Navigating emotions

[xc****]

Give me your advice, beautiful humans.

How do you control feelings towards your person/people?

Mainly.. for most of you, is there/should there be a separation?

Are you able to keep things compartmentalized? How?

Basically, I am having a hard time keeping them apart. Getting to a place to fully submit to someone.. *believably* and to my benefit of feeling like.. I’m at the mercy of someone’s control/power requires me to be attached. I don’t necessarily like this. I struggle with this power dynamic because I can’t shut it off when I want.

Is it as simple as.. I just haven’t found my person who’s willing and able to accept me in this way? Do they exist? Am I not cut out for this? Cuz it feels that way now.

Thank you in advance for your responses.

[MsDrawers]

There's nothing wrong with developing feelings for someone you share intimacy with. Many people don't play without some. I generally don't play with anyone I'm not in a d/s dynamic and broader relationship with. For me, the kink mostly stays in the bedroom but the feelings are for everywhere. Sure, some play with friends. Some engage happily in pick up play. And for some (in each of these groups) kink and sex are entirely different. I'm poly so not monogamous but I know plenty who are only in a dynamic with their partner whether they play with others or not and whether or not this "play" extends to sex. In short, kink is like every other aspect of your person; unique to you. There is no template to do things a certain way (assuming consent etc). If you want a relationship of some kind with those you kink with then that is absolutely grand. Decide what you need, and ask for it. If prospective partners aren't on board and these are non-negotiable things for you, then keep it moving!

[Si****]

There’s 2 sides to every coin. Not to be cliche but it’s true. Being attached to someone isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you have to keep your independent life (work, family, friends, etc) and still be able to have that with someone who probably needs it on the other end just as much as you do. Cheers 🥂

[CopperKnob]

Yeah, I think it's that simple. I'm the same, without an emotional connection I'm unable to hand over control to another without it feeling fake and actually, it doesn't do anything for me, it feels forced. So, no play partners/Tops for me, I'll be waiting (im)patiently until there is someone I connect with/can have all the things that ilI can have in a vanilla relationship with too.

[Ma****]

Every person's kink is different. There are always partners who want to live 24/7 in the dynamic. Regardless of the rest this isn't mandatory. You should also make sure you're comfortable enough with your partner to communicate that. Being in a professional field sometimes requires that same "compartmentalization". Take your time to decide your boundaries, there is nothing wrong with needing time to decide what's best. Nor in deciding that someone else's kink doesn't match yours. Don't lose courage

[Deleted Member]

You shouldn’t fully submit then. Dial it back to 1 or 2 activities. Figure out what you like and don’t and concentrate on those 2 activities. If you can compartmentalize then add another. And keep doing this until you have totally submitted. Once you know where total submission start then you can figure out how to do this.

[Sl****]

I had a huge problem with this a few years ago. I just confessed my feelings to anyone I felt like me and them worked really well together.

I then found that I met too many people that I felt this attraction to… I kept on confessing and confessing and potentially ruining my chances etc.

I found that most of my friends fell into this category of people that I could “be with” but not specifically. So I then took it as “normal” when finding friends I have “crushes” on as a sign that they are a good friend. Just without intimacy and things.

I then narrowed down exactly what I’m looking for and I found out that none of my friends (or anyone) would fit into this category of what’s really right and sounds like it could be for me. This is when something in my mind flicked and I finally stopped confessing to people I’d chat to as friends or even really close people who I would almost be intimate with (anything of cuddling for more than 20 seconds or more things after that is intimate in my description of intimacy)

Somehow it worked for me but for this you need to know exactly what you want and what you’re looking for.

[Vu****]

I'm the opposite. For me atleast I've compartmentalized my logic with an inner emotional box. In my mind it's more or less file cabinet.(if that makes any sense) Some can separate some can't. This took years for me to do, but maybe it's not meant for you. You may need that emotional attachment to get to subspace.

It sounds like you're going through a struggle fighting against your natural order, which is just doing more harm. The more you try to push away the more it pulls you in. Leading to more self doubt after you'll question your beliefs etc. That's when it gets really bad.

Have you tried just going with the flow?

[Ae****]

If you can't compartmentalise (which I think is an unhealthy "skill" to have/nurture) then you need to learn how to accept being hurt. That means building yourself up, or finding your strength, such that you can let yourself totally adore another person, then have them abandon you and KNOW you're can handle it - because there is one person who will always love you and want you - you. You love you, so the loss of another's attention, while sad, can never hurt *that* much.

In this way, you let yourself fall for them, and are ready for the fullness of the experience, because you know you can take it if the relationship were to end.

This is the strength of vulnerability. Yes, its a long road to get it. So relax and bring snacks.

[ph****]

The “*believably*” part got me. Maybe you should start by playing out in scenes. At the very least you can compartmentalize within a time frame. I would offer that you should should tread with caution, and be very open with any courters that you can and (from your question) probably will become attached. One thing I tell subs is to NEVER submit to anyone but a Dom. An experienced Dom. Yeah, I know, good luck knowing if someone is experienced if you aren’t. Learn how to vet. And that could be a key, spend your time vetting instead of diving in. Vetting can be enjoyable, you will learn more about yourself than you will about the other. Your partner absolutely exists! And, yeah, there is a possibility that something isn’t for you that you may think is. But the more you explore YOURSELF the more you’ll find what you need and want. Build on that and know that life is a marathon not a sprint. Good luck and I hope that helped.

