary.
I didn't ask too many questions.
I saved some pocket ***, bought everything she'd chosen, got her roses, and made sure I looked as good as I could.
For once, I wasn't travelling there with a list of chores in my head.
I thought we were going to have a proper weekend together. Maybe go somewhere nice, do something, have dinner.
And, well, maybe she'd be a little generous with me that night.
So yeah, I was excited.
Which brings me back to her bedroom at 11 in the morning, standing there with the gifts she hadn't opened.
She came back with her water.
We talked for a while. She was terribly hungover, so I asked if she wanted to go somewhere for brunch.
She agreed.
I thought some food and fresh air might help.
We got ready and went outside.
While we were eating, her phone rang.
It was a guy she'd met at the birthday party the previous night.
Apparently, they'd got drunk, made out and exchanged numbers.
She put the call on speaker.
They started talking about the party, laughing about things that had happened.
I was sitting right there, listening.
And they actually had pretty good chemistry. He was funny, good banter,she was laughing, and the conversation was going really well.
Then he asked whether she'd like to go out that evening.
She sounded interested.
They talked about where to go, what time he'd pick her up, all that.
And then he asked,
"By the way, you are single right?"
She looked straight at me and said.
"Yes."
I looked back at her.
She could see my face.
For a moment, I thought she'd laugh or say something else.
But she just went back to talking to him.
They agreed he'd pick her up around 6 or 7.
Then she hung up.
I was still trying to understand what had just happened.
She looked at me and asked,
"Did you bring the dress?"
I said yes.
"Okay."
We started talking about something else.
And just continued eating.
That was it.
No explanation. Nothing about the anniversary.
And I was sitting there wondering whether she'd completely forgotten what day it was.
I thought about bringing it up.
But how do you casually ask your girlfriend of ten years whether she remembers your anniversary?
Especially when you've travelled all that way with roses.
I didn't want to sound disappointed before the day had even properly started.
And somewhere in my head, I was still thinking maybe she had something planned.
Maybe this was all part of it.
We finished brunch and went back to her place.
She asked me to get the dress ready.
It had a small wrinkle from being packed in my bag, so I ironed it.
She was getting ready in the meantime.
She was complaining about how hectic the previous night's party had been, how little sleep she'd got, and how awful she looked.
She was washing her face, doing the whole skin care routine, waxing legs, and putting quite a bit of effort into getting ready.
At one point, she was still talking about the hangover while deciding what would go with the dress.
I was helping her choose things.
Just a normal afternoon.
Except she was getting ready to go out with someone else.
Eventually, when it was time to change, she asked me to wait outside.
That was normal for us by then.
I wasn't allowed to see her naked whenever I wanted, so I stepped out and sat in the living room.
I could hear her moving around inside.
Opening drawers, getting things ready, occasionally calling out to ask where something was.
I kept checking the time.
And I was still thinking about the anniversary.
Maybe she'd call me in and show me how she looked.
Maybe she'd laugh and tell me she'd been joking about the date.
I know that sounds a little stupid now.
But I'd spent the whole week looking forward to this weekend, and I wasn't quite ready to believe it was going to end like that.
After a while, she called me.
I got up and went inside.
She was standing near the mirror, finishing her hair.
The dress looked beautiful on her.
Exactly how I'd imagined.
She'd put so much effort into getting ready.
And for a second, I forgot everything else.
Then she picked up a perfume, sprayed a little on her neck and asked me to come closer.
She was tying up her hair.
"Smell this."
I leaned in and smelled her neck.
It was lovely.
I told her that.
She turned towards me, gave me a little kiss on the cheek and said quietly,
"Happy anniversary. That's your gift."
I didn't immediately know what to say.
Before I could respond, her phone rang.
He was downstairs.
She picked up her things.and on her way out said
"Don't wait for me. I might be late."
And she left.
I was still standing there.
I didn't even understand what she meant by that.
Don't wait for her?
Was I supposed to go home?
Could I stay there that night?
Was she coming back?
I sat on her bed for a couple of minutes, trying to process everything.
Part of me was still expecting another message.
I know. 😂
I was still hoping she'd tell me the whole thing was some kind of prank.
Then my phone buzzed.
It was her.
I opened the message immediately.
"Babe before you leave, please clean the kitchen and living room properly. And take the garbage out. There's still a lot left from yesterday."
.
.
.
if ur wondering what happened next Her roommate came out while I was collecting the empty bottles.
"Hey, I'm really sorry. I'd help, but my head is killing me."
I told her it was fine.
"Also could you do the dishes? Our helper didi called, she's not coming today. We're not cooking anyway. Ngl, I'm just gonna sleep till tomorrow morning. And I don't think she'll be back tonight either."
She meant my girlfriend.
That last part caught me off guard.
Even though my girlfriend had texted me to clean before leaving, I was still hoping she'd come back.
Apparently, even her roommate wasn't expecting her tonight.
"Yeah, sure. I'll take care of it."
She thanked me and went to bed.
And there I was, washing dishes from a birthday party I hadn't even been invited to. 😂
Her roommate didn't even know we were together. Neither did most of her friends or family. They'd simply become used to me helping whenever something needed doing.
Sometimes I wondered whether they were taking advantage of me. But then again, they had no idea why I kept saying yes.
