So often I hear Doms say they want “total obedience”

[Bo****]

Here’s the paradox I’ve discovered: if a Dominant truly knows how to nourish their submissive — emotionally, sensually, energetically — then softness and surrender flow naturally. Obedience isn’t ***d; it’s offered.

The difference is subtle but massive:
• In the fantasy of obedience, the submissive complies because it’s expected.
• In the reality of surrender, the submissive melts because they feel cherished, safe, and full.

One feels like a transaction of power.
The other feels like intimacy and polarity.

The truth is, a Dominant could have everything they desire if they understood that it begins with meeting their submissive emotionally, not just sexually. The secret to “total obedience” isn’t domination — it’s devotion.

Devotion unlocks surrender.
Without it, submission is hollow.

What are your thoughts?

[ni****]

Yes!!

[Mo****]

Creating the trust- safety ? Transparency and dependency is very important to move from obeying -to surrendering! It's the dom person responsibility to build this connection and dynamic and understanding along the way if the sub willing and will reach the level of surrendering! This require time, patience. I used safe spaces! Where subs can share their .. everything in safe way ! Also, creating a connection ! Also- having a side activities will help- beside the exchange of power- it's good to have extant of thoughts and feelings sometimes ! Have a dom sub connection - it's about the sub first ! And sex last !

[th****]

Yes!! Creating that safety has proven to open many doors and comfort to let go and submit without hesitation.

[Deleted Member]

I so agree. I shudder when any Dom opens a conversation with wanting to "mold" or "train" someone to be their idealized version of a submissive, rather than meeting the submissive as the person they are and discovering the perfect submissive they already carry within, because it is true to who they are.
If the Dom doesn't start with giving - of themselves, of their time, of their care, of their devotion - then they cannot expect to receive anything in return.
 

[Bo****]

30 minutes ago, Motyaze said:

Creating the trust- safety ? Transparency and dependency is very important to move from obeying -to surrendering! It's the dom person responsibility to build this connection and dynamic and understanding along the way if the sub willing and will reach the level of surrendering! This require time, patience. I used safe spaces! Where subs can share their .. everything in safe way ! Also, creating a connection ! Also- having a side activities will help- beside the exchange of power- it's good to have extant of thoughts and feelings sometimes ! Have a dom sub connection - it's about the sub first ! And sex last !

I really resonate with this. For me, surrender only happens when I feel truly safe and cherished. Devotion, patience, and connection create the space where surrender flows naturally. Sex then becomes a beautiful extension of that connection, not the starting point.

[Bo****]

35 minutes ago, Motyaze said:

Creating the trust- safety ? Transparency and dependency is very important to move from obeying -to surrendering! It's the dom person responsibility to build this connection and dynamic and understanding along the way if the sub willing and will reach the level of surrendering! This require time, patience. I used safe spaces! Where subs can share their .. everything in safe way ! Also, creating a connection ! Also- having a side activities will help- beside the exchange of power- it's good to have extant of thoughts and feelings sometimes ! Have a dom sub connection - it's about the sub first ! And sex last !

I really resonate with this. For me, surrender only happens when I feel truly safe and cherished. Devotion, patience, and connection create the space where surrender flows naturally. Sex then becomes a beautiful extension of that connection, not the starting point.

[wo****]

I agree @Motyaze, it takes a mature man to understand and embody this. Understanding a woman’s primal needs and providing her with that, and taking pleasure in doing so is very satisfying with a woman you care for. Playing in a ONS is fun and exciting, but a relationship built as you describe is part of the substrate of being a “Master”.

It enhances devotion from a woman to is very rewarding.

[Bo****]

11 minutes ago, Princess_Consuela said:

I so agree. I shudder when any Dom opens a conversation with wanting to "mold" or "train" someone to be their idealized version of a submissive, rather than meeting the submissive as the person they are and discovering the perfect submissive they already carry within, because it is true to who they are.
If the Dom doesn't start with giving - of themselves, of their time, of their care, of their devotion - then they cannot expect to receive anything in return.
 

Yes, exactly this. I feel the same — it’s not about being molded into someone’s idea of a submissive, but about being seen and cherished as who we already are. Devotion, time, and care from a Dom is what allows surrender to flow naturally in return.

