Separating kink from your relationship.

[Kruntz]

I get a feeling a lot of women into BDSM view men as kink dispensers and not people. 

By this I mean they expect the "Dom" dynamic to exist when ever they want, basically showing vulnerability is even viewed more poorly than a traditional relationship.

I definitely enjoy BDSM and the controlling role but I'm never going to play it across all sections of our relationship.

I'm a person, I like kink, I'm not super-dom 9000 and I have no desire to pretend to be. This statement seems to break a lot of fantasies I see around here.

[Deleted Member]

I think what you’re describing is known as being in a lifestyle dynamic. Not all dynamics function that way, in fact I’d say most don’t. I’d recommend researching different dynamics so that you can find the terms best suiting your own and state that in your profile.

[ey****]

The majority of relationships with kink in them don't follow protocol D/s - but a lot of people still swing to it as a default.  And it isn't really what one partner or the other is looking for.

But having any form of kink in relationships - then obviously you're both going to want to do some form of play, so trying to balance to both your wants is important.   If someone is more demanding on play than the other can offer, it's not going to work. 

[ge****]

I don't see women viewing men as kink dispensers for the most part at all - in fact quite the opposite and the other way round.
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Regardless ultimately it comes down to mutual agreement, discussion and setting expectations on both parts as to what any given dynamic looks like - for some it will be a 24/7 requirement, for others an occasional thing - the key is finding those you are compatible with in terms of that expectation.

[Ar****]

I'd agree with @gemini_man- the problem I see as prevalent is a considerable number of men viewing women as kink dispensers, as evidenced by the volume/type of messages they send and how they respond to perceived rejection as well as the oftentimes grim comments sitting plain-to-see under oh so many photos and status updates.

Whereas - whilst I've certainly had some bad experiences - I've tended to find that when I've engaged in a dynamic with somebody, they've very much made it clear that kink is one aspect and that I'm not expected to be on call/on demand to Dom them whenever they want. They respect me so they respect my boundaries and needs the same as I do theirs; it's all about communication and mutual understanding/support. 

[Kruntz]

6 hours ago, polywitch said:

I think what you’re describing is known as being in a lifestyle dynamic. Not all dynamics function that way, in fact I’d say most don’t. I’d recommend researching different dynamics so that you can find the terms best suiting your own and state that in your profile.

It's mostly that people on these sites want the interaction limited to fetish play. Which I understand but I wouldn't call it dating. 

[Ju****]

I'd have to agree with the comments about the opposite.. there are many many more men using women as kink dispensers. Perhaps you've just met some pretty selfish people.

With any relationship, you need limits, boundaries and communication along with respect. From the get go, note with one another on how and when you want kink to be present, how often etc also.

That way you both know where you stand at the beginning, and if it naturally develops more kink direction great, but if one or the other is pushing it, then another discussion to revisit boundaries are needed. 

 I do agree with the comment stating, if both have different want/need levels of kink from one another perhaps you're not all that compatible and it will end up flopping. But again the discussion at the beginning is a way to minimalise things going wrong. 

 

For me personally, I have no desire to be into kink 24/7. I like to practice it with my partner sure, but it doesn't rule our relationship. It is simply present. 

This is why, for me, I prefer to be in a relationship, as opposed to a dynamic. I like the romance and intimacy and affection, which is present sure, in dynamics, but it (kink) isn't expected in every interaction of a relationship, where it can be in a dynamic. 

I don't like feeling pressure or having something expected of me all the time (my own battles and struggles limit me), but in my relationship, when kink can come into play it feels so much more worth it, rewarding and a nice change. But, like everything, you need moderation and a healthy balance. The right people for you, this is just the way of it from the start usually. People unsuitable it can be a rollercoaster at times but it's all part of the journey I guess.

[Go****]

I can't agree more with all these statements. As a Female Dom, I to get subs/slaves wanting the 24/7 interaction every day/multiple times a day.

I am VERY clear of what I'm looking for and NOT looking for in my profile. I am also very upfront with our first chat interaction and getting the information needed of everyone's expectations.

