Pushing Boundaries…!

[Deleted Member]

I’m just curious; on a lot of profiles I see, I will push boundaries or something similar. Aren’t boundaries there for a reason? Why are you trying to push them? If the person who holds the boundary wants to try it they will be the one to bring it up? Not the other person in the relationship/dynamic etc?

[wi****]

Right

[Dom117]

Exactly!

[Ax****]

Wow. That sounds toxic af. I can understand a "willing to work with people that want a safe outlet to push through trauma and boundaries but what you describe is kinda nuts.

[Ny****]

When I say it in my dynamic it means pushing yourself past your comfort level. Possibly exploring soft limits, if the possibility of more freedom and enjoyment will come from it. It's always however, up to the partner. No still means no and Hard limits should never be crossed.

[Du****]

Absolutely agree! I don’t need my boundaries pushed, thanks, I’m quite happy with them where they are. It’s also not terribly respectful of the other person to expect them to go further than their stated wishes. Honestly, I think it’s something people put on their profiles to sound a bit ‘edgy’, without thinking about what it means - much the same way as they put “I have no limits, I’m up for anything”. Sure about that, kid?? Or do you want me to put down the branding irons and step away from the fire? (jk)

Of course, there will be plenty who are fine with it. Great - have fun. But I’m certain there are as many others who just haven’t given much thought to the implications.

[Deleted Member]

Exactly 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Jo****]

Think of it as “the line of all of your hard limits”. The goal, and if I’m lying, I’m dying is to get you to your maximum excitement in mind, body, heart, flesh and sexual stimulation peak. A skilled Dominant will approach all lines as close to possible without crossing them. Firm hard limit boundaries based on psychological/physical limitations is a whole different ballgame and is abuse whether in the vanilla setting or that of the bdsm kind.

[Deleted Member]

I think it's down to context, hard limit for me? Probably feminisation, just doesn't appeal to me, certainly wouldn't do it in public. Could I be pushed eventually to do it in a more kink environment, at a fet club, maybe, I'll never know until I get to that point.

[Wh****]

 I think I’m the perfect person to speak on this. I just got out of a 10 year long marriage. It was basically sexless when we did have sex it was shitty sex and so I came out of that relationship with a lot of fantasies I wanted to get out of my system. But a lot of those fantasies pushed some of the boundaries that I’ve set for myself over the last 10 years. But there are boundaries that are hard limits that I’m willing to push in order to have the experiences that I want if that makes sense. Now this will make me sound like I’m bat shit crazy but I’ll tell you the biggest one. I really wanted to do the BDSM thing nothing out of the ordinary just being tied up. A little experience with the crop whip on the receiving end. Some heat and ice play. Things along those lines. I made up a scenario in my head that I very much wanted to get out because it was really hot. I definitely had to put myself in a super vulnerable position in order to do what I wanted. I had talked to this guy online for like three weeks and came up with a scenario where he would walk into my house(first time meeting) And I met him on my knees next to my bed completely blindfolded With music playing in the background. Didn’t look into his eyes till he lifted my chin to do so. Now that pushed a lot of my boundaries probably not the smartest idea a lot of people would never do that but it was something I wanted so I was willing to push those limits it up makes sense. And to me the once in a lifetime first encounter that I could talk about forever was worth it. I should add him that I’m very physically fit and had safety precaution set around my room in case something was a little crazy. I also had messaged a friend to come and check on me if she didn’t hear from me. Sent pictures of the dude his phone number and a lot of other things tattoos just for safety. But I wouldn’t change it for the world best decision I ever made. I’ve also recently had a threesome with another girl. Not really into girls and that kind of crossed a religious boundary with me that I’ve had any since I was a kid. But I did that in order to get the threesome I wanted with another dude.(still looking for the third if any hung man interested) so that’s just too out of an entire list of things but I think you get the point. Now I have these lifelong experiences that I will remember forever and I just had to push the boundaries to get there.

[Lu****]

For my dynamic it's usually hard and soft limits and a safe word. When I had a Dom we had soft limits that would be taken often till I was comfortable with it then hard limits that I would put myself on the line of to see if I could take it. If those hard limits became a problem after I used my safe word. It should always depend on who's limits they are. If it's the subs limits then the sub should dictate how far they can go; visa versa.

[Deleted Member]

I know what my limits are and why I currently have them. I have both soft and hard limits and if I ever feel comfortable I think it’s up to me to bring it up and explore them or push beyond them! I don’t believe it’s up to my partner to push my boundaries until I decide it’s something I want to do. I just think them bringing it up after initial discussions is disrespectful to my choice or makes me question my decision about why they are there! When I trust and feel secure with someone I have pushed some of my own boundaries, my choice of course. I just don’t understand how people are like-“I will push your boundaries/limits” Maybe saying if we both agree I’m happy to help you explore as things develop but will always respect your limits! There are quite a few fakes out there that just want TPE or it’s all about their needs and wants so pushing boundaries gets what they want, not what their partner wants.

[Wy****]

I don’t know, there are things that I am interested in exploring that I’m not ready to jump into all the way. I think that pushing boundaries is a way to describe guided exploration, sometimes it can be a bit uncomfortable to grow. Obviously everything should be communicated openly and hard limits never crossed. Perhaps what those profiles need is a simple caveat explaining that hard limits will never be crossed.

[Fu****]

The exact meaning of “pushing boundaries” will undoubtedly vary from person to person. But that’s why people have hard and soft limits. Soft limits can be explored/pushed with consent. Nothings stopping you from asking about hard limits but expect to be shot down and respect it.

