Being Cheated on in a Long-Distance Relationship

[jeremiahgnndr]

Hello everyone. I’m an international student in a graduate program at UCLA. It’s my first year in the US, and while I’m already engaged, I don’t bring my partner here because she still has a job back home and we’re not married yet. We’re already in this relationship for 5 years, including engaged for 1 year. Some days ago, I found out that she has been cheating on me with her friend. I found out about it by deliberately looking at her Facebook messages. I don’t know the reason why they’re using Facebook message, but maybe it’s not the important thing. The cheating apparently already occurred for some months, and I found out that they are often going on dates and having sex in his apartment once a while.

Actually, I met this “friend” of her before I started my study. He was a friend of her friend back then, which all of them often hang out together. I know that he’s a good guy, and he surely knows about her engagement with me. I don’t really know what started the affair in the first place, but I assume it’s related to his attractiveness for her. Aside from his art-related works (which my partner really likes), he used to work out a lot, and he has a muscular body. My GF often teased him by saying that his biceps looked like chicken thigh, but sometimes when both of us were alone, she encouraged me to go to the gym so I can be healthier and more attractive for her just like him. Maybe, I should know about the signs even before I left. One day (again, it was before my flight to the US), I hang out with him because he was having this art exhibition and my GF was really eager to come. In an after-party, he jokingly said that my GF and I should try swing sometime. We laughed because such an idea never came to minds. However, he insisted that he would be interested in participating in a swing with us because it would spice things up. I always assumed that it was just a joke before I found out about them.

After I found out about the affair, I’ve been routinely checking her Facebook message, and it was crazy. At one point, my fiancée said that she’s feeling guilty because she’s cheating on me, yet she said that she started to develop an emotional attachment to him. He replied by saying that I wouldn’t know about them and he said that he also liked her for a lot of reasons. He also said that he didn’t have any intention to wreck her relationship with me as long as they could see each other as usual. Two days ago, he invited her to his art exhibition and saying that “we can embracing each other’s arts later that your fiancé can’t do.” She replied by saying that he’s the best and I couldn’t beat him in bed. As I scrolled through the messages, I found a lot of flirting that my fiancée did to him. She repeatedly said that she adores his body, his determined mind in doing art and working out, and his expertise during sex.

I’ve been trying to mention his name in our conversation lately. She never ditched the topic, and it seems like nothing happened between them. She mentioned his art exhibition that she attended to, and so on. Yesterday, I found out that she’s sleeping in his place, and I decided to call her to know her reaction. She picked up the phone and lying by telling me that she was at her friend’s place, and this guy also was there. He even said “hi” to me and asked about my life in the US nonchalantly. He also said that some guys tried to approach her these couple of months and he fought these guys because he knows that she has a partner abroad.

The thing is, I always have this specific fetish on being a cuckold and seeing my partner fuck in front of me. Yet, it’s all fantasies. On the one hand, looking through her texts and knowing that she’s having an affair behind my back turned me on. It made me feel humiliated (in a good way), and it always turns me on to imagine both of them while they are having sex. On the other hand, I don’t know what do to do about all of it. Should I tell her that I know about all the things she did behind my back and I’m okay with it? I plan to do it today because I really want her to know that I know. Yet, I’m afraid that it’d ruin our relationship, but again, I’m really interested if she’ll tell all the things they do together. What do you think of it? I appreciate all responses and feedbacks. Thank you!

[Deleted Member]

There's a difference between cheating on you behind your back and having your permission to fuck people in front of you. Get rid of the dopey cow.

[Deleted Member]

Honesty if everything , tell her your suspicions, and how turned on being cuckolded makes you and go from there

[SJ5461]

Even though it turns you on I don’t think you should stay with someone who cheats on you.

[KCurious]

Ah hi Jeremiahgndr

Do what you think, not what others think. 

Do what your heart tells you and not what your mind is telling you, really feel that feeling then make a crucial decision one that you know, you won’t regret and what is best for your relationship with your fiancée. 

