My need to be adored

[PhantomFlogger]

Im going to premise this with a fact, I am a diagnosed Narcissist, thats to say i have a narcissistic personality disorder.

Not the flashy love myself one, unfortunately my flavour of NPD is that i feel disgusting when nobody adores me. (Introverted/ covert NPD) 

now another fact is i have done everything in my power to be adored, i look the best i can, i act the best i can, i do the best i can, i am (in my narssasisitc opinion) the best i can imagine a person can be.

But this isnt a post about how great i think i am, its a question.

Is my passion for wanting to be a Dominant, in charge and in control, just a symptom?

Is my want to take another human and raise them up, support them and be the centre of their happiness just a part of my personality disorder.

The books say im manipulative, mindful and cold, the doctors say i could be dangerous if i dont stay in control of my need to be important.

But i just cant tell where my love of being important begins, and my NPD ends.

To me, i deserve to be in control, im a caring partner, playmate, person..

Ive made sure of that, but i still feel deep inside that even if i was a monster, i dont think id know.

It makes me feel ill that anyone would call me sir or master, because i honestly dont know if im worthy or dangerous, i have therapy for my NPD, i function as a human does (just slightly happier and immune to depression) but i cant tell if i should stop perusing BDSM as it does undo my therapy that teaches me im not important, nobody should care about me, and ive no right to be in charge.

There are 1000s of people on here who are willing to just hand over there trust and control, some to me, and that fire i get that makes me feel so important is always tainted by the choking smoke that i might just be really unwell and possibly abusive.

This community means So much to me, and i cant imagine how id take being banished.. actually i do.

[BigPolly]

I can remember you being on here a year or so back, bringing up your narcissistic disorder & it being accepted positively here.
There is a fine line between NPD & Neurodiversity so I can only give it from my (ND) point of view.
Firstly I feel you are overthinking (yayyy that’s what we are reeeeally good at 🙄). You are trying to rethink your role in society to see if that will help you fit in better but you already know who you are & what works for you so why are you trying to change that?
The trouble a lot of us have with BDSM is it gives us that ultra high so in exchange we then get that drop, it’s not easy but sometimes it’s worth it.
We are all seeking that control & pleasure whether we are NPD, ND or NT. being diagnosed with something doesn’t mean you being part of the community is wrong, it just means you bring a different dynamic & a different view of things to the table.
Some people will want to learn about you & incorporate that, some won’t, that’s human nature.
We can’t change who we are so the only way to deal with that is to embrace it!
I am short, fat & autistic…sounds awful doesn’t it 😂 but I am ME! I am one of a kind, yes I’m totally weird & my brain is alien to others but you know what, my world is amaaaaazing & there’s only one name on that door & it’s mine! No one else is getting in here so people either like me for who I am, how weird I am & how I look or they don’t, I don’t care. Not everyone is going to like us us or fit in with us & that’s ok that’s human nature however this BDSM world is far more accepting of flaws & quirks than the mainstream world.
I put a post up the other week asking if subs or Dom’s had it harder, everyone came back & said ‘Dom’s’ …this completely threw me. Why is my head giving me a really hard time about subbing yet that’s what I want to do?! Our brains are cruel so we need to find a way to satisfy our brain as well as ourselves. Control is a huge part of that, it keeps us safe & it keeps us grounded & allowing someone to share that control either as a sub or a Dom/me can be a real headfuck for those of us who over process & overthink.
So after all this waffle my point is, there is no answer, there is no right or wrong, there is no way to stop our brains overthinking. Life is all about new experiences & smiles & how we gain those is in our hands.
You are not going to every be anything except wonderful amazing unique ‘you’ so embrace that. We’re allowed to wobble & question ourselves every now & then, especially those of us who are different but we’re still human & it’s ok to try & find impossible answers….as long as we still have fun along the way & BDSM has so many doors to open, so many roles to fulfill & so many things to learn that we are all going to fit in here somewhere 😊

Edited September 25, 2021 by BigPolly

[Deleted Member]

To question ourselves show some mature and intelligent persona. But reflection without the learning curve is useless. Your doctor is right to say you might become dangerous if you feel or are rejected. What would
Be your reaction?
Bdsm is secondary to your life! It’s always best to approach it with a clear controlled mind. I know we are human but myself would never engage in a session with my sub if I don’t feel right regardless my kinky mind wanted to play.
Maybe take a step back, swap your “addiction” with another physical activity like climbing or river kayaking, which involved lots of mind focus, control and physical strength…

[we****]

Personally I do not believe there is a boundary of any kind between ‘me’ and my neuro diversity. I do question myself constantly about whether my involvement in bdsm relationships is healthy for me or does it exaggerate the aspects of my personal judged as not normal. The fact is there are parts of my nd that I enjoy, treasure even (not to say some days I just wish I could be normal) My responsibility is to disclose the risk a partner may need to consider, but that would be the same about any relationship I enter into. And to keep checking back and recalibrating my perception of ok.

The way I try think of it is like flying in a stunt aeroplane. When the plane spins I expected to feel myself spinning in the sky, but it felt like I was sitting still in the plane and the world was spinning around me. I recognise that about my nd, I feel completely normal but when the rest of the world seems really crazy, I try to slow down and do some checking in with trusted others who help me calibrate my behaviour.

Don’t stop being you, you are perfectly you. Just learn how to confidently help the rest of the world learn how to operate happily with you. I think the fact it concerns you is a really positive sign. (Just wanted to say also, I had a very destructive relationship with a narcissist so, I am not belittling the negative effect that this behaviour has. This person was not willing to even look at their behaviour let alone start attempting to manage it to protect both themselves and the people who loved them.)
Stay safe and well my friend x

[PhantomFlogger]

All great points, its nice to know im heard and not just judged by my label

[BigPolly]

5 hours ago, PhantomFlogger said:

All great points, its nice to know im heard and not just judged by my label

If people can’t see beyond your diagnosis then those people aren’t worth bothering with. Your diagnosis isn’t solely who you are it’s just simply another part of you, it’s the part that makes you more unique than others, the part that makes you stronger because you spend each day trying to understand or justify it. I’m sure NT folk still have their own inward, awkward struggles. If they didn’t then half of them wouldn’t end up with cosmetic surgery etc etc. It’s just some of us have a diagnosed reason & in a way that’s a blessing (we have something to blame 😂)

You’re still you regardless 😊
 

[Deleted Member]

Dang, this is an interesting topic. I've got a fat file of evidence collected about the destruction caused by unchecked NPD symptoms both in and out of BDSM.

Other than that, I too am a neurodivergent D type. I was not in touch with my stuff when I was your age and I did cause ego-driven destruction. I swore off kink and even butts for years because I never wanted to be a real life monster again. But as I got older, made some changes, got proper treatment, one day I woke up a healed Dom!

No, I'm kidding. Actually I still just keep doing the boring submission to Reality. I have conditions that require regulation for all parts of my life to work. I get to regulate my domliness through life balance and self care and honest introspection. My hero badass Perot complex gets written about and talked about in therapy. I am matter of factly honest about it with those I engage with. I have to set my limits around what my little pie chart says my brain/spine can handle. A far cry from the glory a sexy ogress deserves... But oh well. I'd rather be part of cool BDSM communities with no subs than be out there feeding my ego with ten.

At any rate, we're not the same but I feel this post. Tightrope life!