A Body-Confidence Train.

[Go****]

During 2020, a few years after having gotten into reading BDSM erotica, I joined a kinky social media platform, where my initial goal was to gain further, more accurate insight into kink for my writing.

It wasn't long before I realised that many of the acts and sentiments displayed by all of those kinky people resonated deeply me. I realised that, during sex, what I was craving was the control of another exerted over me; the discipline served because I had tried to act out and push the boundaries; the heights of pleasure that can be gained by all of the different sensations available within the realms of kink; that slight edge of *** felt fleetingly before being dashed away by an act that overwhelms the senses with pleasure.

And therein lay the problem. I wanted all of that. So much. But my brain wouldn't allow it. My brain tells me that nobody will want me as I am. It tells me that my body is damaged, flawed, ugly, repulsive. It tells me that after having the same partner for so long, becoming single again was a mistake, because I won't find anyone to want me, desire me, or love me. All of me, and all of my flaws.
Both the ones that can be seen in the mirror, or by another, and the ones that can't be seen. The ones that hide within the mind and the heart.

That was until I began to speak to a few special people, who began to convince me that, actually, there ARE people who will like, enjoy, desire and love me as I am. I didn't completely believe them, as much as I wanted to. Honestly, there are times I still don't. But I vowed to myself that I would put in the same amount of effort as they did in trying to improve my confidence and self esteem.

I began to take a few photo's. Just a tiny bit, a little glimpse here and there, of this body I have a love-hate relationship with. I decided that I would add them to my profile on that platform, and was pleasantly surprised with the way there were received. And then I saw a group that held a weekly photo challenge, and decided that this could be my doorway to a new world with a more body-confident me.

So, an outfit and some creativity later, I was looking at my very first photograph that I had actually wanted to take. And to my surprise not to mention for the first time, I actually really liked the picture I was looking at AND felt confident enough to want to share it.

So that's what I did.

I liken this whole journey of confidence and self esteem improvement to a steam train standing on the tracks of the train station.

The wheel set starts off very, very slowly, chug still virtually stationary, chug....chug then it begins gathering momentum gradually chug....chug....chug as the fire in the engine builds, increasing the steam pressure slowly chug....chug.....chug.....chug until eventually, that stationary train is stationary no more. It is powering through the landscape towards it's destination.

I began my journey stuck in that train station, but the fire was lit by that first picture, the pressure began building, and the wheel set has slowly but surely been moving.

I still have my moments, where I feel as lacking in confidence as I did then, but those moments are less and less so all the time.
 

[Ar****]

I really appreciated and am moved by this... thank you so much for sharing 💛

[DeviantInside]

This is brilliant. One of the things I work with a lot is trying to build confidence and self esteem. Depending on where the person starts this can be baby steps at the beginning, things that might seem insignificant to someone else, but the important thing is finding something of meaning to that person. To make tomorrow incrimentally better than today. That you are doing this for yourself and that you have found people to support and encourage you as you go on is amazing. As much as the fetish community and kink sometimes get a bad press (and let's face it, it does attract more than it's fair share of people in it for the wrong reasons), I have had teh pleasure and privilege to meet some of the most genuine, warm hearted, caring, open minded and welcoming people through it. Hope this journey continues for you and you find yourself to be that confident. self assured and appreciated person you deserve to be.

[BadDesires]

Body Confidence is a challenge many face. It's easy to become blinded by our own ideas of perfection, when it's the things which make us unique which make us special. Well done in winning your battles, your train can take you out of this world as your photos are certainly adorable.

[Go****]

9 hours ago, Aranhis said:

I really appreciated and am moved by this... thank you so much for sharing 💛

Thank you for reading and appreciating it! 🤍

[Go****]

8 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

This is brilliant. One of the things I work with a lot is trying to build confidence and self esteem. Depending on where the person starts this can be baby steps at the beginning, things that might seem insignificant to someone else, but the important thing is finding something of meaning to that person. To make tomorrow incrimentally better than today. That you are doing this for yourself and that you have found people to support and encourage you as you go on is amazing. As much as the fetish community and kink sometimes get a bad press (and let's face it, it does attract more than it's fair share of people in it for the wrong reasons), I have had teh pleasure and privilege to meet some of the most genuine, warm hearted, caring, open minded and welcoming people through it. Hope this journey continues for you and you find yourself to be that confident. self assured and appreciated person you deserve to be.

Thank you for such kind words. I'm happy to hear that you focus on this with someone. It can be such a debilitating feeling to experience, and not everyone is understanding or accepting of it, which of course compounds the issue.  I don't doubt that I will be forever on this journey, but I'm certainly glad that I'm not still stuck sitting in that station, even if the journey is plagued with setbacks. 

[Go****]

17 minutes ago, BadDesires said:

Body Confidence is a challenge many face. It's easy to become blinded by our own ideas of perfection, when it's the things which make us unique which make us special. Well done in winning your battles, your train can take you out of this world as your photos are certainly adorable.

It is,  absolutely, and one experienced by any gender. I'm not sure I would say I've won my battles, but I've certainly improved my outlook, and that is most definitely accomplishment itself. Thank you for the compliment ☺ 

[BadDesires]

19 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

It is,  absolutely, and one experienced by any gender. I'm not sure I would say I've won my battles, but I've certainly improved my outlook, and that is most definitely accomplishment itself. Thank you for the compliment ☺ 

That's true. I've certainly had my own issues, but part of that is guilt at not looking after myself the way I probably should.
You're still standing and sounding possitive so I'd class that as a win, even if you're still carrying a few scars from the challenge.

[Go****]

1 hour ago, BadDesires said:

part of that is guilt at not looking after myself the way I probably should

I can relate to that very closely. I'll always still be standing; it's the old cliché - Get knocked down seven times, get back up eight. I have plenty of scars, visible and non, but scars don't bother me, on me or anyone else.