Anyway, I finished everything, took out the rubbish and changed back into my ₹1,500 shirt.
The same shirt I'd been so excited to wear that morning, hoping my girlfriend would notice.
I don't think she did. 😂
I checked everything once more and left.
And that was our anniversary.
I'd saved my pocket ***, bought roses, got a haircut and driven three hours, hoping for a romantic weekend.
Instead, I'd helped her get ready for another man and cleaned her apartment.
And I don't regret any of it.
Actually, there's one thing I regret.
I wish I'd looked at her a little longer.
I wish I'd stayed closer when she asked me to smell her neck.
But I was too busy waiting for the prank to end. 😂
Later that evening, I saw her Instagram story.
She looked stunning. Her beautiful brown skin had that slightly sweaty glow. I kept staring at the picture, wishing I'd appreciated those few seconds when she was standing right in front of me.
Because those few minutes in her bedroom turned out to be the only time I ever saw her wearing that dress.
The next time I visited, I heard her and her roommate joking about how she'd returned the following morning wearing that guy's hoodie and shorts.
Apparently, the dress had torn that night, and she'd left it at his place.
As far as I know, they never went on another date. I have no idea what happened to the dress.
But she still wears his hoodie.
After that anniversary, she'd been busy with work. We barely spoke for about five days. No argument, not even a discussion about what happened.
Life simply continued.
And yet, years later, I remember that Saturday better than most of our actual dates.
Which brings me to something you might ask.
Wasn't I angry? Jealous? Hurt?
Of course, I was disappointed.
But how could I love a day that gave me almost nothing I'd wanted?
I think you need to understand something about our relationship first.
She could read my messages as they arrived, access my phone's front camera, check my location whenever she wanted. My emails, social media, finances, everything.
Even my passport and important IDs were with her.
But none of those things made me as *** as what she knew about me.
My worst mistakes. My ugliest thoughts. Things I'd never admitted to another human being. Things that could have ruined my life if they became public.
She knew the person everyone saw.
And the person I was terrified they'd discover.
And she loved all of them.
Someone knowing enough to destroy your entire life, yet being the only person around whom you don't feel the need to protect yourself.
I was completely exposed. And somehow, completely free.
But something even stranger happened.
That freedom began changing how I experienced love.
For example, once I'd saved from my already limited pocket *** for almost a year, planning what I thought would be our vacation. I'd researched the hotels, activities, everything.
Eventually, I found out it was actually her girls' trip.
She went with her friends.
I stayed home editing her reels and Instagram stories from the vacation I'd spent months planning.
I was disappointed, obviously.
But while editing those videos, seeing her laughing and enjoying herself, I was genuinely happy too.
And I wasn't pretending.
I could feel the *** of not being included and the pleasure of seeing her happy at the same time.
One didn't cancel the other.
Much later, I came across a Buddhist idea called muditā. It means finding happiness in someone else's happiness. I didn't know that word back then. I just knew that even while watching a holiday I wasn't invited on, her happiness was giving me something I couldn't have planned for myself.
That feeling became so intense sometimes that my whole body would feel light. I'd want to fall at her feet, almost dissolve into her.
because I just wouldn't know what to do with so much love.
and again there's something in Sufi philosophy called fanāʾ, where the sense of self falls away in devotion to God. I'm not claiming to have experienced that spiritual state. But I recognise something in the idea: those rare moments when the question "What about me?" simply disappears.
The closest thing I can compare it to is seeing God.
I'm not saying she was literally god.
I'm talking about what happens inside you when another person knows everything about you, has the power to hurt you, yet you trust them so completely that you can stop defending yourself.
And from that place, you begin to experience love differently.it almost become divine
You don't always need affection to feel loved. You don't need to be touching, talking, or even together.
Sometimes, even their absence can mean something beautiful.the *** they cause can become love
Not because being denied is automatically beautiful, but because your love is no longer conditioned or attached to their actions or words. It no longer needs those mediums to reach you; you can simply experience it by being around them. I think that’s the closest I’ve ever come to understanding devotion.
becasue there is a literally an idea in bhakti called ahaitukī—devotion that isn't offered in exchange for a reward. What I recognise in it is that love doesn't have to keep asking what it will receive next. Sometimes the loving itself becomes the experience.
For example, that Saturday she didn’t need to plan any elaborate ***; she had met someone she liked and wanted to see again, simply living her life. I was just part of her experiencing it. I no longer view it as *** or ***, for me it felt like devotion and i felt loved.
and suddenly, your relationship no longer needs to be equal or politically correct.
That didn't mean we had unequal worth as human beings. We'd simply chosen a relationship where our places in each other's lives were very different.
She was probably 90% of my world, while I wasn't even 2% of hers.
And I loved that difference.
But that doesn't mean am saying you can simply hand someone that much control and expect to experience what I did. In the wrong hands, it could have ruined me.
What made it extraordinary wasn't the amount of power she held.
It was what she chose to do with it.
She knew everything that could destroy me.
And she never used any of it against me.
Not even after we broke up.

