Doms not leading conversations....

[bb****]

I'm finding that I'm recieving DMs but that individuals identifying as Dominant, can't or won't lead the conversation.

In the end I've had to say... Im interested to chat with you.
I can hold my end of a conversation but if we come to an intersection in that discussion, I'll typically wait for you to lead us into a new discussion.

Now It's not that i can't lead a conversation..i do, a lot, with friends without benefits. As with being physically overpowered, it turns me on to know that a Dom can control a situation/dynamic/interaction better than I can.

I'm always interested to learn and better understand. So Doms, Is it shyness? Is it a bedroom vs lifestyle thing? Are you checking interest?

[Deleted Member]

Think it depends on the conversation really. I find even subs tend to read and not respond as well. I am an inquisitive person so I tend to ask a lot in the beginning to understand the person I am talking with. But I don't think this is limited to just Dom's. Conversation is two way.

[pa****]

I personally said hi, but if your not interested in a guy they cannot lead a conversation.

[Ceejayuk]

Maybe they just dont have a real interest in online, I will chat to people online, i dont really try to dominate online. Or sometimes If I'm busy and skimmed over chats, ive gone to reply, but then switched apps before the message sent, I've assumed it went and it had not etc.

[hi****]

I think its more to do with the personality of the individual more than anything. Mixed with experience and also initial hesitation as not initially wanting to insult or upset especially when building trust. It could also be that the "online " personality is just there alter ego and they generally might not have a clue. I from experience find that when you do connect with someone on your wave length it makes it so much more enjoyable and intense as they are heads and shoulders above every one before in regards to meeting your needs.

This is just my thoughts on the subject I may be way off so don't come at me hahaha

[Au****]

I identify 100% with your post. Leading the conversation with a dominant part is so NOT my thing, and for me shows either incompatibility or lack of interest.

[Tr****]

For me I'm very kind and giving at first and then test boundaries until we're in a solid groove. I'm not going to start commanding you in message one, or probably even the first conversation, you are a person.
So it might be that they test slower than you would like and that's something to bring up. It could be that they only dominate in certain situations and not 24/7 or that they don't enjoy online play as well. I think it's a case by case basis

[ge****]

For me it shouldn't be incumbent on either person to lead a conversation, regardless of whether it's D/s or plain and simple vanilla - a conversation either flows naturally or it doesn't.
.
If that's not happening it's neither person's fault as such - more a sign of potential incompatibility.
.
There's nothing worse than awkward silences or sitting trying to think of something to say, and when that happens frankly I tend to let it fizzle out naturally.

[Ar****]

17 minutes ago, TrashKing said:

For me I'm very kind and giving at first and then test boundaries until we're in a solid groove. I'm not going to start commanding you in message one, or probably even the first conversation, you are a person.
So it might be that they test slower than you would like and that's something to bring up. It could be that they only dominate in certain situations and not 24/7 or that they don't enjoy online play as well. I think it's a case by case basis

I think it might be important to recognise that the OP isn't suggesting they are at all interested in being "commanded" during a first conversation (while such situations occur they are a distinct minority).

The topic appears to simply be about an individual's ability to drive a conversation, no?

[Ma****]

I'm the type of dom that doesn't and won't indulge in the thought of having to entertain someone for days/weeks in order to get to the physical act itself. One thing I've learned... Many subs aren't serious about actually having direct contact or can't make their minds up on it and the idea of having entertained them for days/weeks is very offputting.

[Si****]

Beg for it first 🙇🏽‍♀️

[ge****]

4 minutes ago, Maciah said:

I'm the type of dom that doesn't and won't indulge in the thought of having to entertain someone for days/weeks in order to get to the physical act itself. One thing I've learned... Many subs aren't serious about actually having direct contact or can't make their minds up on it and the idea of having entertained them for days/weeks is very offputting.

Or conversely perhaps those subs are very serious and are being cautious about potentially placing themselves in a *** position with a "stranger off the Internet" and want to take their time to get to know them before doing so? 🤔
.
I know that any dominant that expected to meet me within "days" or even "weeks" wouldn't be for me, yet I'm very serious about my submission and the prospect of meeting people to explore it.

[Deleted Member]

For me, I am gauging the submissive. I’m not going to be too authoritative in initial conversation until I am sure that
1) she is into what I want as well.
2) she is real and not one of these sugar babies begging for ***.
3) there is a comfortable trust between us.

