Poly vs. Mono

[Wo****]

I'm currently in a LDR who allows me the freedom to explore while we're apart. I'm in a poly relationship with my Dominant, LazyPirate and it's opened my eyes to a whole new world.

When Pirate and i first started seeing each other, there wasn't really anyone else around so we saw a lot of each other, built up a really good, close relationship. He was, and is, endlessly patient with me. 

There have been a lot of positive things happen in my life recently, especially the last few weeks. 

I'm seeing Pirate again soon, he's seeing a few other people before that and because of how he has been so honest about it all, how he constantly reassured me and i've seen how it hasn't had a negative effect on our relationship, i'm starting to wonder if poly is actually what i want.

I'd always thought mono was what i wanted but what if it's not enough? Can i get everything, or at least enough of what i want, from one person, my ldr or does being poly give me what i want?

 

All my life i have yearned to be loved. To be free.

Poly, with the people i have in my life here, right now, offers me all that.

 

Mono, or possibly even poly, with my ldr may offer me that too though, and everything i've learnt, and am learning, will be good for me and my ldr.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated x

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for sharing.

Reading what others experience firstly helps me become a better man and secondly a better kinkster.This site has helped me become that which all along I was mean to be and posts such as this help so much 😊.

I cannot possibly pass opinion or give advise on anothers journey without firstly knowing them well but what I can do is share what I have experienced in the hope it helps you become all you are meant to be.

For me it's mono all the way at the beginning of a new dynamic/relationship.I want to only explore that one person and she me, learn together,evolve if you like but over the course of time there is only so much one can do as a couple and as in vanilla things can become stale And when that happens especially to a sexual creature as myself the end is nigh.

Once real trust and affection has been established then I would always wish to bring others Into play be it at home or clubs,for me same room fun always to enjoy and push harder and further.As long as I went home with that same woman that night and it was I she slept against,cuddled up close then I would be the happiest man alive.I suppose for me I'm emotionally mono but sexually poly if that makes sense.The emotional connection is key for me,with that a satisfying and healthy sexual dynamic will flow freely in ways that make all happy.

I don't know if that helps but that's me and that is what I seek.

[Wo****]

"Emotionally mono but sexually poly" i like that 😊

I never thought poly would be for me as i had real trust issues but Pirate was just so open about his lifestyle. I think it helped that we were pretty much "mono" (just how it happened) so i had time to explore how i felt about it. There were issues along the way and we both made mistakes but we have a genuine connection and he has never betrayed my trust.

All my life i was controlled, i had never been free. I like being free, i like having my own space, living alone. Choosing who, and when, i spend my time with.

I want to love and be loved. I want the closeness and affection but i need the freedom and space too..

For me, i can't have that sexual connection without the emotional one. 

It's about having a relationship.

[Deleted Member]

In a good relationship you I believe can have both,kink and love.Compromise and trust are key,if I were to ever meet my soul mate I would tell her everything straight away,what I need,what makes me happy and then it would be her turn to do the same,then we would negotiate,talk as many do in this world at the beggining of something new but on a much deeper level. girl I got very close to told me it "was virtually impossible to have both".I disagreed with her then and i still do,I believe it may be rare but still possible to find.

With the right partner everything just drops into place and you make it work when it goes wrong,the freedom you need along with everything else is given freely and gladly.The problem is finding the fabled "one"I live in hope 😊.Sadly though sometimes you just can't have it all so it's foe me being grateful for what you have

[Wo****]

Some more thoughts...

I believe in soulmates. Some may not be forever, that's all.

In an ideal world, if i'm honest, i think i love the idea that you can get everything you want from one person. Some do, i'm just not sure if one person can be everything for me. It could be my ldr is that person but maybe he was/is a temporary soulmate.

I am, essentially, in a poly relationship with him and Pirate and i'm open to meeting others. That said, it's not a free for all. I don't want mulitiple partners and playmates. What do i want? Relationships i guess, in whatever form they turn out to be. Different dynamics.

Being poly, especially within bdsm and kink, allows me to explore.

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by LazyPiratesBounty
General rearranging

[Ar****]

It's a curious one, isn't it? And I think I've come to the conclusion that each person with such thoughts as these which they find confusing can only really work things out by bouncing words/ideas around and actually testing themselves. There is no right or wrong answer, only one's own personal evolution.

