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the first munch i ever went to


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It was summer of 2018 or 2019. i'd been to a few other types of BDSM/Kink events but had been dragging my feet on attending a munch. i know it's a little silly but the idea of a munch intimidated me the most---at most other kinds of events i felt like i could sit near the back/be a wallflower if i wanted to. But a munch? i kinda felt like i'd be walking in to a dinner party where everyone else knew each other and i was the only stranger (how awkward would THAT be?).

Intimidating? Yes! But enough people had encouraged me to go so i figured it was an important step in my BDSM journey.

i'd been looking at the event listings here on fet for a while so planned on attending a local munch group that had seemed to be around for a while. The munch was during dinner hour, at a busy chain restaurant a few cities over. Since it was summer time, with long days and warm weather, the listing said to find them in the back patio of the establishment.


The day of the munch, as the hours ticked by i grew more and more nervous. But still i managed to get dressed & ready. my mind and emotions were on "high" as i drove across town to the restaurant. It was located in an outlying strip mall/entertainment complex of a large shopping mall so finding parking took a little while.

Once i parked, i was feeling so surreal. i got out of my car and took a few minutes to collect myself. Started the long walk towards the restaurant.

It's hard to describe how i felt. Surreal, like in a dream, yet hyper-aware. By this point i'd talked myself out of going like, a million times. Yet here i was, moving forward.

Somehow i got through the parking lot and was approaching the restaurant from the back. i passed through a concrete walkway to get to the front door, and in doing so, passed by the open back patio.

i looked over and saw THEM----the munch group. i KNEW it had to be them. There was a group of maybe around ten people informally gathered in couples and small groups sitting around the picnic style tables. There was one or two young women with brightly colored hair, obviously the hostesses, hurrying around, setting up what looked like one of those Bingo number pickers on a table with some balloons and gift bags.

my legs kept moving forward, but internally i froze.

i got the rest of the way down the walkway, turned, and there it was: the front doors. A simple, innocuous set of large glass automatic doors, led up to by an equally simple & innocuous large black mat.

Only about 15 feet till i'd be at the doors. But as soon as i was faced with those doors & long black mat, all the will power i'd mustered just evaporated.

i turned around, found an alternate concrete walkway leading to the parking lot, walked back to my car, and left.


i didn't leave right away though---i took a few minutes, leaning against my car, letting my thoughts slow down, thinking about my next step. After all, i was dressed up, out of the house, and it was dinner hour.

What i DIDN'T do was beat myself up about not walking in. The way i looked at it, the night was a success.

Sure, maybe i did not "ATTEND" the munch, but i "WENT TO" the munch!!! And since i had been so scared to go, i figured this was a great success.


i ended up taking myself out to dinner somewhere else and had a great evening.

Pursuing Kink & BDSM takes a lot of courage and getting out of our comfort zone. But also, we have to honor ourselves and the limits of that courage!!

It wasn't long after this experience that i did "ATTEND" my first munch, and after that, a few other groups, too. One of which became my "home munch".

i look back on this experience and it's easy to laugh it off. How scared i was when i saw the munch group on that back patio! i wonder, if i had found the entrance via another route and not seen them, would i have had the courage to walk in to the restaurant?

And of course, i know now how mellow munches are (at least the one's i've attended). How normal people act, and how welcoming they are to newbies.


If you've been thinking about attending events---do it!!! But know that it is ok to go at your own pace.

Research events as much as you can....get word of mouth recommendation if you can. Message the host or organizer beforehand (if they are a good host they will be happy to answer any questions you might have, and go out of their way to help make you feel comfortable).

And if you do all your research, get dressed & ready, drive to the event....and leave. Don't beat yourself up.

Sometimes just going...just getting ready....just doing the research and asking questions...is a success!

Thank you for sharing this as a newbie I’m exploring local events and munches and whilst I will confidently attend a place solo in the vanilla life, like you the thought of attending a munch feels so different and I don’t know why. To know that this is not an unusual experience and others have had it. I feel good with myself and will definitely take it at my own pace. On a positive note I’m actually attending some local events on Shibari so I’ve taken my first step into the real world and not just staying online.
Thank you for your post. And well done for not beating yourself up about turning back, I find that can be as crippling as the initial fear.
I haven't tried to go to a munch yet, but when I do I'll remember your story.
Thank you! I had a similar experience last month at our local fetish night. My friend that was going to go with me canceled at the last minute. I almost didn’t go but ended up braving the event alone. I had one of the best times I have ever had. I would not have beat myself up for not going but I am glad I did.
First of all well done for getting that far and for being able to recognise this as a victory. Being able to see the steps we take and acknowledge their importance rather than just the goal is a very import thing that I still struggle with at times.
As someone who went to a few munch like events before I can say yes they can be seriously intimidating.
My first one was a nightmare and not only due to the place it was held being tiny but the people were far from welcoming. I went with a kink friend I knew at the time and we were both nervous on the edge of the room.
She was approached by these two ladies who were warm and welcoming with her but as soon as they spoke to me.......well the kindness stopped.
Long story short it ended with of them telling me she was going to do certain things to me and I'd learn to like it. If I didn't she didn't care.
I politely declined but she continued being very rude to me and insisting that because I'm a man I have to obey her. I excused myself and then tried to mingle and speak with others but no one was interested at all and I just got dirty looks.
I left whilst my friend at the time stayed.
Then by some chance I tried again with one further away and somehow had the courage to go alone.
I was a nervous wreck on the way there and had I not been on a train I would have turned back.
But I'm happy to say it was a completely different situation. The people there were so lovely and welcoming. I even went back for more events there.
The point I wanted to make is even if you manage and don't have a good time maybe try another munch. Hopefully you won't have my initial experience but even if you do look around and you're sure to eventually find some lovely kinky people to chat with.

Thank you everyone for reading, and for leaving your comments!! i'm glad that the blog resonates with some of you & maybe gives some people some resolve to pursue Kink and BDSM in ways that make sense for them.


MaskedDom is right----if you do attend one munch group and don't find it welcoming, fun, or your style....don't give up on them! Each munch group will be very different. 

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