Going from mono to poly

[Da****]

Does anyone have any advice for somebody who's highly debating on switching my status from mono to poly because mono relationships are not working out for me nowadays and I'd rather have options with multiple people than deal with the heartache from one person

[Si****]

Once you ring that bell it can not be undone. It’s not for the feint of heart and requires a LOT of communication. Like the song says ‘Moore money more problems’ Think long and hard about this and make 100% sure your partner is on board.

[Bigredhunter00]

Brother do for you. Stop trying to please others. If it's not working for you find what works for you. I'm on divorce number 4 because I'm a huge flirt. Don't touch just flirt. Current gf loves watching me flirt and doesn't see it as cheating. Which is why we have an open relationship with rules

[cr****]

I’m in a poly relationship. I love my main partner very much and he loves me but he is extremely vanilla, so I have a equally important DOM in my life. And he has partners as well we are just living life but living it together/seperately if you can understand that ramble. It takes a lot of communication!! Real honest communication

[no****]

Heartache definitely still exists in poly relationships though... So you might be dealing with it with more than one person at the same time.

[roped_kitten]

The word "options" feels uncomfortable - unless it's mutually agreed to be casual up front. They are people with hopes, ideals and hearts. It's one of the reasons I haven't gone there, even though it seems like a neat solution to finding the range and depth of experience I look for in relationships. I don't think I could invest in multiple fully-rounded relationships at once, and wouldn't want to risk hurting someone in efforts to find out if I could. You're also increasing the heartache potential with every poly partner you pair with, not diluting it among the pool... I don't mean to sound judgemental but are you sure poly relations is the solution to the problem you have? It doesn't sound that way 🤔

[Deleted Member]

To be perfectly honest this doesn't really sound like you should be looking into a poly relationship.

The way you have this phrased sounds like "I want a poly relationship so I have backups incase one of them breaks my heart" and that is not at all what its about. If you go in with that kind of mentality, then you're setting yourself up for immense problems.

I apologize if I'm misreading the situation. Just how it comes across to me.

[ey****]

Mono not working out for you isn't a reason to go poly.

Otherwise poly can just be a whole bunch of spinning plates and heartache

Also there can be a big switch or a culture shock - so you start dating a lady who is poly.  You go on a date and it's great; "When can we see each other again?"  and she gets out a calendar app and tells you a specific date.    You can't do that specific date - so the next available one is like 10 days after that.

"Oh, that's like - a month away"

"OK, well I'm doing this thing on this date you could join us" and it's then prospective drinks with one of her other partners.   

This is hypothetical - but it's a whole different world of dating.  

[Jy****]

I suggest listening to some poly podcasts and familiarize yourself with the purpose of being poly. There are many wrong ways to go about it so start by learning how to go about it in a healthy way.

[Fr****]

I am Poly, I’ve had many of those relationships of all configurations. I’ve also been in three mono relationships. When you’re with one person there are three relationship dynamics, 1) how you feel about them, 2) how they feel about you, and 3) the overall relationship as an entity itself.
Assuming you’re not just talking about casually dating a few people at a time with no commitments…. When you’re in a Poly situation with three, four or five people, it’s more like 7 to 12 dynamics to manage, which is good if they mostly support and reinforce each other, but when it’s bad, it’s can be mildly stressful or an extreme mess. Projection, resentment, jealousy, competitive drama.
I rarely say “you should” or “you need to”, but in this case you NEED a detailed emotional self awareness and you should have a very highly developed ability to communicate to others, set reasonable boundaries, extremely good listening skills, etc.
DM me if you have questions about this specific topic.

[Deleted Member]

Discuss limits with your partner and get ready to deal with A LOT of jealousy

[ta****]

My fiancé s 39 and I’m 26, he’s been poly since he was 19 but I never have till now so I’m wanting advice too

[ma****]

1 hour ago, taurusun96 said:

My fiancé s 39 and I’m 26, he’s been poly since he was 19 but I never have till now so I’m wanting advice too

Don't get poly just for him. If you truly want it, then that's fine. But if you only do it for him, that is a path to disaster.

[prolix_dom]

I highly suggest reading the books “More Than Two” and “Polysecure.” They helped me get a framework for my poly relationships, and deal with jealousy. The podcast “Multiamory” was also helpful—if nothing else it feels better to be reminded that you aren’t abnormal for going through feelings brought up by poly.

[Br****]

In a Throuple for about a year now with my wife and our girlfriend. Communication is key to making everyone happy and trusting

[Br****]

5 hours ago, Cage_for_swallows said:

Discuss limits with your partner and get ready to deal with A LOT of jealousy

Not always. As long as there's communication

[Deleted Member]

Ethical Sl*t is another recommended read. Good discussion on jealousy in this book that really helped me in all areas of life.

