Doms not leading conversations....

[lo****]

You would hope so. The contents of my, and quite a few others sadly beg to differ.

[ja****]

If he can’t lead the conversation, don’t waste your time.

[Deleted Member]

A conversation shouldn't be defined on what your roles are. You shouldn't just expect a Dom to lead a conversation 24/7. It should flow & you can hold your part by interacting with them . A sub can initiate a conversation & topics with a Dom. In fact it's healthy to have a sub engage in 2 way conversation.

[Je****]

37 minutes ago, CuffCuff69 said:

A conversation shouldn't be defined on what your roles are. You shouldn't just expect a Dom to lead a conversation 24/7. It should flow & you can hold your part by interacting with them . A sub can initiate a conversation & topics with a Dom. In fact it's healthy to have a sub engage in 2 way conversation.

100% 

[An****]

3 hours ago, CuffCuff69 said:

A conversation shouldn't be defined on what your roles are. You shouldn't just expect a Dom to lead a conversation 24/7. It should flow & you can hold your part by interacting with them . A sub can initiate a conversation & topics with a Dom. In fact it's healthy to have a sub engage in 2 way conversation.

Agreed its no different to having a normal conversation with someone, thats just the reality if it. Yes its slightly different in that its not regulated like with a vanilla, they have other interests too, likes, desires, a life to be getting on with. You just need to keep the chat open and honest, be understanding to their needs and visa versa. Grounds are normally set and you both have an understanding, otherwise tou wouldnt have chosen each other. Something picquets your interest even general chit chat can be a turn in for some, that can be turned into a scenario!!

[Je****]

13 minutes ago, Analmaster69 said:

Agreed its no different to having a normal conversation with someone, thats just the reality if it. Yes its slightly different in that its not regulated like with a vanilla, they have other interests too, likes, desires, a life to be getting on with. You just need to keep the chat open and honest, be understanding to their needs and visa versa. Grounds are normally set and you both have an understanding, otherwise tou wouldnt have chosen each other. Something picquets your interest even general chit chat can be a turn in for some, that can be turned into a scenario!!

100% it should never be one sided. Equal effort makes things progress so much better <3

[Deleted Member]

Bah, a Dom should lead the conversation. Especially at the outset. I tend to have the sub initiate a contact with interest, like a spank here. Once interest is established I tend to take over. I like to balance it, because I am generally sapiosexual, but I have no problem taking the lead.

[Au****]

42 minutes ago, MasterLot said:

Bah, a Dom should lead the conversation. Especially at the outset. I tend to have the sub initiate a contact with interest, like a spank here. Once interest is established I tend to take over. I like to balance it, because I am generally sapiosexual, but I have no problem taking the lead.

So true

[Deleted Member]

As switch leaning Domme, I do not feel obligated to lead any conversation. I am a person first and think any kink roles prior to vetting and negotiations is a bit sketch. Since we all kink differently, I think it would be great to put these cues in your bio, to help set expectations.

[me****]

ask for what you want. "Hey, I really appreciate it when the Dom leads the conversation." Otherwise I think it's a little bit too much pressure to expect people that you're only just starting to have a conversation with to jump into this role with you.
Nor is it necessarily advisable. Im sure Doms have experienced negative reaction. I feel like until he's MY Dom, he's just another guy. Treat it like any other convo.

[ge****]

5 hours ago, MasterLot said:

Bah, a Dom should lead the conversation. Especially at the outset. I tend to have the sub initiate a contact with interest, like a spank here. Once interest is established I tend to take over. I like to balance it, because I am generally sapiosexual, but I have no problem taking the lead.

Sorry but disagree that anyone *should* take the lead based on their role - not as a general rule defined by that role anyway - each dynamic and interaction is different.
.
If it works out that way based on that individual interaction and all are happy with it then fine, but to make a generalisation that anyone *should* do something based on their role is not right either.

[Nikki_Hexy]

It takes two people to hold a conversation, admittedly I am terrible with holding a conversation myself. Usually get stuck for words when put on the spot

[Ae****]

There are traits linked with being a dom. These are the even part of the expectations set up by the bdsm community.
It's fine for doms to be shy, and for girls to ask men out, but yeah, there's a norm that's established and that people actually really love. Girls generally love being chased, chatted up, and respect a guy with confidence who initiates. It's sexy to them. Trying to pretend otherwise just comes from a place of insecurity.

If you think it's outdated or weird or a horrible expectation... that's really just you fighting with reality, in a bizarre war that only exists in your head, and likely your echo chamber too.

Other people are out there, enjoying the dynamic that exists between men and women, doms and subs. You don't have to be perfect in your roles, but yeah, the vast majority are generally aiming for those ideals and that's totally ok and doesn't need to be a threat to you or your identity. The closer you get to the ideals, the more attractive you are to people, that's part of life.

A girl who likes a dominant guy will really be hoping he does lead conversations. Yes. Really. I'm so sorry to break it to you but yeah. That's real. And the most attractive, most femenine, most submissive girls? The ideal of that kinda person? They will be getting the ideal of their match - the most attractive, masculine, dominant guys, or doms - that will be leading convos, the relationship, the bedroom, everything. They will love all of that.

Cuz that girl, or that sub, she has options. She doesn't need to settle for a shy dom.

Are doms all perfect? No. Duh. But those doms can and will match up with subs who aren't perfect. If you're triggered by the word perfect, I dunno what to tell you. Please get the point.

Look at your partners. Look at how close they are to an ideal, whether as a dom or a sub, man or woman. They are a reflection of how close YOU are. So if they're not perfect, that ok, cuz neither are you.

But don't kid yourself - there are people who really are very close to perfect. If you don't know them, or they don't date you, don't worry about it- but yes, they do exist. And it's ok to aim for that. And to desire that.

