Trying to introduce bdsm to my partner gently

[Shy515]

Just as a warning this is a long post, and it is not as organized as it could be. I would really appreciate advice, as I am at a loss at this point.

I want to introduce bdsm to my partner, but I am unsure how to go about it. (I am submissive and would like him to be more dominant) I have wanted it for a few years, I try to keep content by reading bdsm style erotic fiction. But then I just get frustrated because I can not have what I am reading. I then read way to much, and get burnt out. Right now being burnt out helps because my needs don't bother me as much. But I can not keep doing things this way. I know if I just sit and talk to him about a bunch of stuff he will freak out. So I know it will need to be done slowly. I don't want to go about it in a manipulative way either.

Sometimes I feel like I can see a dom ***king through in him, but sometimes I feel like it is hopeless for me to even be trying. For example when we bought some handcuffs last year I saw some nipple clamps while we were there. He had joked about them before so I suggested them hoping he was willing to try them. He assumed they were for both of us and panicked a bit. But when I told him they would be for me he was surprised and (even though he tried to hide it) a bit freaked out that I would want them. We have only used the hand cuffs once.. and again I didn't realise they were to be used on both of us. He used them 90% of the time and I got them 10%. He really enjoyed them, more than I thought he would.

So that makes me wonder if he is submissive as well? But here's where I am getting confused. Sometimes he will act like a dom. One day he was starting dinner and I had just gotten the groceries put away. I started to leave the kitchen and he said, "What are you doing? You were not dismissed from the kitchen." Which of course really turned me on, he had never said anything like that before. The next day he had asked me why I was so horny that night, and I told him why. (Which honestly was pretty difficult for me because I was highly embarrassed, and he knew it) I thought he would be freaked out again but he just kindly laughed and said, "so you like being bossed around" (again in a kind manor, he was not mean about it) And a few times a week he will just do things that remind me of a dom, but not this direct. I'm not sure if he even realises he is doing it, or if it's all in my head. Usually when he wants to have sex, he asks or basicly begs, which is a big turn off for me. I want him to take it, not beg. So that transpires into me not wanting to most of the time. So I had hoped him knowing that doing those things turn me on would result in him doing it more often. But he has not seemed to do it as intense or intentionaly since. He just keeps saying/doing things that come off to me as something a dom would say.

I am not experienced in bdsm, so I am unsure how to read his mixed signals. I decided to slowly introduce different things in hope that he would discover his inner dom. I asked him a few weeks ago to call me dirty names in bed, which he really took to and does it every time now. I now plan to ask about the handcuffs more often. But as I keep thinking about the over all signals I'm getting, I start to feel hopeless. Is he submissive? Is he a switch? Does he even have the dom in him I am hoping to help uncover? Is it this all wishful thinking and he actually doesn't care for any of it? I have no idea. I am really starting to feel like I am only noticing his "dom like" actions because I want to see them. I need the opinion of someone else looking in. I do not want to end our relationship over this. We have been together for over 3 years, have a child together, and don't have any issues outside of me wanting this. I don't know if I should just keep introducing things slowly. I dont even know what I could introduce after handcuffs and a blind fold that I know won't freak him out. Or should I chalk it all up to my own wishful thinking, find ways to keep content and make peace with the fact there is no dom inside him? 

Again I'm sorry about the length of this post, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Boog214]

I think u should let him knw u like getting called a little bitch sure hell like it

[ey****]

I'm hoping just being able to write this down has helped a little bit.   you know.... you could do a lot worse than just showing him what you wrote - what turns you on and makes you tick.  But, also perhaps turn it around....... ask him what turns him on, if there's anything he'd like to explore sexually or otherwise, what makes him tick that you don't know - and use that as an opportunity to bring in your own preferences.

good luck.

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Does it strictly have to be with him?!? Most guys ive known just dominate naturally all the time whether you've asked for it or not.....in general I mean in interactions) he dosnt sound naturally Domm to me But it sounds like he's somewhat fleXible caring maybe) guy?!? I sympathise with your frustration and if like me sometimes) you want to be Dominated you WILL imagine it in everything ALL the time whether its there Or not because your craving stuff.....my imagination when I'm craving stuff with a Punk singer I follow) is very intense and goes on for hours.....I only look at a band photo where's hes just doing nothing much But looking into the camera and these tape reels start off till I "pop myself off" to get some releif its pretty hard to "live around" it.....I actually have erotomania which is a medical thing) But I sympathise with most ***ps who have cravings/fetish cause its important part of Identity & health and hard to erase!!

[Tillysub]

I agree with sheep, showing him the post would break the ice without you having to say a word! Open discussion is key here. Blunt communication can be a really useful tool and less ambiguous than subtlety.  Though I could be projecting on this as my husband needs very direct “rip off the band aid” type communication!!!

[Cataph]

No no i m not Dom

 

[Exploringsm]

Im in a similar boat as im slowly introducing my man to bdsm. Ive been gunho ever since I found out I'm into this.  Im still learning though.... 

[Th****]

I think there may be a common misconception about introducing anyone to BDSM.

Namely, you cannot do this in a subtle and covert way. The basic teachings of the community are that we start with equal free flowing communication. Which is just a long way of saying that you are going to have to find the courage to sit down and talk to him about this. 

You will both need to consent to the things that you do, and no being partnered is not good enough to assume  consent. This needs to be fully informed active consent.

That means you both understand what it is that you are both consenting to on all levels and the consent is ongoing. Using a safe word means that consent can be revoked at any point. 

Then Honesty, I know it is hard and embarrassing at times to talk about this. The bottom line is how much do you want it, is it worth it, and it sounds like it is to you. So you need to be able to tell him honestly how he makes you feel when he says those things. Let him know every detail, what you would like him to do as well. He may think it is strange but you need him to accept the authentic you, with all your desires and emotions whatever they are.

Don't get me wrong this does not have to be like a meeting with the bank manager. Instead of  saying "I really liked it when you told me I had not mean dismissed from the kitchen." it is just as honest to say "You made me so wet when you told me I had not been dismissed from the kitchen, It makes me so hot when you let me feel your Dominance."

Same message and the same honesty but trust me the latter will get a guys attention far more. ;-)

If you can do these and it works you will have each others Trust.

From there you can work out limits.

By the way being both Subs is not necessarily the end of your fun, there is no reason why one of you could not be a service Top in this situation. That is a submissive who is  pleasuring the other party using skills and equipment associated with a Dominant. In fact you could take it in turns, you might enjoy switching.

It is all about that communication at first though, if you find it daunting you might want to write what you want to say at first, so you can alter it, then you can read it to him. Giving him a letter is fine but you are going to have to talk.

 

Good Luck

[Statement]

     It sounds like your slow approach is just the right thing. Just developing a good communicative relationship is so important. When you both feel safe and not judged sharing is so much easier. 

     I have been with my wife for 5 years. At first she refused anal play, rough sex and sex toys. 

     It took me 3 years before she would let me analy penetrate her. And booke she moans when I fuck her ass and can't get enough of rough sex. Still no toys but we have come a long way. 

     So if you can be patient and reward his good behaviour positively there is every chance you can make this the relationship you want and need. 

     All the best. 

[Deleted Member]

I tried to do this with my ex wife with pretty low success. We talked about it a bit and we actually bought a very light bdsm board game to see how she felt about it. Ultimately it was not for her but I think like any relationship it needs to be talked about without ***.