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Advice: my sexual history triggers my partner


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Really tough one here and I want genuine advice for the situation..


I am in a relationship with someone and they are struggling to come to terms with my sexual history.

I am quite a proudly kink positive person (sub) dating a very loving soft Dom. He found out a few months into our relationship that when I was 19 I had an orgy. I personally believe it was a good experience as it was fun, I learnt a lot about myself and I became braver sexually. Although orgies are not for me I feel like I tried something and I am happy with that.


My partner has had a traumatic experience that relates to that topic. I had no idea of this, so when speaking with close friends and him about this occasion I triggered him. It was hard for him to verbalise but a few months on we finally got to the root of the issue. He did some research and thinks we see sex differently as I do not tie intimacy to sex inherently whereas he cannot separate them. 


Initially I was angry at the thought someone could not accept my past and who I was / have become, but after a lot of talking I know he is really trying to move past his trauma. I wondered if anyone else has had similar issues and how they helped their partners/ were able to move forwards? He had been speaking about trying to separate his idea of intimacy and sex but I do not want him to change his beliefs or way he sees sex with me. 

Maybe introduce the idea that they dont have to understand why or how you feel as do, just accept that you do. Its worth giving him some time to process atbleast. Maybe see about a few sessions with a sex therapist or a couples counselor?
Good point! The value of therapy is underrated by the majority, sometimes worse, many think that “you don’t need that” because your are no psychopath. In fact, you can talk as a couple/friends/family but you can “overtalk” aswell, when it comes to issues like yours ppl can be triggered very easily and with only a few single words the causes damage can be massive. So talking to each other is good and definitely part of a/the solution, but getting professional help should always be considered.
I second therapy... It can do absolute wonders- sounds like he needs to go on his own to work on his trauma as well as you both going to see someone together. People always see it as a bad thing, but it can really work wonders! Your sexual history isn't something that is ever going to change, and if he's not able to comes past it there will be much bigger bumps down the road. I was in a similar situation a long time ago with one of my ex's... He refused the therapy and it was one of the key factors that tore us apart in the end x
Acceptance of someone else’s past - or their sexual history can be a tricky one - to say the least, but it really shouldn’t be if there is genuine affection and love there. That may sound harsh to some, but hear me out.
We all have a plethora of experiences - some good, some not so good throughout our lives. We quite often judge others by our own standards - and experiences, because that is what we have to draw on.
If his experiences in that respect have been negative, then he is using those feelings to evaluate your experience in his own headspace.
If you and your partner are able to verbalise your experiences, but still maintain a different point of view regarding them, then that the the battle half won. The real key here is to try and understand the other persons reasons for feeling the way they do, regarding your own personal experiences.
Seeing your own experience from their perspective gives a different clarity of perspective. It doesn’t change the actual experience, clearly, but being able to rationalise something - from someone else’s point of view can give piece of mind.

I have a personal experience of this kind of ‘confusion’ myself, but it is too long winded to go into here. If the OP is interested, I am happy to share as a personal experience - and how I dealt with it - rationalised it, in the end to everyone’s satisfaction. It was my way - it may not work for you, but it did for me / us.

Your orgy gave you pleasure at the time. If I understand correctly, you enjoyed it, but don’t wish to repeat it. Being able to communicate that to your partner, and perhaps putting that past experience on an emotional level, rather than a sexual one might actually be the better course of action here - if he can’t separate the two?
If he cares for you, and loves you, he may have a better understanding of the emotional/rational, rather than the sexual/impulsive ?
Neither of you should shy away from this. It should be talked through… but not constantly. Hiding it away could be more damaging to your relationship than confronting it.

Just my own personal opinions here, for what they are worth… but again, borne on personal experiences.
Yes, this is sensitive subject especially with trauma. Becareful, gentle, and must have a neutral mind set.
As many people have said therapy is often helpful. There are kink aware therapists, it’s also worth knowing that there are different therapeutic approaches, particularly when dealing with trauma. The traditional approach of talking through things does work for some however for others reliving the experience only serves to ingrain it further. In those instances a solution focused approach, where you don’t look at the past you look at where you are and where you want to get to and how to get there, may be preferable. Understanding how the brain works, how trauma is formed in the brain, the links to stress and anxiety (particularly in relation to trauma resurfacing), and how to deal with it. Reframing techniques may also be helpful. I’m not here to shill my services but feel free to drop me an PM if you have any questions.
Many refer to that old steak versus hamburger ideology of sex. Neither is relevant if your minds meet and your hearts connect. If you're sure of yourselves and each other in that way, what should you care of anything in the past. Maybe he just needs to grow a bit more and you'll need to be patient while he does it.
I have some experience with this actually when I was with my ex she would constantly talk about how many men she had sex with and all the details but she would do it all the time it literally made me feel like shit tbh especially because basically she was my first she was vanilla too so she wasn’t talking about kink situations just straight up sex and honestly I told her to stop after a while of feeling uncomfortable I started to feel angry that she wasn’t listing to me and that was very upsetting maybe a good bit of advice would be to stop bringing it up cos stuff like this can really mentally effect the other person in the relationship and can even effect the relationship but talk with each other honestly it’s the best thing to do my ex took me to couples counselling that made it worse because it felt like she was doing everything not to listen to me directly because someone else always had to be there and in the end I actually found out she really didn’t care and was cheating on me at the same time the best thing to do is have a one on one talk show that you care because if things are running through your partners mind and they can’t talk to anyone about it it’s just being bottled up I’m sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick on any part of this I’m just trying to help and going by my own experience I do hope you guys work things out and I wish you the best of luck xXx
  • 2 weeks later...

So I myself have had this issue, and have destroyed great relationships because of it. I realize that everyone has a little bit of jealousy  of the person they’re with, pasts sexual escapades. What I had is extremely unhealthy and no relationship will survive it. 
they responded all the same in which you mentioned, in anger.

I read every psychology book that the university of Colorado had. I finally came across an article that touched on it. I don’t know all the details or his past trauma. However I’m thinking he would still be triggered if he’d not gone through the incident he is using for a crutch. 
I can say just that you are here tells me he is bringing it up a lot, possibly try to make you feel guilty for your past and I hope that he has acknowledged he has and issue and us working on it or sadly you two won’t last. I agree with the others who said therapy. It is the only way your relationship survives. Her is the term the dr. Needs to hear to put him on the path to freedom. Borderline personality disorder with Existential obsessive compulsive disorder. The roots are way deeper than you can possibly understand for him. 

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