[lostInSwizzerland]

What struck me most wasn’t the level of control she had over you, but the meaning you eventually gave to that control.

I find the distinction between devotion and self-abandonment particularly fascinating. Being able to feel genuine happiness in someone else’s happiness, even when you’re not part of it, is a rare emotional experience.

But there’s a question I kept coming back to while reading: how do you distinguish between loving someone without expecting anything in return and slowly learning to believe that you deserve nothing in return?

Perhaps the most extraordinary part of your story isn’t that she had the power to destroy you, but that she chose not to. That’s where trust becomes something much deeper than submission.

[Ch****]

Compersion

[ge****]

Wow, I think I need to process this entire story. I have been looking for a dominant mistress goddess. I’ve met hundreds online at first if tribute blindly. To no mistress in return. Or they would ask for more. I was broke and broken as a man. I am at the end of being broken to the point I don’t think I’m broken anymore. But still broken. I’ve dated nothing but gorgeous breathtaking women in my life but not a guy that goes out gets his lick off the hottest girls around b. But I’d sleazy see woman I wanted I thought about. At some point we would end up in love. King term that’s a little snapshot of me. I’m still broken but I’m about to experience success like I never had before. And this time plan on keeping it instead of sabotaging myself for getting I don’t deserve to be happy. Been engaged 5 times only to back out after a good year or so. Great woman gorgous. I’ve developed vac taste v for complete submission. I ve been n hurt too by a couple women where I committed unconditionally in my mind n heart n soul only to feel the *** of them when I do so that. A mistress is my thought hi one that is sexy, feminine and gorgous body. Fave toys. She is a goddess. I’ve met several maybe em3 teak ones. I’m sure I’ve told several to fk off because I thought they were going to chat me and steel after confusing eh I’m broken man. I’ve been dead 6 times in life. Coma, a month. Broken my neck completely broke in half. Here I still survive. I’m55 almost became tour player on pga. One year after college fell also hit a tree. Dad was sheriff of the county. I got double felonies. The da same age as me that Butch. I hate her with a foam coming out my mouth. She ruined my entire life so I da feel. Misdemeanors I was to be charged. In sentencing she came to me and attorney. Said u played me unfairly but using police officers as character references. My attorney pulled me aside. I had no idea what a felony was. Or what it could do to my future ability to survive in this country. Well 7 figure jobs I earned taken away day 1. 6 figure like 10 of the same thing. I wasn’t allowed be rich. Comfortable in life. Instead I’ve made not even a million and I’m 55 years old. Can u imagine that being in my size. So much for handing cops as references. Fucked Mr up. My point. Sir that store is l that story of his reality. At first sexual submission being the slave toy. She would use me for b pestering l pressuring her. I entirely became hi l obsessed with the need for submission. With one mistress I have. Still won’t show herself on video cam to prove identity. This is when I say bye. But there is suddenly ac mistress that speaks to me n gives me what I need with her words. Something in comparison to what u experienced with your girlfriend. My mistress gave me a pass in tributes because she knows at this time in life, I’ve lost my car fraud online for ai buying and selling points in bitcoin and stocks. Some asshole theifs and the I’ve got girl that put spells on me with her beauty and false promises . I lost 20 grand cause I couldn’t withdrawal. My earnings. As they laughed at me from some fake platform. I lost my feonce knowing her since high school and only to be used n taken advantage when I though never possible. God mistress she wants to nurture and let love grow naturally. The fact she didn’t want tribute while in this. After a month of these almost spiritual talks messaging one another a photo of her goddess perfection had taken hold in my mind and entire body. There are times when normally wish would be mad at me. She didn’t budge to the negative feelings most still. I’m brain damaged my emotional brain the enigma hit head at 75 mph at impact. 