Profile Bio

[BigPolly]

It amazes me that even though I’ve been on this site from virtually the day it started, & been in this circle for 30yrs mens abilities (sexist yes, totally!) to respect women continues to still be an issue within our flock. (It probably does work the other way too but I don’t see it so apologies…)

This age old topic comes up time & time again & it’s embarrassing! 

So let’s run through it once again…if you’re interested in someone, someone catches your eye, you like the way someone replies to a topic & you feel they could guide you then please READ THEIR ***Y PROFILE FIRST!

If a profile has no information then this is down to the persons who’s profile it is, not you however if a profile has a ton of info on then read it. Don’t just look at the pretty pictures & feel it’s your right to choose how to approach someone using your own imagination about them.

As much as being approached is sometimes a compliment, our world is controlled by boundaries, rules, role play, etc but they are shared by us if that status is earned, they are not yours to decide. 

Yes some of us are sluts, whores etc but that is our decision, our role & for us to choose who we play that role to. It is not for you to approach us in a way that would embarrass your parents. Stop thinking it’s ok to approach people online in a way that you wouldn’t dream if doing in person.

Some of us have put boundaries on our profiles or set limits or stated that we’re not single etc.…..please respect those boundaries & respect eachother.

This world isn’t here for your 5 minute wank bank, this world is a way of life for many of us, your desperation isn’t attractive. 

[AKA_Copper]

Your profile's bio is hugely important. Before I read a message, i'll check out the profile behind it and read what you've written. I'll check out your activity on the forum to see how you interact with others. 

A profile bio can give so much info about you. It not solely about the content but the way it's written. The language you use. The tone.

It's a way of vetting you and will determine whether we respond to that message or not. Regardless as to what that message says.

What may not be so apparent is that we use our own profile's bio as a means of vetting too.

Some of them may be lengthy, get yourself some icecream and/or haribo and make yourself comfy. There's a reason for it.

You may have read it but if it's clear you've not acknowledged what it says, it sends up smoke signals and, as the saying goes, there's no smoke without fire.

Here's what happens when you disregard a bio;

You take yourself out of the running for anything. Whether that's a short lived conversation, friendship or anything more. When you show us that your wants/needs are more important than our wants/needs online we question what that will look like in real life. 

If you can't acknowledge reasonable requests online, we aren't sure that we'd be safe in your company.

Physically or mentally.

It all boils down to being respectful of another person's boundaries and limits. Isn't that the main feature of kink? That thing we're all so proud of?

We have to judge what we're given. You could have a fantastic personality, tick all our kink boxes and be hot as hell. But, ignoring or trying to skip over basic steps is a foolish thing to do. No one is special enough to waive boundaries aside; not me, not you, not anyone. Whether we're looking for friends or partners, it's all relative.

So please, read the bio on a profile if you plan to contact that person. They've put time and effort in to write it. Put a little effort in also. Not because it's more likely that you'll get what you want but because it's basic human decency.

[FETMOD-TF]

Hi Everyone

Today we had two similar/pending topics regarding profiles, normally these would be considered duplicate topics but as they both make valid points, we have taken the unusual step of merging both together to consolidate them into one thread. 

 

[Deleted Member]

Whats in a bio?!

So most of us have done it, we’ve sat there and glared at the screen as that infamous question stares back...
“Tell us about yourself”
“Describe yourself”
“Introduce yourself” ....

We all probably hate this question, I mean who really likes to sell themselves unless they’re a narcissist... oh and there’s a few!.... BUT what’s truly in a bio? We can attain slight information but can we get a true account? I’ve read bios and thought this person isn’t for me but then gone on to have very fun, deep and intellectual conversations with them. Likewise I’ve read bios where the person has sounded amazing and I’ve thought I could make a connection here but then they go on to disappoint.

The issue with a bio in my opinion is that they’re there to present us in the best way. We take time to write them, we focus on our positives and try to polish the negatives, we write, read, delete and rewrite them. The emphasis is on perfection and not true reflection.... SO WHAT’S IN A BIO?