[Da****]

Was in a throuple for about 8 months.. and yes communication is definitely the key.. would like to be in another one, one day...

[Da****]

It not about backups or if one is giving you a headache.. because that reasoning will never work.. and you could find yourself in even more "bad" relationships...there are real feelings involved.. and it not all about you there is a lot of sacrifices made by all parties involved... just think about it

[Sa****]

I’m in the same boat

[Ma****]

Anecdotal evidence** but the poly relationships around me seem to last longest when formed all at once vs a couple bringing in a third.

[ey****]

5 hours ago, MacFuzzband said:

formed all at once vs a couple bringing in a third.

I think one issue at times is that people in a relationship decide to look at ENM and one of the first thoughts is to bring in a third.

Whilst obviously not impossible - there's so many reasons why this is difficult : finding a partner who they both like, who likes both of them, and is treat like a part of the relationship and not just a plaything.

I think unicorn hunting is a common mistake couples looking at poly options make.     It'd be better if they instead just looked for their own respective partners.  This does have it's problems sometimes that one person finds someone before the other - but that is always something to consider with any form of ENM set up; that a potential partner may have more other partners than you do.

 

I think this is particularly important why - especially if someone is like the OP where they are a single guy struggling with mono so looking at poly... there's so much more to unpack.

That you start dating someone who already has other partners and/or a couple of months into your relationship - get another - and if you've not also forged new relationships it could be that someone who you already hoped for more time with; you now have even less (and have to deal with their new relationship energy about this new partner) and then of course also, if someone is new to poly - they start a relationship, great.... and then meet someone else... how they manage their own time and feelings. 

[ar****]

A lot of the advice you’re getting is about “opening up” relationships etc. as opposed to solo poly options. I’m solo poly and don’t do hierarchy per se, but some degree of “person x comes first” is bound to form over time. The main this is to be open with people on things like dating apps, and that includes not expecting them to know what jargons and acronyms mean. The best wording is something like “I have multiple partners”.

[ey****]

ah yes; and on that

a solo male looking for poly - you have to be aware of the barriers you will face

firstly. however it seems, mono is still the norm - and so people you speak to - there will be some put off by this, - either through their own lack of understanding or through it, simply, not being what they want

You might also find that some ladies who are poly might also have their reservations - there are a lot of guys with the wrong attitude that often feel that poly is easier, or has loose inhibitions, or lower standards - when it's often the opposite.

Add in, tying in with some of my points above - that you may end up dating with someone who has another partner and/or has desires for other partners.  You might end up dating someone who is kinda interested but when meeting you it's not that they're not interested any more but that they're starting to wonder if they have the time/resources for another relationship

and these are things that are new to deal with

it can even sting a bit if the reason they don't continue is that they don't have the time - and then a few days later are in a relationship with someone else - but this could be down to a number of factors including what impact on their time that relationship would have and how other needs are met

And yeah - heartbreak happens and it can be a headf**k - crying into a wife's arms because another relationship ended can be surreal  

[ar****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

ah yes; and on that

a solo male looking for poly - you have to be aware of the barriers you will face

firstly. however it seems, mono is still the norm - and so people you speak to - there will be some put off by this, - either through their own lack of understanding or through it, simply, not being what they want

You might also find that some ladies who are poly might also have their reservations - there are a lot of guys with the wrong attitude that often feel that poly is easier, or has loose inhibitions, or lower standards - when it's often the opposite.

Add in, tying in with some of my points above - that you may end up dating with someone who has another partner and/or has desires for other partners.  You might end up dating someone who is kinda interested but when meeting you it's not that they're not interested any more but that they're starting to wonder if they have the time/resources for another relationship

and these are things that are new to deal with

it can even sting a bit if the reason they don't continue is that they don't have the time - and then a few days later are in a relationship with someone else - but this could be down to a number of factors including what impact on their time that relationship would have and how other needs are met

And yeah - heartbreak happens and it can be a headf**k - crying into a wife's arms because another relationship ended can be surreal  

My advice to OP would be to, at least initially, only look at being a secondary partner to someone who is already settled/nested. That’s worked quite well for me - in a similar position; wanting to be poly b/c I don’t like trad relationships.

The thing is, if you’re “single” and you go into another thing with a “single” person, that relationship will expand to fill your life whether you say you’re poly or not. If you’re a secondary to someone poly and already partnered then there’s no danger of that happening.