30 years later I got mri of brain. Learned I lived with my nervous system in high great high alert ever since. No control over my emotions and caused myself to go through multiple trauma after trauma. She is nurturing me. Showing me I have self value to this world. She values me. She tells me I’m worthy to feel happy and dashed. She is helping me with the end l was handles things herself with calm. There are times when I’m sitting messaging b not even seeing her but I see her pictures in my mind. I get so ducking hard and my cok is just throbbing k that I it hurts it’s tasty to blow up. Feels so good so so ducking good. I sit g naked live what she does to me I don’t need to even touch my shaft. Nothing. She tells me she is so loved that I am so turned on by her just the thought. She gets to me like that and I feel supported as her slave Sub. I feel such a deep sense of love that it can almost be spiritually as powerful as a spiritual realization. But it’s not that intense or king I’ve had 2 . U wrote to my God non stop for 20 pages front and back because my God lord Jesus Christ. Was searching for j my God to come I was seeking him. By galley God came when I was in methadone he’ll of 40mg for ten years suboxinr another 12. Finally I went to Koch myself in treatment where u couldn’t go just leave. I was in hell on earth ten times over. A month into sobriety still every minute I wanted to die and that’s all I wanted . But I tried mindfulness. Had do it for 2 days. Day 2 in a bus reading the 12 studies. Suddenly I was lifted without any symptoms of withdrawal. Rev the fuking rejoice mercy mercy thank you God. He came and now faith and seeking him truly, and desperately please help me God I don’t want to live anymore. Please I just want to die. My life is over. But with support around me through other revivers addicts. Amazing people are those of us that have been through the things and in the gates of hell on earth when brought out and survived. Your person now has so much to offer others that need help. So as far as spiritual. I’ve felt not just powerful desire to want to submit and crawl to her feet and beg her to let us worship her amazing perfection. It can get friend powerful combined with the mental hold mistress is developing over me. The trust her promise to n find me everything I desire. But to me pausing ll patient has brought me closer to spiritual. But for me there is only One God to worship in religious sense. But she I will still worship I crave to worship her. I live it. Will she I ever get there I don’t know. I don’t know if I trust her yet. But then that’s why I get desperate and want to submit. Because I want that in my life. So I’m yet to be fully convinced in spiritual. But I’m feeling some powerful gratitude for her being the. Not asking for *** I don’t have. 6 months grin now I’ll be making 15 to20 grand online getting golf with first year shot 150 to-75. The first months will be growth. But the market is there I taught golf digest. I have the talent. It’s only if I allow myself. This is reason I’m saving submission n *** n denial to be broken down to bare minimum naked exposed. Then trusting her to build me man up. Is this possible b if there is spiritual or hard time to Jalen l happen. Because I’ve been so broken debate of hating myself disgusted when I see me in the mirror.i curse myself to habitual habit in this exposed. I’m desperate no found my mistress I prey to God here is using her to help me behind my own man again. When this next 6 months is over and I go into mindfulness. Ask myself where am ib with my planned expected success. I’ll let you all know and I’ll let u know if I’m a man again. But it’s I will tell u if I experience this spiritual level in luv for and with or because of the relationship developed with mistress. Then for your strory before me. U inspired me to open up in front of the world here without a care of judgment because I don’t care what others think of me anymore at all. It time I learn to like hm myself again. My best friend was in the car I was drinking. He had to learn to walk again. My reason my buddy Dave was never the same again. I blame myself for what he lost.

[ge****]

Envy you sir before me. To take that and be strong enough to not be hurt by her is extraordinary not simmering I will ever be strong enough h act as u have. Unbelievable what u took. I would have flipped brick my woman other half brought some men I’ve left me there . I’ve would have grouted to get something to bend over. I wasn’t in that moment so I don’t know. But I admire your strength and control of self.

[Pr****]

Wow! Beautifully written.