The idea of monogamy

[Deleted Member]

It is difficult for me to not experience feelings of anxiety when there is a possibility of a person that I like to venture out and like someone else.. 

I was married, for a very long time, 16 years, a couple year separation, then the finalized divorce. And over all it was a good experience, though at the end we had very different life goals, hence an amiable divorce. 
 

Once I started dating again, I was shocked. Casual sex, bdsm, play dates, physical intimacy without commitment, was all very new to me. And in my naivety, I expected unrealistic expectations. I had amazing sex, the feels were there, and then she would be off with someone else. My first “girlfriend” was an Aussie that was a reformed swinger. She surprised me with many instances of being with someone else.. as they fit her needs. Trying to understand and trying to redefine my definition of intimacy, we had long discussions about what happened, she was very embarrassed, and showed very much anxiety, and refused to communicate, claiming it triggered feeling that I might abandon her. 
20 months later that relationship ended. After taking a short break to get my mind back, I started to date, I felt lost at times and the companionship that I had leaned upon, and probably had been a little dependent upon, was gone, then I had lost a near and dear loved one, my father, my guitar jamming mate, the guy I turned to do for life advice. 
I spiraled, I slept with many women, had many experiences, some good, some bad. I learned about myself. What I want, how I want things. I studied and played with subs,  I never went to an official meeting, just built my knowledge from reading and experiences. Never had a mentor. 
In 2021, a bunch of circumstances led to a woman moving in with me, first as roommates with benefits, then as a relationship. One week into this official relationship the idea of opening up the relationship was poised by her. It was something she liked and wanted. This idea rocked my mindset, and I dido’t know why. I felt that maybe I wasn’t enough, though she assured me that I was enough.  And that she just sometimes needed something different.  
Fast forward to today. (That’s a ton of background). I’m starting to date someone, and we had a discussion about relationships, and I wanted to assure her that I didn’t want to pressure her into anything. I am liking her more and more, and I am finding that I would want to have that level of commitment, but at the same time, she feels that she would want to experience and explore. Again, I feel as if my past is getting in the way of any type of future. 
I know each person has their own opinions and desires, wants and needs.. but is monogamous relationships a thing of the pst and should I be open to poly, and how do I get through the anxiety of it all? I feel very old school in this one aspect of my brain.. 

[Deleted Member]

Feral don’t compromise your feelings to please others. There is nothing wrong with your thought process, only your selection process when it comes to women. Jk ;). You just need to be very clear with your expectations going into it, especially if that’s a hard limit for you. Feelings can easily alter the notion of sharing your partner / girlfriend. If it makes you feel unwell, you should express your concerns with your partner. It’s not an easy topic; you might both be let down. Then again, you also might discover some common ground durning the discussion. Be well Feral 🤍

[Dreamaway]

This is so honest and open. As one in a similar position, albeit for slightly different reasons, my heart goes out to you. All I can say is trust your feelings to guide you in this. And remember, if maybe today was a bummer, tomorrow is another day. Be safe, don't jeopardise your integrity.

[Deleted Member]

I too sometimes wonder if monogamy is a thing of the past as it seems so common now. I know I'm not cut out for it. I'm a one-man-woman and need that same commitment back.
There's nothing wrong with either type of relationship, it's just a case of what works for you. If poly isn't for you, that's ok.
If it's causing that much anxiety, I'd say perhaps really consider if it is for you. Is the anxiety from the change in type of relationship or because you really don't feel comfortable with a poly dynamic? Will you be able to feel happy for her about going on dates with others for instance, even though they're not with you? If even the thought of that creates anxiety (it would for me), then maybe you are old school. And you know what? That is just fine.
Wishing you peace in this journey 🖤

[ey****]

I don't think monogamy is a thing of the past (although it is a relatively new idea in world history) but different shades of non-mono are certainly more apparent, especially in kink circles.

There are even ladies I can think of who are looking for strictly monogamous relationships - but - would still wish to play with friends at fetish events : so a lot then gets into line drawing on boundaries.

I think there's a lot of noise around non-mono at the minute; but it's probably not as overly common as it feels.

I think 'being enough' is a common stumbling block to people who struggle with some non-mono ideas - I think that it's actually really hard (and *sometimes* unhealthy) to be everything to someone - so you can be more than enough, but, still be aware there's other people in that persons life to different degrees.

