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How often do you recieve the first spank or message?

Ch****

By Ch****
in Kink Academy

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Ch****

Ch****

Posted
So, no one has ever messaged me first on this app. (I honestly presume it’s because I am unattractive), but I am just curious if thats honestly why no one really messages me. Does anyone else have the same struggle? Not to mention, I will rarely get spanked, message them, then still no response… honestly confusing and a bit saddening 😅. Thoughts?

Deleted Member

Posted
I feel the same. I send messages but get nothing back
Lickingsub

Lickingsub

Posted
Here’s the thing, as I see it, there are significantly more men than women on FET. That means that any new woman who joins gets multiple messages from other guys. Just replying to all those takes effort, so why would she go searching and approach someone when she already has a bunch of guys showing interest and who are prepared to approach her first? Unless you’re looking for something unusual in terms of partner’s preferences you’ll need to accept that there’s competition for the ladies’ attention and you’ll need to stand out from the crowd a bit.

Deleted Member

Posted
I think it's fairly common on here that guys message women first, and that women are inundated with lots of messages, some of which are very crude. No one has messaged me first on here either, but I now have and chat to lots of friends.

What I will say is only message people after you have read their profile, make sure you think you are a match (i.e you are both looking for something similar) and then make that first message count, like you're sending your CV in for a job. Make it personal and articulate why you have messaged them.

Good luck and don't lose hope, there is someone on here for you somewhere.
Solar

Solar

Posted
Unfortunately that’s the way it is.

Is very nice when someone shows interest in you but yes it can also be very sad not to hear anything for a while from anyone.

Keeping being you and someone will find you eventually
DarkArts1066

DarkArts1066

Posted
Rarely - if I am honest. But then, I think my requirements are often quite specific in my posts and ads… so it’s not surprising.

I do, like many on here suffer from “one message timewasters”

You know that phenomenon whereby someone messages you, apparently interested in you and your own interests, and you reply - politely.
And then - nothing. Nada. Not a ***p.
Very frustrating.
BadDesires

BadDesires

Posted
The only time I've received first messages they were from scam accounts that got deleted after a few days.
Would be nice to know what genuine interest from someone feels like but the scammers have probably made me too over cautious, I'd probably seem very evasive.
ge****

ge****

Posted
It's a common thing on sites like this for guys not to be messaged first or receive a great deal of attention, and it's not necessarily to do with attractiveness in the slightest, but comes down to various factors:
.
The sheer number of single men compared to women is a primary factor, most sites like this run at a ratio of around 10:1 - so simple logic would minimise the chances.
.
Then you have to take into account that many of those single men are just looking to get their dicks wet as fast as they can, so women tend to be wary of messaging as a result.
.
Again when all you have to go on is profile text and pics it's not always easy to pick the good guys out from the bad - which is why getting both of those things right is key on sites like this.
.
Many men make the mistake too of thinking the *only* approach to sites like this is blindly sending/receiving messages to people they've had no prior interaction with in the hope of getting a response - whilst that can work it's absolutely not the only way to go about things, and is also possibly the hardest way to do so, I certainly gave up doing it pretty much many years ago - people will feel more comfortable interacting with you if they have evidence, beyond your profile and pics, of the way you interact, which is why things like the forums and chat rooms are invaluable tools.
.
One last thing I'd point out in your specific case OP, and there's nothing you can do about it, is your age will go against you - many of the users will have kids your age, or older, and won't be looking for someone as young as you, so your potential connections will be limited as a result.

In summary, don't get downhearted, or think it's anything about your looks, it's just you're in a very big pool and so need to make yourself stand out from the crowd and have patience to find the right connection.
ey****

ey****

Posted

discounting scams....

I probably receive the first message far more than I send.   But then this is also partially because I rarely send the first message.  I think the last person I sent a first message to was about 2 years ago and to some one no longer on the site.

Of course, a lot of the first messages I receive I don't assume to be with someone who wants to do something.   Though, there's every possibility I'm oblivious to social cues.

A lot is kinda "I like that thing you wrote" or "Hey, you're an asshole"

Y'know.  

In terms of spanks I rarely keep a follow on them.  

MisstressStorm

MisstressStorm

Posted

Hi, agreed with the other contributors. It’s a numbers game and women can spend hours just reading mail etc. I used to reply to each account that chatted to me but had to give that up fairly soon. Accounts that havent read my profile but spank/make contact are usually binned fairly quickly as they obv just looking a the purdy photos 🙄

I don’t engage with accounts that I won’t take any further as cyberpal, playmate or sub as you don’t want to raise anyones expectations.

The age is a hard limit for me, if a young pup contacts me and he’s the same age as my child - hits my eeeeeeek/no button straight away, no matter what they look or sound like .

Try to get a good clear profile picture - something unique to you that makes you stand out from the crowd but subtle. Maybe a hint of your kink- see my photo 😈 Never a dick pic 🫣 Have something on your profile and if you can make a little joke or pun yay. 2 lines of text just won’t cut it !