I’m not challenging the importance of bios at all and I do read them with an open mind but recently I’ve found that it’s best to chat candidly and throw the script away.

We’re all on a journey of self discovery, after all.

[Pl****]

Approximately 0% of the women that have messaged me have read my profile, and this seems to be something the internet is trending towards. Almost 20 years ago, I was on a match site called OkCupid, where I did very well on the strength of my profile. Over time though, there was a clear shift away from profile importance. More people would just look at a picture and decide, and now almost everything has become a one picture and swipe like Tinder. I imagine it's probably even worse on places like this with a clear sexual focus.

Of course, I don't get so many messages that it's a huge deal for me. I think most everyone is aware that women in particular are bombarded by garbage messages, and probably the biggest reason Tinder-like apps dominate is that they prevent women from getting as many unwanted messages. As it's not ideal, I've thought about what kind of design would be most optimal, and there's not a perfect solution. I noticed Fetish.com has a message quality filter, which is a novel solution, but I'm not sure it works in practice (I don't know how to rate conversations, or how often people would do it). I considered a system where people could flag certain types of behavior and people could choose to filter out people who get flagged more than a small percentage of the time in those areas, but I don't know how well it would work. If all you want is for people to read your profile, a password system could be implemented, which some people already do themselves.

I don't even see women's messages, but it's bad enough to see comments they get on pictures, from the copypasta propositions to simping to unwanted/disrespectful comments. It's not a good look for the site or the community. There's an option to report, but it's not clear what happens when you do. Different people have different boundaries and some people love degrading comments, so it's not like there's a concrete policy in the code of conduct for dealing with it. 

[Ar****]

59 minutes ago, FETMOD-TF said:

Hi Everyone

Today we had two similar/pending topics regarding profiles, normally these would be considered duplicate topics but as they both make valid points, we have taken the unusual step of merging both together to consolidate them into one thread. 

 

I get what you're attempting to streamline the topics, and maybe I'm alone in this yet I don't think it works. The two posts are similar but as you say both make valid points; I'd love to answer and support both but instead I'm finding myself a little overwhelmed and not knowing where to begin. Would it really have been an issue to keep the posts separate and let members digest/comment as they will? If only such resources could be spent filtering new profiles and posts from the *** and such... that would tidy up the site far better than this.

[Looking4agirly]

Totally agree. Our profile is a guide to who we are, where we’ve been, where we want to be. As a male responding to a female observation/ request/perception I completely get where you are coming from. I am looking for my “princess “ who I would like to be MY “whore” in our relationship, I don’t for one minute think that because a woman is on here she’s to be disrespected, on the contrary, admire her honesty (a profile says what she wants/expects/requires/desires). Most women have an extensive description of the above on their profile, I personally think that shows their commitment, us men will generally write a brief “this is what you are expected to be “ . No wonder we end up getting nowhere. Venus and Mars. I have given a full and honest description of me, warts and all, no point in hiding anything to get to know someone, we are what we are and should all be honest and open. I truly hope you all get past the ignorance and find your “one” , ignore the “she’s on here for a shag” brigade and find your path x

Moan over 😬

[Ae****]

Being in this circle for 30 years and still being surprised that many people don't think the way you do or act the way you'd like them to seems pretty naive.
I see the frustration but... seeing a post complaining about it is pretty frustrating. Spend your time enjoying good people instead of focusing on the bad. Plenty of women do things that aren't great in many ways but I try to focus on the great ones and ignore the behaviour of the rest. And I try not to lump all women into one category. Just seems polite to me I dunno 🤷🏻‍♂️

[AKA_Copper]

@BigPolly get out my head 😂😂😂

[Strix]

@BigPolly I hope I've never offended anyone including you in my approach. I hope I've been respectful. If I've not read profiles I hope my deepest apologies will be accepted. I'm a single person who's looking for that special person who is similar to me in some ways as well as my opposite. I'm also hoping to find people I can class as friends in the lifestyle to learn from my approach I have always thought was respectful?

