SM Learning

[Flipped-Script]

I met a guy online who is totally open to my kinks, specifically my being a dom and especially a sadist. While I'm more than happy to reciprocate by indulging his more vanilla needs, I would prefer that he enjoy the SM aspect in and of itself as well. Otherwise, it just seems a bit too "transactional." So my question is: How can someone "learn" to become a masochist?

(To be clear, I know a lot of this area is innate, imprinted during youth, etc.)

[Li****]

Are they wanting to learn to be something they aren't? Are they interesting in anything to do with SM?
This just sounds like you both aren't a match from the information given. I've experienced getting on and even being attracted to people before but we haven't had the same kinks and fetishes alike. The things he was interested in, I just wasn't and wasn't comfortable around.
If he's happy being a Vanilla (if that is the only thing he likes) then that's how it is.
The same as I can't teach a Dom to be a Daddy Dom if he isn't naturally and doesn't have that want himself. I can't teach him to be a Sadist if he just isn't into it.

[Gl****]

Have him do research. The more you know the better. He has too want to learn more though. Share with him all the things you love about being a Dom and how it makes you feel. It sounds cliché but communication on all levels is important. Also remember sometimes you just can’t shove a square peg into a star shaped whole 😂

[Li****]

I think you need to get him over his ***s around SM and get him to build trust about pushing boundaries but ultimately consent is the main tenet of all we do so unless you know that consent to experience SM will come it will be up to you to put in the ground work for something that may not happen if they find later it’s not for them! Everything can feel transactional in a new pairing unless you ultimately click right away! We all have to start somewhere what’s important people get quality experiences so they can evolve into something more. However part of me thinks you’re not so sure about your want to train them to become more in favour of someone more seasoned of their SM tastes as ultimately you’d have to feel the participant actually enjoyed what you were giving them! If it feels like that’s a step too far for them and you in that sense pull back and search for someone that can give you a return on the investment of your skills and time! There are more seasoned SM players out there!

[co****]

From My experience one doesn't learn to be a masochist or Sadist, Dominant or submissive, you explore and find out if you are or aren't. You can learn to play the role, but that doesn't make you a Sadist or masochist

[Ax****]

"can someone learn to be a masochist" in a sense yes. Anyone can be conditioned to translate a certain sensation as a good or bad one. The desire for it to be a good sensation helps. It's not easy though.

[Ax****]

As for things feeling transactional I personally find nearly all relationships are like that, emotions for the person removes alot of those feelings but at the end of the day healthy relationships are people fulfilling each others needs.

[Sh****]

Ive heard that it’s not something you learn in some events. Maybe you can and maybe you can’t. You might need to be very attentive to how this person answers to bdsm in general, to make sure they don’t feel pressured into all of this. It can be intimidating, but most of all, you can’t be intimidating about this matter. Be open. Maybe do it in baby steps. Volunteer to help them in research so you can learn together. Hope this helps! Good luck!

[ey****]

while I tend to hate the idea of "you don't learn you either are or you aren't"

when it comes to being a masochist.   A masochist is sexually aroused by ***, particularly high levels of ***.   If you don't get aroused at *** play; you're not a masochist

and that is fine.  there's plenty of other things to enjoy.  

[Deleted Member]

It is just like all other fetishes, it is either a part of you or it isn't. You can't *** a fetish to come any more than you can make it go away.
Fetishes are not learned. They are a part of the person who has them. It took me years of therapy to finally learn this fact. I had to come to terms with the fact that my fetishes are simply a part of who I am and they do not define my character. They are neither good nor bad, they just are.

[Flipped-Script]

Wow, thanks for all the replies!

I guess I should clarify: He's actually quite enthusiastic about indulging in a bunch of ideas, and even proposed some himself. Communication has been open and extensive (several years, in fact). The issue isn't discomfort or lack of interest. It's really on my end. I just want to make each activity thoroughly enjoyable in itself overall. Obviously, not every single moment, but in general.

I feel self-conscious about the possibility of having him "put up with" things for the later payoff, even if he's adamant about taking the rough stuff. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but like I said, it's the "transactional" feeling of it that makes me just a bit uncomfortable. Hell, he's probably more comfortable with everything than I am!

Hope this makes sense.

[Pi****]

What about it feels transactional? Maybe you can start there

[Gl****]

22 hours ago, Flipped-Script said:

Wow, thanks for all the replies!

I guess I should clarify: He's actually quite enthusiastic about indulging in a bunch of ideas, and even proposed some himself. Communication has been open and extensive (several years, in fact). The issue isn't discomfort or lack of interest. It's really on my end. I just want to make each activity thoroughly enjoyable in itself overall. Obviously, not every single moment, but in general.

I feel self-conscious about the possibility of having him "put up with" things for the later payoff, even if he's adamant about taking the rough stuff. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but like I said, it's the "transactional" feeling of it that makes me just a bit uncomfortable. Hell, he's probably more comfortable with everything than I am!

Hope this makes sense.

You are overthinking it but that’s ok… better than not thinking about it. Definitely a Gemini lol
Trust that he trusts you. Seems like your communication is good. I have a few rituals I do that help my sub get into that sub space. Helps us both with the transition process. You can ask me off here if you want to know mine or some ideas for your own.

[Mr****]

There is a way to condition people to derive pleasure from ***, and vice versa. It is rather time consuming and requires special care for details. Although my method would be considered much more "Pavlovian" than others. I am happy to advise you on what to do to properly train and condition your subby

[so****]

I want to be completely emerged in this world. My body and my mind are now open and ready. I will submit to any and all things. Why is it so hard to find someone willing to bring someone new, open minded and able and willing to go deep into their kinks?