New sub 101

[Deleted Member]

What are some things that more experienced subs wish they knew when they were new? Experienced doms...what do you want new subs to know and understand? This may be lessons learned, red flags, ect outside of listen and do what you are told. I know it varies and communication is key but there must be some things others have to share.

[NJ****]

I feel like a basic and CRUCIAL thing is to make sure you are enjoying every moment. And never never get involved with someone irl unless you’ve gotten to know them a bit. DEFF don’t send nudes unless you are comfortable. If you aren’t, and they pressure you after you’ve expressed that, that’s just more reason not to send. Remember that.

[NJ****]

Btw I’m deff not experienced, but I just feel like that stuff is important 🤷‍♂️

[Di****]

A lot of subs are very bold in their wishes when online...."you can do anything you want.... " which I always take with a pinch of salt as I've come across this type of scenario many times. It's a dangerous thing to say with so many fakes and inexperienced "Doms" about these days!! Blame 50 Shades for that proliferation 🥴🙄 Most subs that say that cannot take having "anything" done to them. A respectful and experienced Dom will recognise this from the start, but any other type of "Dom" might not.
Be xareful what you wish for subs in your early days, have limits!!!

[Bi****]

If they don’t ask you what your limits are up front then they are not a true Dom. Like for example I’m no choking no way no how never again if you tell them it’s a limit and they try to cross it end it. Because they then don’t respect the true Dom/Sub roles. Blunt honesty when talking about it. If you are new to it tell them so they will test things out slowly to both find what you need and what they need in a respectable way.

[Ia****]

I believe everyone (Dom,sub,switch) should watch this video regardless of experience https://youtu.be/YxyGhXn9ji8

[RustytheFoxCoon]

Probably my best advise is not to judge someone based on any mental illness in a negative way. No one is “normal” to a T. So to expect anyone to be free pf their own mental health is absurd. What is important, is to make sure both mindsets support one another easily. For instance, one having dpd while the other having a more nsa brain isn’t a good fit. It’ll damage both parties. Once 2 or more people find that balanced environment they fit in, then everyone does better from self confidence, to performing better just from a passion to want to.

[Deleted Member]

For me one of the biggest red flags is a sub who is emotionally closed off. I understand everyone has their own history and things that are going through but if we are going to maintain this sort of relationship I need to be let in to do my job correctly.

[typhoon2]

'No' is a perfectly appropriate response from both submissives and Dominants. They are under no obligations other than those which they impose upon themselves. It's heartbreaking how many newbies feel it's not their place to decline something and end up used and abused, often fleeing the BDSM scene. Ditto Dominants who take on more than they're comfortable or competent with.

[Deleted Member]

How to spot a fake Domme. Now its easy back then not so much

[Dy****]

I'd like subs to be willing to read on the topic of BDSM, and psychology. Many subs don't realize early on that an emotionally intelligent dom is necessary for their success.

Having someone checking in on your emotions can feel uncomfortable if you've never experienced it before. Reading about dynamic before experiencing would alleviate that uncomfortable feeling.

[gr****]

You know there is a book that covers quite a bit of this. S&M 101 and The Ultimate Bottoming Book.

[Wi****]

I think being aware that in both roles, anticipating your partner. I believe when I think of my partner I automatically think about what’s next. Once I ask my self this, my thoughts start to replay what I was told. What is expected. What should I do to help my partner take my lead or how I can express following their lead.

[fo****]

Boundaries

[Char__]

My own worth. Don't be so excited to jump in that you offer your submission to any moron who says he's entitled to it. Take your time and be patient, and find someone really worth it. I also wish I had understood the difference between confidence and arrogance, one is desirable the other not so much. Getting a read on which Doms are which is something that I found takes a little bit of experience, unfortunately. Lastly, don't be scared to try new things, but don't try new things because you're scared to disappoint. Do it because it excites you, but also do it safely.

[wi****]

Consent is everything. Nothing so sexy as consent freely given, a sub kneeling of their own free will, happy to dress to please their dominant. SSCR, RACK and no 50 shades of grey cosplay before safeword and aftercare are talked about. A d/s can only ever exist between equals, no matter what the dynamic looks like later. Oh and kink lists are a lot of fun to talk through, because they offer a more Shame free way to address kinks...

