Navigating emotions

[Be****]

Having the very same issue. It helps to know that I am not alone in wanting to give myself up fully requires trust confidence and a connection with your partner.!!

[Ae****]

13 hours ago, MissCDomme said:

Also wanting to add - from my POV - the emotional connection that can deepen over time with the right person who is also looking for a serious long term commitment such as Ownership etc - can lead to a lifetime of the best, most deep inner connections between people who fall in love. As bdsm based relationships are the best for getting the closest to another as humanly possible. You are sharing each others deepest secrets and desires. In this kind of bonding - it is totally normal to feel the most heightened connection to your lover that is ever possible. And for me - that’s my fave or it’s part. Hope this helps. Be yourself. Never settle for less.

My opinion - I don't agree that bdsm relationships are superior for being intimate/getting close with others. It isn't for everyone that deep secrets and desires revolve around and are not in sex, somehow. Sex/sexuality is a part, only, of a human. It's how some people find they can feel close to others, but there are many other ways... and some may, possibly, be far better than bdsm.

[xc****]

@betwicksub55 i hear you. sex is just sex and easy to get. i can only imagine how blissful it will be.. when it all comes together.

[xc****]

@eyemblacksheep

[ey****]

So, for me there is a lot of different types of play I will do depending on the emotional connection

and, yep, if there's low/no connection then it can be fun but it does also limit what I might be willing to do, or willing to have someone do

but that's ok - a lot of this is natural.  It's understandable if you can't really let yourself go without the level of feelings that drives you into doing more.  A lot of this feels kinda natural

[Bo****]

I just cry, a lot. 😭

[Deleted Member]

If you disagree with your partner, and want something else, you are with the wrong partner. I once knew a girl who was cooking and cleaning for six men, including her "partner". When I gave her permission not to do this, she was amazed. She left the household within weeks.

[xc****]

@eyemblacksheepcan you elaborate a bit more on the part about limiting what you might be willing to do/have someone do if there’s low/no connection please?

[ey****]

7 hours ago, xcacoethes said:

@eyemblacksheepcan you elaborate a bit more on the part about limiting what you might be willing to do/have someone do if there’s low/no connection please?

kinda like a trust thing

that from a sub perspective, there's differences between "doing it for your Mistress" and "doing it" 

 

[ma****]

Thursday at 11:17 PM, CopperKnob said:

Yeah, I think it's that simple. I'm the same, without an emotional connection I'm unable to hand over control to another without it feeling fake and actually, it doesn't do anything for me, it feels ***d. So, no play partners/Tops for me, I'll be waiting (im)patiently until there is someone I connect with/can have all the things that ilI can have in a vanilla relationship with too.

I am the same. There will be no play with anyone until I meet the right person who is searching for the same things as me: a committed and romantic D/s relationship (that comes with all things a vanilla relationship comes with too).

[ma****]

Thursday at 11:24 PM, Daddy_Emo said:

You shouldn’t fully submit then. Dial it back to 1 or 2 activities. Figure out what you like and don’t and concentrate on those 2 activities. If you can compartmentalize then add another. And keep doing this until you have totally submitted. Once you know where total submission start then you can figure out how to do this.

That is not a great answer, is it? Just because someone needs emotional connection or develop feelings and need romance too, it doesn't mean that they "shouldn't fully submit". Let's stop invalidating someone's way of submitting just because they have different needs.

[Deleted Member]

Maybe you filter out those you’re looking for. That’s an issue with blanket filters. But, hey ho!

[Ss****]

This is why I have adopted into polyamory. I am able to have that connection with multiple people and maintain the relationship with my nesting partner. Some kinks I can turn in an off but others require a deeper level of trust that does require me to have a connection with them.

[xc****]

@Aeonova i’m getting to a place to accept being hurt. it’s not so much wanting his attention per se. although.. it is quite nice. it’s the hopes i placed on him.. of what i envisioned doing. it wasn’t unjust either. because.. we had plans. to do them. eventually. it’s also the feeling of it being unfinished. mentally, i am
good in most other aspects of my life/mental health etc. this is just.. the one thing i’m unable to do on my own. well.. i don’t *want* to do it on my own. i got ropes and am more than capable of doing shibari on myself, even just for the act of it.. i could go to classes, events, etc, but i wanted it to be him on the other end of it.

[Ae****]

Ok. I'm just guessing this stuff, if it's off just dismiss it. I may be *way* off.

Learn to identify guys to whom it is safe and good to be attached, and who are ready for that. Learn to identify good guys, and filter out guys who are not ready, or right, for you.

Once you find one - you known he's safe for you and you can safely attach to him - then, and only then, let yourself submit to him in the way you like. Ideally yes, guys like this exist. Maybe you can't see them when they pass by. Maybe you're not attracted to them.

You had this great vision with this guy. And he looked like he was perfect for it. And that's what you really wanted - the Vision. You had expectations. Hopes. He seemed such a good fit. So right in many ways. Could have been great.

But he wasn't actually perfect.
And while you can tie yourself up, the thing you can't do on your own is grow intimacy with someone trustworthy. Which is a great thing to aim for.

If you're falling pretty hard, pretty fast and can't control it - that may be something to think about. And if you have gone for / been attracted to guys who, in the end, don't want or can't give back the feelings you want to share with them - that may be something to think about.
If they really are issues, then those things would be great to solve. You would stop wasting time with people who aren't right for you. You wouldn't get invested in relationships that probably don't have a future, just because the guy fits so well into the Vision. You'll learn to fall for people more slowly.

Just some thoughts I had.

[xc****]

the vision, yes. i’m at the stage now where i can’t untangle the image of ropes and him but i’m getting there slowly. hence, i think i’m just gonna break it and do the damn thing. try and take some power out of it. he was trustworthy but not emotionally safe or ready. well, he said he’s ready just not *with me*

i literally.. just went with how it was going and it happened so fast and unexpectedly. he had boundaries up early.. and i went by them. so it felt like a progression of sorts. it wasn’t one sided.. he felt some things. just not as strongly as me. there was also nonnegotiable things in the way.. a personal thing and distance. my feelings were the dealbreaker. he agreed it felt unfinished. he was also conflicted at some point. he also agreed there was an undeniable connection.

i’m coming out of a 9 year marriage and have met people after. he did wonder if i felt strongly because of my situation but that wasn’t it. i’ve met many people in my life and he just happened to check a lot of boxes that are meaningful to me. it was instant chemistry online and in person which is rare for me. plus a cocktail of other things to help things along. i’m extremely picky and don’t exert much effort into something that doesn’t feel worthwhile. these types of intense feelings have happened with 2 other people.. 1 i was in a relationship with and the other wasn’t. i don’t go chasing after and continuously fall for emotionally unavailable men and then wonder what’s going on, lol.

what’s tripping me up is.. it felt like a mind f**k. the power he had over me.. with just his words. was. intoxicating. and so addicting and i thoroughly enjoyed it. but it also absolutely terrifies me. to get to a point of wanting to submit to someone based off mostly words.. is bonkers to me. to have this and the physical part of it.. i would be done for. for sure.