Ju**** Posted August 5, 2023 Posted August 5, 2023 Just because something is arousing or tempting doesn't mean you have to act upon it and quite frankly it's probably best that we hold back at least something once in awhile just for the love of God or who knows what kind of mess we find ourselves and then plus it's that which is pretty much the difference between fantasy and reality because one could always fantasize about things that are far out of the social Norm or even legal at times but that's where they belong it's just a fantasy and they do not need to be active on it's called self control
Deleted Member Posted August 6, 2023 Posted August 6, 2023 7 hours ago, JulianDTF said: Just because something is arousing or tempting doesn't mean you have to act upon it and quite frankly it's probably best that we hold back at least something once in awhile just for the love of God or who knows what kind of mess we find ourselves and then plus it's that which is pretty much the difference between fantasy and reality because one could always fantasize about things that are far out of the social Norm or even legal at times but that's where they belong it's just a fantasy and they do not need to be active on it's called self control Hi Julian, I disagree with this for several reasons. In a sense I do agree with you if the motive is purely sex/kink based. However not all poly relationships revolve around sex. My must successful poly relationship involved no more sex than a typical married couple, and certainly did not involve orgies amongst a group of people. Despite being 5 guys and 1 girl, I could count on one hand the number of times sex happened as part of a group. Fundamentally we were all good friends and we all loved the same girl. Western current thinking has us believe we can only love 'sequentially', eg you must fall out of love with one person before falling in love with another. This of course is nonsense. I still love my exes even though relationships failed for other reasons. In my poly relationship we simply had a girl that loved 5 men concurrently and we all loved her. Sex was a very minor part of the relationship. The fact that all of us still get on very well 30 yrs later is surely a testament to the fact it can work? and 4 are still with her! Western views, and they themselves are only recent history, place importance on monogamy. But even today monogamy is not adhered to in many countries and historically, over our 20k year human history it has been rare. Even in nature it is rare? penguins maybe? but females taking multiple partners has been as common if not more in past than monogamy. Sure, mainly for survival reasons and getting the best chance of your offspring surviving but I think my point stands, it is not abnormal? Lisa, the girl in that poly relationship, chose her male partners carefully to give her a blend of talents to help her succeed in life. You could say she used us if anything. She went from having nothing to running a successful business and being a millionaire, so I can assure you she has no complaints and neither do any of the guys. Agreed, probably a rare edge case but I just object to the suggestion it was all perverse/wrong or immoral. Why is it wrong for love to be shared across more than one partner?
Deleted Member Posted August 6, 2023 Posted August 6, 2023 (edited) and to be honest, even in my current arragement with a married couple, while it may be sex based to an extent, we have been friends for years, know each other well and get along great at day to day stuff. They had marriage issues cos he had underlying repressed desires that had built up over years and was causing them issues, frustrations and arguments. (not helped by her being happy with once a week, in bed, late at night once kids asleep, with lights turned out in missionary....) They love each other and she didnt want him going off with a stranger to satisfy his needs and risk destrying the marriage, especially as kids involved. She would rather him satisfy them with me, somebody she knows and trusts. Sure you could say he shouldnt have got frustrated at wanting oral sex or anal or pee play or whatever (which she didnt want to do) cos they are his fantasies, but lets be realstic, it leads to frustration and ultimately to affairs, splits, divorce and hell. Is it therefore that bad that she turns to me and is happy for me to be there to satisfy her husbands needs? she seems quite happy with it? indeed, very happy with it, as does he. We are are fundamentally three good friends that share intimacy. Edited August 6, 2023 by Deleted Member
Deleted Member Posted August 6, 2023 Posted August 6, 2023 sorry, need to add something else, I can assure you that in decades of poly relationships we spent 99.999% of time talking about kids holidays, best places to get full english breakfasts, rugby six nations and who was doing the shopping..... sex/kink barely came into it!
Vaiden10 Posted August 7, 2023 Posted August 7, 2023 I get this same exact impression. I am a polyamorous male and some randoms have insulted me saying you can't be poly and single. Like wtf? My preference to have many fulfilling relationships doesn't dictate my physical relationship status like what??? It's so irritating hearing this kind of dumb shit. Like I am a harem man leave me be or join me lol.
Ki**** Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 Poly MARRIED here. I am often accused of being a cheater and unfaithfull even though my wife knows, approves and has her own boyfriend.