[Bo****]

3 minutes ago, woburn169344 said:

I agree @Motyaze, it takes a mature man to understand and embody this. Understanding a woman’s primal needs and providing her with that, and taking pleasure in doing so is very satisfying with a woman you care for. Playing in a ONS is fun and exciting, but a relationship built as you describe is part of the substrate of being a “Master”.

It enhances devotion from a woman to is very rewarding.

Beautifully put. I think that’s exactly it — when a Dom takes pleasure in cherishing a woman’s deepest needs, surrender becomes inevitable. It’s rewarding on both sides, because it’s not just play, it’s devotion and connection at the core.

[du****]

Agreed. Doms are so lost about what the role is.

[Deleted Member]

Sometimes it’s the power that fuels the Dominant. I’m not arguing your point by any means. Just offering that there another side to the dynamic. A primal urge to dominate.

[Bo****]

8 minutes ago, Axegrinder1979 said:

Sometimes it’s the power that fuels the Dominant. I’m not arguing your point by any means. Just offering that there another side to the dynamic. A primal urge to dominate.

I get what you mean about that primal urge — it’s definitely part of the dynamic. But for a lot of subs, if it isn’t balanced with care and devotion, it can feel like taking rather than true surrender. The primal side feels so much deeper when it grows out of trust and connection.

[si****]

Totally, and even more, when a Domme asks for total devotion and starts bossing around before even meeting in person, it makes me feel very weird in my stomach (not in a good way), where my automatic reaction is to immediately reject anything they say going forward

[Bo****]

11 minutes ago, sissyNoa said:

Totally, and even more, when a Domme asks for total devotion and starts bossing around before even meeting in person, it makes me feel very weird in my stomach (not in a good way), where my automatic reaction is to immediately reject anything they say going forward

Yes, I totally understand that too. When it comes across as taking or demanding without any real connection first, it just feels off. For me, devotion has to be earned through trust and care, otherwise it tips into something that doesn’t feel safe or genuine

[Re****]

You are absolutely right with this. My submissive has a very traumatic past and even though she expected the more ***d obedience we talked about it and have persued the more softer side. I don't *** it or try to take anything from her. I offer her safety and a place to feel wanted and a place she doesn't have to worry about ***. Even though she is a masochist which sometimes frustrates her that i don't act on that more her submission is absolutely total. I know with out any doubts i could ask for anything or even if you will, order anything and she would comply without question. Even if she was scared or nervous about what i asked for because she trusts me to take care of her and not just use her. Often times i end up saying no to her because she offers things i refuse to take control of. But the connection is many times deeper and stronger because it is not ***d. Primal play and urges are still perfectly on the table and able to be practiced because in the event that i do act more aggressive and "take" what i want from her she understands what i am looking for and is absolutely willing to participate and play along. Almost i would say more so then a primal only situation. She'll fight back almost harder because she knows that she can and i won't leave or that it won't break us. She knows when its over the soft care and attention will be back. So yes you are absolutely correct with what you said. Unfortunately this seems more and more lost in dynamics these days.

[my****]

I’ll just say total obedience is boring. If the girl is perfect, how do you punish her?

Yes, I prefer heavily weighted towards obedience. I am not a brat tamer but damn it all I like beating an a** with a belt. So a good solid relationship with rules and love but perfection is in the imperfections.

[Bo****]

35 minutes ago, Rebel25 said:

You are absolutely right with this. My submissive has a very traumatic past and even though she expected the more ***d obedience we talked about it and have persued the more softer side. I don't *** it or try to take anything from her. I offer her safety and a place to feel wanted and a place she doesn't have to worry about ***. Even though she is a masochist which sometimes frustrates her that i don't act on that more her submission is absolutely total. I know with out any doubts i could ask for anything or even if you will, order anything and she would comply without question. Even if she was scared or nervous about what i asked for because she trusts me to take care of her and not just use her. Often times i end up saying no to her because she offers things i refuse to take control of. But the connection is many times deeper and stronger because it is not ***d. Primal play and urges are still perfectly on the table and able to be practiced because in the event that i do act more aggressive and "take" what i want from her she understands what i am looking for and is absolutely willing to participate and play along. Almost i would say more so then a primal only situation. She'll fight back almost harder because she knows that she can and i won't leave or that it won't break us. She knows when its over the soft care and attention will be back. So yes you are absolutely correct with what you said. Unfortunately this seems more and more lost in dynamics these days.

