Jump to content

Dom disregarding subs requests


Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

I am in a relatively new dynamic (about 5 months in) and my Dom is pushing for a beta sub already. He had brought it up about a month ago and I told him I wasn't interested in it at the time. He said that he feels like I'd be a good Alpha sub and eventually wants me to 'train' other subs. I explained to him that I have a lot going on in my life and don't have the time to devote to training another sub. He told me to let him know when I was ready and that was the end of that discussion. 

Fast forward to a few days ago, he explained to me that he's been chatting with a potential beta sub and that the motivation behind that was due to the fact that him and I only play about once every 1-2 months, so he's worried that I'm not getting enough from him so this would be a playmate for me when him and I aren't able to play. Again, I explained to him that I wasn't comfortable with that and that I don't have the time to train another sub right now. I am in the midst of ret urning to work full time and I have two kids still at home. I have enough on my plate.

He explained that he was confused; that he thought we had discussed adding another sub in (eventually). He apologized and said he would back off. But when I brought up my concerns about this again, that I was still distracted by the fact that he did that, he said “I’ll just leave you alone. I don’t need the drama.” 

I'm pretty sure I know who it is as well. She followed him on Fetlife and he followed her back. I'm trying to not let it bother me but it does... is he still chatting with her? Is he looking for additional playmates for himself (and me)? We live in separate cities so it's hard enough to find time to play, let alone chat online. The "potential" sub is in the same city as I am. I feel like this has soured my perspective on our dynamic and I hate that. We have a great connection and I don't want this to get in the way of that.

What would you do?

Edited by fitpeach
Sorry to say, but he's trying to push his "idea" of the relationship on you instead of giving you the kind that you want. Also isn't listening to your needs and wants or don't wants. And not giving you the patience that you need at the moment to take care of what you got going on. I would suggest looking for a Dom who is going to have the patience and listening skills to hear and understand what you need right now, and not force anything that you don't want or can't handle.
I'm reading between the lines, whilst you say your reasoning is that you "don't have the time right now" i'm reading towards the end that you have uncertainty and maybe feeling some insecurity/vulnerability around another stype entering your relationship.
I think the questions to ask yourself are
Is this what you want in the future
Is it a time issue
Is it that you don't want it at all

This is one of those situations that may not be easily resolved. Since he seems keen on the idea and you are not. It sounds like a face to face discussion may be in order to kind of resolve this issue. As it seems you two are needing to work on communications right now.

it feels like he is trying to do what he wants while presenting it as something 'for you' - which to me hoists up red flags

if he isn't satisfied with how often you get to play then the concept of him taking on another sub is a totally different ballgame to hoisting one as if it's "for you" 

If one of you isn't happy and the other is ignoring the others ones request... then it's not really dynamic.
Red flag for me. Shouldn't it be mutually agreed between both sides to bring in another person into the dynamic? Have a clothes on discussion with him and see what HIS plans are for the future.
Yes, i seems like a red flag. If you feel like you could have a chat to clear up thing and make sure you're on the same page but it seems that it's already passed this stage as he didn't respect your first chat about it. I feel like the dynamic is broken
You could really put “the cat among the pigeons “ and start chatting to the female on FL and see if she’s “found” someone that she’s interested in being with. Maybe he’s playing her at the same game he is with you. Really, if he’s not listening, and already upsetting you, why not call it a day and find someone who will help to develop you, and you alone, and really listen, as others have said?
It al centers around respect and trust.
If he cannot respect your wishes, Then how can you expect he is gonna respect you. Best thing to do in that kind of case is just (drop it like it's hot) and find yourself someone that respects you and doesn't push you in doing something

You kink,  your way. Always. 

This is coercion. No need to dance around with semantics. He's abusing your relationship for his own selfish needs. 

Wrap it up and move on before you get hurt. Trust your gut instincts here. Good luck. 

It sounds like two kids fighting for the same spot in the sandbox. If you can't come to a solution, end it.
The fact that he started chatting someone up on his own despite saying you aren't ready would be a deal breaker for me. And this is happening so soon in your relationship? I'd drop this guy.
Trust your instincts for sure. Communication, honesty and trust is the first thing that should come in with a sub/dom relationship. If he isn't being honest and you can't trust him there really isn't any reason to continue.
I should rephrase that. Communication, honesty, and trust should be the first things established in a sub/dom relationship.

This sounds like both of you are having issues expressing what you want in the future, and I think that if you want to continue this relationship, you will probably need to have many adult discussions with your dom about where you want your relationship to go.

Also - there is some critical information missing.   You say he is a dom, but you didn't specify that this was an exclusive relationship.   The fact that it bothers you if he's talking to another submissive, while at the same time there is the contradictory fact that you have been aware that he wanted to add more subs for a while, tells me that the two of you haven't really thought about and clarified that aspect of your relationship.   There are many dommes who are open and say that they are interested in a stable of subs.   But it's up to the sub to decide if they wish to have either an exclusive or non-exclusive relationship with their domme.

So the question is - when he raised the issue of getting more subs - what was your reaction?   Were you OK with it or were you completely against it?   If you were OK with it - then why does it bother you if he is talking to other subs?   What did you expect?   And if you were completely against it - then why are you still in a relationship with your dom?   Obviously he didn't pick up on the fact that you wanted an exclusive relationship.   Which means he doesn't listen.

My guess - you want this to be an exclusive relationship, but when he told you about getting more subs you did not provide a firm NO because you didn't want the relationship dynamic you already built to end (as you showed in your last sentence).

Ultimately, this is not fair to you and it's not fair to him.   You need to sit down and think about what you really want from your dom in the future and get him to understand that.   If he accepts it then the relationship can continue - if he can't then you need to break it off.

Unfortunately, you've now hit a land mine in your relationship with your dom and you can't run from it.   You're going to have to discuss and settle it now or either you or him or both will be getting more miserable in the relationship as time goes by.  My advice is to go into the discussion open and work for a good resolution, but be prepared that you will both need to go your separate ways in order to fulfill your needs.   And don't expect to resolve things in the first discussion.   It's ok to say "Can I just step back and sleep on this for a bit?"   If you respect the person you're with, you'll give them time to absorb the things you're saying.   Best of luck to you both!

  • Create New...