Only then will I take control of the conversation.

[An****]

It's a difficult one to answer, as I would say 50/50 complete their profile fully, i.e. in what they are seeking, are they Switch or Sub. I always read the profile, then send a message based on what they stated. If they reply I lead off with finding out specifically what they are really wanting, the vetting process, so yes I am leading. I don't go in the hard Dominant way, you will either a ***ve the Sub off, you don't even know them yet, if you've engaged and that's what she is into and wants yes by all means, you're building a connection to begin with, if you can't hold a conversation normally and lead naturally you're going to find it very hard to keep a conversation going.

Unfortunately FET chat system isn't the best it's very clunky at best. So once you've established communication and the Sub trusts you then move to another app source. It's always advisable for a Dom to lead the conversation, that's what she is looking for, she wants guidance, stimulation, to get her mind working and understanding how you operate and come across. I've been very lucky in that I can talk and converse about any subject either online, or in reality due to my background of meeting all members of society. Subs need interaction, they are looking for you to establish the dynamic and control it. Using brash insulting, abusive wording to show your Alpha Dominance doesn't always work, so ask before doing so, anyone can downgrade someone by words, but can you carry it out at the other end? Communication skills, conversation skills, confidence turns a Sub on if you know and can get into her mind, whilst showing that you know what you're talking about whilst backing it up. Even as a Dom after many, many years of experience, even I'm still learning, as I'm sure the Sub you're guiding, helping, getting to know is too.

Ask open questions, not closed ones, if you don't know what that means, look it up, closed is Yes or No to a question that's being asked. Women are just into lifestyles and learning about you, so put a question to her, if I did this, how would you respond to this situation? If, what, how, why, when, it then gives you the opportunity to lead and come back with an already established leading answer. Because as a Dom you would have already planned this out in your head, because I guarantee the Sub is now thinking of all the scenarios and imaging how you would control it! Everyone's lifestyle is different, discuss it, you'll find and learn a lot more about each other and how you can incorporate into leading her. Just my opinion.

With Switches well again it's all about balance and understanding what they want, digging deeper, leading again the conversation. Let's be honest any Subs here back me up, would you rather speak to a guy/female whom is interested in you, keeping the conversation flowing, getting your mind working, establishing a connection, building trust and anticipation?

[Lord***eren]

Each dominant has their own way of doing things. We each start to vet the moment when a conversation starts. We test on what we think is important to us and for the sub.
General questions, asking what you've done what you like to try. What you do in your free time etc.

A real conversation happens when there is enough information to have one. Thinking we should take control right away isn't a good idea. I follow the month rule. If we can talk for 1 month then I want to see you.

But before that, I will not see you in person. I want you to show me who you are and 1 month of texting does that. You can hide who you are for that long without dropping something that proves other wise.

Make sure you start to vet them as well. Ask them many questions make sure they are the dom you want, also make sure they are not fake.

[Deleted Member]

Yep I find this too

[Ju****]

Wasn't quite sure what aspect you were meaning, with carrying on a conversation?! Like, in general, just innocent conversing and getting to know one another? Or do you mean instigating some kind of D/s scene in dms? 

Or just some other way?

 

For me, if I dm someone, or reply to someone, it's because I have a genuine interest in them based off profile descriptions, bios and photos etc. Or similar kinks and things listed. 

I don't really converse with people where this isn't an attraction, unless it is with someone I have befriended in chat or something. 

 

With both interest and friendship in mind, if someone is struggling to converse with you, or seems half arsed, one word replies or distant so to speak, then I personally take that as a not interested. Especially if I am making a lot of effort in questions and topics etc, and they simply aren't. 

If someone doesn't have a compatibility in any way, it will naturally fizzle out. No matter what the agenda is. 

However, I will say this, it takes two people with just as much interest or effort as the other to converse and make it flow and work. If one is pushing harder than the other, or forcing it, it's probably not right to be honest. You cannot wait for someone to make first moves, express interest or trigger conversations of a D/s nature. 

But for me, whether I am interested in a submissive or dominant, I am solely turned right off if they try to instigate any element of this in a DM, before even meeting in person. Perhaps this is maybe a respectful and kind thing from any dominant you're interested in, not wanting to rush into the play scenes? 