 

Until last year I had never even considered polyamory for myself. I'd had plenty of friend who it worked for and that was totally cool but it never even crossed my mind to try it for myself, despite recognising that we aren't really built for monogamy. I think part of it was due to some manner of idealism, an echo of the construct we are fed from a small age that when we grow up we partner up with our dream mate and see out the rest our days with them (which is indeed a most lovely notion), and partly because I probably thought it would be too emotionally exhausting for me. I had never even had dates with more than one person lined up at the same time, and was not especially interested in threesomes either.

 

Then I partnered up with somebody who was quite forthcoming about the idea of me seeing other people, and since then whilst I haven't specifically wanted multiple partners (and have not had any other partners either) the seed has grown and partly from talking more with other poly people I understand better how I might fit into that lifestyle now. I still don't think it's for me though... all I have learned for sure is that I definitely find how I feel about it confusing.

 

Following up on your comment about soul mates, I have believed for a very long time that we each have many. The rub is that we may only meet a handful of them in our entire lifetimes, and only then if we are lucky. Then to have a relationship so many other factors have to be right, so that you can recognise one another and link the way the cosmos intended.

 

Perhaps a successful poly lifestyle is dependent on being true to your soul and only partnering with those specific special people, whatever you choose to call them. And yet I feel that by suggesting that I'm romanticising things unnecessarily, for plenty poly couples date quite casually. I don't know. I'm doing the bouncing words/ideas around thing.

 

Okay. Deep breath, I'll let my practical head speak. If one person is capable of giving you everything, then when you are with that one person surely any such thoughts of multiple partners would never enter your mind? However, i) does such a person exist for you (that is something each individual must work out for themselves), and ii) is it truly a question of what others can give to you, or is it a question of your own need? As in, what if you were to find that there was always something missing, something else you yearned for but perhaps could not put your finger on, regardless of whether you had 2, 3, or many partners in a poly lifestyle?

 

I hope that at least some of what I've shared/offered up brings you a little closer to your answer. I think I already know what is right for you, but you need to make your decision/realisation for yourself. x

[Wo****]

I know i want love.

Y'know when you listen to those songs, the ones that stir something in your soul - make you yearn for that soulmate? I don't think of just one person, the same person.

I have an absolutely amazing relationship with three men, right now. Circumstances dictate that i only see Pirate but that doesn't diminish the others. I genuinely love all three of them. Equally. Differently.

All i ever thought i wanted was to be a wife and mum. The wife bit didn't work. I'm still a mum but i don't necessarily need to be a wife again, or in fact, even live with anyone again.

My biggest problem is that one of the men i love lives half the world away.

 

All my life i yearned to be free to be who i am and i strongly suspect that might be poly.

[Deleted Member]

On 2/22/2020 at 2:38 PM, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Any thoughts would be appreciated

I am currently working on wording my intentions for polyamory, so I shall post my response on here, in the near future hopefully.

[Deleted Member]

On 2/24/2020 at 1:25 PM, LazyPiratesBounty said:

the closeness and affection but i need the freedom

I do think that too many people associate a relationship with being chained and restrained. If you are in a good enough relationship, it should feel free, and you should be able to do whatever you want, whatever makes you happy, comfortably within that relationship.

That is only the tip of the iceberg, but as I mentioned above, my full thoughts on polyamory are yet to come.

[Vandalslut]

1 hour ago, DanteReign said:

I do think that too many people associate a relationship with being chained and restrained...

Not trying to be silly or anything, but this sounds very two-edged in a BDSM forum.   Have tried to  message you but it's coming up with message filters blocking.

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, Vandalslut said:

it's coming up with message filters

I am now able to message you, but you seem to have a massive word-minimum filter. I am not sure what else to say without literally blabbering nonsense.

[Vandalslut]

19 minutes ago, DanteReign said:

I am now able to message you, but you seem to have a massive word-minimum filter. I am not sure what else to say without literally blabbering nonsense.

Go ahead and blabber.  I like interesting and in depth correspondence.

[Wo****]

10 minutes ago, Vandalslut said:

Go ahead and blabber.  I like interesting and in depth correspondence.

Oh boy 😆

[Vandalslut]

16 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Oh boy 😆

It's OK, I've got broad shoulders - all that wood splitting...

[BigPolly]

On 2/24/2020 at 1:14 PM, Donnykinkster said:

I suppose for me I'm emotionally mono but sexually poly if that makes sense.