Best of luck pup 

BadDesires

BadDesires

Posted
In today's modern world there should be room for either gender to make the first move.
I've never wanted to be that guy who spams a female mailbox with more messages they want to ignore.
I consider a persons DMs a private space not to be invaded.
I guess there can be a complex power struggle for some where you believe you can win your hearts desires before making that first move vs having the power to reject and ignore the invasion.
I do think females prefer being in the 2nd scenario as it's nice to feel wanted but you also have the security to protect yourself.
Ju****

Ju****

Posted

As many have said, there is a lot of factors going on. Please know this has nothing at all to do with your attractiveness / physical looking self!

- For me, seeing someone as 18, yes I will click off right away as it is more closer to my own daughters age, than it is to mine. It is an automatic No. 

- There is the content of the messages. I know immediately who has not read my profile upon a quick glaze of their message, I click off straight away. If they are going to message me without even reading about me or what I want, need or have to offer, then I don't want to have anything to do with them.

- I know for a lot of women, and scrolling this site often, they have people messaging who send awful messages and most only interested in their appearance. I get all sorts of demands, assumptions and scenes played out that massively trigger me, but these people don't know me or that, and send me *** in a first message. It is disheartening. Hell I know how slim things are for men as I know of one "Dominant" who has worked his way though me (tried) and 4 other women that I know (also tried)... We are all friends!!!!!!!! And this bloke already has a sub/partner. Absolute embarrassment to be honest and it really makes you go off having 'friends' on here too when they turn out to be that way! Once rejected they spit their dummy out, but I don't let someone put me off the good things and people on here!

 

.

 

- Now, I don't pay much attention to most messages anymore. I get tired of the same stuff so yes, needs something to really stand out to me for me to reply.

BUT that being said, due to the shitty influx I get, I am more so now the one to put my feelers out and message someone first. I am not afraid to approach an opportunity if I see one, due to how rare it has become for me. 

But there has also been times I have messaged someone and been left on read, the message binned, blocked, or No Thanks'd. It can happen. I sort of beat myself up about it for 5 minutes assuming the worst but then realise I am not for everyone, same as everyone is not for me. 

 

. 

 

- Scammer "females" are rife on here and the common "moan" I hear from all my male friends, and the Lobby, is "another Bot has messaged them"... So I can understand why a fair lot of men are wary at times of women approaching first on this platform.

- There is a larger Male : Female ratio on here though, I will agree. So naturally I believe some women may know this and can simply join up and know they will have people come to them, minimal effort. I believe it should be equal. But good point on the "seeing a new female and everyone messages her to try their luck", to loosely quote someone above. Bit of a viscious circle, looking at it.... 

- Spanks can be a fun and flirty way to poke at someone playfully to sort of let them know they like you and you can poke back and sort of go back and forth until someone messages the other. At the same time, male basic accounts are limited, so even if they are spanked, most can't see and an opportunity passes by, and then they become even more reluctant to upgrade and they don't feel it will be worth the ***.

- Time Zones and distance also play a factor. For all you know someone who is 1000km away has seen you and wanted to message but the distance for them was undoable. I know I have had to sort of "let one go by", due to the distance in the past. Online things can be hard if long distance also, time zones and life routines can get in the way and some people may not see that being an option for them at the moment. I do believe though that if someone is meant for another, no matter how close or far, they will cross paths and should it progress, then it is meant for them.

Just do not give up. Life is myseterious, so are human beings, but that is all part of the adventure <3

 

so****

so****

Posted
No it's not just you lol however I hesitate to post the research & statistics on a public forum like this. Last time I did I got in trouble, so message me if you're interested in talking about it👍
gr****

gr****

Posted
Such a good comment from EEpet.
Whether it’s here, other apps or real life, the ladies are inundated by some nice guys and some berks. If you’re a nice fella you need to find a way to appear different without being just another guy messaging.
I cba tbh 😂
gr****

gr****

Posted
Ha yeah. I had so many Chinese ladies interested me on another app that I thought I should emigrate!

Deleted Member

Posted
It's just because you are male. If you want to be messaged first, make a fake profile as a female and your inbox will be overflowing

Deleted Member

Posted
This can be your chance mate! Share openly. Contribute to the forums. Reflect and share. Reflect and share. You will begin to better understand yourself. Like DJ Quick said. First you get the power, then you get the pussy... Or dick... Or dick in a dress.
Mi****

Mi****

Posted
3 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

As many have said, there is a lot of factors going on. Please know this has nothing at all to do with your attractiveness / physical looking self!

- For me, seeing someone as 18, yes I will click off right away as it is more closer to my own daughters age, than it is to mine. It is an automatic No. 

- There is the content of the messages. I know immediately who has not read my profile upon a quick glaze of their message, I click off straight away. If they are going to message me without even reading about me or what I want, need or have to offer, then I don't want to have anything to do with them.