Personally, cheating is a turn off for me and I have experienced it before but really it’s how much you love that person and still want them in your life even their misdeeds and detriment upon our relationship.  However, if it’s a turn on thing for you then there’s nothing to overthink about it. Although my *** of ruining or losing the relationship is different to your circumstance. Someone in my life has told me if I don’t try ,then I will never be able to reach happiness nor know what I would have missed , a better life that I apparently deserve. 

 

All the best, I hope you find your way ☘️

 

[Ki****]

Oh may be she do not have this kink ,maybe she will be turned off and the most important thing she cheated on you ,it is way different than have deal for open relationship ,u r engaged n u trust her ,i am sorry i think it does not work like that

[Deleted Member]

The main concern that I have is that she cheated on you. She violated the boundaries of the relationship, who knows when it will happen again, so its probably not a good idea to open up to her. 

Frankly, i hate cheating, so maybe thats why i have such a negative opinion about telling her about your fetish. 

I would suggest ending the relationship as she already betrayed you when you were at the engagement stage, i would rather not risk finding out what more she is capable of. 

[Deleted Member]

You seem to be very confused by this, and rightly so. It's a complex situation. However, it is not something which people on a forum can help you with. At the end of the day, whether you tell her or not, you know she is cheating on you. She is cheating on you, and, you are okay with it -- in many ways, you should be thankful that you are turned on by such things, otherwise this could be quite a heartbreaking situation. Going by what you've said already, telling her directly would only rock the boat. It would put her in a defensive state and she may well worry that she's upset you. At that point, anything you say afterwards will be lost amidst the worry. Try, instead, to use this information to get what you want. Rather than bring up her cheating on you. Mention in passing how you've been thinking about your sexuality. About things you've never done, would like to try, and things you've fantasised about. Act like everything is normal. When she asks, mention your kink, as well as the idea of being non-monogamous. Mention how you've watched some documentarys, read some books, been on forums, or binge-read articles on the subjects, and then ask her what her opinion is of it. Ask her what her fantasies are and make it as much about her sexual fulfilment as yours. At the end of the day, "cheating" is just a construct. It's an artifact from an older era. If you don't feel it would damage your perception of her, and if you'd like to add new dimensions to your sex life, then approach it with pure positivity. Don't even mention that you know she's been cheating. Use this as a stepping stone toward fulfilment -- both yours and hers. This seems like the perfect way to keep you guys close while your abroad. if it goes badly, and she decides to leave you, then that's just the risk you take. Such an event would happen even if you didn't mention it. So, you might aswell be honest, open, positive, and excited about this moment of self-discovery. At very least, she will respect you for being so true to yourself. And there's nothing people like more than somebody who is true to themselves.

[Deleted Member]

cheating is always a difficult one, because its a raw emotion. Its your kink so its not like you are hurt anywhere, your issue is to tell your partner of 5 years. I think if she didnt love you she would have left you for him. Dont forget women are more receptive than us and she might have noticed that you are not reallly jealous or angry that she meet up vanilla with him. Any other men would have argue about it. 

Like footboy said, you should drop a hint about cuckold, or your fantasy to her. Or tell her about the guy fantasy about having sex with you two as a joke, but find the right time to say it. Timing and discussion are always important.

 

[jeremiahgnndr]

On 4/18/2019 at 7:19 AM, Kijiralula said:

Oh may be she do not have this kink ,maybe she will be turned off and the most important thing she cheated on you ,it is way different than have deal for open relationship ,u r engaged n u trust her ,i am sorry i think it does not work like that

Thank you for the response!

[jeremiahgnndr]

On 4/18/2019 at 10:59 AM, Sid636 said:

The main concern that I have is that she cheated on you. She violated the boundaries of the relationship, who knows when it will happen again, so its probably not a good idea to open up to her. 

Frankly, i hate cheating, so maybe thats why i have such a negative opinion about telling her about your fetish. 

I would suggest ending the relationship as she already betrayed you when you were at the engagement stage, i would rather not risk finding out what more she is capable of. 

Thank you for the response!