Yes, exactly — that’s what I mean too. The depth comes from knowing the care and safety are there underneath. Then when the primal or more aggressive side comes out, it feels so much more powerful because it’s rooted in trust and devotion rather than just taking

[theSir_ObservingU]

You have to be emotionally intelligent to be able to hold space for a submissive emotionally. Lots of doms arent self aware enough to be more than just pleasure doms. Obedience takes holding. I want my subs to want to I we to need to. It have too.

[Re****]

45 minutes ago, BoundAndCrowned said:

Yes, exactly — that’s what I mean too. The depth comes from knowing the care and safety are there underneath. Then when the primal or more aggressive side comes out, it feels so much more powerful because it’s rooted in trust and devotion rather than just taking

And in turn my experience is that all involved receive more of what they are looking for sometimes even more then they have to give. If the relationship is healthy it is always worth investing in. Time energy all of it. My submissive has never once disappointed me even if she has said no to something or made mistakes. Mistakes mean she is trying. Yes sometimes it costs me time or maybe *** or whatever the case is. But truth be told i don't care because she felt it necessary to try just because she wanted to please me because that is what she wants to do. So i make sure she has the opportunity to explore anything she wants. In return it builds our relationship it builds her confidence. I get the submissive she gets someone who only wants to see her grow and succeed. Doms to often only take and don't give. Discipline is fine. Sometimes necessary but can be done in a way to encourage growth. Bratting is not ment to be disciplined into nothing. It's an opportunity to build the relationship. Find out why or what the cause is. And in some cases yes she wants a spanking or something more. In others its because she doesn't understand something or is frustrated with something and that is the opportunity to build trust and understanding. So even in a total submissive that is still there and very appropriate

[Ro****]

Everytime someone opens a chat and talks to me asking for obedience like if we knew each other for so long I don't even bother to reply. It's such a red flag.
Being submissive does not mean you are easy. Communication and trust is a must. I can't understand who can open and turn this *** to someone that has just met.

[Th****]

This could not be more accurate or true. I wish more Dominants recognized and implemented this. It's a shame they don't care enough to.

[Bo****]

1 hour ago, theSir_ObservingU said:

You have to be emotionally intelligent to be able to hold space for a submissive emotionally. Lots of doms arent self aware enough to be more than just pleasure doms. Obedience takes holding. I want my subs to want to I we to need to. It have too.

Yes, that’s it. Too many doms mistake control for dominance, without realising obedience only holds weight if there’s emotional safety behind it. Without that holding, it’s not surrender — it’s compliance, and there’s a world of difference

[Bo****]

49 minutes ago, Rebel25 said:

And in turn my experience is that all involved receive more of what they are looking for sometimes even more then they have to give. If the relationship is healthy it is always worth investing in. Time energy all of it. My submissive has never once disappointed me even if she has said no to something or made mistakes. Mistakes mean she is trying. Yes sometimes it costs me time or maybe *** or whatever the case is. But truth be told i don't care because she felt it necessary to try just because she wanted to please me because that is what she wants to do. So i make sure she has the opportunity to explore anything she wants. In return it builds our relationship it builds her confidence. I get the submissive she gets someone who only wants to see her grow and succeed. Doms to often only take and don't give. Discipline is fine. Sometimes necessary but can be done in a way to encourage growth. Bratting is not ment to be disciplined into nothing. It's an opportunity to build the relationship. Find out why or what the cause is. And in some cases yes she wants a spanking or something more. In others its because she doesn't understand something or is frustrated with something and that is the opportunity to build trust and understanding. So even in a total submissive that is still there and very appropriate

I really appreciate the way you’ve put this. It shows how much more there is to dominance than just ‘getting what you want.’

When a Dom invests the time and energy to understand mistakes or bratting as opportunities for growth, it shifts the whole dynamic.

That kind of care builds not just obedience, but devotion — and that’s a completely different level of connection.

[Bo****]

36 minutes ago, Rockstone83 said:

Everytime someone opens a chat and talks to me asking for obedience like if we knew each other for so long I don't even bother to reply. It's such a red flag.
Being submissive does not mean you are easy. Communication and trust is a must. I can't understand who can open and turn this *** to someone that has just met.

Yes, that’s such a red flag. Submission has to be earned — it’s not something you can just demand from a stranger. Without trust and communication first, obedience is meaningless. I don’t understand how some still think they can bypass that.