- I know for a lot of women, and scrolling this site often, they have people messaging who send awful messages and most only interested in their appearance. I get all sorts of demands, assumptions and scenes played out that massively trigger me, but these people don't know me or that, and send me *** in a first message. It is disheartening. Hell I know how slim things are for men as I know of one "Dominant" who has worked his way though me (tried) and 4 other women that I know (also tried)... We are all friends!!!!!!!! And this bloke already has a sub/partner. Absolute embarrassment to be honest and it really makes you go off having 'friends' on here too when they turn out to be that way! Once rejected they spit their dummy out, but I don't let someone put me off the good things and people on here!

 

.

 

- Now, I don't pay much attention to most messages anymore. I get tired of the same stuff so yes, needs something to really stand out to me for me to reply.

BUT that being said, due to the shitty influx I get, I am more so now the one to put my feelers out and message someone first. I am not afraid to approach an opportunity if I see one, due to how rare it has become for me. 

But there has also been times I have messaged someone and been left on read, the message binned, blocked, or No Thanks'd. It can happen. I sort of beat myself up about it for 5 minutes assuming the worst but then realise I am not for everyone, same as everyone is not for me. 

 

. 

 

- Scammer "females" are rife on here and the common "moan" I hear from all my male friends, and the Lobby, is "another Bot has messaged them"... So I can understand why a fair lot of men are wary at times of women approaching first on this platform.

- There is a larger Male : Female ratio on here though, I will agree. So naturally I believe some women may know this and can simply join up and know they will have people come to them, minimal effort. I believe it should be equal. But good point on the "seeing a new female and everyone messages her to try their luck", to loosely quote someone above. Bit of a viscious circle, looking at it.... 

- Spanks can be a fun and flirty way to poke at someone playfully to sort of let them know they like you and you can poke back and sort of go back and forth until someone messages the other. At the same time, male basic accounts are limited, so even if they are spanked, most can't see and an opportunity passes by, and then they become even more reluctant to upgrade and they don't feel it will be worth the ***.

- Time Zones and distance also play a factor. For all you know someone who is 1000km away has seen you and wanted to message but the distance for them was undoable. I know I have had to sort of "let one go by", due to the distance in the past. Online things can be hard if long distance also, time zones and life routines can get in the way and some people may not see that being an option for them at the moment. I do believe though that if someone is meant for another, no matter how close or far, they will cross paths and should it progress, then it is meant for them.

Just do not give up. Life is myseterious, so are human beings, but that is all part of the adventure <3

 

Don’t need to post a comment now!! You said it absolutely perfectly 👌🏻👌🏻

Ni****

Ni****

Posted
If you are waiting for people to message you, then you're in for a long lonely membership I'm afraid ! I've been on the site over 3 years, and have received almost 9,000 messages, and of those, less than 10 were messages from someone I hadn't messaged first. The reasons have been explained, and it isn't that 90% of profiles are fake, it's just that women get 10s to 100s of messages a day so don't need to message first.

So you need to message local members that you're interested in, politely, and some will reply, some won't. Good luck.
Jinxy

Jinxy

Posted

Here’s my perspective... I very rarely use the spank feature as it feels weird to me to ‘spank’ someone I have never even talked to and don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I just can’t get myself to do it. I’d rather just message the person first if I’m interested. Which I have done. Similar to what others are sharing it’s based on how the profile is presented. Here’s what I look for:

Are the pictures tasteful and not just dick pics? Pictures that tease and hint are much more intriguing. 

Is the profile filled out and how does it match my interests? I’m not going to waste both our time by messaging if we aren’t seeming to be a match from the beginning. Not personal, not an attractive/unattractive thing... it’s just efficiency. I only have so much time and energy. 

Have they written a status update, ad, or forum post? How did they present themselves with it? It’s surprising how often I find rude and disrespectful comments in these. Side note: I would recommend removing the references to thinking you’re unattractive in your profile. It doesn’t present well and I’ve seen, from other experiences, it attract the wrong sort of person.

I also check when they last logged in to see if they’re active. I’m not going to waste my time composing a first message if the person hasn’t logged in for awhile. 

Bottom line... many of the active individuals on here will be reading profiles to determine whether they want to respond or initiate contact so make it count. 

Good luck! 
Jinx

ey****

ey****

Posted

One of the other things to think about is
WHY

Why would someone message you?

And this gets into a lot of user habits.   If a man looks at a woman's profile there is very little he is looking for in order to send a message.  Of course there will be instances where they decide against it - but certainly a blank profile in reasonable travel distance is getting a message.  A filled in profile might give something to go off, but he is again mostly looking at some form of availability or attraction - because so many do not read profiles (or do not care) and will message anyway.  Equally even if the men do read and find enough dealbreakers, they will still find someone else to message.

Women tend to want a reason - and certainly a profile they do not find interesting or appealing is definitely not getting a message.    If the profile is appealing then there is an increased chance but there are still a lot of reasons why the woman might not want to send the first message even if they are somewhat interested.   

Often it is more likely if there is something passive. So for example if someone is active in chat or forums, for example.  

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