This app delievers many different dynamics to meet the varies levels of knowledge, especially for those new and growing into their awareness and what they want, some are looking for love and relationship with someone who's more open minded, and there are people like me, who are looking for like minded people to share with, learn from, and have play time without a personal relationship aspect.

Key to all of this and advice is the same. Be Up Front, but not all people have the courage to speak their truth about what they are truly want from a dynamic, so they may have time with you. That approved, in the end of the day, that kind of approach doesn't get the outcome

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Kruntz said:

It's mostly that people on these sites want the interaction limited to fetish play. Which I understand but I wouldn't call it dating. 

I can agree with that. It’s rather frustrating as I’ve experienced that a lot personally, especially when I tell people I don’t play with anyone I’m not dating. As soon as commitment comes in they ghost.

[fft2024]

it's bi-directional.

 

[Rzero]

Super-Dom 9000, the water-proof rechargeable spanking degrading restraining machine (patented *** tank and nozzle sold separately) Now featuring adjustable roughness controls. Choose from five aftercare protocols. Programmed in twelve languages plus Samuel L. Jackson. Manufacturer is not responsible for *** incurred due to forgotten safeword.

 

I'm going to be rich. Anybody know how to build a robot?

 

Genius product development aside, I agree with the above posts. I'm very clear in my bio that I want to share more than kink, and I've had everything from long distance phone play to an IRL relationship that lasted over a year. We worked to whatever degree for however long partially because we were upfront about wanting non-kink time in addition to play time. I enjoy no strings and casual relationships too, but if we're going to spend time hanging out together on the phone or on the couch, I want to talk about other stuff too, even if we were deep in a scene an hour ago, and I, as a dom, deserve the same refusal rights as my sub. If we're not both into it then and there, it shouldn't be happening. One partner expecting the other to perform on command is a recipe for a stressful relationship soon followed by a breakup.

[ph****]

I’m gonna try to do this line by line …
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“Kink dispensers”: maybe some women, I’m not sure what “a lot” amounts to. There are shitty people, and, shitty people are shitty people, but…
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I’m not sure what a “Dom dynamic” is. For there to be a dynamic a sub would have to be included. “Vulnerability” is an interesting one. The Dom should be the leader and as such, yeah, something like vulnerability may show a lack of decisiveness. More accurately, if there is a reason for vulnerability, a root cause that hints at, let’s say akin to not having their shit together, for certain doubt can, and probably will, work it’s way into the subs mind. I’d say, good on the sub. If it’s “vulnerability” that shows an openness and honesty, cool, but maybe the sub isn’t looking for that. If that’s the case, it’s isn’t women, it’s just “not a match.” No harm, no foul.
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“Playing it across all sections”: Total Power Exchange is a thing. If one wants it, and the other doesn’t, again, it’s just “not a match.” My sub is free use, and I use her freely, right now we’re sitting down having coffee, low protocol, chilling. Total Power is a feeling more than an action, to me. Again, to me. To someone else, it’s something else.
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As far as breaking fantasies, again, I don’t know what a lot means. Your description/bio explains enough about you that any potential should have enough information to start with. But I can say that women get into trouble thinking they can turn a bad boy good. You’re a good looking guy, you’re gonna attract women. Maybe, just maybe, they’re trying to turn the good boy bad.
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If you’re not about that life, they’re not about you. I prolly coulda started and ended with that.
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Good luck.

[Deleted Member]

I have had 8 relationships in my life, 7 were with men who were vanilla in and out of bed, and one was into kink and domination but also beat the living shit out of me outside of bed so had to go. My ideal man would be one who is a proper partner, a chilled, relaxed, nice guy who treats me with respect in day to day life and that protects me and wants to be my friend, but once the door is locked can absolutely make me submit, destroys me and has even more kinks than me. As my kink is a pretty violent one I have always had to give it up to have a relationship with a nice guy, or endure unwanted *** and *** to get the level of kink I want in bed. I was never lucky enough to meet a guy that could be both for me. I'm sure there are many and mine is somewhere out there but damn its being hard to find.