[Ho****]

Well stated and - unfortunately - necessary. When I scroll timeline and read some of the comments, I often end up thinking, "that approach CAN'T be working for you, can it?" All connections here - friends, lovers, LTRs - are with human beings. No matter who / where you think you are on the entire D/S spectrum, all of it is based on trust and you're never going to earn that if you start out being rude and disrespectful. Thanks for taking the time to remind us BigPolly

[Ho****]

7 hours ago, Aranhis said:

I get what you're attempting to streamline the topics, and maybe I'm alone in this yet I don't think it works. The two posts are similar but as you say both make valid points; I'd love to answer and support both but instead I'm finding myself a little overwhelmed and not knowing where to begin. Would it really have been an issue to keep the posts separate and let members digest/comment as they will? If only such resources could be spent filtering new profiles and posts from the *** and such... that would tidy up the site far better than this.

Complete agreement with your conclusion. The self-styled Findom thing is the single greatest scourge on the site. 

[FETMOD-KF]

Regarding things like Findom profiles.

We are forum mods which gives us relatively low access to what we can see and do for very good security and privacy reasons.

Of course - should someone come onto the forum with any form of sales post (as many do) then we don't approve the post and can take appropriate action.

If you do come across someone who asks you for *** - then end the conversation and hit 'report' and the support team can look at it - they can access things we cannot to investigate properly.   However, problems also happen when people go vigilante and start reporting everyone they disagree with, or reporting random profiles.

One thing I will try to ask about is some form of transparency report to see if we can get some form of figures of how much action is taken, if this is appropriate to have and share.

You can read more about the different roles here

 

[BigPolly]

5 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

@BigPolly get out my head 😂😂😂

Omg….I actually nearly copied you in my actual post as I thought you’d write something hilarious to run alongside it. To then see that you were the other person on the same topic has blown my mind 😂😂

[Deleted Member]

Well said, Polly - Whenever I message someone I'll incorporate their bio into my greeting to show I'm not some horny ape 😅 I've seen some of the... imaginative, let's say, stories guys will send on other apps and it just makes me cringe 😬

[BigPolly]

12 hours ago, Aeonova said:

Being in this circle for 30 years and still being surprised that many people don't think the way you do or act the way you'd like them to seems pretty naive.
I see the frustration but... seeing a post complaining about it is pretty frustrating. Spend your time enjoying good people instead of focusing on the bad. Plenty of women do things that aren't great in many ways but I try to focus on the great ones and ignore the behaviour of the rest. And I try not to lump all women into one category. Just seems polite to me I dunno 🤷🏻‍♂️

It’s not naivety, it’s simply having enough respect for myself to not allow myself to be dragged along by people who don’t understand our world & knowing I’m gorgeous enough to not have to settle for someone who thinks our world is about being desperate. If I have a description on my profile stating that I am no longer single, I’m simply looking to converse with people & share experiences, make friends etc I don’t then expect to see messages propositioning me or greeting me as ‘will you be my whore’

If someone came upto you & approached you in a pub/club whilst you’re with your other half or with that sentence they wouldn’t get any further than on here.

If someone approaches you as such in a fet club then they’d be removed.

This site is extremely positive for me hence why I’ve been here from the start & made some amazing friends (& obviously met the beauty who is now my better half) it’s just a shame that some boneheads have to ruin that. Maybe its bonehead week & that’s why several of us are being inundated & receiving a barrage of bonehead messages each time I open my inbox takes its toll.   

[BigPolly]

8 hours ago, HommeEtranger60 said:

Well stated and - unfortunately - necessary. When I scroll timeline and read some of the comments, I often end up thinking, "that approach CAN'T be working for you, can it?" All connections here - friends, lovers, LTRs - are with human beings. No matter who / where you think you are on the entire D/S spectrum, all of it is based on trust and you're never going to earn that if you start out being rude and disrespectful. Thanks for taking the time to remind us BigPolly

It’s madness when you see the comments on pictures, they’re proper ‘eewwwww’ moments.