[Je****]

5 hours ago, metairie959 said:

ask for what you want. "Hey, I really appreciate it when the Dom leads the conversation." Otherwise I think it's a little bit too much pressure to expect people that you're only just starting to have a conversation with to jump into this role with you.
Nor is it necessarily advisable. Im sure Doms have experienced negative reaction. I feel like until he's MY Dom, he's just another guy. Treat it like any other convo.

Agreed xx

[Je****]

4 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Sorry but disagree that anyone *should* take the lead based on their role - not as a general rule defined by that role anyway - each dynamic and interaction is different.
.
If it works out that way based on that individual interaction and all are happy with it then fine, but to make a generalisation that anyone *should* do something based on their role is not right either.

Agreed. 

I think majority of this whole thread agrees to be honest.  

No one "should" based on their role. I said it multiple times on here and the rule defining is probably a very good part to add. Very true. 

 

[Je****]

3 hours ago, Hexy said:

It takes two people to hold a conversation, admittedly I am terrible with holding a conversation myself. Usually get stuck for words when put on the spot

You do better than you think lovely. 

It definitely does take 2 (or more) for the conversation, but I get what you mean,  perhaps not the right time for them to ask such questions? 

Either way, I've a lot of love for you xxx

[32****]

Subs follow Dom's lead

[Je****]

27 minutes ago, 3264whitingstpoint said:

Subs follow Dom's lead

When in a dynamic yes.... Before anything is established?!... Then they are just normal people on the internet, and equals.

[Th****]

Many conflate being a Top with being a Dom. A Top is Not a Dom, At All, Not even close.
If somone doesn't have their profile filled out, writtings, posts, photos, their probably Not a Dom and cannot hold a conversation.
A Dom is Educated. A Dom is Psychological first, and physical second.

[Nylon-Nellie]

@3264whitingstpointWhen I have talked to D/types in the past, we are equals, on the same footing and no expectations from either of us. For a sub to follow a D/type lead from the very first message, is an instant red flag for me.

Edited June 28, 2023 by Nylon-Nellie
Typo.

[Ro****]

Idk if it's shyness, but if these people are Doms, they are not your Dom, nor you are their sub, so I'd say expect everything to be equal until you enter into a dynamic with someone and then you both negotiate on what you expect out of the dynamic. I wouldn't Dom someone that idk at all, and if someone does right off the rip, then I'd start to concern if they are really a true Dom. I'd say approach everything as normal friendship until something more happens from that. As a Dom should I expect that every sub submit to me? Now some people may just have that instant connection, but most probably won't. Doms and subs both use alot of energy in their dynamic, so I'd say no dynamic then no expectations. Good luck. Communication and consent are sexy

[on****]

I think the clue to your answer lies in the first sentence of your question: “identifying as”…

At the expense of over-simplification and stereotyping from a small sample size, all the Doms I know are highly intelligent, have a range of interests, and vivid, creative imaginations. They certainly never lack for conversation or opinions. I would be highly suspicious of anyone online claiming to be dominant who has nothing interesting to say, and here’s why:

Domination is primarily psychological: an exercise in which the physical is merely the vector thru which the physiological is realized, like some kind of kinky CBT therapy.

So here’s the thing: lots of not very bright guys treat kink communities as hookup sites where they’re going to find easy women they can f**k and slap around after sending 2 messages. Perhaps some can’t/won’t converse in depth or at length because they don’t understand that kink is a 2 way street, a relationship that needs to be fostered and developed. You don’t put a Dom and a sub in a room together and have a dynamic. Dom and sub are at there core feelings, not identifiers. Every D/s relationship I’ve had didn’t start when I IDENTIFIED as dominant over her, the dynamic really began when SHE FELT submissive to me. But I digress…

Now: a more innocent explanation for the behaviour you’ve observed is that they are kink-curious are have identified as Doms simply by appealing to traditional gender roles and norms: “I’m a man so OF COURSE I’m a Dom”).

The more cynical and not-so-innocent explanation is that internet predators see kink communities as places to mask, hide, rationalize/legitimize their abusive tendencies. Misogynists in Dominant clothing, if you will… The literal manifestation of “Wham bam; thank ya ma’am” who wouldn’t know what aftercare was even if you put the lotion in the basket for them.

Whatever the explanation, point is anyone on the internet can identify as anything. Women have much better evolved social intuition and higher and more developed social intelligence than men. Use your instincts. If it doesn’t pass the smell test, look elsewhere. If you don’t feel it, it’s not there.

That’s some brainstorming off the top of my head and obviously just my opinion. Best of luck and kink on!

[Me****]

People suck at communicating in general online. Doesn’t matter if sub/dom or whoever, if you respond with one word answers 3 times in a row I’m moving on.

[Deleted Member]

Depends on how early into the conversation you are and if you've given the dom anything to work with. If it's early, there's not anything obvious to move the conversation towards, or if they've messaged and you're just going quiet, that's going to be taken as a sign that you have no interest.

Personally I just run on the assumption that they're actually just shy and keep talking anyway, but it really is f**king irritating sometimes, nobody has a "carrying the conversation" kink.

[To****]

From a psychology perspective, being sub or dom is just one aspect of your personality.  There are 16 distinct personality types identified by Myers-Briggs, so each one of those will interact differently.  The sub/Dom element of each personality is just another part of the make up.  You cna't say someone isn/t a Dom or a sub because they don't do A or B. 

We are talking about leading a conversation here.  All meaningful conversation is a 2 way dialogue, where you learn about each other.

IYou can't *** someone to speak to you, and you can't really carry a conversation when all you get back is one word answers.

If you do not project yourself as a good communicator it has nothing to do with whether you are a dom or a sub, just a bda communicator, which will be assumed as 'not interested'.