This is a perfect sentence! 
I think mono/poly is such a personal thing.

for yourself @LazyPiratesBounty you are looking for love. Someone to possibly call your own. A soul mate.

for someone like me My ideal world would be to be me single for the rest of my life & have a whole load of play partners. 
I think the idea of poly/openness looks lovely as each person is allowed to be themselves but it also leaves the door open for someone to come in, who doesn’t click or won’t communicate fully & that disrupts everything.

on a positive it means your partner isn’t likely to be unfaithful as they are being open & honest. The other huuuuge positive is it means there are lots of people to play with at the same time 😬

[Wo****]

I'm not sure I do want "a" soulmate. That said, I'm not discounting it. Right now I'm enjoying living on my own. I feel more "myself" now than I have ever done.

My LDR may well be able to give me everything I want. Maybe I can get it from one person but I don't know I want a 24/7 relationship.

 

Pirate came over last night. He didn't come over to play, or have sex. He came over because I needed to spend time with him after the last few weeks. I'd had contact with someone who is a negative energy in my life and started to feel, and think, negatively again.

We chilled, we talked, we spooned and just spent time together and caught up.

He showed me that our relationship is based on friendship and emotional support as well as playing and sex.

That's love.

 

I'm chatting to a couple of potential playmates, ones that would be a different dynamic to what I have with Pirate. 

I'll be seeing my LDR soon. I don't know how I'll feel. Maybe I'll love spending all my time with him, maybe he can give me enough of what I want. Maybe I won't wanna live with someone again. Maybe I'll just wanna move there now...

 

The beauty of it all is that right now, I don't have to make any decisions. I've just gotta keep doing what I'm doing.

 

 

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Pirate came over last night. He didn't come over to play, or have sex. He came over because I needed to spend time with him after the last few weeks. I'd had contact with someone who is a negative energy in my life and started to feel, and think, negatively again.

We chilled, we talked, we spooned and just spent time together and caught up.

He showed me that our relationship is based on friendship and emotional support as well as playing and sex.

That's love.

♥️ That’s beautiful. 
There are a few negative vampires around, you are far better than that

[Vandalslut]

8 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

I'm not sure I do want "a" soulmate.

Bravo! You've learnt something most people never do - there is no 'one' soulmate - and there are different types of soulmate. A spiritual therapist once told me that we each belong to a 'soul-group' of generally around 200 people.  We probably won't meet them all, but the connecting energy is there. Those would probably be termed soulmates - they can be lovers;  they can be friends, the sort that finish a sentence you started, and finish it the way you would have; they hold you when you cry and don't say a ***y word, because they don't have to;  they can be famous people you admire and want to emulate, because they inspire; they can even be a stranger in the check out queue who says one sentence, which hits you like a bolt of lightning with its revelation or truth - and you never see them again.

So have lots of soul mates, Bounty - we're all meant to!

[Wo****]

Pirate is seeing someone Mon/Tues. A friend/playmate that he's played with before and they get on really well. He's gonna catch up with her, and play, on mon night, stay over, then they're both meeting up with a couple (socially with the option to play if i remember correctly)  

Pirate and i have, on occasion, counted how many "sleeps" until something. I was sitting here, pondering, i thought "one more sleep then Pirate gets to play" and i actually smiled and thought you lucky, lucky bastard. I've seen a pic of her when we talked about her and she is absolutely stunning. Outside and inside. (When we talk about playmates we don't go into specifics. Enough to share the excitement but not too much that we go into detail)

 

Being poly is about being happy when your partner explores things with other people. I am.

 

Been talking to a few people about this topic and the more i ponder the more i'm thinking i don't wanna live with anyone. If i don't choose poly i don't wanna get married again. Or live with someone.

 

[Wo****]

13 hours ago, Vandalslut said:

Bravo! You've learnt something most people never do - there is no 'one' soulmate - and there are different types of soulmate. A spiritual therapist once told me that we each belong to a 'soul-group' of generally around 200 people.  We probably won't meet them all, but the connecting energy is there. Those would probably be termed soulmates - they can be lovers;  they can be friends, the sort that finish a sentence you started, and finish it the way you would have; they hold you when you cry and don't say a ***y word, because they don't have to;  they can be famous people you admire and want to emulate, because they inspire; they can even be a stranger in the check out queue who says one sentence, which hits you like a bolt of lightning with its revelation or truth - and you never see them again.

So have lots of soul mates, Bounty - we're all meant to!

❤

 

I'm not hell bent on finding playmates (there are actually a couple of potentials) it's more having the freedom to develop other relationships. Ones that bring something different to what i already have.

 

Like attracts like x