I rarely ignore messages, in fact I’ll talk to anyone & that’s how I’ve made so many friends on here as there’s so many lovely  people but at the same time I shouldn’t need to have to keep say ‘no thanks’ to people because they can’t be bothered to respect people 

[BigPolly]

2 hours ago, WarmSmiles said:

I'm not some horny ape 😅 

😂😂😂

[AKA_Copper]

6 hours ago, BigPolly said:

Omg….I actually nearly copied you in my actual post as I thought you’d write something hilarious to run alongside it. To then see that you were the other person on the same topic has blown my mind 😂😂

Bizarre! I don't often get messages here but I had a spate of them a few days ago which, ugh! TBH my original post was a bit ranty so I sat on it, i couldn't find it in me to male it funny and THF, i've done funnies about this subject previously.
Deaf ears!

[AKA_Copper]

3 hours ago, WarmSmiles said:

Well said, Polly - Whenever I message someone I'll incorporate their bio into my greeting to show I'm not some horny ape 😅 I've seen some of the... imaginative, let's say, stories guys will send on other apps and it just makes me cringe 😬

Apes are OK? Well, the orangs...chimps, not so much!

[Deleted Member]

51 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Apes are OK? Well, the orangs...chimps, not so much!

Well then... Time to start calling everyone a slut - men too!

[Ae****]

8 hours ago, BigPolly said:

It’s not naivety, it’s simply having enough respect for myself to not allow myself to be dragged along by people who don’t understand our world & knowing I’m gorgeous enough to not have to settle for someone who thinks our world is about being desperate. If I have a description on my profile stating that I am no longer single, I’m simply looking to converse with people & share experiences, make friends etc I don’t then expect to see messages propositioning me or greeting me as ‘will you be my whore’

If someone came upto you & approached you in a pub/club whilst you’re with your other half or with that sentence they wouldn’t get any further than on here.

If someone approaches you as such in a fet club then they’d be removed.

This site is extremely positive for me hence why I’ve been here from the start & made some amazing friends (& obviously met the beauty who is now my better half) it’s just a shame that some boneheads have to ruin that. Maybe its bonehead week & that’s why several of us are being inundated & receiving a barrage of bonehead messages each time I open my inbox takes its toll.   

I'm not sure how it's not still naivety. Respect yourself etc, that's all great! But why complain about the people who are rude or silly or whatever else?
I respect myself, i still deal with difficult people, men and women, but think focusing on them to be pointless - I'd be posting a topic every day 😅 instead i consider that, this just part of life. Silly people are everywhere, and it's something i am so aware of that I'm totally ok with them. It's like complaining about individual raindrops when it rains. People get upset when their expectations of what things *should* be like aren't met, and basically only unnecessary aggravation for the person complaining.
The people doing the stuff you don't like aren't gonna change any time soon, no matter how many times you give them a helpful, possibly ranty reminder. That's the naivety - letting it get to you and thinking telling them will help in any way.
Congrats on meeting your other half here btw :)

[BigPolly]

23 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Bizarre! I don't often get messages here but I had a spate of them a few days ago which, ugh! TBH my original post was a bit ranty so I sat on it, i couldn't find it in me to male it funny and THF, i've done funnies about this subject previously.
Deaf ears!

I also sat on my message for a couple of days as I didn’t particularly want to rant but had receive so many disrespectful messages.

 Then I got 3 more messages pretty much the same in the space of an hour so I thought ‘sod it’….

[ol****]

I don't wish to be critical but two things shine through for me. The first is that some people do indeed put time and effort into their profile. The second is that profiles don't always reflect the reality of actual wants and needs. People tend to assume stuff and some things that should be under "curious about" are put down as serious intereets. 

So profiles are, at best, a guide as @Perfectly_Imperfect has mentioned. They may ***aph a "no way" but are no guide to compatibility.