To all doms

[ma****]

My sub is an introvert,sub,little,a brat all wrapped into one. Any suggestions on how I can approach certain conversations with her? So she doesn't misread what I am saying,or cry or blame herself

[Daddyinsv50]

No offense to you but if you don't know how to treat your sub and how to discipline yourself maybe you shouldn't be the domme

[Deleted Member]

Try dominating with a respectful approach. Being dominant does not mean being harsh.

[Deleted Member]

Just assertive

[Ow****]

‘certain conversations’?
I hope you’re not linking any of the traits you list with the propensity to be easily upset or self blame.
It’s more likely your sub has been conditioned, told it’s her fault. Maybe work toward instilling confidence, she can still be the things you list.
Do you want to be more specific about the ‘conversations’?

[Th****]

Work on and grow your personal communication skills.

Research "nonviolent communication" 

As @OwnerOfU mentioned, more context would help too. 

Other tips would be to have a journal or notebook that you can write to each other instead of having a face to face interaction. 

Edited August 24, 2023 by ThaliaVirago

[Da****]

I second the journal idea. It's an easy way to communicate.

[Deleted Member]

I'm a little as well and have had trauma in my past that makes me do the same as your little. My partner now texts me things as I sit next to him as I read it. That way I can read his face and ask questions

[Deleted Member]

I third the journal idea…I’m an introvert as well and my Dom and I text a lot especially thru the tough conversations where I don’t necessarily want to speak but I know I can’t keep anything from him…it definitely helps.

[Bl****]

I might also suggest a way to talk in person? Via phone or FaceTime if possible. Seeing body language and hearing tone of voice can be a huge game changer

[an****]

Body language is huge when talking to anyone. Text or phone calls will never tell you what an in person convo will

[Ow****]

I like @SympleSyrup’s suggestion. I find texting a poor way of conveying tone and easily misconstrued even with the addition of emoji’s. You’ll both have to be on your toes with you’re (sic) grammar.
And spelling. * your

[Th****]

Id say you’re behind the curve here, as you shoulda started everything by fostering an environment where what you say doesn’t leave room for an over thinker to overthink. That takes time, consistency, and honesty. Learn the***utic communication skills and teach her not only that it’s safe to echo back what she’s hearing, but that if there’s a miscommunication it’s not the end of the world, and you can clarify on the spot whatever the message is supposed to be. Moreover- Simply being direct, and honest with your sub constantly- often by itself fosters a trust that “what you say is what you mean”. It’ll likely also help if you approach it from a place of “this needs adjusted to make things work even better” vs “you’re doing things all wrong”. Good luck though. Communication can be tough, but taking classes and therapy can help.

[ea****]

It's ok if they cry. Brats do that introverts cry because they don't often vocalize their discomfort it's a way to release that emotion. Your sub needs to trust that the things you say aren't meant to hurt but meant to encourage growth because you want the best for them. Make sure they know that and balance building their confidence up

[Mi****]

Seems like I learn a lot just reading through the comments 😲

[ar****]

5 hours ago, trisharae13 said:

I'm a little as well and have had trauma in my past that makes me do the same as your little. My partner now texts me things as I sit next to him as I read it. That way I can read his face and ask questions

Could you elaborate on this? If it's about being able to read his intentions/body language/face, then doesn't texting (as opposed to talking) remove a lot of nuance as well already? Is it about having something "on the record", does texting allow for concise/better communication than speaking (blurting out words without thinking about them)?

[Shilo66]

First of all, kudos to you for asking for help. It may feel like you're the only one with this issue, but I guarantee you are not, and that others will also be learning from the answers given here.

You often find that when you have a sub who is introverted and in little space, it is often easier for them to communicate via text or journals first. Obviously face to face is best so as to be able to read body language, etc, but for some, this can be overwhelming and has the effect of making them feel like they've been put on the spot, and hence they then struggle to vocalise their wants, needs and desires. 

Occasionally, you'll find that you have to build up to face to face conversations (f2f) on difficult or sensitive subjects that must be broached, so use all the tools available at your disposal as have already been mentioned by myself and others, and don't forget the use of video / face time etc as alternatives to an actual f2f.

Let her know that you understand all the above and that you are trying your best to explore ways of better communicating with her, and that you'd appreciate her help in this endeavour. 

As a caveat, I'm obviously assuming that you're not trying to ask her about something ridiculous, and the subjects you're trying to approach are ones where she probably thinks she's not good enough or she's been told so in the past. Hence why her confidence is knocked when they're brought up.

Edited August 25, 2023 by Shilo66

[Co****]

Based on personal experience you should avoid certain conversation starters such as " we need to talk " or anything that may risk a trigger. Make sure the both of you are in a relaxed and safe Emotional state and then approach the conversation. Depending on the topic itself you may also need to reassure your sub

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, arnhem961 said:

Could you elaborate on this? If it's about being able to read his intentions/body language/face, then doesn't texting (as opposed to talking) remove a lot of nuance as well already? Is it about having something "on the record", does texting allow for concise/better communication than speaking (blurting out words without thinking about them)?

I do thé same thing for me it’s because of two big things, one I often get selective mutism if I start freaking out over anything so I can’t verbalize anyway or if I can it’s very broken and stuttered making communication a bitch. The other is I can take longer breaks to calm texting than talking allowing me to think about what I want to say and what they are actually trying to communicate to me rather than my knee jerk response to what was said.

[ar****]

2 hours ago, LunaDeamon said:

I do thé same thing for me it’s because of two big things, one I often get selective mutism if I start freaking out over anything so I can’t verbalize anyway or if I can it’s very broken and stuttered making communication a bitch. The other is I can take longer breaks to calm texting than talking allowing me to think about what I want to say and what they are actually trying to communicate to me rather than my knee jerk response to what was said.

Ah, so the ask questions you mentioned is through texts too. That makes sense.
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It's interesting to me that you can read his face, supposedly _while_ he's typing a text now. I can imagine that differs a bit, compared to reading someone while they're communicating verbally, in real time.

[ph****]

If she’s coming from a prior dynamic, there’s a good possibility that she’s “broken.” Patience, earn trust, rein*** your ability to listen.
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Be understanding and let her know that not only is it ok that she speaks up, but that it’s necessary for a healthy relationship.
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My sub was broken. My focus was in-breaking her. It took a while. It took me repeating that its her job to speak her mind and communicate what she’s thinking and feeling. It took a while, but she’s now a healthy woman with the ability to get playful with language when she knows she can get away with it.
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You’ll get there. Good luck. 👍

[Deleted Member]

On 8/25/2023 at 2:27 PM, LunaDeamon said:

I do thé same thing for me it’s because of two big things, one I often get selective mutism if I start freaking out over anything so I can’t verbalize anyway or if I can it’s very broken and stuttered making communication a bitch. The other is I can take longer breaks to calm texting than talking allowing me to think about what I want to say and what they are actually trying to communicate to me rather than my knee jerk response to what was said.

I agree with this, if i can't communicate something straight away, i need to take the time to go through my thought processes and calm myself, texts help me to not only read what I'm thinking but make sure that the message is what i want to convey and not babble.