[Na****]

Are they talking about their own boundaries, or others? Because that’s also important. Like, are they willing to get over something in their life, like a something that’s been holding them back from experiencing more in the bdsm world and are trying to push through a boundary they personally set for themselves? Or are they trying to push someone else’s boundary? A soft boundary, I believe, can be *possibly* pushed, because it’s soft. But it needs to be talked about beforehand. But a hard boundary, a hard *limit*, should NEVER be crossed. That’s there for a reason.

[co****]

Buffalo, you hit the nail on the head

[Bo****]

I know that quite a lot of people do like their hard boundaries to be pushed. By force. And against their explicit will. Because it's part of their kink to be forced to do stuff they really do NOT like. This goes as far as being taken by force while NOT enjoying it.

For me it depends on the boundary.

Let me give two examples for the case "wanting something I really do not enjoy" that apply to me:
Fear and disgust.

When I fear something or am disgusted, for example by eating certain kinds of food, all my instincts say "No, this is a boundary, don't cross this line!" But I'm also simultaneously intrigued by overcoming my fear or disgust and "pushing my boundaries". But sometimes fear and disgust are too big for overcoming them on my own, hence I want a partner who "helps" me with that.

And then there are soft boundaries, things I don't feel very attracted to, or indifferent to, or not confident enough and "need" someone else's will to push me in this direction.

I also understand "boundary" as in "limit". For example a certain limit of pain tolerance, or the limits of my physical abilities and I am very much for pushing forward to get better in certain things, aka "pushing my boundaries".

That said, there are hard boundaries that I cannot and will not be pushed towards and I communicate that very clearly.

[Bo****]

Omg there is no text formatting in this app. This is awful to read! Sry.

[Deleted Member]

I wrote an extensive definition for new kinksters earlier. But you are correct that’s at best a miscommunication and at worst a misguided Dominant. Submission is the willful surrender of control. This is achieved by being open and honest about boundaries. Limits.
Intended outcomes. Monogamous or not. And so forth. Subjugation is the forceful act of imposing one’s will. It is in fact abuse.

When a sub is looking to explore boundaries they will let you know. It is unnecessary to state that you will push boundaries. As that is showing a lack of respect on our culture. And on your partner. I urge people yo remove this from their profile. Or add the phrase. “With your consent…” before it. Welcome new kinksters. And I hope you guys take full advantage of the various content found in this forum. Many of us have learned much even if we have been doing this for a while.

[ma****]

People confuse boundaries and limits. Limits (soft or hard) are never to be crossed or pushed. However, boundaries might mean being challenged, going out of the comfort zone. But everything should be discussed in details during vetting process. Unless people know each other on a very deep level and they communicate about things they want to do or be done to them, no-one should push anyone's boundaries. That is no longer kink or lifestyle. That is bullying or abuse.

[Th****]

Linda glad to see this post. I really don't like it when a dom says that. You're not here to push my boundaries and and I set them for a reason. To me it shows signs that they're an amateur. An experienced and educated Dom will know that your boundaries aren't theirs to push. I'm also a very VERY firm believer that if you're in the middle of something and your partner asks you to stop doing something, both vanilla or otherwise, it's not okay to question them in the moment as to why they want you to stop. Just stop. Obviously they don't like it, therefore it doesn't matter why. However I do agree that having a healthy discussion about it later is going, and at times even necessary. "Hey what didn't you like about that? Would something else be better?" That kind of communication can make all the difference, both inside and outside the bedroom. I'm new to this particular site, but I've been doing my thing for a while and I at the very least know my ass from my elbow lol. But I remember when I was very new (and also very naive lol) to the community in general, I was a little surprised that this wasn't just some sort of unspoken rule. Like yeah everybody knows you don't mess with someone's boundaries and no means no and safe words are a thing not taken lightly. Duh lol. And in a perfect world it would be. But.. take a look around. The world is far from perfect lol. But I do think that anyone who feels the need to intimidated, coerce, or otherwise cause another person do something that they don't feel absolutely 1000 percent comfortable with needs to rethink their place in the community. It's never okay no matter who you are.

[Li****]

This.
Saying something like I 'will' push boundaries actually makes me feel sick and disturbed.
There isn't anything sexy or wild or naughty about knowing someone has set their limits and you saying "I'll just go ahead and ignore them because im Dom(Daddy) and you listen to me".
No.
You respect someone's boundaries or you are a literal abuser.
Expecting someone to go over that could be so traumatic and is the opposite of a safe space.
Imagine if we went ah you have no limits yeah? Or ah you do have the limits you said like you're straight and no male play but I'm going to use a strap on on you or expect you to be okay that I want a guy to 🍆 you.
Just no. These people are red flags all the way🚩

[Deleted Member]

Boundaries and limits to me are one and the same and similar to what I see; I will push your boundaries/limits. I don’t need them pushed, they are there for now and may never change or with the right person I may choose to try. He (I say he as I’m into men) may not choose to push them! Thank you everyone for your feedback. I love hearing different points of views and always feel I learn something from others.

[dr****]

Laws and rules were always made to be broken

[Ma****]

In some cases it's to let the ones with soft boundaries that want to find hard limits, that they are willing to do that very thing. Not everyone knows their limits and some are always pushing for the thrill. I am a fantasy realizing dom. And as a master, the sub always has control. The reason for safe words is to stop at limits. A good dom starts every session with the partners comfort level, and raises the session to a point of their level, then pushes if desired...by both parties. Some doms aren't willing to push passed their own comfort level. I recently added blade play to my comforts as a dom.