For me anyway, I simply cannot have any form of relationship or dynamic with anyone, in which I would deem it "real" if I haven't met them in person. For me, I kind of treat people online as though they aren't "real" until I have met in person, and any kind of play for me which would be triggered online, I just see as sleazy and impersonal. (This is just me, I am very particular). However if I have met someone in RL, and convo starts up again online, sure, maybe then I'll be more into it. 

 

Not sure if anything I said makes sense or is relevant but this is just me thinking, they're either not fully interested, are talking to multiple people and possibly seeing what comes out of what faster, or are very respectful and not pushing something. Shyness maybe can come into it. For me if someone comes off confident in DMs and assertive, again, my flags go off and I retreat. 

[An****]

21 minutes ago, Lord***eren said:

Each dominant has their own way of doing things. We each start to vet the moment when a conversation starts. We test on what we think is important to us and for the sub.
General questions, asking what you've done what you like to try. What you do in your free time etc.

A real conversation happens when there is enough information to have one. Thinking we should take control right away isn't a good idea. I follow the month rule. If we can talk for 1 month then I want to see you.

But before that, I will not see you in person. I want you to show me who you are and 1 month of texting does that. You can hide who you are for that long without dropping something that proves other wise.

Make sure you start to vet them as well. Ask them many questions make sure they are the dom you want, also make sure they are not fake.

Totally agree with this too!

[Sh****]

Usually the case is we’re vetting, and feeling a sub out, and we don’t want to press too hard, or too far. For the most part on sites like this we don’t want to be too forward because we don’t wanna turn a sub off, or if we engage according to their profile it seems like we’re being too aggressive so it a lose-lose situation more often then not.

The best of us actually can hold a conversation, but in the case that your talking about especially on here it usually is a case of mindfulness, and considering what things can be perceived as on the other end of the conversation, with that being said please don’t be over critical of the direction your conversation is going, they’re just trying to pace things appropriately is all.

[ge****]

38 minutes ago, Analmaster69 said:

It's a difficult one to answer, as I would say 50/50 complete their profile fully, i.e. in what they are seeking, are they Switch or Sub. I always read the profile, then send a message based on what they stated. If they reply I lead off with finding out specifically what they are really wanting, the vetting process, so yes I am leading. I don't go in the hard Dominant way, you will either a ***ve the Sub off, you don't even know them yet, if you've engaged and that's what she is into and wants yes by all means, you're building a connection to begin with, if you can't hold a conversation normally and lead naturally you're going to find it very hard to keep a conversation going.

Unfortunately FET chat system isn't the best it's very clunky at best. So once you've established communication and the Sub trusts you then move to another app source. It's always advisable for a Dom to lead the conversation, that's what she is looking for, she wants guidance, stimulation, to get her mind working and understanding how you operate and come across. I've been very lucky in that I can talk and converse about any subject either online, or in reality due to my background of meeting all members of society. Subs need interaction, they are looking for you to establish the dynamic and control it. Using brash insulting, abusive wording to show your Alpha Dominance doesn't always work, so ask before doing so, anyone can downgrade someone by words, but can you carry it out at the other end? Communication skills, conversation skills, confidence turns a Sub on if you know and can get into her mind, whilst showing that you know what you're talking about whilst backing it up. Even as a Dom after many, many years of experience, even I'm still learning, as I'm sure the Sub you're guiding, helping, getting to know is too.

Ask open questions, not closed ones, if you don't know what that means, look it up, closed is Yes or No to a question that's being asked. Women are just into lifestyles and learning about you, so put a question to her, if I did this, how would you respond to this situation? If, what, how, why, when, it then gives you the opportunity to lead and come back with an already established leading answer. Because as a Dom you would have already planned this out in your head, because I guarantee the Sub is now thinking of all the scenarios and imaging how you would control it! Everyone's lifestyle is different, discuss it, you'll find and learn a lot more about each other and how you can incorporate into leading her. Just my opinion.

With Switches well again it's all about balance and understanding what they want, digging deeper, leading again the conversation. Let's be honest any Subs here back me up, would you rather speak to a guy/female whom is interested in you, keeping the conversation flowing, getting your mind working, establishing a connection, building trust and anticipation?