[Ae****]

... more practically, and a temporary solution - try to imagine your dom is just a bossy human dildo. No emotions, only orgasms.

[Ca****]

It's all about trust.

Handing control over to someone comes from you completely trusting them. If you haven't felt the desire to blindly trust someone, you might not have met the right person yet. But, maybe submissive isn't your thing also.

[Mi****]

Kinky relationships are no different than any relationship. But with risks. That includes emotions and intimacy risk factors. Some are in it purely for the sexual aspect. Some are not into it for any sexual gratification and may just love having control or letting go and feeling submissive. It also includes everyone who is looking for love in all forms. You can be casual or serious. But the main goal should be to figure out your personal wants & desires - and vet heavily for others who would be most compatible with you on all levels (physically, emotionally, psychologically, mentally). Vet heavily for scammers too as they are out there waiting to pounce on the vulnerable and naive. You want to find sincere, safe and genuine ppl. Always remember the safety principles too, as bdsm play has risks. So ensure the 5 basic pillars - Trust. Honesty. Respect. Communication. Consent. And follow through with SSC - safe, sane, consensual. And the others such as RACK - Risk. Aware. Consensual. Kink. - and similar safety measures. Get to know each other first after you’ve weeded out the scammers and find potential positive matches. Hopefully you find friendship first - then evolve from there. Compatibility is huge. So don’t settle for less, or force your boundaries just to suit another - unless it’s a soft limit you may wish to explore. Hard limits outlined are a must as well so your prospective and safe partner can oblige. And continue to always keep communication lines open. Relationships shift and grow over time and kinks etc will likely need ongoing changes or additions. Be safe! Best to you xx

[Deleted Member]

Plot twist. I don’t

[Mi****]

Also wanting to add - from my POV - the emotional connection that can deepen over time with the right person who is also looking for a serious long term commitment such as Ownership etc - can lead to a lifetime of the best, most deep inner connections between people who fall in love. As bdsm based relationships are the best for getting the closest to another as humanly possible. You are sharing each others deepest secrets and desires. In this kind of bonding - it is totally normal to feel the most heightened connection to your lover that is ever possible. And for me - that’s my fave or it’s part. Hope this helps. Be yourself. Never settle for less.

[Deleted Member]

You don't control your feelings...if you really feel strongly for another human, you just know, and hope they feel the same 😏

[ca****]

I feel the same way. It’s hard and I’m also wanting to have a person who feels the same . I’m with you! 😘😘😘

[xc****]

@MissCDomme what you said about a lifetime of the best most deep inner connection because you’re sharing the darkest secrets and desires- that resonated with me. so profoundly. because i felt like it was leading there. i would love to have that one day. my problem is i did this backwards. i gave more of myself than i should’ve because i was eager. our connection was one id never had before and i didn’t want to lose him. i wound up falling pretty hard, pretty quickly and i’m pretty sure i scared him off because of it. i’ve gotten lots of good advice here and I'm totally going to protect myself better moving forward because i don’t want to go through this again anytime soon. it’s hurting pretty good. I'm kicking myself for the way i handled it but slowly getting to a place of acceptance for what it was. he set my skin on fire and it was super intense and unlike anything i’ve ever experienced.. i couldn’t control any of it and didn’t want to anyway. i don’t want to separate the emotions out of it because that feels inauthentic to me.. i feel and love with my whole body and to give that up seems.. not me. so.. i guess.. to stay true to myself.. i keep searching.

[xc****]

@phantum maybe i misspoke. i can be in the role just fine if im not all there but it feels like a lie, does that make sense? or in my head, i’m having other thoughts like.. disagreeing with him about what to do or.. not wanting to do it but doing it anyway. i don’t want to it feel like that. i want it to feel authentically.. like i’m
pouring myself into him. lol

[savage816]

These are relationships, and just like vanilla ones, every one is different.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I personally couldn't be in another dynamic of any kind with someone that I couldn't see myself being with "normally". Been there, done that, still have the scars.
Not saying that's the right way, just what is right for me, no one else.

[Ha****]

I feel like you definetley need a blend, switching clarifies a lot because building a bond on both ends of the power scale allows for a lot more versatility and interaction, but in any dynamic if you don’t have that personal bond with your partner I feel like it’s destined to fail

[savage816]

2 hours ago, Aeonova said:

If you can't compartmentalise (which I think is an unhealthy "skill" to have/nurture) then you need to learn how to accept being hurt. That means building yourself up, or finding your strength, such that you can let yourself totally adore another person, then have them abandon you and KNOW you're can handle it - because there is one person who will always love you and want you - you. You love you, so the loss of another's attention, while sad, can never hurt *that* much.

In this way, you let yourself fall for them, and are ready for the fullness of the experience, because you know you can take it if the relationship were to end.

This is the strength of vulnerability. Yes, its a long road to get it. So relax and bring snacks.

Couldn't agree with this any more. 100%.

Compartmentalization is just a unhealthy as unchecked emotions. Complete pain in the ass actually.

[pe****]

I wouldn’t know. I’ve been single so long.

[xc****]

@vuudoman i am absolutely struggling fighting against my natural order. i want to love and give love freely. don’t want to second guess and doubt. i went with the flow and just behaved in my most honest way.. he just wasn’t like me. and that’s ok. it just sucks

[xc****]

@misscdomme i must also include that he embodied the 5 basic pillars. he was very honest about why his last relationship ended. it just wasn’t a match- wish it was but that’s really what it comes down to. we wanted different things.