Da**** Posted November 10, 2023 Posted November 10, 2023 Damn near impossible! Dating for men now a days is damn near impossible unless you are the top 1% of men. After my ex left, I didnt date for a year and a half. The next two years, 23 planned dates. 5 actual 1st dates. 2 second dates. I am engaged to the last one now. Now we are in a ENM relationship. Little over 2 years of looking for a sub. I am lucky if I get past 3 exhanged messages. My profile is linked to her, so its not like I am hiding or lying. Poly or ENM relationships will favor the female of the relationship more then 75% of the time. Just how it is.
ey**** Posted November 10, 2023 Posted November 10, 2023 6 hours ago, Dade73 said: The next two years, 23 planned dates. 5 actual 1st dates. 2 second dates. that's actually fairly good going - practically one planned per month, even if it didn't happen - and one actual date every 3 months 6 hours ago, Dade73 said: Poly or ENM relationships will favor the female of the relationship more then 75% of the time. Just how it is. there's a simple reason I often refute things like this - that.... the women aren't taking on extra partners/lovers who are.... combined harvesters... they're taking on poly/ENM men. I guess an exception for advantage is if, say, you are straight and they are not - but otherwise it's a fairly even keel and there's challenges for everyone.
Ki**** Posted December 30, 2023 Posted December 30, 2023 Truth has been spoken by @eyemblacksheep. My wife gets 20-30 times the response rate that I get. The reason I have found is that women (in general but certainly not all) want to be the center of the man's attention and not want to share that spotlight. They feel that if a man has 2 women then he will not spend enough time on/with them. At least that is the reasoning I have been given.
Ze**** Posted February 4 Posted February 4 Both my wife and I are ENM. We're separated, but that is because of other issues not connected with our marriage. She does have a boyfriend and encourages me to find a partner. The one rule is that she gets to know about her.
Th**** Posted February 18 Posted February 18 I realize this is an older thread, and I'm obviously not a man, but recent experiences have shown me that it helps where and how you're going about things or where you're looking. Finding obviously poly friendly dating sites if that's the way you want to go, looking for local poly meet ups and groups seems like it would also help. I've also run into what seems like a decent chunk of people who say they're poly but it seems they're actually unicorn hunting and are only a "package deal". Not KT, but you gotta date them both together. So specifying that's *not* what you mean might help. 🤷🏻♀️
Ju**** Posted March 2 Posted March 2 A lot of it comes down to ignorance of what polyamory is. For poly women, the men think she must be easy. For poly men, it's he must be a cheater. People also don't understand the difference between open relationship and poly. Open is mostly just for sex whereas poly is about a relationship. Can also blame men out there claiming their wife or current partner knows they are on dating apps when they actually don't know. Those factors, I feel, have made it more challenging for true polyamorous men and women. Then there are the monogamous women that won't date a poly man because they think they have to become poly or still under the thought they are expected to either meet the poly man's partner(s) or be a unicorn. There's also the long time influence of society and religions that monogamy is the only true way for a relationship to be. Most of my rejections though are women that didn't even read the first parts of my profiles. All in all, it takes time and lots of communication.
Ju**** Posted March 2 Posted March 2 February 18, ThaliaV said: I realize this is an older thread, and I'm obviously not a man, but recent experiences have shown me that it helps where and how you're going about things or where you're looking. Finding obviously poly friendly dating sites if that's the way you want to go, looking for local poly meet ups and groups seems like it would also help. I've also run into what seems like a decent chunk of people who say they're poly but it seems they're actually unicorn hunting and are only a "package deal". Not KT, but you gotta date them both together. So specifying that's *not* what you mean might help. 🤷🏻♀️ Yeah but just like most dating apps, ones I've come across for enm/poly are either dead, filled with scammers/bots or just not that many available apps/sites.
Th**** Posted March 2 Posted March 2 4 hours ago, JulianCnm said: Yeah but just like most dating apps, ones I've come across for enm/poly are either dead, filled with scammers/bots or just not that many available apps/sites. Yeah.... soon after I made that comment I experienced a lot of this. The one app's "updates" have really thrown things and it kinda sucks now. And flooded with f**kbros similarly to how it's gotten here which makes finding genuine people difficult with all the sifting
ey**** Posted March 3 Posted March 3 it'd be good for dating sites to find a sweet spot - but that never seems to happen So, talking about this site specifically (simply cos I was here from the early days) in the early days the big complaint was that people were not finding any/many people near them or reasonable travel distance - this was especially a problem as the site branched into, or was found, in new markets Then as it got more popular, the inevitable was it attracted the "wrong type of people" - and I don't want to gatekeep as such - but I mean folk who wanted to promote or just wanted a quick f**k (under normal cases that of course I have no problem with people promoting content but, site rules and legality aside, don't feel it should be done on dating sites) It also over time affected 'the ratio' and I still know it's not the "1000 men to 1 woman" people claim - but certainly there was a point where it was around 2:1 - and it's now around 4 or 5 to 1 (based on what I can see and educated guesses) and all sites have the potential to fall into this and there's often not a lot they can do on the flip. we know pretty much all the folk who are regulars in chat or forums are "real"
wa**** Posted March 11 Posted March 11 Shoot. At this point I'm good with having a text.... Not sext... Friend. I've all but given up on there ever being another relationship. I've also reconciled with and accepted it.
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