Whilst I agree with what a lot of what you are saying, and appreciate the time you've taken to write that, there's a lot of generalisation and assumption in there - submissives aren't a one size fits all thing, so assuming our needs and wants as a generalised thing is not quite right.
.
I don't "need" or want a dominant to lead a conversation whether that be, at initial contact or when a dynamic is agreed - unless of course that agreement has decreed such.
.
I'm capable of leading a conversation just as well as any dominant - and for me, as I said further up, the conversation flowing evenly and naturally with a potential partner or even an established one, is the biggest indicator to me of compatibility.

[hi****]

8 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

Wasn't quite sure what aspect you were meaning, with carrying on a conversation?! Like, in general, just innocent conversing and getting to know one another? Or do you mean instigating some kind of D/s scene in dms? 

Or just some other way?

 

For me, if I dm someone, or reply to someone, it's because I have a genuine interest in them based off profile descriptions, bios and photos etc. Or similar kinks and things listed. 

I don't really converse with people where this isn't an attraction, unless it is with someone I have befriended in chat or something. 

 

With both interest and friendship in mind, if someone is struggling to converse with you, or seems half arsed, one word replies or distant so to speak, then I personally take that as a not interested. Especially if I am making a lot of effort in questions and topics etc, and they simply aren't. 

If someone doesn't have a compatibility in any way, it will naturally fizzle out. No matter what the agenda is. 

However, I will say this, it takes two people with just as much interest or effort as the other to converse and make it flow and work. If one is pushing harder than the other, or forcing it, it's probably not right to be honest. You cannot wait for someone to make first moves, express interest or trigger conversations of a D/s nature. 

But for me, whether I am interested in a submissive or dominant, I am solely turned right off if they try to instigate any element of this in a DM, before even meeting in person. Perhaps this is maybe a respectful and kind thing from any dominant you're interested in, not wanting to rush into the play scenes? 

For me anyway, I simply cannot have any form of relationship or dynamic with anyone, in which I would deem it "real" if I haven't met them in person. For me, I kind of treat people online as though they aren't "real" until I have met in person, and any kind of play for me which would be triggered online, I just see as sleazy and impersonal. (This is just me, I am very particular). However if I have met someone in RL, and convo starts up again online, sure, maybe then I'll be more into it. 

 

Not sure if anything I said makes sense or is relevant but this is just me thinking, they're either not fully interested, are talking to multiple people and possibly seeing what comes out of what faster, or are very respectful and not pushing something. Shyness maybe can come into it. For me if someone comes off confident in DMs and assertive, again, my flags go off and I retreat. 

Absolutely hitting the nail on the head there. Ultimately to be a good pairing you need to have that initial sparks and chemistry to build on. By knowing someone in an innocent setting you have a good base to build on.

[To****]

This is interesting. Dom and sub relationships vary so much. So many subs are very dominant in their day to day lives, and are happy to lead conversations etc. I guess the same is for some Doms. For me, personally, I'm quite dominant in all aspects of my life, but that is not everyone. There is also a big difference between dominance and gregariousness. I think demanding someone talk to you is not being dominant, it's just being rude. Some people like that, many don't. I would personally like to get to know the real person first, then explore the relationship dynamic.

[x-****]

I believe conversations should be organic, and flow effortlessly. Of course, the Dom leading, as if it were a dance, is lovely. If this isn’t the case, perhaps it is not a good match. Being honest and communicating is key.
💙💎

[Deleted Member]

I don’t think there are many true doms here. A dom leaning switch is not a Dom.

[Ju****]

3 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Whilst I agree with what a lot of what you are saying, and appreciate the time you've taken to write that, there's a lot of generalisation and assumption in there - submissives aren't a one size fits all thing, so assuming our needs and wants as a generalised thing is not quite right.
.
I don't "need" or want a dominant to lead a conversation whether that be, at initial contact or when a dynamic is agreed - unless of course that agreement has decreed such.
.
I'm capable of leading a conversation just as well as any dominant - and for me, as I said further up, the conversation flowing evenly and naturally with a potential partner or even an established one, is the biggest indicator to me of compatibility.

This just reminded me to mention....

 

No matter someone's role on here, dominant, submissive, switchy, it is NOT their job simply for their role to trigger, initiate or push a conversation because they are a certain role. 

Especially from the outset. From first interactions, until in an agreed dynamic, you are just regular people, who should have equal effort and respect for one another. It is no ones responsibility to take any lead with someone until or unless in a dynamic. Expecting someone with a dominant label to take the lead on first chatter, is kinda rude in my eyes. 

People first, kink second.