 

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, Honey_Cunt said:

Feral don’t compromise your feelings to please others. There is nothing wrong with your thought process, only your selection process when it comes to women. Jk ;). You just need to be very clear with your expectations going into it, especially if that’s a hard limit for you. Feelings can easily alter the notion of sharing your partner / girlfriend. If it makes you feel unwell, you should express your concerns with your partner. It’s not an easy topic; you might both be let down. Then again, you also might discover some common ground durning the discussion. Be well Feral 🤍

I’m very open to communication, and am able to having difficult discussions, and I have been able to get to the root or situations or moods quickly, I am an empath somewhat. 
I totally  agree with my selection has been flawed, and I have kept on to people long past their best by date, I think this is how I got through my marriage, my parents taught me that if you are going through something tough, put your head down, focus, place your shoulder to the wheel and push, im not scared of any amount of hard work. 
We had the difficult discussion, and we will remain friends, but we want differing things overall. 

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, UnleashedChaos said:

I too sometimes wonder if monogamy is a thing of the past as it seems so common now. I know I'm not cut out for it. I'm a one-man-woman and need that same commitment back.
There's nothing wrong with either type of relationship, it's just a case of what works for you. If poly isn't for you, that's ok.
If it's causing that much anxiety, I'd say perhaps really consider if it is for you. Is the anxiety from the change in type of relationship or because you really don't feel comfortable with a poly dynamic? Will you be able to feel happy for her about going on dates with others for instance, even though they're not with you? If even the thought of that creates anxiety (it would for me), then maybe you are old school. And you know what? That is just fine.
Wishing you peace in this journey 🖤

Anxiety is probably not the right word, when I knew she was going out on a date, I would just go an do something extremely difficult and dangerous, (night snowshoeing hike in the mountains, or free solo a flatiron)  it reminds me of my independence, and that I can do hard things.. but in the end… I would rather not have that situation.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Dreamaway said:

This is so honest and open. As one in a similar position, albeit for slightly different reasons, my heart goes out to you. All I can say is trust your feelings to guide you in this. And remember, if maybe today was a bummer, tomorrow is another day. Be safe, don't jeopardise your integrity.

I don’t know how be any other way. Thank you for you kind words. And good luck to you as well!

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I don't think monogamy is a thing of the past (although it is a relatively new idea in world history) but different shades of non-mono are certainly more apparent, especially in kink circles.

There are even ladies I can think of who are looking for strictly monogamous relationships - but - would still wish to play with friends at fetish events : so a lot then gets into line drawing on boundaries.

I think there's a lot of noise around non-mono at the minute; but it's probably not as overly common as it feels.

I think 'being enough' is a common stumbling block to people who struggle with some non-mono ideas - I think that it's actually really hard (and *sometimes* unhealthy) to be everything to someone - so you can be more than enough, but, still be aware there's other people in that persons life to different degrees.

 

I complete understand that it’s very difficult to be “everything” to someone, to fill all their needs all the time.. that would be a very unrealistic expectation, and yet.. by saying I’m not enough.. 

that same phrase started me to where I am, when my ex stated it to me during an argument. She felt she wasn’t enough.. or the words I used in affirmation didn’t cover the wants and needs she had, and she felt that I was being pulled away for work, and she wasn’t enough to keep me at home engaged … 

To me it’s a harmful outlook, especially when someone has given what they feel is their all, and they feel they came up short handed.  
When I was shocked about my new girlfriend (now ex) wanting to have an open relationship, I immediately began having self doubt, but I think it was the way she presented the option and how I found out about some thing, she really wasn’t great at communicating. 
Now, when I think of that situation I don’t want to repeat it, so I try and communicate upfront. And if things aren’t on the same level, I definitely don’t *** them to be. This leads me to my recent (now resolved ) dilemma. I’ll continue to search, and make friends along the way. 

[Deleted Member]

For me monogamy is there but you need to take the time and not rush into relationship exploring and getting to know oneself is also very important and when the right one is there you will know in your hart and they will too or maybe I’m just a romantic. But good luck 🧚🏻‍♀️

[Wo****]

Just to add a different perspective...

Having the freedom to explore with other people doesn't mean you have to.

I'm polyamorous, being monogamous can be part of that. 

 

That said, if you need/want absolutely, exclusive monogamy then don't lose hope. It is possible.