[DeviantInside]

Well I'd say you're off to a good start simply by asking te question. No one ought to feel they should just know anything, everyone was new at some stage, and even with those that have been around the block there's always more to leanr and people you can learn from. Some key things are learning to be safe, not to let yourself be pressured into someting you're uncomfortable with or not ready for, that happens all too often sadly. So knowing about setting up neutral safe meets first, safety calls for during the meet etc making sure someone knows where you are. That all might sound common sense, and you may well already know that, but I know too many horror stories to gloss over it.

That aside I strongly believe that there is no right or wrong way to be a sub or Dom (excluding dangerous practices, or thinsg that impinge on other people outside the dynamic) only the right way for those directly involved. Starting out it may take you a while to figure that out, some of which comes through learning as much as you can about everything, a lot comes with finding someone to explore with. I will say this though, from my experience having tried a lot over the years it has always mattered more the connection I have with my partner than anything that has been involved kink wise. As erotic as some fantasies and ideas may be in the abstract they fall flat with the wrong partner, whilst seemingly innocuous things can be intensely erotic with the right one. So look for someone you connect with first and foremost. As a good friend of mine once put it... at some point you have to stop playing and be able to have a conversation.

I also hasten to add that's just my thoughts on things, I have never been a sub (an anathema to my nature) so I fuily recognise that others may have different thoughts and experiences, particualrly subs that have ther own first hand experiences to share.

[ky****]

rules and regulations if you will are set up for both parties. Don't be afraid while establishing your sub/Dom relationship to be heard. That way you find common ground and can establish exactly what kind of sub/Dom relationship fits the both of you.

[sa****]

As a Dominant , I want submission as a fantasy sex life and in our interactions through out the relationship. I prefer this to be a secret we share out of respect to one another but seen from the outside, as " those two are always so nice to one another " so in love. When it come to starting a dynamic be 100% truthful in conversation about your wants , needs and limits. These change over time and can be re negotiated when the time is right. My first sub had no limits and much more experience but she held back out of fear . This cause big frustration for me and disaster for the relationship. Start slow and build up or slow down for a closer relationship. Truth trust communication and consent are the goals. Like everything worth working for , it's work and takes time.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Elishas5 said:

I feel like a basic and CRUCIAL thing is to make sure you are enjoying every moment. And never never get involved with someone irl unless you’ve gotten to know them a bit. DEFF don’t send nudes unless you are comfortable. If you aren’t, and they pressure you after you’ve expressed that, that’s just more reason not to send. Remember that.

This is solid advice all the way around. Definitely don't be sending nudes until you are completely comfortable with the person.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, DirtyOldBastard said:

A lot of subs are very bold in their wishes when online...."you can do anything you want.... " which I always take with a pinch of salt as I've come across this type of scenario many times. It's a dangerous thing to say with so many fakes and inexperienced "Doms" about these days!! Blame 50 Shades for that proliferation 🥴🙄 Most subs that say that cannot take having "anything" done to them. A respectful and experienced Dom will recognise this from the start, but any other type of "Dom" might not.
Be xareful what you wish for subs in your early days, have limits!!!

100% agree a sub with no limits is not actually a no limits situation and is most likely something extremely unhealthy for both parties. Obviously there are exceptions as some people truly don't have limits but it is definitely a yellow flag.

[Deleted Member]

Red flags in general. Knowing what the red flags were

[Ch****]

The giving and taking should be equal for both. If you expect a sub to surrender completely to you, you better make sure you give him enough time/energy/attention/love. As a sub it is very easy to fall for a D and want to give them your everything. However if this is not reciprocated, it can end up being very bad for your mental health in the long run. So basically, make sure if the D is worthy of your TOTAL surrender and whether you have the same expectations. If not, you could still play with eachother, just match your expectations accordingly and expect less from the relationship. Be careful with your feelings. Even if something feels right in the moment, it might not be good in the long run. Especially when you see everything through pink glasses in your subby zone.

[Ch****]

Another tip is this: There are so many forms of BDSM and types of relationships. Be sure that what you both want actually matches. This can be incredibly hard to find, because everyone seems to want something different. Especially for people new into this it can be very hard to navigate as they likely don’t know what it is they want exactly. Exploring is good, but don’t let people force you into their own personal style of kink and D/s if this is not something you actually want.

[Al****]

New people both Dom and sub alike need to communicate likes , dislikes, things you want to try and strict limits. When done with a scene please do NOT forget aftercare. It is very important. To both persons mental health