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Mixed emotions

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Being submissive is in my nature, I feel it has always been there. That easy passing of control to others, the state of mind it fuels to be free of thinking. It feels like a way to indulge in my desires without the feeling of responsibility or guilt, if others judged it wasn't me, I was just being a good sub following my Dom.

The little white lies I tell myself to validate my actions, I'm not hurting anyone but would I feel confident in my choices if they were made public knowledge.

I struggle with these conflicting emotions, bouncing back and forth between feeling content and then guilt or shame. I've found myself in a place where I feel I've lost myself.

I crave the connection with another on a intimate level. To show more of myself than just what I think people expect or want to see from me. To feel the closeness of human touch that I have unwittingly deprived myself of. 

I find myself stuck in the safety and comfort of my submission as a defense mechanism, if my relationships are strictly playing the role of sub to a Dom then I can 'do' without thinking, let the motions happen without the attachment or feeling needy, relishing in the fleeting moments of human touch. 

I hate that I straddle these conflicting feelings and can not seem to find the balance I need. I don't know how to let people in authentically, I'm hyper aware of how I'm perceived and don't want to be judged. In protecting myself from judgement or hurt by others I'm also closing off who I am and I'm not sure how to change that. 

I couldn't imagine myself in a, for want of a better word, "vanilla" relationship anymore but at the same time I'm struggling to find the balance within BDSM. 

I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this or deals with the internal struggles of finding the happy balance in these types of relationships, I'm not even sure if I'm writing this for anything more than having a vent on a safe platform. Apologies if this isn't the correct place to post!

Hi Aries. I think what you’re describing happens to a lot of us. The ability to completely give yourself to another through communication and ultimately trust. Personally I struggle with the latter. I don’t trust easily and it leaves me feeling dead inside, questioning if it’s even a possibility for me. I know mine is an attachment issue. I can’t seem to get past the mental block that keeps me from letting myself trust completely. In doing so I’m cheating both parties involved.

It took me quite some time to truly accept who and what I am, the things I like. They are the opposite of what we, as women are told we should strive for, in many cases. 

I am true to myself. I hold myself accountable for my actions, which I take responsibility for. I am not responsible for others' actions. 

To be true to myself, I had to come to terms with being submissive, being a masochist, wanting a 24/7 TPE dynamic. It all took time. But you know what? Most people are focused so much on themselves, they're not taking any notice of what I'm doing. So I gave up worrying about it. Relaxed into it, enjoyed the road it took me down. What made me happy (and of course my D-type). 

Trust and attachment issues are a whole separate topic. 

Other people will judge you for a second and move on. Focus on what makes you happy. Be true to yourself. Let the rest follow. 

İt's very important that you know yourself first,if you know yourself,you know what you expect from your Dom and if there is a good communication between you and your Dom,it will me make more sense what you do as a sub and if you are happy what you are and what you doing never give a fuck to what people think or say .
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